still standing, I'm so all over the place... I'll make this one quick. The thing about bf - is he's lovable he has a high amount of admiration from everyone, everywhere he goes, the cousin is not going to tell because they are soooooo close now, he talks to and sees her just about everyday. When, she told me stuff before they wern't speaking and I guess I was her only connection to him.

Something hit me. I should leave.

EXACTLY!

HG,

""Something hit me. I should leave.""

Afraid so.

Who's house is it? Are you renting and if so who signed the lease? Maybe HE should leave.

Or maybe you should go far away from there, and the cousin's hang out place, and the whole town. Back to where your family is?

I see that backbone starting to stiffen.
You do not deserve this.
You should be indignant and very angry that YOU are treated this way.

Good luck to you and STAY STRONG!! You are on the high road here.

kirk

I hear that Charles Manson was very charismatic also. You wouldn't want to marry him either. Lots of cheaters are popular and fun to be around. Just don't marry one or let him help raise your children.

He said he can't be trusted and he didn't but he wanted to and what he meant was he was going to do it. Tonight is the night they go physical he's been calling her like crazy all day up until about 2 hours ago.....they're together. I don't need to confirm anything else, the more I preyed verbally with him and through his phone records the more it sunk in.

He left me. But he didn't leave me. I told him that this was some bs and I was not going for it and he needed to make a decision, he just told me that he was going out. He left with the cousin where they meet. So, it was really like a slap in the face to me. I am sad but I know what I have to do.

We always stayed together before because I never made him leave. He's counting on me to go another day. He feeds off of me, and I let him do it. Well this is it! I still want to be with him but I know in my heart that I can't. I cannot do this anymore. Sacraficing myself for him. He showed and proved, he is the same person that I thought he wasn't. Not a changed a man.

I am so sorry. Doing the right thing still hurts. You must stay strong. You must remember that you deserve better. You need to not give in to him when he comes home. He has had all the chances that anybody needs. Hopefully, this will lead to to a place of peace. You are taking the first step toward a life that has real love and peace in it. He is not the man that you need to raise your children with and marry forever. He must make room for your real husband. You have been very abused by him. It really must stop.

He feeds on you, all right. Like a vampire.

And he's done it long enough that he now feels entitled to do it.

Allow your justifiable outrage to motivate you out of this relationship. Get some counseling to help you through it.

Make this the last time he grinds your heart under his heel.

I know I seemed to be on the right path, but I have been dying inside. He's only been home once since he left on Friday. He's made it clear that we are not going to be together.

**************HE'S COMING HOME...KIND OF************************

My love for him, has caused me to really analyse everything. I remember him telling me back on V-day, that he was not happy and that I was not happy and that he needed some time, and that hopefully he could find himself and he would come back to me better. I didn't want him to leave. Since than I've had 3-4 angry outburst situations. They're pretty bad. So yes, I've been abused by him, but he has also been abused by me. Literally. We did not do a good job fulfilling each others ENs. I noticed that in all the letters and cards he's written me over the last 3 years he signed his first and last name - and wrote my name with his last name, and said sweet stuff. V-day card just said love and a nick name. He is wrong for blaming everything on me. But the signs where there we didn't do what we needed to do to stay in love. If he didn't deserve to be loved and he didn't love me the way I wanted than I should have left - not treated him badly and causing him to fall out of love with me.

With the economy the way it is, he is coming back as a "room mate" to help with the expenses of the house. I have set the boundaries that he sleeps in the guest room and he lives his life I live mine. I know this will be tough, but with all the time he is spending with her, the only way that I can ever compete with fulfilling his ENs and cause problems in their relationship is to have him come there this way. His #1 EN is SF, BUT, since he felt guilty last time and since I'm sure he thinks that I think I can SF him back into the home. I'm just going to go with other things.

1. not calling
2. not being available whenever he wants
3. Minding my business
4. Keeping house super clean
5. Praying
6. Working out
7. Focus on the kids totally and not seeking him out.
8. Keeping myself up
9. Keeping my spirit up
10. and fixing his food
11. and trying to lightly ring those bells that remind him why he was there in the first place and more importantly why he should really come back (I'm going to do the things I never did 100% well before - like keeping cleaned up after the boys). and just being nice.
________________________________________________________________
I'm not going to set time frame. I'm going to depend on prayer and the channeling of my energy to fat burning to remind me of me. And if he doesn't remember me I will. And we would have both giving it a try. I feel like even though he's not saying it - this is his way.
_______________________________________________________________
I kind of blame myself - everybody here said that I need to get help with me. Well, I've thought about that and because I have a history with anger and being verbally abusive to men. I feel that I am largely to blame and that this is my one chance to not lose something that means something to me because of my selfish anger. Thanks for reading. Your honest replies are appreciated.

Fix your anger.

Get someone else to help share the expenses. One advert gets me loooots of customers for our rental quarters.

Honestly, I don't care about expenses. I'm happy that he's decided without my pressuring to do it. Technically, he never moved out. Even on that Thursday before he left I explained that I was getting audited (health care benefits), I showed him the paper and said I needed to know if he planned on leaving - He insisted that he wasn't.

Maybe if I had planned A instead of crying, nagging and revealing what I had found, he would not have gone. BUT - he had an extra set of clothes somewhere, so this was pretty much premediatated. He is staying w/ his cousin and the girl is there quite often but it's also catering to one of his other big ENs (people) he loves to be around people, just hanging out. I am a square compared to his family. My life is quiet and boring to him. So, to add to my list of things to do. I have to figure out a way to get him to take me out with him, otherwise I will never be there during his happiest times (when he is with family)

hisgirl,

I am going to say this as gently and kindly as I possibly can....with a little tough love, too. Why in the world do YOU want this man? Have you no respect, dignity, self esteem to want to continue a relationship with him? You are not married to him and have the ability to walk, no run, away from this louse with no character. The following is called the Six Pillars of Character:

TRUST—to be reliable, honest, reputable, courageous, loyal in word and deed

RESPECT—to be tolerant, considerate, peaceful, accepting

RESPONSIBILITY—to have perseverance, restraint, discipline, accountability, consideration

FAIRNESS—to be open-minded, receptive, equitable

CARING—to be kind, compassionate, considerate, forgiving, helpful

Can your honestly say your BF has these qualities. I would suggest he is missing several.

The following are very wise words someone shared with me, recently....

Right now, he knows he can get away with anything he wants and you still want him back...that you are willing to take what few crumbs he is throwing you. He knows that you are not a happy woman, that you have low self-esteem, and poor relationship habits, and that's because you persisted in being with him and he knows that he is no good for you, or anyone for that matter. As you became increasingly distressed by his behaviour and the cheating, you no doubt cemented whatever he thought.

Do not under any circumstances humiliate yourself by Plan A-ing him or allowing him to move back in because humiliation is what you'd be putting yourself through.


When a man tells you that the relationship is over - either through his words or, in your case, is actions, that he wants out, that he is disconnected and effectively says that he no longer wants to try any longer, no matter what temptation you feel, do not start chasing the guy because what he has done is told you that he is not interested and doesn't want you, which means you need to lose interest in him and recognise that if he doesn't want to be in it any longer, he is not worthy of you.

It takes a while for your self-esteem to catch up but the reality of this alone, is what should kickstart you to start grieving so that you can move on. You will not grieve if you spend your time obsessing and calculating how to get him back.

Stop focusing on him - start picking up the pieces of your life and treating yourself better. Stop obsessing about why he doesn't want you - you want more than he is ever going to be able to give.

Don't be his friend - you're not friends. Don't be his roommate.

Start to value you, value your life, instead of throwing it into the abyss of this man.

I highly encourage you to check out this site - I think you will find it very valuable: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk

Love the website, can't wait to check it out in detail later.

Xbf is missing trust and responsibility

It is highly likely that he will never give me what I want, because he does somewhat lack the character to do that. But he really, really tried and really put a good foot forward to do the right thing. Yes, his lack of character makes me angry sometimes, but I don't think it is his fault that I had violent angry outburst.

I've gone 10 days with virtually no positive advise. Because no one see's this as a positive situation. Even my BestFriend was so hot about this situation, but when I explained the truth in more detail, BestFriend said that I can not blame him for falling for ow. Even what he has done is wrong. What I've done was not right.

I so badly want to beat this dead horse. He is showing that he is not into me. I'll leave it there.

Thanks for your reply. I am just one of those people who disects everything, and I'm always looking for that silver lining.

It just does not seem fair that if we where H and W, the advise here would be so different. Why can't he be in the fog? That is what I just don't understand.

Hisgirl,

On an earlier thread you indicated he has two kids and you have two kids that make up the family. So are his kids staying at the COUSIN'S house?

I BET NOT! They are staying with you, correct?

So while he is out gallivanting around with OW and all the other PEOPLE (the song People, people who need people, are the luckiest....) you are watching his children.

HE'S GOT YOU JUST WHERE HE WANTS YOU!!

YOU ARE THE NANNY!!!

And the landlady, and housekeeper, and oh yeah AND COOK!! And laundress...are you going to go straighten up his room and make his bed everyday too?

And make sure he always has shampoo, and soap, and toothpaste and condoms.

HE IS PLAYING YOU LIKE HIS FAVORITE FIDDLE.

The only thing you will be getting out of this is HEARTBREAK, ANXIETY, AND A GREAT SADNESS every time you see him walking out the door to go to her or his cousin's or both.

You need to snap out of this.

IMHO

kirk

Kirk.... I thought you where on my side. You said I could plan A! Of course that was b4 many developments.

His kids do not live with us, they only come over every other weekend.

I am trying to do this with the main focus being on me. I am trying to do this without expectation of any return on his part. I've battled and I've battled and I'm telling you, I can not sleep at night. I think about it while I'm trying to go to sleep, I wake up several times thinking about it. The only thing I can do is write. I am an avid movie watcher - I love to watch movies, can watch 4 in a day sometimes. I haven't watched one since this stuff has been going on. I am lost without him - I am trying to find myself, but if it hurts this bad it just feels like I shouldn't give up. Even though I know I should - I swear I don't think it can hurt any worse.

Hisgirl,

It just does not seem fair that if we where H and W, the advise here would be so different. Why can't he be in the fog? That is what I just don't understand.

After 6 years of infidelity, most folks here in the halls of MB would tell you what we tell all spouses of serial cheaters. It is never going to change.

What I tell a BS of a cake eating, fence sitting manipulator is you have to do something serious to shake the person off the fence.

Darlin' the advise would not, AND IS NOT, SOOO different.

And yes I guess he is in the fog...... AGAIN.

kirk

He's been faithful for over 3 years, does that not count IYHO? I'm not trying to be a pain.

Hisgirl,

Actually this is a very telling sentence.

""I thought you where on my side. You said I could plan A!""

WE ARE ALL ON YOUR SIDE! WE WANT THE BEST FOR YOU.

You want things to be the way they were and you are throwing all the excuses and reasons why, YOU think, we will agree with you to bring him back into your house while he is shtooping the OW and looking for more amongst the PEOPLE at his cousins.

I don't think anyone here will tell you this is a good idea.

Also, about plan A ing.., what I said was;

""OK, you can plan A which is good but the full plan A is the carrot and THE STICK! The stick meaning you do all in your power to break up the A. Talk to his cousin. Show up at his cousin's. Talk to the hang outers at his cousins.""

I was concentrating on the stick here, trying to break up the A, but when everyone seems to know and no one really cares, exposing becomes ineffective.

Plus, it seems like your attitude is too let it run it's course and then you will be right there mending his socks and fixing dinner, when he is tired of the OW.

Is that your attitude?? That backbone seems to be wilting away.

Again, YOU DESERVE SO MUCH MORE.

kirk

"I'm not trying to be a pain."

You are trying to get us to agree with your housekeeper/nanny/chief cook and bottle washer scenario.

since by him I'm considered smoothering. And since everyone at cousins knows her and him and not me, I feel embarrased and out numbered. These people are not trustworthy and may not care. So I thought I would do it my way. I thought with him being out of the house the only way to plan A is to bring him back to the house. My mother is furious about my idea...and she doesn't even know the details.

I can not argue with you. Because 100 people couldn't be telling me the SAME WRONG THING, but only two truly know my heart... do you believe that one should follow their heart. I've always believed that...perhaps that is my problem.

Going into my own head. Thanks Kirk.

hisgirl,

I used to believe in following my heart and now, at the ripe old age of 48, I have learned the very hard lesson that following my heart has kept me from my true heart's desire - a man who will love me and cherish me above anyone and everyone else, a man who will treat me with respect, a man who has both feet in our relationship - not one foot in and one foot out the door, a man who gives as much as he takes, a man with Character.

I found the website I sent you to because I just recently ended a "relationship" with an emotionally unavailable man who stepped out on me, as well. The articles on the website will help you much better than this site will. The reason I tell you this is because you are not yet married - you have the ability to cut ties to this man much easier than those who are married and whose financial lives are enmeshed, who have children together, etc. Why pursue a lifelong relationship with this man when he has already proven he is incapable of being faithful? Are you not worth more than that? Go to the site I gave you, read everything there, including the comments to the articles. It will help you cope with the loss you are experiencing. There is no way NOT to feel the pain you are feeling - endings are always painful, but that site will help you...instead of chasing Plan A with someone who is a proven serial cheater (if this were the first time, maybe...but this is NOT his first time).