Elenor:
I think the objective is going to be finding out exactly what you're up against, and that's going to mean finding out exactly what he's doing online. If there's any way for you to do that secretly, all the better. The idea is to try to keep your findings to yourself until you really understand what's going on here.

If you're dealing with an addiction, MB may not work. The addiction itself needs to be dealt with first because it's like a sickness, really. Feeding the addiction will be more important to him than working on the marriage. And if an addiction is what you find, I think one of your boundaries for staying in the same house is that he gets counseling for it, and/or has some sort of test done to see if he is depressed, has OCD, or what have you. Lots of mental health issues are treatable with medication or cognitive therapy, so it's a shame to go through life in a state of dysfunction and allow it to ruin an otherwise good relationship.

This is a caring thing you're doing. The issue is that a lot of people feel there's a stigma with getting help for mental issues, and that's a shame. I think that's why you may need to have a boundary in your mind. Something like "Look, I love you, and I think you're depressed. I need for you to go and talk to a good counselor because your habits and your lifestyle are eating away at my feelings for you, and that scares me. I want to stay married, and if you want to stay married too, we're going to have to tackle this and get it out of the way so that we can move forward."

Something tells me the job loss was the catalyst for all of this and that he didn't set out to take advantage. It has just evolved into this intolerable lifestyle, and it could be that he has found himself now in a mental rut. He's staying at home where he's safe from rejection, getting fired, or failing at anything.

Naturally, you should be cordial and treat him like you'd like to be treated, but I would not wear yourself out emotionally trying to plan A or B until you know what you're dealing with.

Being proactive will help your attitude some, and being good to yourself will help a bit too while you're trying to figure all this out.

Another alternative to the keylogger is a nanny cam that could be hidden from his view but aimed at the computer screen? Perhaps a voice-activated recorder would reveal some things too.

I agree about doing whatever I can without alerting him is a good idea. The main reason that I’ve not pushed for the password and keystroke logger is that he’s a computer whiz. He knows how to circumvent just about anything. So alerting him only means that if something is going on he will just clean up his act.



I like the idea of one boundary being that he has to seek help. IMHO, he needs medical and mental health help. He has no stigma against getting such help. Instead he just cannot get his act in motion to do it. I tried to get him to make the call and the appointment in the past. I think I’ll set up the first appointment and got with him. Even if I do not go in and see the doc with him, at least I can make sure he gets here.

Seems that you see my situation (and that of my DH) in much the same way I do. I really do appreciate what you posted here. I’m off work tomorrow so I can finish up on my taxes. I’ll have time to deal with some of this too… like talk to him and make a doctor appointment.

Some good ideas...

Bump for Gabby.

I believe that this is your old thread.

I can see that one poster on this thread, Bubbles, was very blunt with you. She told you that your H was lazy and did not bother working because he knew you would support him indefinitely. Her words were blunt, but I can only say that hers seems like a reasonable conclusion based on what you posted.

You seemed to find her and all the other posters helpful. I am surprised that you are coming back now and saying that they "attacked" you and drove you away. I think that they were telling you things that you needed to hear, but did not want to hear.