kewwy, this is the perfect day to say something to him!

If you're scared, write it down on a piece of paper and hand it to him. Say "I'm too nervous to say this out loud, but I want you to know how I feel" and hand him the note.

Do it today, not tonight.

Hi kez,
Sorry I couldnt catch up with you while I was away but grandma didnt have internet access while she was alive and it didnt feel right to leave and find a internet cafe

Firstly I did say I would give you the link for the abbreviations and stuff abbreviations here sorry I took so long about it.

Ok, so what are you doing to be O&H (open and honest) with your H about SF (sexual fulfulment) and how you feel right now? Have you looked at the basic concepts on the site and worked out what your top EN's (emotional needs) are and what LB's (love busters) your H might be doing?

Ouch, kewwy. I am so sorry to hear how you feel.

But I think that I can help you with this problem.

(1) Firstly, you appear to have problems in your marriage. Your needs do not appear to be fulfilled. And his needs do not appear to be fulfilled. The two of you need to work on your marriage. That way he will get hot sex that he so desperately needs, and you’ll have your needs fulfilled.

(2) I suggest that every week at the same time the two of you have a conference to discuss your marriage, your relationship. Calendar it for 30 minutes or an hour. Talk about your relationship, how you can improve it, read HNHN together, and discuss it. Don’t talk about the kids or your house or crazy neighbor or your careers; just your relationship. By scheduling this time to talk about nothing but the relationship, you will be able to delve deeply into any topic without being disturbed. Not for a couple of weeks to overcome any current problems, but have these sessions on-going to address any future problems. Although my W and I never had any serious problems in our marriage, these weekly sessions really made our marriage bloom -- I can’t imagine a better wife, and she can’t imagine a better husband. Sell it to him as a “preventive maintenance” service.

(3) Please realize that if his top EN is SF, then eventually you will need to fulfill it. There is no two ways about it. However, it is NOT your fault that he does not get his SF fulfilled. It is not only on your shoulders. The two of you need to figure out what the two of you need to do to make it more pleasant for you to fulfill his need. If you are having the weekly conference as suggested above, then it might take 5 to 10 sessions to come up with solutions to the problem of him not getting enough sex. The two of you really need to be dedicated to getting this problem solved. It will take months, if not years, to really get this problem solved. If you are dedicated to solving his problem of not having sex, he'll eagerly play ball.

(4) As far as the actual sex goes, what we do is to have a regular schedule. Twice a week, at a certain day at a certain time, without fail, my W and I have sex. Every time at that time slot, never outside. I never have to be uncomfortable by asking her for sex. She never has to uncomfortable by turning me down. I know when it is coming, thus I am never anxious if I get some. On the nights when we are not scheduled to have sex, we can cuddle, have massages, do fun stuff without having to wonder if our affection will turn to sex.

(5) Never discuss sex on the nights that you actually have sex. Criticism, post-mortem discussion, plans for future sexual games, etc. should be left to the weekly conference. That way the two of you can have an open discussion without having to wonder if what was said was said simply to effect the sex that night.

Good luck!

Thankyou this is great advice i will certainly give it a go i need to read all the abbreviations so i know what you are talking about.. i will look over this whole site this weekend and start talking to him soon. He would love us to be close. Ill keep you posted thank you.
kez

Hi there i wondered where you had gotten to i will look over the whole site this weekend and try to set up a plan.. Ill keep you posted .. Hope all is ok with you xxxx
kez

Hi there the day was gone b4 i got your post but thanks heaps for your post i am so grateful dont give up on me
kez

Hi kez,

I get confused by the timezones, but I think you are still in the same day, maybe it's evening now. (edited to add: Looks like I was wrong, I just saw your post saying the day is over.) I hope things went ok.

I've been busy the past few days and haven't been around much, but a few days ago some threads were "bumped" (replied to so that they appeared near the top of the list) on the General Questions II (GQII) forum that were about groping. (If you click on the word "Forums" near the top on the left you can choose GQII.) Did you get a chance to read them?

Is it just with your husband that you don't like sex? Have you always not liked sex with him, or did you like it in the past?

I hope your day went/is going ok.

Kez is an Ocker but I don't hold that against her

hope all is ok with you? xx

Hi Jayne
We used to have a great sex life its just gone down hill over the years to nothing now.Amazingly though we have been getting on really well this week. So hopefully we can build from here. I m going to look around on the site tonight and get the hang of it. Also i was looking on here last night and he caught me so i told him im just trying to get some help. I think he is worried its a cult so ill see what happens.Whats your history here?
kez

Hi kez,

I found MB during a time when my M was struggling. My H was working and living in Canada and I was in the US most of the year. The kids and I would go to CA to be with H during school breaks - all summer, and from US Thanksgiving through New Years, with me returning to the US for the 3 weeks between Tgiving and when Christmas break began; the kids stayed in Canada for those 3 weeks, and usually grandparents were there as well.

The long distance bit was very hard on the M. Plus, we each have our own idiosyncrasies. We were arguing a lot, all sorts of LBs with AOs etc. No infidelity.

Here's a link to my thread.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1871568#Post1871568

I had started at least one other before that, but most of the stuff is on this one.

Sometimes I feel as if I'm still making the same mistakes as back then... but then I look at how much better my M is now, and over-all things are tons tons better even if we still sometimes have LBs, they aren't nearly like the old AOs.

(Should that be "tonnes tonnes better" for y'all metric folks?)

kewwy, why did your sex life go downhill?

Hey kez,
I am fine sweety, don't worry about me.

You said your H found you on MB and made a comment about it being a cult It's kind of funny but alot of the spouses of the MBers think that. At least until they get a bit of an understanding of it AND see the results in their M's. Flick thought we were all raving loonies up until about 6 months ago. Now he is a bona fida MBer, as long as I don't make him post

Something you could say to him is that MB teaches us to be better people as well as better spouses. Does he know that this is where I was helped during Flicks A? Say hi to him from me as well.

If you can I recommend you buy a copy of His Needs, Her Needs (HNHN) I found a copy in a Christian bookshop when I was over there last, not sure if it would be in the secular shops. Or try the library. It gives a great insight into EN's and how they affect our M's.

I cant pin point a time but its been very bad for about 10 years and getting worse. He says i cringe if he comes near me.
kez

Glad you are ok xx I told him that this is where you got help. Also told him i got on to it through you. He didnt appear to happy. I will look out for that book hopefully i can find it. I want to get a bit of help on here before i involve him. He wants me to get help as he is not the one that doesnt want sex.
kez

I do not consider MB as a cult. Although MB is nominally a Christian website, I do not see at as religiously oriented as some other websites devoted to helping couples. I think that the conceots that are presented by Dr. Harley would work in all marriages regardless of religious affiliation.

My wife and I started reading HNHN because we wanted to improve our marriage. Not necessarily because it was bad, but because we really value our marriage, and it makes sense to do preventive maintenance on such an important enterprise.

We could have chosen out of any number of books on marriage. I do not know how HNHN stack against others, but I like what he has to say. What actually attracted me to HNHN the most was the addressing of sex -- Dr. Harley acknowledges SF as a legitimate need, seperates it from the need of affection, and makes it clear that the wife should fulfil this need.

here are some articles by Dr. H that you might find interesting...

Why women leave men

when you should tell your spouse

creating a plan to restore love

kewwy, isn't this a VERY important thing for the two of you to discuss? I asked you because I want you to spend some time thinking about it - both of you - and spend some time working on it!

That strong of a response doesn't just come out of nowhere. It's based on something else. Does he grope at you all the time? Does he ignore all your needs and then expect you to perform SF? Is he abusive? Does he hurt you in SF? Do you get anything out of SF or is it just about him?

You need to sit down and talk about this!

Makes it clear that a wife SHOULD fulfill this need? umm this statement does not sit well with me it sounds like its from the 1900's.Is that why you are on here cause your wife HAS to give you sex?
kez

Hi there, he never ever gropes me,he doesnt abuse me in any way. Sf always hurts cause im never ready for it. I tell him dont touch me just do it and he does.. I may as well be the dog. We dont talk about it cause he gets angry and says he doesnt have a problem its me. So i have given up talking.
kez