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I talked with my 19 year old daughter but our 11 year old only knows that her mom is friends with this guy and that they have gone out a little bit. She does not really know the extent of it. This is a hell of a lot harder than I thought it was going to be especially since I do not have a smoking gun.
I have not confronted the OM at all, should I call him up and tell him to stay away from my wife? Not that it will work but he should know that I am back in the game. Thoughts on that?
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As I get resistance here, I am beginning to second guess myself. Others are telling me she wasn't having an affair, the relationship never started until after we separated. I try and explain the situation but they disagree. Many that I have talked to so far know about the relationship but feel it didn't start until after we separated. I really don't know how to proceed. This could blow up back at me and I could lose more than just my W.
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Keep moving forward. Exposure does not work instantly every time. Your WW may have left you for good. Maybe not. Exposure and plan A are all the tools you can use to get her back. No guarantees, but it's your best shot.
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Plan A is not going so well. WW just doesn't seem to care who knows what she is doing. So far I have not even raised her emotions even a little. I think Plan A is going to have to be pretty short before I move to Plan B. My oldest DD is getting pretty frustrated and angry with her mother. If there is anyone in the world that can get through to WW, it just might be oldest DD. I have exposed to everyone close and still nothing, now I am moving onto everyone else on the list.
I had to go out of town for a couple days. I spent the last two days with WW and DD#1 and DD#2 at an weekend event for DD#2.
WW is deep in this fog. I am getting very frustrated with this as well but again I am trying to stick to the plan.
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A is fully exposed and not making a damn bit of difference. I saw WW and OM in parking lot kissing. A is now happening in broad daylight for the world to see. DD19 wrote her a letter to chose between relationship with OM or her kids. DD said she would move out and live with me full-time if WW did not break all ties with OM. WW got very mad with DD and basically called her on asking her to chose between a relationship and her kids. WW is so entrenched in this i don't think she will ever come out of it. I don't think I can move forward with Plan A, I feel the same today as I did on first DDay. I am so confused and just feel like giving up on the whole thing. It just hurts too much.
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I saw WW and OM in parking lot kissing. Keep your camera handy; email pictures of them to her family and his family every time you see them. Just keep reminding everyone what she's doing to the family. Remember, you don't CARE what others think or believe.But you have every right to CARE what she is doing to you. STAY MAD! I hope you told your DD19 how proud you are of her for knowing her morals. Who is helping you, supporting you? Anyway, don't be impatient. This hasn't gone on long enough for much to change. Go over your exposure again, if you don't mind. Who did you tell, how did you tell, what did you say?
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As far as exposure, I told her mother who then told WW's sister but they live 1800 miles away. WW has shut the two of them out of pretty much everthing the last several months. I told our best friends a couple that we are really close to. I told WW's best friend who knew WW side of the story and she now knows my side and what I believe to be the truth. I told DD19 and DD11 (a PG rated version of the truth). I also told other mutual friends. The one place I have not exposed to isWW's work mainly because most of the people their are either divorced, separated or having an affair themselves with someone so seemed kind of pointless to add one more to the list.
I told everyone basically the same thing. WW has a boyfriend and this relationship started 6-9 months before the two of us were officially separated and while we were actively trying to do MC and work on our M. I told them that my moving out was a huge mistake and that I want to do everything I can to save my M. I still love my WW and that I just want this A to end so we can begin to try and save our M. I asked for their help and support and also for any advice. Many of them asked me "why the hell do you want to save your marriage after she has done that to you". So I used what I learned from SAA about what I am calling the anatomy of an affair and how I take some of the responsibility in makig the affair possible by not meeting my WW EN's, doing LB's and allowed the two of us to disconnect. Our M was prime for an A and I accept my part in that. I pointed out that it was her decision to have the affair I just did not affair-proof my M which is my bad.
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So this freight train just keeps rolling. WW just called and was all upset because of DD19's letter and her ultimatum. She started accusing me of planting these ideas in DD19's mind and I calmly and very cooly told her that I did not plant anything. I told her the truth and she formed her own actions and reactions. In fact DD19 has known something was up for a long time and started putting two and two together. She had the letter planned much before my exposure to her. So she kept telling me that we have been separated and blah blah blah. I kept telling her that I did not want to talk about the A. Reminded her that it was her actions and her actions alone that have caused the rift between WW and DD19. The "ultimatum" was between the two of them. She said now she looks like the bad guy and I look like a saint. She continued to say that nothing was going on before we were separated and I refused to listen to her on that. She did mention that the thing that she wants the most in this world is a relationship with someone. She has a hard time seeing that with me. We talked about that a little bit. I reaffirmed to her that once this A stops then we can talk about what the future might look like for the two of us. I was very cordial and calm, no LBing, no DJ's, I even threw in meeting one of her EN's which is communication and me listening to her. It took every ounce of strength that I had left in me after this miserable day to do that but I pulled it off. Even now as I type this I get a "Thank you" text from her for talking to her even though I didn't want to.
I don't know what any of this means but at least the apple cart is beginnging to rock.
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You see exposure is starting to work. Pressure from your DD is helping. It has your WW fishing: "She did mention that the thing that she wants the most in this world is a relationship with someone. She has a hard time seeing that with me. We talked about that a little bit. I reaffirmed to her that once this A stops then we can talk about what the future might look like for the two of us. I was very cordial and calm, no LBing, no DJ's, I even threw in meeting one of her EN's which is communication and me listening to her. It took every ounce of strength that I had left in me after this miserable day to do that but I pulled it off. Even now as I type this I get a "Thank you" text from her for talking to her even though I didn't want to."
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Yay! Good work!
She said now she looks like the bad guy and I look like a saint.
Your answer next time she says it:
Yep. That's what happens when you cheat.
Does she work with OM?
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No they do not work together anymore but that is how this whole relationship thing started between the two of them.
It is so ironic now to watch and listen to her after reading SAA. She is text book with her comments. I just wish I would have known this long ago and taken the action then when I had more of a chance with her.
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I do not have any contacts on his side of the family to expose the A to. He is D twice and has at least three kids by 3 different woman. He is a real piece of work. I know this won't do anything but would confronting him help rock the apple cart even more. I would like him to know that if he intends to continue this A that he is in for the fight of his life.
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She walked or I guess better put was we decided to separate because of not meeting each other's EN's. I wasn't meeting her's and she wasn't meeting mine. She started the EA due to the typical not getting her EN's met. I fully understand and own my role in that part of it. The EA has moved to a PA since we have been separated. We both separated because we just weren't happy together and even now I have my doubt's that we can be happy but I feel I want to continue trying. THe hard part is convincing her that we need to keep trying and also breaking up the EA/PA. Since we are separated she does not see it as an A but rather her moving on with her life and seeing other people. I am scared right now as to how she feels about me deep down. Does she still love me at all or enough to come around during Plan A? I think Plan A is my only shot because if it comes to Plan B then that will never work with her, she is not your typical person and I know her well enough to know that Plan B will only push her farther away and she will never come back.
She does have some problems. She does not feel that she is marriage material. She is pretty selfish, doesn't always care what others think/want, she does what she want's, very stubborn, very closed, not very affectionate. As i type this, it reminds me of why I was not happy because of all the things that I just listed. Which brings me back to why I cam back to this site, is this M worth saving? just because I still love her, can we be happy? Can I get back involved in a M where my W cannot, does not, will not meet my EN's? Why am I trying to make this work, when she does not want to make this work.
I have always been very thoughtful and creative when it comes to doing things for her. Problem is that due to her personality, she is not very receptive or appreciative of these gestures. When we were together, I never got a Valentine's day card or gift, never got a Anniversary card or gift, birthday was a gift and no card. She would never do anything nice, spontaneous, creative or special for me. I was always the giver in the relationship and she was the taker.
I did do my fair share of LBing and not meeting her EN's over the years but it was due to frustration with her not returning the favor. We talked alot about that during counseling sessions and I think she felt made the decision that she was not marriage material.
The A was not te cause of the M breakup but it over the last year or more it has defenitely played a huge role in preventing any sort of reconcilliation. Again, I take responsibility for that as much as her for not man-ing up and putting an end to it.
Typing this has really got me thinking about whether or not this M is worth saving. Is me loving her enough of a reason?
Hmmmm!!!!!! WhatNext4me - I don't have anything to offer a this point, but I wanted to let you know that I'll be following this thread very closely. I am in the almost exact same situation, except my wife and I haven't been separated as long, and she blind-sided me with her desire to end the marriage.
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Hi Joe,
I am sorry to hear that but welcome to MB. There are some very supportive people here. I would have given up long ago but these people have provided me the guidance, insight, kick in the butt and wake up call that I needed.
I am not yet sure how things are going to turn out for me just keep in mind this is a marathon process and NOT a sprint. I have to keep reminding myself of that.
If you have not done so then start your own thread, tell your story, roll up your sleeves, put the seatbelt on cause it is gonna get rocky and rough. Listen, learn and follow the advice these people give, don't think, just do.
I hesitated and it cost me dearly but hopefully I can recover.
WN4M
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Help me understand why it is possible NOT to go home?
But I, being poor, have only my dreams; I have spread my dreams under your feet; Tread softly because you tread on my dreams -Yeats
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Help me understand why it is possible NOT to go home? Fear of confrontation
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I wouldn't call it fear of confrontation.
Things are just a little complicated. WW has a female coworker living there until the end of May. Another female friend of hers is staying there as she recovers from surgery. DD19 does not want to stay there with her mother right now so for her sake, I am not moving back to keep DD19 and WW away from each other at DD19's request.
WW and I talked last night. She basically told me that the 18 years we were together was a joke and very unhappy for her. She felt trapped, unappreciated, neglected, etc. She has no fond or happy memories of our time together and see's more of the same for the two of us if we tried to continue.
She is in deeper than I thought with this A. I still have access to her cell phone records and basically after every conversation that her and I have, there is 2-3 hour phone call between WW and OM.
She is going to try and negotiate with DD19 to convince her to allow her to continue her relationship with OM and stay close to DD19. Basically she wants her cake and to eat it too. Her sister emailed me a long letter yesterday and basically said that she can't and won't do anything to her sister because she has pretty much given up and washed her hands of WW. She lives 1800 miles away too and so they have drifted apart.
OM is the only bright spot in WW's life right now as far as she see's it.
I tried to talk to her about what life between her and I could look like (yeh I know no relationship talk until A is over) but I just to tell her so she might see that things can be good between us once this A ends, and the recovery begins. She didn't hear a word I said.
I am getting so friggin frustrated and beaten down by this. I can't take Plan A much longer.
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Actually, Plan B might not be a bad idea for you. With both you and D19 out of her life so she's not getting any fixes, her affair is more likely to collapse that much faster.
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But have I done enough from a carrot perspective to leave her with good thoughts of what life might look like with me? I know she is very angry with me for exposing, and she puts it turning on her. The being nice to her and leaving the possibility of reconciliation open and then telling anyone and everyone that she is having an affair is really confusing her and she is questioning my motives. If I told her I wanted no contact right now she would welcome that I am sure. But I will go with the advice of the forum. I am in no position to try and think and decide what is best.
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Plan B is for when you say you can no longer Plan A. When you feel that if you have to keep seeing her, you will stop loving her. Are you there yet?
Plan B is NOT for getting your marriage back. It's not a step or a trick. It's just to keep from hating her.
So can you stick with it longer, or not? Are you willing to give up the marriage if you have to, or do you want to keep fighting to get the old W back? If so, you'll just have to slog through her crap and keep Plan Aing her.
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