|
|
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
Member
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249 |
Why do you think that he feels fondness for OW? That would scare me too.
Over it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305 |
Because he has never spoken "badly" about her. And when i do he almost "takes up" for her in a way. Saying things like i don't really think she is/was that type of a person.
Maybe he says it because it would make him feel even worse to think that he was with such a "no good white trash ho" and she is the TRUE definition of a "no good white trash ho"
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249 |
My husband took up for OW in the beginning but has started saying some really insulting disrespectful things lately. I hated when he stuck up for her and it worried me too. I stopped bashing her and he stopped defending her. Are you bringing it up?
Over it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305 |
No i have not brought her up in a long time. But he has never "trashed talked" her. He has always almost "protected" her. I think maybe if even once he would have agreed with me regarding her actions i would feel differently.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249 |
Is he normally the type to "trash-talk" or is he normally more respectful?
Over it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249 |
Do you think that he still feels flattered by her pursuit? Is that what bothers you? Is he still a flirt?
Over it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305 |
He is normally respectful and does not "trash talk" people.
However she said some pretty HORRIBLE things DIRECTLY to me and our children. And then told him "I" was lying and that she never even called our house (when she was trying to get him "back" when he went back to work).
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305 |
Do you think that he still feels flattered by her pursuit? Is that what bothers you? Is he still a flirt? I am sure he does because he has a HUGE need for ADMIRATION. And he always has to mention when any women look at him or whatever. Like "did you see that" she was staring me down. What bothers me is that i think he still thinks fondly of her and i do not want him to. His "flirtiness" has improved while we are in public quite a lot. I am not sure when we are not together though as some of the things he says about work i think he speaks far too much to his female co-workers.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249 |
He is normally respectful and does not "trash talk" people.
However she said some pretty HORRIBLE things DIRECTLY to me and our children. And then told him "I" was lying and that she never even called our house (when she was trying to get him "back" when he went back to work). I can understand how you feel. I feel the same way. Problem is, our FWSs feel differently because their perspective is from the other side. We were victims of the affairs. They were the perpetrators of the affairs. You can't make your husband feel hatred any more than he can make you feel forgiving or indifferent. I suspect that the best we can do is try to accept that we will feel differently and move forward.
Over it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249 |
Do you think that he still feels flattered by her pursuit? Is that what bothers you? Is he still a flirt? I am sure he does because he has a HUGE need for ADMIRATION. And he always has to mention when any women look at him or whatever. Like "did you see that" she was staring me down. What bothers me is that i think he still thinks fondly of her and i do not want him to. His "flirtiness" has improved while we are in public quite a lot. I am not sure when we are not together though as some of the things he says about work i think he speaks far too much to his female co-workers. I think you are right to be afraid of the flirtiness. It is not like he can say, "nothing ever happened". He can't say that ever again. I would not focus on his feelings. I would focus on his actions. The flirtiness shows a lack of boundaries. You know that. That is why it bothers you so much. He is working on it. I would keep focused on helping him understand that it is not innocent but very dangerous (without DJs of course).
Over it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305 |
He is normally respectful and does not "trash talk" people.
However she said some pretty HORRIBLE things DIRECTLY to me and our children. And then told him "I" was lying and that she never even called our house (when she was trying to get him "back" when he went back to work). I can understand how you feel. I feel the same way. Problem is, our FWSs feel differently because their perspective is from the other side. We were victims of the affairs. They were the perpetrators of the affairs. You can't make your husband feel hatred any more than he can make you feel forgiving or indifferent. I suspect that the best we can do is try to accept that we will feel differently and move forward. While i totally agree with you it is just sometimes really hard. It really bothers me to think that he will ALWAYS have these "fond feelings for her" when between the 2 of them they wrecked our lives. And she was a single OW who knew he was a MM and she pursued and pursued and pursued until she got what she wanted (which was my H). I am not trying to lay ALL the blame on her because she certainly did not have a gun to his head when he went to her house and got into bed with her. But i do think her actions were "UNFORGIVABLE" and i would think that my H would think the same thing. And i would think that the things she said to HIS children would have brought some kind of a "nasty" response from him but it did not.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305 |
I think you are right to be afraid of the flirtiness. It is not like he can say, "nothing ever happened". He can't say that ever again. I would not focus on his feelings. I would focus on his actions. The flirtiness shows a lack of boundaries. You know that. That is why it bothers you so much. He is working on it. I would keep focused on helping him understand that it is not innocent but very dangerous (without DJs of course). He has never even tried to say "nothing has happened" and would not dare now. He has always just said he is just "friendly". But his "friendly" and my "friendly" have two entirely different meanings KWIM? And i have been trying to help him to understand and like i said he has improved A LOT while in public. But i think he still thinks it is okay to be HIS "friendly" with his female co-workers. He does not understand what a slope he is STILL on by doing that.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589 |
SC,
This would certainly bother me as well. At the beginning of R, my H was very protective and fond of OW. Even recently, he admitted to "wondering how she is doing". Very disturbing to me.
Is your H remorseful? Does he feel guilty and ashamed? Is he normally a taker or does he try normally to protect your feelings? I think if I told H that I was having a trigger and he rolled his eyes at me, I would wonder if he really were considering my feelings (That would be right before I start chasing him with the rolling pin).
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305 |
Yes it is bothersome to me.
Last night was the first time "i" have actually thought about "her" in a long time certainly not the A but "her".
Yes my H is remorseful. Yes he feels guilt (not sure about shame he has never said has was ashamed of what he did he just always says he can't believe that he did it).
He is very much a taker and does NOT try to protect my feelings for the most part (except for details about the A).
The fact that he rolled his eyes is probably why i am still pi$$ed off about it. If my YDD had not been right there i might have hit him with something.
He has thought for a long time that i should "just be over it already".
Last edited by Still_Crazy; 04/10/09 10:10 AM. Reason: add last line
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249 |
I agree that the OW is unforgivable to us. But how can your husband really believe that he is forgivable if OW is not? She is no worse than any married man that sleeps with anyone other than his spouse. He can't view her as unforgivable because HE broke his marriage vows and committed adultery. HIS boundaries were weak. He was too selfish to put his integrity and his honor ahead of sexual pleasure and admiration. Those are HIS sins. He must forgive her in order to be able to forgive himself and accept your forgiveness.
Over it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249 |
Yes it is bothersome to me.
Last night was the first time "i" have actually thought about "her" in a long time certainly not the A but "her".
Yes my H is remorseful. Yes he feels guilt (not sure about shame he has never said has was ashamed of what he did he just always says he can't believe that he did it).
He is very much a taker and does NOT try to protect my feelings for the most part (except for details about the A).
The fact that he rolled his eyes is probably why i am still pi$$ed off about it. If my YDD had not been right there i might have hit him with something.
He has thought for a long time that i should "just be over it already". Mine doesn't understand why I'm not over it yet either and it has only been 2 months. I don't think he is capable of truly understanding the depth of anguish that his selfish actions have caused. I don't think he will ever understand unless he was betrayed - and I won't do that to him so he won't know while married to me. Maybe your husband is feeling compassion not fondness for OW?
Over it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305 |
I agree that the OW is unforgivable to us. But how can your husband really believe that he is forgivable if OW is not? She is no worse than any married man that sleeps with anyone other than his spouse. He can't view her as unforgivable because HE broke his marriage vows and committed adultery. HIS boundaries were weak. He was too selfish to put his integrity and his honor ahead of sexual pleasure and admiration. Those are HIS sins. He must forgive her in order to be able to forgive himself and accept your forgiveness. He doesn't think she is a BAD PERSON. So he has "forgiven" her or actually really did not feel the need to "forgive" her because it was not her fault. It was all his fault, she was just a damsel in distress.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305 |
Mine doesn't understand why I'm not over it yet either and it has only been 2 months. I don't think he is capable of truly understanding the depth of anguish that his selfish actions have caused. I don't think he will ever understand unless he was betrayed - and I won't do that to him so he won't know while married to me. Maybe your husband is feeling compassion not fondness for OW? I think most WSs probably wish the BS would "just get over it" that way they do not have to deal with the pain they have caused. And you are correct that no matter how remorseful or guilty or full of shame they are they do not TRULY understand the pain the have caused the WS. Maybe it is compassion not fondness, either way i wish he was at least a little bit negative when it comes to her.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Feb 2009
Posts: 1,249 |
I do understand. I am not saying that I don't agree. I just want some stinkin flowers because my "old" husband got them for me all the time. Doesn't mean I'm going to get any.
Over it.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305
Member
|
|
OP
Member
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 2,305 |
I saw your post on QG regarding flowers. My H has only gotten me floweres ONCE in the 25 years we have been together. Is there a special occasion or do you just want floweres because it means he is thinking about you 
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
186
guests, and
56
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,622
Posts2,323,477
Members71,918
| |
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
|
|
|
|
