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You have a lot going on. Are you enjoying yourself in the moment or worrying about "the next thing"? Probably a little bit of both. I enjoy going to his games and i am glad that he is going to the Prom this year (with a very nice girl) and i am happy and sad at the time about him graduating. But while i am doing one thing i remind myself not to forget about the others that need accomplished still. I miss normal too! My husband has said the same thing. Everything about the affair sucks! Things that used to be easy are now impossible. Well they SEEM impossible at times. I am sure there is a way to get where i would like to be, i just sometimes get tired of walking KWIM?
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You have a lot going on. Are you enjoying yourself in the moment or worrying about "the next thing"? Probably a little bit of both. I enjoy going to his games and i am glad that he is going to the Prom this year (with a very nice girl) and i am happy and sad at the time about him graduating. But while i am doing one thing i remind myself not to forget about the others that need accomplished still. I miss normal too! My husband has said the same thing. Everything about the affair sucks! Things that used to be easy are now impossible. Well they SEEM impossible at times. I am sure there is a way to get where i would like to be, i just sometimes get tired of walking KWIM? The things that require total trust are just not possible right now. Trust is now a dirty word. The affair would have never happened if I didn't trust so much. Now I can't really trust at all. I believe that my husband is remorseful and doesn't want to hurt me but... I just don't know if he is strong enough to maintain his integrity anymore. I am hoping.
Over it.
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That is exactly how i feel as well.
It is as if (because during the A he lied to me so easily) i do not believe ANYTHING he tells me even though for the years prior to the A i had never "caught" him in a lie so i am assuming that he had never lied to me prior to the A. It sucks!!!!
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I think my "funk" has been because i am feeling sorry for myself. I just hate this crap. Pepperband started a thread ovr on GQ titled "If you started your marrige recovery in 2007". Here is something i posted over there and i think it describes how i feel pretty well. I found your choice of the word "comfortable" almost amusing. It's that dark humor. Like, when you're in the hospital and a nurse comes in and wakes you from a dead sleep and asks, "can we make you more comfortable". And you scream, YA!, if you'd just go away and leave me alone. Or when they say they are going to make you more "comfortable" by sticking this needle in to you........moving on.
My 26 years of continuous sobriety in AA & NA have made it easier for me embrace recovery. The steps that I needed to work through, were nearly second nature. I'm thankful for that. I still remember thinking at 2 years of staying clean and sober that there must be an easier way to do this. I struggled so. The old timers at the meetings always shook there heads, sometimes made fun of me (lovingly, I think) and smiled. They reminded me it's not years, months, or weeks....... but, "One Day At A Time".
Living in the tomorrows and the yesterdays always slowed my recovery way down. But, I seemed to gravitate to that mental condition on a regular basis. Didn't require much effort to get there either.
I found my biggest obstacle in staying clean and sober was overcoming my inability to stay in the here and the now. I struggled to focus on what I needed to do, TODAY. I struggled with planning future events to come, because much to my dismay I would begin planning the outcomes of those same future events as well. I found myself often disappointed when my planned outcomes didn't meet with reality. I began to see that I was setting myself up on a regular bases for being let down because my expectations/fantasies were not realistic. I found myself with one foot in yesterday, then straddling one foot in tomorrow and as a result, pissing all over today.
I did have a realization at about 2 years of staying clean that I no longer seemed to have entire weeks that would go to [censored] like they would in the beginning of recovery. I had practiced staying in the here and the now long enough to only have "bad moments" within my days instead of bad days with a good moment mixed in . That was huge! Then when I stopped allowing these bad moments to rule my thoughts, they became lessened to some rough moments from time to time. It was the one day at a time process unfolding in my life, and it really worked. I had stopped thinking recovery would be a two year event, and accepted that it was a life long process.
For me, dealing with the infidelity has been a very similar experience.
To answer your question Pep, I would say that I am LESS uncomfortable in the "recovery process" than my DW, but just as uncomfortable in different ways.
At times I can see it in her eyes that she questions herself and her decision to be with me. I cannot wish that look away, though I do pray that a time will come that I no longer see that in her eyes. It cuts to the quick seeing the reflection in her eyes, of the man that she sees.
I get the best of both worlds in a way(said w/much sarcasm). A double edged sword, if you will.
I know I'm the cause of the gut wrenching pain my wife feels, and the images and the doubts that swirl around in her head. I know I'm the reason she has so many questions. And I know my answers will never bring true relief to the pain that lies underneath each one of those same questions.
I also get to feel the other edge of the sword, knowing that MY betrayal drove my DW into the arms of another man. I too have images in my mind of an OM & DW that torment me at times, while at the same time the torment of knowing full well that MY betrayal is the reason these images even exist to begin with.
Repentant waywards do NOT get off easy. In many ways, as a FWH, I find myself at a much greater disadvantage in the recovery process than my DW. She found herself able to extend graceful forgiveness to a man that was undeserving, and regretfully I still feel I may forever struggle to forgive that same man. tst i must admit that this post had me in tears for many reasons. My H and I have been "live for today" kind of people throughout our M and it is a good philosophy to have i think. So many e-mails that i see about spending time with your children instead of working or cleaning the house or whatever. I do not feel regret because we have done those things. I helped take care of my parents before they passed away instead of doing other "more important" things and i will always treasure every minute of it, they knew how i felt about them and i knew how they felt about me before their deaths. I knew their wishes as to what they wanted done with their bodies and their things. We had many good talks before they died. But...... (and i am sure you were guessing that) I also looked forward to a future with my H for as long as we both lived to be together just the 2 of us and grow old together with those vows we made in 1985 still intact and sadly that is not the case. I still grieve deeply for the loss of those vows and it has somehow changed my outlook on our future. It is like i can not look forward to as long as we both shall live any longer because of those broken vows. It is as if the A "broke" something inside me and i am not sure if it can ever be "fixed" again.
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The grief is huge. I have good days and then I have BAD days. I cherished my marriage and my husband. I really did. I was working too much but I called him and always ran straight home from work. I loved him so much. It makes me cry just thinking about what he was doing while I was thinking of him. I grieve everyday for the marriage that I thought I had. I grieve for all the dreams I had. I thought I was living the fairytale. I was so fooled. I am trying so hard to recover but it is so hard some days. My husband doesn't get it because I don't think he ever loved me like I loved him. I could have never hurt him the way that he hurt me. I never even looked at other men. I wanted only him.
Over it.
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The grief is huge. I have good days and then I have BAD days. I cherished my marriage and my husband. I really did. I was working too much but I called him and always ran straight home from work. I loved him so much. It makes me cry just thinking about what he was doing while I was thinking of him. I grieve everyday for the marriage that I thought I had. I grieve for all the dreams I had. I thought I was living the fairytale. I was so fooled. I am trying so hard to recover but it is so hard some days. My husband doesn't get it because I don't think he ever loved me like I loved him. I could have never hurt him the way that he hurt me. I never even looked at other men. I wanted only him. Totally agree!!! Heck i still feel that way about him even though he hurt me so deeply  !!!
Last edited by Still_Crazy; 04/16/09 07:37 AM.
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Over it.
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SSDD (same [censored] different day)!!!! Thanks for asking!!
How about you, i have not been keeping up on your thread.
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SSDD also but still hopeful.
Over it.
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Well good i am happy for you. Please do not let my negativenessness get you down.
I really believe it is MY issue, i do not know if "I" can get past the "betrayal" ever in my life, but many here do and they seem quite happy.
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You seem to have a lot of anger, period. Have you ever worked on this with a counselor?
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You seem to have a lot of anger, period. Have you ever worked on this with a counselor? I must admit that "i" have let my FWHs A turn me into who i am today, i used to look for the silver lining in everything, now everything seems to have a dark cloud instead. I have not seen a counselor for anything, this is as close to talking about my personal problems with a stranger that i am willing to get.
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Point taken. But what if it's that anger that is keeping you from achieving what you want?
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Point taken. But what if it's that anger that is keeping you from achieving what you want? I have no doubt in my mind that it is playing a significant role in MY not being able to recover. However i do not know how to get rid of it or change it, i wish i did as i really do not like the me i have become. I have three brothers, two of which ultimately divorced their wives due to infedility and they both became so cynical that i did not like to be around them much, "i" am that cynical person now.
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I have no doubt in my mind that it is playing a significant role in MY not being able to recover. That's not what I meant. It seems to me like you have such a wall built up to protect yourself that you are unwilling to show any vulnerability or guilt; therefore, there can be no progress in your relationship. I daresay your H feels it. And doesn't know what to do about it. That is why I suggest counseling. Your wall is YOUR issue, not his, and it could have come about as a result from any number of situations, not just infidelity. Has your H ever filled out the LB questionnaire? As in, what you do that he doesn't like?
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I have no doubt in my mind that it is playing a significant role in MY not being able to recover. That's not what I meant. It seems to me like you have such a wall built up to protect yourself that you are unwilling to show any vulnerability or guilt; therefore, there can be no progress in your relationship. I daresay your H feels it. And doesn't know what to do about it. That is why I suggest counseling. Your wall is YOUR issue, not his, and it could have come about as a result from any number of situations, not just infidelity. Has your H ever filled out the LB questionnaire? As in, what you do that he doesn't like? He has not, i did ask him too and when he read them he told me i do everything just right and that i am now and have always been a good wife, which i know is not the case. He never makes any complaints about anything i do which i also know is impossible, but i also can not make him tell me his feelings to know what to do one way or another. I have built up a wall and i do not have any trust in my H at all because in my eyes he has not showed "just compensation" for his actions by putting EPs in place and by his "get over it attitude" toward the whole A. It has been that way from the day he came home.
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That makes a lot of sense. He has never taken part in your healing. No remorse would make me feel very wary also.
Over it.
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He feels remorse, that is not it, i know that he is sorry and i know that he loves me and wants our M to work.
He does not want to have to "change his behavior" because he had and A and does not feel he should have to because "it was just a mistake" and "out of character for him".
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His old behavior enabled the affair. He is in denial about what he is capable of doing. What is he willing to do to be affair-proof his marriage. Your anxiety is completely understandable if he is not willing to accept the possibility of another devastating affair. An affair is not a "mistake". It is much bigger and more damaging. He didn't break a dish. He broke his wife.
Over it.
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Well we had another nice weekend together. We went camping and enjoyed the great outdoors something we both enjoy immensely.
I think my problem with all of this recovery stuff is that i have changed what i want in my marriage.
I know i have said this many times before but i am repeating it. For 20 years my H and i had a very good marriage (aside from his friendliness which i always felt may lead to where it lead).
When the ex nephew-in-law moved in things changed drastically because i did not want to be around the ENIL and my H spent all his time with the ENIL. During that time i did not meet hardly any of my H's needs although it was because of the ENIL that i did not meet his needs because that was my consequences for not making the ENIL leave our home for three and a half years (with me asking him to please tell him to move on a daily basis).
Also my H hardly met any of my needs, heck we basically lived in the same house but alone if that makes any sense. So i can understand how the OW got her hooks in to my H and how the A happened i really do.
However since the A and the ENIL moving out our marriage seems to have gone back to how it was for the first 20 years that i found great (other than the friendliness). It was only that 3-4 year period in our entire marriage that i have not treasured.
So why is it that the wonderful marriage i had for all those years does not seem good enough now? And it really was a great marriage before the ENIL moved in to our house. Am i just expecting too much from my H, have i made it impossible for him to ever receive my love again.
That scares me!!!
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