FF,

Yes, he was a good guy before this. Nice to everyone, would do anything for anybody, never had a bad word to say about anyone. Boy, has he changed. People who know us can't believe it. Just that he is capable of doing all of this is what is shocking to me. And I do believe that JT is right on, but man, is WH taking it to the extreme!!

Totally right, that JT...she has it nailed. His hostility is not about you. It's something going on within him.

Whether it's fear about the future. Regret that he screwed up. Embarrassment over what he did. Something screwed up chemically from his heart attack. Something neurological or hormonal. Who knows. But, that it may work it out is always a reasonable prayer request.

I'm trying to get this, really. I have this urge to accept too much of the blame and want to try to fix it by possibly trying to explain it somehow. One of these days I'll finally accept that I can't do anything about this and let it go.

Chai - I don't know what is wrong with your hubby. But I do believe that if he was a good man before, he can be a good man again.

Chai,

I have been (silently) following your story and I have nothing but admiration for the woman you are.

Your WH is a particularly virulent breed. I am so sorry he continues to cause you pain. He might just be one of those who never gets what he has done to mess up his life so badly (to say nothing of what he's done to yours). He will find no peace in the way he is playing things out.

May God have mercy on his soul.

YOU. You will be all right, because of what you have within you.

Prayers continue that you find peace.

Right Here Waiting

CL, I think your WH is angry at himself and just takes it out on you. It is definitely a sign that he is still conflicted, I think. Dont take your WH actions personally, in a way it might be a good thing, because it shows that he still somewhere in there still has a conscience. JMHO.

Righthere and Stillhere (now that sounds like a stage act!)

Thanks for your replies. I'm starting to get it that it is about him, although sometimes I honestly think that he believes he did nothing wrong and that he was entitled to it. Oh well, I can't change that. I guess it sometimes feels like there has not been closure. Maybe that's the way it is supposed to be in Plan B.

Well, the new atty was awesome and will be an in-your-face kind of guy.. Has had experience with WH's atty. Nuff said.

The problem is his high retainer. On an hourly basis, he is less than my current guy, but the retainer is way higher. I'm having trouble coming up with it. I know that I am going to spend that amount either way, and probably even more if I stick with the current guy, but I don't know if I can make the number. I spent the day looking at credit cards etc to see where I can piece it together. I've already had to use a line of credit to make my mortgage payment since I still don't have permission to use my funds. Great. Robbing Peter to pay Paul is probably going to become a way of life for me for the next few months. When I think that this UNWANTED D is going to cost me well over $20K in atty fees, it makes me sick. The money that has been lost due to this A is a tragedy. I remember a thread once where members posted the numbers. I could probably win the prize at this point. I'm sure I win the prize for most sneaky and hostile WS.

It's getting harder to pray for him.....

For me, that was a real part of finding peace though. Maybe the time hasn't come for you to do that. But, it did help me.

Chai,

It IS him, and you're right. You can't do anything about that. But Cinders is right about him needing prayer. Understand fully why you can't do that right now. Not to worry--we'll do it!

Hugs to you, DD and Chai Baby.

RHW

Cinder, RTW - thanks for your support throughout all of this.

I realized that I can't come up with the retainer, so have to stick with my current guy.

WH's atty is still claiming he found an account with lots of money in it, so my atty and WHs atty have a meeting with the judge next week. My atty asked for proof, but WHs atty has yet to submit it. Imagine that.

So, I'm screwed right now. Can't pay my mortgage or car payment. Why should WH care? He has a job with a regular paycheck.

Why does he want to destroy me?

You NEED the new attorney, so very badly. Is there a way you can arrange to pay in installments? Anything?

Oooh, your WH needs a major beating.

One question.

Suppose tomorrow he became suddenly repentant. I realize you could likely forgive him for the affair, as many BSs do.

But could you forgive him for trying to destroy you?

Unfortunately no. Basically because he knows that WH's atty is very difficult to deal and communicate with, he stalls, etc. I tried to negotiate, but no dice. He wanted the bucks up front.


You know Karma, I've thought of this many times and it would be extremely difficult to get past this. He isn't only hurting me, he's hurting my DD and chaibaby, and don't know if I could ever comes to terms with that.

Atty called. The money that I'm supposed to be hiding turned out to be part of my 401K money, which of course my atty has known about and submitted since the beginning. Wonder how much WH paid to find that out?

Now his atty is calling the accountant to get 300+ days of detailed docs on my business. Oh brother. The IRS has already gone over it with a fine tooth comb, so not sure what his atty thinks he is going to find that the IRS didn't. Cha ching!!! WH sure is paying a lot of money for a witch hunt.

I don't get it.....

Look at this in a different light.

In trying to destroy you he will destroy himself. He wants so much to make you poor that he is going to make himself poor.

Find out how much his atty costs and do some calculations. That way you can feel a LITTLE better about this.

Cinder, you are so funny. I think karma is right. He is so fixated on taking me down that he can't see beyond it. I know that there is nothing to hide, so I'll just keep providing paperwork. Thank goodness my atty doesn't charge me for copies. I can send a wheel barrow full which should keep them busy for days.

It's sad really. We are just your average working, middle class couple who doesn't have money to spend on atty fees like this. It will accomplish his goal though because I will proably end up filing bankruptcy in the end. And you know what? I'd rather be bankrupt and alone then be with someone who continues to lie and cheat. We all know THAT isn't fun.

It's getting vry ugly. Wh's atty demanded a meeeting with my accountant, but he can't because he is into tax season. Looks like he will get a subpeona.

Can anyone offer advice on how to get through an ugly trial, since it looks like this will go to trial. What should be a cut and dry D case has now turned into a mockery with me defending myself. I feel like I'm going down fast here. Anybody, please tell me how you got through the ugliness....

Look in the mirror and say to yourself, out loud, "I am:

Not a cheater
Not getting nasty with my daughter because she associates with STBX
Not running my spouse into the ground because I hate them"

Chai, just walk with your head held high.

Karma, good to see you round....been missing you.

Why is he not willing to just let this go? He got what he "wanted", didn't he? I just don't get why he thinks you are hiding what he has to know you just don't have? I have never seen such an intense case of entitlement and anger!