What a relief, we're normal then

Pleased yours was good. We had some very good bits but also some terribly bad bits. Me and J only fell out once and did patch it up properly within the hour, but we di have a huge row with m-i-l eek.


I do try to read as much as I can, but then sometimes with everything else that I'm trying to do I end up neglecting something else. I need to be more disciplined about when iread on here.


I'm not sure how to show unconditional remorse and sadly and maybe just for today I'm not sure I feel it. I do try to "get it" from other BSs on here because really apart from dealing with myself this is the only place I'm going to get it. As I've said before J is so much less angry than he was before and during the A. Maybe he hasn't dealt with it himself and that is why he isn't upset by it. I'd feel more loved he was angry upset about it, sorry, I know that sounds awful. Maybe it's PMS talking tonight.



I didn't consider the marriage, i had very effectively compartmentalised. I didn't react to anything it just happened. I don't think my H worked to protect our M. How awful, I do sound like a very selfish WW tonight. Sorry.


Thing is sugarcane I feel like this, if i'm not good enough, if I don't get it right enough...


And resentment comes form entitlement.

I'm not sure what I need tonight - I could probably do with a good :twobyfour:

The books are ordered - his appt is Monday.

Crappy crappy crap.
Can either of us truly be bothered?

Let's hope tomorrow wakes more cheerfully. I need some early nights.

OM attempted contact - sent some music to me.

I've suggested moving away - much as i don't want to. But it is so much more a definite NO for J

Is there a way you can block OM?

He gave the music (written) to a very very good friend of his wifes
to give to me in person - not my music, music belonging to the band I used to play in ( which he still does). An invitation to go back and play? or him saying I'm not going anymore, you go?

Not my concern.

I returned it to her and said " I am not going to band again". J said I should have told her exactly why and that please could she not pass anything else on or mention him. I should have done, but I was taken by surprise.

I need to get out of this hole of self pity and wallowing and recognise what a good bloke J is. We need to stop keep telling each other we're not sure if we can do this and get on and bloody well do it.

We need more hours in the day and less people to deal with. How can I turn my back on my family if they need me?

change priorities again. We need more time together. Why can't I fully commit?

Thats ok, it happens, at least you have a plan should the situation occur again

I will wake up a nice person and a good wife and mother

"I returned it to her and said " I am not going to band again". J said I should have told her exactly why and that please could she not pass anything else on or mention him. I should have done, but I was taken by surprise.

This can be solved with a phone call to her now. Tell her what you should have told her.

Was the band exposed?

If not they should and need to be exposed. This has nothing to do with you not going back to the band.

I'll find her number. Several members of the band have been told, including the musical director. If any one asks I tell. I told the MD I was happy for him to tell the band why I wasn't returning and everyone that knows, knows that it isn't a secret. I'm not sure that the friend of OMW knows.

OK, the real ST is back. I must check through this thread and see if me being crap is PMS related.

This has been a long week. We haven't had an evening alone together since the day I caused a water shortage and added cconsiderably to global warming - I think that is 2 weeks tomorrow. We have managed a few hours at other times. This UA is a nightmare to fit in.

Well, we have a day out planned on Wed, we were going to take DS but sis has jumped in to have him. We'll have tomorrow evening - hopefully he can do his LBq and then we can go through both of them again. As he'll only have had half a days sleep, we'll leave the ENq til Wed night - maybe we should try and do it before We go out wed so that it's fresh in our minds for our day together.

J has been very very sweet. The last 2 mornings he has come home form work and done kids brekkies, getting dressed and dishwasher and left me in bed - he has then had is shower and come and snuggled with me for a few mins, before i got up to leave him to sleep.

I am lucky (((J)))

Aww thats so sweet
I love seeing married couples being cute



Its ok, we have 4, yes 4, cars, a boat, 2 motorbikes and an ATV. We are responsible for the global fuel crisis.

:MrEEk:

Well, goodness me. I haven't yet been posting on recovery for 2 months yet- I do think though that the 2x I have found OM hard to get rid of in my head it has been at that time. I'll go get some vit B and starflower oil.

That's the first time I've read back over the whole thread - maybe quite a good time to do it - 3months today since registration date.

My, my, it hasn't really been very long has it? IT feels like forever.

Ok then, this was taken from a post by sdcwman on Black_Ravens forgiveness thread.



There are 4 "levels" of forgiveness...
1) No forgiveness: refusal
2) "False Forgiveness": forgiving someone too easily without the required elements of true forgiveness (#4) being present. You do this when you are naive, needy, desperate, and being a doormat who will accept virtually anything superficial to win the 'love' of the perpetrator back. This is what people in dependent relationships do to 'win back' chronic, un-reformed abusers whose only goal is to continue the emotional/physical manipulation.
3) Acceptance: forgiving someone (prob out of your life) quietly to yourself only as a means of not allowing their hurtful betrayals to torment you any longer. In effect, you are relinquishing 'punishment' or 'retribution' and leaving it to God. You may never overtly forgive them to their face but merely chose to not let their past actions hurt you any longer. Often the case with unrepentant, still-active WSs/xWSs.
4) "True forgiveness": this is only possible with the requisite elements being present in the WS--responsibility, ownership, humility, sincerity, remorse, apology, and GENUINE repentance. True Recovery of a healthy relationship is ONLY possible with all these being present.


I just emailed it to J and he reckons he's somewhere between a 2 and a 3. Now, I don't think from my actions that I expected him to be anywhere further down than this, but I am still a bit surprised.

I clearly have some work to do. I do need to show repentance. Have just borrowed drgnflys list of EPs for me to work out my own, will do that very soon. Hopefully that will be a step in the right direction.

Hi sugarcane, if you're lurking at any point.

Please email me - have stuck email address in sig line

thank you

ST

I sent you an email, st, but just in case it's gone astray, you can reach me on elizabethmb@live.co.uk.

Saw doc today. Went well, now waiting to hear rom psych team.

Books have been dispatched

Hey ST,
I like that 4 levels of forgiveness thing, did BR write it?

Hope all goes well for psych team

Thanks lil

This is a link to the thread. I was quoting sdcwman

Forgiveness

Thanx sweety