Hey Sunshine, You know that plan A is hard. We are concerned that your boat will float.

Is chatting to us at all good for you?

I think you really need to work on losing your fear and your feeling of being stuck. The best thing for me during Plan A was to feel like I was moving forward. That came in the form of exposure, of calmly and firmly standing up to things that were simply unacceptable. Other than that, it came in the form of just concentrating on my life. Admittedly, it was nearly impossible to take much peace in the latter and I would obsess and obsess about the affair and my wife. It wasn't until I had exhausted my Plan A efforts and I was was ready for Plan B or Plan D that any sense of peace really returned. So it really is up to you. If you can keep going with plan A, it is OK, but you will be depleting your love for him to the point of non-existence if you keep it up much longer it seems. That might be a good thing, because you can move to the next stage with some peace. I think if I was in your shoes, I'd go to Plan B. It'd be very hard at first, but having those parameters on yourself will help you get on with your life and you will eventually stop obsessing. He may come back or he may not, but I kinda sense that his inactivity might be related to your ability to always be there. If you're no longer available, it might kick him into action, whatever that is. In the end, you gotta do what you think is right!

I feel like I have nothing to loose at this point. I am ready to move forward, I have made what love deposits I could, now it is time to move. no matter what happens, I just can't stand still any longer. I deserve to have a life, whether with him or not.

Can you send me some examples of Plan B.

I believed that chatting has been helpful, Do you believe that I am overwhelmed with all this. At times I am overwhelmed. I honestly know that it takes two to have any type of relationship, however, I wanted a bias place to voice my thoughts and feelings. I know that I have to look into my own situation and make the decisions accordingly. I have gain some insight about wayward spouses.

Do you believe that the time frame of no contact is an issue in my situation.

I understand the fog of the ws, and believe my husband is there. Do you think that this site is not helpful in my case where else would I get constructive and supportive advise.

At times it is suggested to continue with plan A, and expect nothing, just make a good impression, as I continue to work on myself with that thought in mind that I come first and move forward in my life. Yes, it is difficult, no matter what happens at this point, whether he response or move on, I like the inspirational conversations to move forward with courage and re-building esteem.

Yes, I like chatting and receiving suggestions from the posters.

I believed that I was on the right track.

(We are concerned that your boat will float) can you explain what you mean by that.

I know when to re-direct myself, and take care of me, if that means not chatting for awhile on the site, just taking care of myself, I can do that.

I appreciate you guys input.

Sunshine, only you will know when you're there. I know it's hard because there's really no sign from him, but many have suggested a 6 week Plan A. I think you're getting close to that aren't you? I know in Surviving the Affair Dr. Harley simply says as long as you can. Because he's not there and very unresponsive, it's hard to gauge anything. You just have to know when you've given it your best and are ready to act. Plan A is impossible to keep up indefinitely - it takes too much out of you. In my impression of your situation, 8 months of waiting around is long enough. If you still want to save your marriage, Plan B can help you move forward while still making it clear to your husband that you want the marriage. it puts the ball completely in his court for awhile. There's no quick way out or easy fix, but inactivity will lead to insanity! There are many threads on Plan B here... maybe some know good links? I'm sure it will be hard at first, but taking that step will be a step toward strengthening yourself and moving forward. I hope this helps. I know this is a hard place to be. I was there several times too.

And don't be afraid to continue to use this site! That's what it's here for. You need support where you can find it.

Hi Sunshine,

I have been out of town for a few days with no internet access so havent been able to check in.

You ask if you are ready for Plan B. Well, that is your call before it is ours. Dr Harley now a-days suggests 6 weeks for a BW, a bit longer for a BH. I have heard that 'vintage Harley' had plan B left until relations beween the parties was deteriorating.
I did mine for 12 weeks. Mine lasted longer because of mitagating circumstances; like my FIL dying and Flick living with him - I didnt want to lose contact with FIL. But also, I didnt feel my Plan A was good enough until the end of those 12 weeks. I didnt really believe I would recover, so by that stage I was only doing it so I could walk away knowing I had done everything in my power that I could. The day I had the PBL ready to post I knew I was done and had nothing left. No more ways to show my love, prove my sincerity, and no more desire.
Only you will know when you have reached that point.

Have you read SAA??

Sunshine,

"Boat must float" equals "your marriage must be restored" especially with the efforts that you are putting into it.

I think that it is good that Zen is chatting to you here. He was (and maybe still is) wanting to quit the marriage very soon after exposure.

There is a lot of folk here that understand the agony of separation - all wishing you well.

Oh I'm back to working on recovery and it's going very well, if I can cautiously say so. I reached the point of just wanting divorce three times, so yes, I know what it's like to be ready to just hang it all. I never stopped wanting my marriage, I was just pushed to the point where I didn't think it was possible and I didn't think I had any more to give. I don't know what to tell you other than the fact that you'll know when you've reached that point. Before you reach that point, you might try Plan B.

Zen,

Thank you for your support, you are right 8 months going 9 months is a long time with no effort from my husband. I guess I see other marriages being restored and rekindled, couples trying to work on things and doing what it takes to make their marriage work. making up, I guess I live in a fantasy. I don't understand how my husband, after 8 years can just walk away with nothing, it hurts!!!

Yes, Zen, I believe that I said I would do Plan A for at least 6 weeks. I have about 2 weeks left of Plan A. This is tiring at times. My husband just wants me to realize that our marriage is not what he wanted. The WS babble hurts!!

I don't feel angry, I just feel sad, and a sense of lost. As much as I have tried, I don't know what else to do.

I believe that my husband has a consious, and he will one day deal with his face in the mirror. I have christians saying to stand in the gap, and don't worry about no communication, just stand and pray. How can a marriage survive without communication?

I manage to pay the bills and try to maintain this big house. I am not afraid, I am just hurt. I ask for some sign of encouragement for our marriage. I pray that my husband comes to his senses.

I think that he believes that because we don't have children together, that he does not have the commitment to our marriage. I am trying to stand and believe that one day he will come home. Why can't I seem to let go?

I want my marriage to be renewed

I will look at some Plan B letters.

Sunshine,

There are folk here that have been divinely guided. I think of a WS who was caught with OW in a car accident. God had controlled his path each time he tried to steer away.

Do not neglect God in your prayers. One solid point is that He is able to sustain you through the next couple of weeks of plan A.

He can make you cheerful when there is no earthly reason to be so. Never neglect him, He is more important than earthly contact. Why, He is our husband in Heaven.

As I continue to pray for my marriage, I believe that there is something that God wants me to know and realize, and to work on. I realize that God was not first in our marriage. I am a christian and was saved at age 13, not perfect by any means. My husband is muslim. Met many of his friends and have been involved with observing his spiritual walk, and we would have spiritual talks, and I believed that we both were on the same page with understanding God's laws and spiritural journey.

it is not in my nature to be worldly. I have tried to put my marriage first. It was not perfect but our marriage was good, I felt that it was solid, It's strange, that someone could live a double life.

We had talked about what we needed to do to get back on track,

I have to figure out what I am to do with my life knowing that I want God to be first in all that I do and that I am.

I need to rekindle my relationship with God.

I have no plans for this weekend but to clean my house and spend some time with me and God.

I continue to pray that my husband will talk with individuals who are talking about doing the right thing, returning home,and pill away the layers of hardness from his heart, as I listen to what God wants me to do.

God first, all else secod.
There is a BW here, Queenie, whose walk with God is amazing. She encourages me in mine just by reading how she is releasing herself over to Him every day with everything.

If it helps, the statistics Dr H uses are 97% of all affairs will end in the first 2 years, and 75% of the remainder will end in 6. That leaves something like only 1% of the original 100 going on to having a good M from an affair.
Statistics are on your side.

Lil, thank you, I have read some of Queenie's post, she does have great faith.

Stats are in my favor. So is God! "for I know the plans I have for you, declares the lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. I appreciate the powerful information, insight, and wisdom.

It will have to be a divine intervention to bring us back together. I beleive in signs and wonders, because I have had many all my adult life and in the last few months, reasuring me that things are ok, even with the hurt and heartache of my ws.

I am thankful, I have people who love me for me, I still have a job, I am safe. I know I have work to do, I am just glad that God is dealing with me in a different way than with my ws.

I need to continue to focus on my revelations!!!!

The strangest thing just happened. I went to get something to eat at a drive thru and saw my husband's car in the lot. I didn't see him in the restraunt from where I was, so I left a little note that said, "Just happen to be getting something to eat". As I was driving away, I saw him coming out of the restraunt with his bookbag, by himself, he was in there eating and studying.

I ask God to give a sign, I don't know what this meant, but he was by himself. I was relieved. He has not called. so maybe nothing. He is not with anyone!!!!

This place is right around the corner from our house. Out of all the places to eat, he was there. why so close?

Just sent him a text that said "I didn't see you so I left a note, hope things are ok".

another deposit!!!

Not expecting anything.

Hi Lil, Queenie, said that you are one of the most important people in her life. I am privileged to be amongst the angels of encouragment.

Sounds like I am in good hands, Thank you for your embrass.

Sunshine,

I hope that I am still going to be your friend after I mention this. Don't shoot the messenger.

If you are a born again Christian, you need to know these things. The Bible instructs Christian marriage to Christians( Do not be unequally yoked). Your instruction from scripture is to leave your husband alone(1Cor7:15). Yes, leave him, do not let him return.

You need to spiritually discern what is right. Your separation may be a sign from God. Read the Bible to confirm.

Recall that as a Christian we would neglect Jesus, our eternal husband, by going our own way.

Imagine,

Yes, still be mine friend. It has been mentioned on occassion about being equally yoked. So I am not offended. I have prayed about what I am to do, I understand, It will have to be a divine intervention to bring us back together. Thanks for the scripture read.

I have mine own work to do with God, lots, It is now about my relationship with God.

God is first, everything is second. (Thanks Lil,) He will also guide me on what I need to do. So, I will continue to pray that God gives me strength for what he is going to do in my life. And I pray that God will change my husbands heart, and remove anything that takes him from the path of righteousness and that the hard shell he has around him also be removed. I ask God to show his face to my husband, as well as to me.

I am not sure when God's work will done with me, if ever, or with anyone else, if ever, so I only pray that God embrasses us all, and that he, God, will decide, when, where, how, and with whom, we will have as partners, and friends. I believe that as God's children, he is the father, and he will and has instructed us on how to let him be the judge of our fate. Persecution, and judgement is not my thing, it is Gods. So, I will let him have at it. I pray that my husband will be healed and whole, as I pray for others to be healed and whole, as well as myself to be healed and whole.

In our friendship, I hope that we can discuss what we need to discuss.

YOUR WORDS - "But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats"

No worries Sunshine

So I have been thinking that if you are close to PB, then it's probably time to start getting your ducks in a row... getting ready for action so to speak

Do you have an intermediary? Is there a LSA in place? Are custody issues resolved? (Can't remember how old your children are) And is the finances taken care of? Is your PB letter written and checked out on here?

Here is a link to some PBL's on the site plan B letters I can post mine if your interested, but it is very long...much longer than most people send. I am lucky enough to have an H who is used to my overly long writtings

Amen sister!