This is really great advice. I document all interaction with W. I live in a no-fault state (CA), but I do this to ensure that I can go back and revisit conversations. (As a matter of fact, updating my log is what I was doing this morning when I happened to glance at this thread!)

Plus, when W tries to rewrite history or deny comments that she made, I have my journal and don't have to question/challenge my own memory.

It's on my laptop because that's where it's safest.

TB

Straight after D-day my sister advised me to keep a journal for my only emotional sanity. It certainly has helped me along the way and I am sure that it will be useful in the future when WS decides he wants to be with me but will deny having said some things (as I know he will).

I have thought of typing it up but frankly, there is too much and I don't have the time. But, I never thought from the security aspect to photocopy the pages. I will be doing that tomorrow and will keep them in my locked drawer at work.

That's the main reason I document stuff as well.

Of course, my FWW tells me that what I wrote in my journal is only my interpretation of what happened, and not what actually happened (including comments that I heard her make at the time)...

Thanks for this thread. I am in a no-fault state and I asked lawyer if A had any bearing on custody and lawyer said "no". So what is the purpose of documenting in a no-fault state?

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I live in a no fault state too. What can I do to help myself and the kids when this D happens?

I have given thought to post-nuptials as a possible means for his attempt at R, me willingly participating. Good idea, bad idea?

Anything those of us in a no fault state can do to help our situations any?

Documentation still helps in a no fault state. My state is one of the easiest to get a divorce in - six month waiting period, no questions asked. Some other great learnings from the last 15 months:

1. Court documents are your best documents. Some of the most damaging pieces of evidence came from exWW's court filings. For example, she had petitioned the court for an attorney in the June Protection Order Hearing. In it, she said she has a medical condition that prevents her from thinking clearly when under stress. Guess what my attorney attacked during the custody hearing?

2. I strongly advise anyone to get Google Voice. It will record conversations, create transcripts of conversations, create transcripts of voicemails

3. Downloadable Voice Recorder. Cost me $40, may win custody for me. It already beat two Protection Orders and has destroyed exWW's credibility in court.

4. Keep any important interaction in email format

5. When adultry can come into play is in alimony and division of assets. In my state, alimony is terminated once the recipient cohabitates. In my case, the exWW moved her boyfriend in the day after separation. We are going to trial for alimony soon so all of my efforts are around proving the cohabitation

6. Look for changes in spending patterns. In my case, exWW's credit card statements have a ton of purchases at liquor stores and cigarrette places. I'm in the process of doing a spending analysis of our liquor store spending prior and post separation. Also, look at food spending. One pattern I noticed in discovery was after the first month or so of me living in the apartment, our combined food bills were overall about 25% higher than prior to the separation and with her paying about 65% and me paying 35%.

This is showing either she's eating filet mignon every night or, is supporting another person. Our food bills should have me paying a little more since we have 50/50 custody, I weigh 220, she weighs 105.

If you can show cohabitation / spending money on the mistress / paramour while at the same time not supporting your family, it can come into play.

Man psub, your as sharp as a tack. You should write a manual. "Protecting yourself in divorce for dummies"

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Also record EVERYTHING.

It could save your life.

I live in a no fault country and I still logged everything. Text messages with time, date, content and what cell it came from. Every IM, every email, a transcript of phone calls and visits.

I owned a business with my H and I needed that level of protection as I still had to get his go ahead on spending and since he would never actually put it in writing I needed the rest to show intent.

I also took photo graphs of his living quarters when I stayed with him, visits he had with me, and family holiday photo's to slow down the separation procedures as the lawyer told me that if I could prove we were together in a 'marital type setting', the separation clock started again.

B.U.M.P.

BUMP

I have something to add that many on this thread are missing.

For custody purposes, don't just concentrate on documenting everything your WS does, concentrate on EVERYTHING that YOU do for the children. Important activities to note:

Doctor/dentist visits
School activities
School drop off/pickup
Extracurricular activities
Sports and recreation
Church activities
Trips and travel

In no-fault states, adultery carries very little to no weight. What does sway the judge is documentation of what a good parent you are, not trying to show what an evil person your spouse is.

Patterns of behavior sway the court, not incidents or anecdotes. You will be quickly ignored if come at the court with stories of "what WS did three weeks ago". Documented lists of your involvement with the children over months or years will be viewed favorably.

A hand written journal with dates is the best way to do it. From the journal you can then compile lists or even charts that show patterns of good parenting. These are much better to present in court, but you always need the journal itself to cite as the source. Bank records are also a good way of verifying these lists.

But remember, the goal is to prove what a good parent you are and who is the primary care giver, not to show what a rat the WS is.

I kept on a calendar of all of DD sport events, doctors, dentists, every appointment related to her.

In mediation, I asked for $$ to be put aside to buy DD a car and XH was protesting and I pulled out the calendar and asked the mediator to ask XH how many of these appointments did he take DD to? Mediator came back and XH agreed to $$ for car. (Of course I am going to court tomorrow still trying to get that money).

Another documentation that I used is I found XH apartment on Craigs list knowing he had moved in with PP. He had on his financials that he was paying $$ for apartment. I took out the ad with the landlord phone # and said he had moved out 2 months before and the landlord would verify.

Changed his financial debt ratio to put more on my side of the table.

Good thread.

Schoop & Hope3343
Thanks for sharing valuable information !

Good to know.

Documentation was the cornerstone on the pyramid that enabled us to gain custody of the OCs.

After spending two years going through divorce proceedings in CA, and being pro per (no attorney), I've found that judges really don't care for he said she said type of statements. Make your point and move on to the next point. Don't get riled up because your soon to be X tells a lie to the court, let them finish whatever they are telling the judge.

Judges in CA have very full dockets. Don't waste their time. I would suggest that you go in to court with a Plan C(ourt). Sit down and figure out exactly what you want to get out of this court. Plan your case accordingly.

If you are going to go pro per then by all means go to the court before your trial date and sit in their watching everything that happens. I found it to be quite instructive. Also remember that you will not have the same privileges as the attorneys. At my local superior court you are not allowed to enter the court if you are not on the docket until after first break.

The thing that I did is just watched all the players, involved. I would highly recommend visiting the court even if you have an attorney. You are going to be nervous. Visiting will help with the stage freight.

Go to court prepared. Pen, pencil, and notebook is a must have. When at the table facing the judge. Take notes on a consistent basis. Even if those notes include finishing off your drawing of mickey mouse.

Do not make faces or show emotion to your soon to be X. Oh except it is always good that when your attorney leans down to say something to you that you chuckle just a little bit after.

Divorce cases are notorious for being continued. Don't be surprised if nothing gets done that day. The first, second, or third time you go to court.

Always take someone to chat with when you are outside the courtroom. If this is not possible get a good book to read. Every time I have gone to court, I was bored. Brought pencils and paper, books, and puzzles.

One last thing NEVER talk over the judge. Always let him finish whatever he is saying. I know you are nervous and the soon to be X is lying and your now angry, You just got to say something. DON'T! Just finish your mickey mouse drawing or write a quick bullet point that soon to be X is lying. To be honest the judge probably doesn't care because it isn't germane to the discovery that the judge or attorneys are trying to get through.

Hope this helps.

BUMP

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