Just had a really nice talk with H.

I sent him a text saying that I want to talk to him ALL THE TIME and that I don't want to push him so I keep quiet. He wrote back that I can call if I want to so I did.

He's been fishing alot. He said he was on the lake all day yesterday and managed to get a sunburn in Minnesota in April. Well done, I said. He talks about all the animals he sees at our house: sandhill cranes, wild turkeys and such. I remember being annoyed by all the noise they make but tonight I missed it nearly as much as I miss us. He talked about putting a new starter in the boat and how much longer it took than it was supposed to but, he got it done.

I told him about school (which is thankfully nearly over for the semester) and how I turned in my final paper for one of my classes yesterday. I told him about my work day and what I did this evening.

It was really nice. I had to catch myself a couple of times from talking about the A but was able to keep my trap shut. If he wants to talk about it he will, right? I think that's the stage we're at. I hope it is.

At the end of the conversation he said that he's sure he'll talk to me again soon, I replied with, "I hope so. I love you." He said goodnight and that's good enough.

RG I would like to make some observations/ suggestions ...

it is ONLY a month since you confirmed you had an affair to your H. I'm sure he was 'afraid' that this was the situation because it was the worse scenario from his point of view.
A month is really not that long in this whole thing... even though for a remorseful and repentant WS it seems like an eternity .. I know because I was one too.

Moving out has complicated your attempts to demonstrate to your H you still want a M with him, even if not the old one. It means its easier for him to put up road blocks and build walls because quite naturally he does not want to be hurt again. Getting around these walls even if you move back in will be a key in the recovery process.

Your H is not working to your timetable but the one he was dealt. This took me some time to adjust to as well because I just wanted to get on with recovery NOW. This wasn't meant to be selfish or pushy etc but it can come across like that to your H. He's working on the timetable of March 2009 while you are working on the timetable of when the affair ended some time before.
You see you had all this info and knowledge way before him and had worked through some of it to a place where you thought your M should be given another chance. Albeit with both of you changing your behaviours to a more positive and supporting manner. He's still reeling from the affair sock in the face.
This is where you need to give him time BUT this can still be done under the same roof and it is best if you could discuss this with him as you have been doing ... explain it simply in a straight forward manner. Being together is really a benefit to both of you while working through this.

Does your H want a M with you? $64m question isn't it? I suspect he has NO idea himself right now. One moment he may be kind and almost affectionate and the next cold and distant. He's trying to work through his confused emotions and so are you, he's just further behind the process.

I'm not sure he is having a EA with his partner as we understand a EA here on MB. My H is a professional soldier and will confide a lot in his mates that he will never share with me or other family members. Some mates are female and the trust and closeness is a very special kind of bond. This may be the case with your H and his partner.
Do people cross the line... of course ... we did so we know its possible. Unless you have some strong gut feeling that things are more than just friends or mates (in the friend manner not love manner) then for now concentrate on the M issues ... if this is not a real issue you have of course.

RG this will be a long process and its the old hurry up and wait story. No easy answers... no quick fixes ... and its PAINFUL .. it hurts in a 1000 ways for you and your H.
At times it seems insurmountable and it looks so much easier to walk away.

Don't close yourself off from friends and family right now... even if you don't 'feel' like it go see them... talk to them.. and when your H wants too... keep talking with him as well. If he sounds standoffish keep it quick and simple.. how are you today? good just wanted to hear your voice.. love you bye.

ALSO.. if he wants to vent I found it helps a great deal to .. well.. take it on the chin so to speak. He called me every name in the book and I agreed with him I had acted that way. I did NOT argue. I know some people get all out of joint with this view but I think it allowed him to safely get out of his system all the bile and anger he had against me ... justifiably too. I kept the IC and MC up on this as well so that it never got to be a long term habit ... after a while his heart wasn't in it much and he slowly engaged in recovery.
And yes if you wondered it hurt like h3ll. But frankly a small price to pay for the hurt and pain I gave him so unjustly.

RG this will just take time before he knows anything that he REALLY wants in regards to the M.

I know this is hard and that it eats away at you... feels like the world is falling apart ... but just hang on and vent here... we'll all try to help ... and eat some more ..5 veg and 2 fruit a day

AW

It has been only a month. Feels like so much longer to me and that's where I need to find patience.


Yes, my moving out definitely complicated things. I brought up moving home a couple of weeks ago and my H didn't respond well to that so I have tabled it. Our opposite work hours are also a barrier and one that's the most difficult to work with right now.


I totally see your point. Intellectually I understand this, emotionally it hurts. There's little that doesn't hurt these days.


I'm truly not sure my H will change but I haven't given up yet.


And he sees it as a situation of, "If it doesn't work out, then she'll just be leaving again." I'm not at all excited about that train of thought but certainly understand it. How long do I wait to be allowed to come back home?


He has been kind since D-Day but not affectionate. We have not hugged or kissed or even touched.


At this point I don't have a gut feeling about this partner, no. It's bothersome to me but it's nothing I can control (still working hard on that) so I do my best to put it out of my mind.


I know that I am working though the insurmountable/easier to walk away vs. do it do it do it. I would guess that he is, too, but we don't talk about it.


I've got to work on this. When we talk I just want to keep talking - about anything and everything. I just don't want the line to go dead.


To this point my H hasn't said anything negative about me or the A. I keep waiting for the other shoe to fall with this. I really would like to be there to comfort him.


Thank you AW - all of those that post in my thread offer such wonderful support. I appreciate it so much.

Taked to my H for about an hour today while driving. Kept it very light, talk of work and what we've both been up to. It feels a little bit like we're complete strangers who are just learning about each other and I suppose that's true.

After our talk I was thinking about the summer. I shot him a text asking him to think about going up to our lake place in June. He replied back with, "Maybe, we'll see what June brings."

This is hard, folks. I know I've said it before - the rejection is crippling. And really, this wasn't rejection, necessarily. It's frustrating to me - this is the man who cannot see today or tomorrow to save his life. He is a future thinker. I, on the other hand, can hardly see past next week. I'm a here-and-now thinker.

Because I can only change me I am working on this and thought it would be good to put a bug in his ear about us getting away for a weekend. Why couldn't he have said, "Yeah, I'll think about it." ??

hey Roo,
I know its a rollercoaster of emotions and that your thoughts can swing wildly, but I think you answered this question yourself in your previous post


Did you see what Mark wrote to L4?

Hi lil - thank you for stopping by.

Are you referring to one spouse being able to save the marraige? I did read that. I'm not sure I have absorbed it enough to comment on it right now. I'll go back and read it again.

One thing that I do remember reading here and in L4's thread is that we have to do the hard work to change ourselves and that alone will make the marriage better by some margin, as much as our stuff was hurting ourselves and each other.

That's what I can hold onto today. I have to keep changing me and being the best Roo I can be. What's a little scary is this: my H doesn't seek me out. He's willing to put up with me when I ask to see him. I suppose that's enough for now but man is it hard. And so far, when we do see each other, the A comes up and I get upset (emotionally) and cry. I haven't blamed my H or LB'd - to the best of my knowledge.

I have to travel to SFO tomorrow for work for a week and invited my H along since he's got 3 days off mid-week. He said no.

Yes that was the post I was thinking of. I dont know why your H doesnt seek you out but it is still very early days

I've started and deleted several posts tonight.

What it seems to come down to is this: I have never felt like an important part of my H's life. Not ever. He used to "joke" with me that his highschool girlfriends got the best of him: he liked to take them to shows (Phantom, Joseph, etc.), he was doting and a listener and cared. Really folks, he told me that. Before I married him.

What the hell did I do?

You know what else is messed up? There are other threads on this very board where the BS is posting, a man, and being told that his marriage is fairly new and he is young so cut your losses. Why is no one telling me to cut my losses??

If we're all here, studying the Marriage Builders concepts, why is no one telling me these things? RooGirl, your marriage is young (just over six years) and you are young (nearly 32) - cut your losses.

Is it because I am the WS?

I posted either in my thread or another that I don't understand how one of my vows carrys more weight than the others. Yes, I was unfaithful. And no, when I was carrying out my A I did not honor or cherish my H. That said, I had stopped being honored and cherished by him for years before it started. So I did justify it for a while as a tit-for-tat situation which I now realize and understand was WRONG.

So how do we move on?

I have a BS who seemingly has zero interest in me. He didn't have a CLUE I was having an A until D-Day and yet when I moved out it was sionara. Good-bye, see ya never. Wow. That speaks volumes, doesn't it.

His own words, "RooGirl, I married you because you weren't going anywhere." Ahh...just the words a girl wants to hear.

I'm low. Again. Always.

If I had a superpower it would be to disappear.

Roo, I have to admit I have not read your entire thread. I also don't do the judging for your actions.

However, your last post is giving me a weird reaction.

What do you want?

If I were in your shoes. I would stop worrying about the reactions and keep on working my plan to win my husband back over. Just like it was for ME. I plan A'd my butt off, without any expectations. this is about building back a marriage that you partly destroyed. Please, give it more time and don't think about yourself other than to make sure it never happens again.

You can't control him, his reactions, but you can gain back your self respect knowing you did everything to piece back your marriage.

IMHO

The weird reaction being what?


It changes several times a day.


I haven't been doing a stellar Plan A - my H and I don't live together and work opposite hours/days. It's difficult but not impossible.


You're right. And I'm doing the best I can in the situation that I'm in.

Thank you for your reply, Queenie.

Good question.

In all fairness, the same could be posted to you, except for the fact that you are here and wanting to rebuild your M. You are here looking to learn how to do that.

MB can't make anyone stay M, MB can only give us the tools to help us rebuild. We have to do the work, and how much we put into it, is up to us, BS or WS.

You sound frustrated RooGirl.

Do the best Plan A that you are capable of doing. Do it without expecting anything in return from BH.

Use this time to dissect yourself, recognize your faults, change your thinking and become a better you. Whether a BS or WS, this is part of committing to a M.

The goal is to not only be a better spouse, but a better person ... despite the outcome of the A.

Great post, aussieswife.

FWIW, Roo... I read you everytime I'm on MB yet don't always post. As you're well aware, I'm in a process here and feel the experts -- the recovered FWWs and BHs -- can offer more than I can as far as helping you make progress. But you are always among my must-reads when I'm here.

Know that unfortunately, there are many who have walked this horribly difficult road before you, or who like me, are walking it with you. Know at any time, you can just put out your hand. I will take it as I am right beside you, and we will get through this. As long as we are being the best people we can be, as long as we are doing everything we can to help our H's heal, as long as we are sticking to our EPs, and as long as we are being radically honest, we have a chance. As long as you want that chance, keep it going -- keep working and keep practicing patience. If you don't want that chance, you'll get no judgements from me. It's for you to decide.

You only need to decide.

You're still in my prayers, and still among my must-reads. Take care, Roo.

-L4

Roo,

I am sorry, I am one who reads but doesnt post, mostly because I often feel the others who post to you are giving such superior advice, that there is little I can add.

All I can say I am here and I am listening

Roo

...yep, me too.

You're here because you want to work out what is best. While people here can see that there is a part of you that wants to fix the M and work it out they will encourage you to fix the M.


(((Roo)))

Thank you all, ladies! I wish I had time to do a proper reply but my boss will be here any minute to pick me up for our flight to San Francisco.

I'll be online later tonight and will do it right then.

Thank you thank you thank you!

When their are no kids and the marriage has been short, the BS is young. It is most often the best to plan D.

Your a WW. You chose to cheat. You now chose to recover. As a WW you can do all that is needed to recover your marriage. Transparent, answer all questions.

Your BH had no control of your choices. You have no control of his. BH may not want to or can not recover from your affair.

You can only chose to put in the effort, without any regards to success. Recovery can take two to five years. If you can't put in the time without any guarantee for success then you can plan D, sit back and do nothing and wait for BH to plan D.

I don't remember and your post is to long to read. Did you confess to your BH?

Hi Roo,

I've been one of those lurkers on your thread. I was wondering if you are back home yet? I don't think so but I may have missed something.

I usually like to try to put myself in the BH shoes and then tell what I would be thinking. Can you tell me a little about your BH? You mentioned that he had been cheated on before. Also that he did not catch you but you confessed?

When I read that three things quickly pop into my head

1) How will he ever trust you again? You have proven yourself to be an olympic level deceiver.

2) Why did you tell if it was over? Not only did you cheat but then you just get to dump it all on the H and get rid of that burden as well. (I know it is not MB, and not my situation but I do feel that when I read these accounts)

3) Childish man thing (along the womans line of "was she prettier"). You know was he "better" or bigger was that the reason. For these purposes taller also would hurt. I was so glad the OM is more than 6 inches shorter than me.

I'll keep reading between diapers and bottles.

Gabe

:MrEEk: Definitely TMI!