VST, I told my children something similar to what MF said to hers. And Melody is correct that if YOU don't LEAD DD to a moral code, your WS's twisted version of right and wrong will confuse her.

You must not be afraid to SPEAK TRUTH to her. As a Christian, you have the authority of Scripture behind you. Be CONFIDENT in that.

I told my children, who were at the time ages 6-17, that when mommy and daddy got married they promised to be married forever and to love only each other with a special love. I told them that I meant what I said, but that daddy was making a very bad choice that was hurting all of us. I told them that daddy has a girlfriend and has decided not to live with us as a family anymore. (lots of tears from them) I told them that daddy was sinning and because sin was clouding his mind, he couldn't see how much he was hurting them or me. I told them we could and should pray for daddy. I told them that daddy loved them as best he could while choosing sin, but that I realize they may not feel very loved right now. I told them that one day daddy would be horrified at what he has done to all of us and would be very sorry.

I made sure that my children knew that they could discuss this with me anytime that they wanted. I made sure that they knew I would be honest with them.

This discussion came up many more times and I reiterated the same thing. Daddy loves you as best he can right now, even if it doesn't feel like it (he was doing some crazy things). Daddy will be very sorry one day when he realizes how much he has hurt us. We need to pray for daddy to SEE the TRUTH.

Remembering all of this is breaking my heart...I have repressed a lot of it...our kids were sobbing as well...like I have never seen them cry before.

But it was still the right thing to do...they NEEEDED to know...so that we could all pray together, and I also needed some MERCY from them...I was really struggling and was kind of lost in my own world. I needed them to understand WHY and be patient and understanding with me. They were, once they knew the truth.

You are in Plan A, and you need to stay there for a few weeks to a few months at most.

Here's how this works.

Behind the scenes you are doing everything in your power to destroy the affair...exposure being your number one weapon.

Whenever you interact with WS, you demonstrate your willingness to meet his ENs and you do NOT love bust.

In your words and actions, you are sending the message that you are a wife worth having.

-be pleasant and upbeat
-make the home warm and welcoming
-invite him to join in on family stuff--dinners, outings, weekends, etc (but have no expectations that he will take you up on the offers)
-be sure to always look your best in his presence
-start some new hobbies/interests
-send a "hey, just thinking about you" text or email every now and then
-thank him when he does something helpful
-think of ways to meet his admiration need, which is usually high for men

-no angry outbursts
-no disrespectful judgements
-no relationship talk

If you allow love busters, you will destroy your efforts. You are trying to leave a positive feeling about you. You want him to ask himself, "now what was it that made me leave???" So, I'll say again, NO relationship talk. Even if he brings it up. When he brings it up, he will eventually turn it against you and will leave feeling justified in his affair because....you will never change, blah, blah, blah.

Thanks MF, I know the feeling of being lost in your own world. That is such a good way of describing it. Thank you for sharing even though it brought back the memories. This site has been a Godsend and I mean that literally.

SMB, Thanks for writing that out for me. I know you all have done this for me before but I know you understand the state of mind I'm in right now. In just sorry you have to repeat yourself so much. I'm just an infant at this but I'm really trying and I'm learning thanks to all of you.

And yes, you do all of this KNOWING that he is having an affair.

Because...

you are giving him your very best

so that when you go into Plan B and cut off all interaction with him

he
will
remember
your
Plan A

and not an angry, out-of-control, falling apart basket case.

Pray before every interaction you have with him. Pray in your heart DURING every interaction.

You will be amazed what you can do with Christ on your side.

What day this week are you going to expose?

Wed or Thurs.

Part of your criteria for him to come home will be that he needs to quit his job (unless OW leaves...which just might happen after you expose to her H).

Don't bring this up to WH anytime soon...we will coach on when a good time to bring that up is. If you need to go to Plan B, it will be in your PBL.

Also... you know not to breathe a word of your plan for exposure to WH, right???

I would be careful about telling anyone IRL...someone might leak it out and that would be disasterous. You don't want him getting to people first, spinning it so that you are the crazy, jealous W or some other such nonsense.

Yes thanks MF, not a word.

Ok, so we'll give you until Wed. or Thurs. to expose but we WILL hold your feet to the fire over this.

And if you get proof from the PI before then, you will expose sooner, right???

yes sooner if I get the proof.

I've only just started plan A and the pain of trying to act like I'm even just ok is so hard. When he looks at me or smiles at me it's that "sorry but I don't love you anymore" look. I can see it in his eyes clear as day and it hurts so much. My DD and I took dinner to him as he was working late just a little ago. An act of kindness that was like taking a knife in the heart. The pain is palpable.

(((vst)))...I know how hard this is. I did not know my H was in an active affair, he hid it from me very well...I am not sure how I would have coped. It's been torturous enough knowing that it happend at all, much less WHILE it was happening.

Stay here and walk through this with us...we will help you. I have a strong feeling that exposure is going to really help things by ENDING the A so that that REALITY can hit them.

Once reality sets in, affairs almost ALWAYS crumble.

Plan A your [censored] off until then...you can do this.

Thanks MF. Having all of you is a lifesaver.

Just wondering, you don't say in recovery after plan b. Are you recovered?

Also, you say your FWH hid it well, that was a good thing for you. Mine didn't really but I felt powerless to do anything until I could prove it. I've suffered over a year now. That's why the prospect of a long painful recovery is scary. The lies he told me makes me shudder. I've probably got some new ones even for you long timers!

Sorry to be a pessimist but I swear my life has fallen into the "almost" ditch whenever possible. I just pray this time will be different.

Oh my gosh, I just went back and read your 1st post. I could have written it. My husband, affair with coworker. I found out in Jan. He moved out in Feb. But he has filed for D (in March) and he doesn't want to work on it. At least your H says he's willing to try. I too am trying to be kind, confident (I guess that's Plan A). Today is my 1st day on the MBsite. I am praying reality sets in soon, because I miss my H so much it hurts! Our family and friends know about the A. I have not contacted his work yet, but I'm considering it.
I'll be thinking about you!!

Thanks NHSS, I'm sorry about your situation. I don't really know if my WH really wants to try. I guess I'll find out after exposure. Right now I think he's on the fence....but best of luck to you and hopefully reality will change everything!

Since Plan B we have been in recovery.

Yes, my H hid everything from me...he never told ME he wanted a D, but apparently that is not what he led the OW to believe. That's painful because of the DECEIT...and it's also very hard to overcome that once you are in recovery.

If you want to read my story, click on my name and look for my posts back in early March 2007. That's when I found out we had been in a false recovery and I did my nuclear exposure. It's also when we finally got into "real" recovery.

VST, just wanted you to know that I am praying for you...for strength to follow through with fighting for your marriage.

((((((vst)))))))

Glad to see you are back.....even though it appears to be hopeless, it is not. Even when you doubt this, come here.....it will be a life line for you......

I totally agree with SMB....you need to Plan A for awhile. You haven't done a proper one. Even after exposure, you STAY in Plan A. I say this because WH will be FURIOUS. And he will come at you with all kinds of mean, horrible, horrendous fogbabble. You have to be MENTALLY prepared for this....this whole fight is 100% MENTAL. I know you feel you aren't up to it, BUT I think you are. None of us thought we were, yet we made it....

and....

you have something in your corner most don't have....

YOur WH moved out. I came say this because mine had moved out as well. Wanted a divorce, thought he had found his soulmate, wah wah wah wahhhhhhhhhh ...fogbabble. But I personally believe this made it EASIER for me, because I found it easier to be mentally tough and Plan A well when he was around because I wasn't exposed to HIM continuously (did that make sense???)

I also found it easier because the affair wasn't being flaunted in my face......

SMB wrote you a GREAT post on Plan A. When I was first on here and early in my sitch, Mark had taken everything and condensensed it down to 3 rules for me....

Plan A

1. Advoid all Love Busters
2. Meet all Emotional Needs
3. No expectations.....

The No expectations is crucial. You need to advoid all Love busters and meet any EN's that you can without EXPECTING WH to meet your needs or EXPECTING him to advoid love busting on you.

Exposure is CRUCIAL......

I did very well in Plan A for a long time, BUT the affair didn't end UNTIL exposure. Once the affair hit the light of day (or evening in my case....lol) they couldn't run or hide or gaslight any more. I had factual proof and RE-EXPOSED to everyone. And once I exposed to COW'S H, well, within 6 weeks, NC was established and recovery was started.....

And that is a whole nother ballgame.....but it is worth it....


SMB's story is a good one to read. I read it too when I first arrived. She was just beginning recovery when I first came here, and her story gave me great hope when the days were darkest. There are many others on here as well....you can look in Recovery for Ace's "REcovery" thread.

Oh, and one more thing.....the longer you do Plan A, you will find that it ends up being more for YOU. And helping YOU become the best YOU you can be.....

Hang in there.....we are all here to help you....

(((((vst))))))

not2fun