Okay!!! I just really feel bad for you is all!!!

Krazy,

Even if she saw you pain, up close and personal, did she UNDERSTAND what to do with it???

Let me ask you this, IF your wife were to change and become a FWW like the likes of Mrs. W or Lala (Resonance), would you be WILLING to try a little longer????

I too am sorry for your pain. I am sorry that your M has come to this. While I am neither trying to add to grief that this decision carries, I too would love to see nothing more than your M THRIVE, not just survive......

not2fun

Perhaps Krazy, like me, does not only need a repentant, aware, understanding nor even former adulteress for a wife. We simply need an untainted marriage. Atonement, forgiveness, repentance, recovery, ENs, RH, change, no change, has little to do with it and never had much to do with it.

Perhaps we didn’t even know what it was we needed at first. It took a while to settle out. But we need what we need. The once all-consuming love is gone. We need what now can never be. An untainted marriage. Period.

Does that make us the bad guys in the end?

NO, it does not. I just feel really sad about that question. No, you are not the bad guys. No.

No not at all. In fact, I can completely understand. I still mourn today losing that untainted marriage. It tore my soul completely apart.

BUT....Krazy does love his kids. He has expressed many many times over how he doesn't want to see his family torn apart. And while I know, the responsiblity of that lies with his FWW, I simply wanted him to think, to make sure that all avenue's have been exhausted......

I would never condemn him for taking this road. I completely understand and stand behind him.....

not2fun

Unfortunately, there is no perfect choice for a BS, especially when children are involved.

Choice A: A "tainted" marriage

Choice B: A broken family

Just be sure that you aren't thinking the grass is greener when in reality there's a whole lot more dogsh!t you can't see.

Krazy, every single BS has the right to leave the marriage and not a single person here will hold it against you if that is what you do. You will most likely be supported in either choice you make.

Just realize going into it that there ARE consequences to choice B that you will be unaware of until you have lived through it. It's that way with everything.

This is exactly how I feel and why I think my marriage will never recover.

It certainly does NOT make you bad guys in the end.

I feel the same way, that my marriage is somehow "tainted" and i sometimes wonder if i really want to stay in it myself.

I do know however that Krazy does love his children and even his FWW the thought of tearing up his family is killing him. And i think that by him hiding his true feelings from his FWW this whole time that maybe if he showed them to her and she realized (as much as a WS can realize) that pain then she may have a chance to "make amends" in some way that Krazy could accept.

Then again maybe Krazy thinks there is nothing she could do even if she knew his pain that he could accept. I would not fault him regardless of his decision.

Even though he is a smart guy and i am sure he has thought about this a hundred ways or more. I agree with SMB that there are consequences to leaving that he will not see until he has left that he may not like.

Aphelion, you are a friggin' genius. You nailed it right on the head. I hadn't been able to articulate it like that.

I just can't live with a tainted marriage.

Untainted is an interesting choice of words. Untainted as in pure, perfect. We all know that marriage is not perfect. I agree you hit the nail on the head, but I would say it is more along the lines of a broken marriage. Broken vows. Broken commitment. The day you stood before your family and friends promising things, committing to one another. That all being false...being tainted! That is the very essence of marriage, yet we no longer have that. I understand completely!

I understand as well, maybe some of us are just not cut out for "recovery".

WAIT..........Think about this, learn from my mistakes. I did everything WRONG, BACKWARDS. I'm on my way back home after a year. If you love her, you will regret the PLAN D for the rest of your life. Its just a legal document anyway. I left, went through 20 women, and still I'm headed home. Its going to be a journey, but I'm headed home. No untainted marriage replaces your family, ya know??!! Most marriages are tainted anyway as the people had partners prior to the marriage. Had yall beeen seperated during that time, you'd care not..

DUDE

Don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not sure you know this to be true. You should "check it out" before you make a final decision.

I wouldn't say that to anyone that experienced what you did and has been at it for 2.5 years, but for the fact that you have not been O&H with your FWW about your feelings during that 2.5 years. It is a mistake to assume that she should have known how much pain you are in.

How do you know that the issue isn't that you just can't live in a marriage where you have to stuff down negative feelings?

I'm moving out next week...it's an amicable, trial separation for now.

She saw too much to not know my pain. There were physical and emotional symptoms that were plainly visible to everyone that linger to this day.

I'm still trying folks. Really, I am, but it's killing me. Figuratively and literally.

Krazy,
Have you thought about changing your name here, hiding your old posts, and bringing her onboard? Maybe the vets on here can get through to her in a way that you can't?
If you have tried everything else...

Krazy, my concern for you is that you think a divorce will stop your pain and suffering.

The damage HAS BEEN DONE. You have to pick up the pieces (and there are a lot of shattered pieces) and move forward.

You can do that married or divorced from your wife, but the shattered pieces will still be there. The only difference is that she can't help you pick them up if she isn't married to you.

I'm not being unsupportive of your decision, I am just worried about you...and your children.

Have you and your wife ever been separated? Did she or you leave during the affair or after d-day?

No, although she threatened to many times.

Sexymama,

He rids himself of a trigger. If he can't get over the image, what kind of marriage will he build for anyone.

Krazy if this is not a cop out to ditch an unhappy marriage, then this is your chance.

Krazy, everyone will tell you that children are resilient and they'll adjust.

And that's true.

They'll learn to adjust just like you have been learning to adjust from the trauma you have suffered. This separation will be traumatic for your children, similar in some ways as D-day is for a BS, and it is totally out of their control, just as our D-days are.

I'm worried that you think a divorce will fix your pain when it won't.

I'm worried that you think your children will be OK without acknowledging that a divorce will be for them what D-day was for you.

Go into this with your eyes open.

After tst left, our son sat on the floor of tst's old closet. I crawled in there and asked him what was wrong. He said,"Do you REALLY want to know mommy?" I answered yes. He said, "Everyday, all day long, I miss my daddy." Then he closed his eyes and sobbed.

I could share with you many other heart-wrenching moments we had during that separation.

But now, that same son runs to the door every morning to hug and kiss his daddy and tell him he loves him. And that son and I stand at the door together and wave to his daddy as he leaves for work. And that same son greets his daddy everyday at 5:45ish with another big hug because he's back home.

THAT is worth living in a "tainted" marriage.

IF your wife is willing to do her part, it IS worth fighting to get through.

We can't go around it, under it, or over it...we have to go THROUGH it (the pain). But what we (me, my husband, and my children) GAIN is WORTH going through that pain.

Yes, he does.

But to alleviate his pain, he creates pain and possibly triggers for his children and quite possibly more for himself that he doesn't see coming.

Divorce is not the fix all solution. It doesn't make it all go away.






I've lived through enough triggers and images and more to know that IN SPITE OF THEM, I can still have a loving, passionate, intimate marriage. No, it's not free of pain. But neither is divorce.

I am NOT trying to argue you out of a decision to divorce, although it does break my heart that your children, or any children, will have to deal with it. I'm just trying to bring up points that may not have been considered.