This past week… Wednesday was hard. I was a wreck. H entered my office. I was upset and got up to hug him. I cried in his arms. After a minute he asked me what had “triggered all of this?” I told him. He held me a little longer. I told him I am so sorry for what I did. It still kills me. I’m sorry for what I’ve done to him and to us. His only comment was an honest (but hurtful) one. He let go of me and said “This is what happens when you f**k someone you work with,” as he walked out and shut the door. He was right, but I was hoping for a little more comfort as I was pretty broken.

He didn’t seek me out the rest of the day, though we chatted about picking up the kids and how busy we were. I didn’t want to burden him. I had told him already what was wrong and mentioned on my own a few more times that I wasn’t doing well. Later in the afternoon I sat in the dark in our guest room trying to gather my thoughts, feeling like I might have an axiety attack. I called one of my best friends who lives on the other coast who went to school with H and me so she knows us both. H came into the room to ask what I was going to do about dinner for the family. I thought he might see I was struggling and talking to my GF and would perhaps offer to help with the domestic chores for the evening. My kids seemed more worried than H. I finally asked H if he could handle the kids for a bit. He did. My friend, in the meantime, helped talk me down from the ledge.

I realized that I can be as upset as I want to be, or I can understand that there is nothing I can do to change what happened. Not a darn thing. I can 'what-if?' until the cows come home but I cannot change what I did nor how H feels about me. My actions were horrific and for some, those actions have defined me. But I can’t let them define me. And there are some who believe I am more than a FWW and I can gather strength from those people.

I feel that I have been bending and working for this relationship for a long, long time, counting a few years pre-A. I feel that I’m the one who has been putting in the effort to hold us together pre-A and post D-day. With the exception of a few months last year, I feel like I’ve been in varying forms of Plan A for almost 4 years.

Since my confession, I am back to bending over for my H, letting his moods, his actions, his IBs, and DJs dictate my every mood. Trying to read and interpret what he may do before I move.

I told H last Thursday that I won’t do that anymore. I can’t let his lack of communicating to me what he wants determine what I do. I may guess wrong and for that I’m sorry as I want to be right. I want to do best by H. H said that’s what I should do – do what I want. I told him that I want to do what WE want. But yes, I’ve been living solely for him these last 6 months and I have to start considering myself now since I feel no one else will do it for me. This includes how/if I get IC, what I choose to read on MB (I am being much more selective), emails that I respond to, events that I attend (safe ones, of course), work that I find…

We had quite a weekend which I’ll share later. But I wanted to share with you now last week’s revelation.

I am on my own when it comes to healing from what I did. I feel I am alone in my journey to be a better wife, a better mother, a better L4. It’s up to me. And I must do whatever it takes despite the judgments that may come my way from my H and from others. I very much want my H to be a part of this as he’s a part of me, but he has shown little interest.

I can’t languish in the what-ifs any more.

I'll have to take your word for it L4. I know my delivery may rub some the wrong way, but it's not done out of malice.

Just caught up in your thread. Agree with what the others have said. Did H go to Easter service?

That just makes me sad to read this. When I read your thread, I see you wanting so badly to help your H. I don't think there's any magic number to say when enough is enough. Recovery is hard period. If your H is the strong, silent type reaching him might be very difficult no matter how much time passes. But he is still there L4. H's wounds are deep and he's likely scared to let you in. Don't give up on him. While you can't make him feel or act a certain way, you can let him know you are there for him if he needs you. It's frustrating but sometimes that is all you can do.

{{{L4}}}

Yes. And it was a great service. We came home and I started Easter dinner. H made himself lunch (offering nothing for kids nor me) then as he was heading down to the TV room asked if I needed help. I really didn't and actually enjoy the quiet focus of making holiday dinners so answered no. I knew he wanted to watch The Masters anyway.

H did tell DS8 that he would help DS8 with a computer program that DS8 really wanted after H was done with lunch. DS8 kept bugging me to help but I couldn't because of dinner. H blew off DS8. After an hour, DS8 asked H again. H said he'd help after the golf. Finally I helped DS8.

Dinner was really good. One of my best. H complimented me on it a lot and I appreciated his appreciation.

Afterward we both helped with clearing and dishes, until The Masters went to a play-off. H went back to the TV. I was okay with continuing on my own as I was on a roll. H came back for the last few dishes.

After that, he was doing his thing and I was doing mine. I hung with the kids while H worked. I practiced piano with DS8 while H worked. H took DS8 to the store, then H back on his computer. I watched TV with the kids and put them both to bed. H is working an awful lot and I know he needs to. I guess I wish that he'd either play with the kids or work instead of watching TV so that he and I could have time together.

H spends time doing his own thing, not really telling me what's on his mind. This was a big wedge between us before my PA. And it's creeping back.

(Long enough answer to your simple question, B-R? )

LOL L4

Did you notice any sort of reaction from H during/after service? Will he continue going to church or was Easter a one time thing for him? I know you might be discouraged but it can be a good sign that H even went to church considering not too long ago he was put off by the idea.

Actually, H was quite quiet toward me all morning and kept space between us during church. I believe this is because we were both still smarting from the night before which I'll share in a bit. I ended up reaching out for his hand a couple of times during the service and he didn't push it away, though both times he was the first to release from the hold. He seemed distant toward me but involved in the service.

He's been a few times in the last couple of months and is back to participating in the church committees he was on that meet once a month. I see this as good for his own recovery if nothing more.

I wish that I had the recovery and education behind me to issue words of guidance, but I don't. I have an offering of my friendship to you and my prayers that things will get better through Christ's plan for you.

Know that you're always on my mind even though I'm not in touch.

(((L4)))

Okay, all you smart people... Please break this long one down for me...

Saturday night, for the first time since I committed to fighting for this M back in October, I felt that I don’t want to do this anymore.

I didn’t feel that way so much Sunday and Plan A was back in effect all day yesterday. But Saturday night as I went to bed, I told myself that I can be okay without H.

Saturday, H went for motorcycle ride. He said he’d be back in time to get DS7 to a park at 2:00. H arrived home at 2:45. H riding a motorcycle worries the heck out of me and he KNOWS this. When he arrived home, I asked how the ride was and let him know I was worried that he was hurt. Because H was an hour late, DS7 didn’t get to play with his friends and I didn’t get to do some things I had told him I had planned. I explained that when H changes his plans, it affects others and he should have called, especially KNOWING how I worry about his bike riding. He tried to make light of it. He didn’t apologize and didn’t seem concerned that I was upset by his IB.

Friday H and I talked about going to an upcoming rock concert. I told him not to ruin his birthday present as I had plans surrounding the show. H expressed that he hopes those plans do not include going with my sister – who he knows is also a big fan of the band. I said she would not be coming with us.

Driving to buy the tickets Saturday morning, I thought how last time tickets went on sale for this band, they sold out in minutes and I didn’t get any. Getting tix online can be impossible. So I called Sis and asked if we could tag team – I’ll stand in line, she’ll try online. I did not want to involved H as this was all for his b-day. Sis and I agreed we’d keep in touch via phone and if we both get tickets great. But if the other can’t get through in time, we’d get tickets for each other too. Miscommunication occurred and we both ended up buying 4 tickets. I have my 4 which are in the nose-bleed seats while she has 4 great seats. She said H and I are welcome to have the other two with her, otherwise she’ll sell them.

I was telling H the story about how I contacted Sis to work the ticket process together in order to ensure we’d get tix… And that was all it took.

H immediately got pi**ed saying that he thought he was clear that he didn’t want to go with Sis. I said he was and we're not. I started the story so he’d have background but we WEREN’T going with Sis. We would be sitting NEXT TO her only if HE chose to do so.

I couldn’t get to the facts. H kept interrupting me with DJs. I took the advice given here before and counted to 30 during H’s pauses. It got to where I stopped talking all together. H would ask a question such as, “So I suppose we’re going to dinner with Sis before the show?” to which I answered, “No.” H responded, “Ya, right.” I wasn’t able to talk and H didn’t accept my answers anyway. So why was I there?

But I understood why H was mad. He misunderstood why I was telling him what happened, but I understood why he was angry. So I was trying to apologize. I told H that he was right. I said, “I’m sorry…” and he jumped in again and again.

I lost it. I finally lost it. I LBed big time. I screamed toward him – and I mean SCREAMED – “I’m trying to f-in apologize! Would you please let me f-in apologize?!” I got up and stormed out of the house – something I have never done before. In that moment, I was done with us. So many flashbacks of so many worthless conversations and fights from before... But I returned 30 minutes later.

We talked after kids were in bed. I started the conversation quietly and sincerely with, “I’m sorry. What I should have done was called you first when I came up with my plan to see if you were okay with me enlisting Sis’ help. If you weren’t and I didn’t get them, we could have scalped them. There were other options and I should have called you. I understand why you thought I was undermining you.”

H said it was a half-a**ed apology and that he doesn’t believe anything I say. I am the best liar he has ever known and I will say anything to get out of hurting him. He said in a very angry tone that he will never plan to go to an event with me. I tried to explain that we are not going to the show with Sis and that I have hotel reservations for us. H would not listen and said that I should take the tix with Sis and he will go to the show with someone else. He doesn’t want to go with me.

I was in disbelief as to how we had gotten to that point.

Finally, he said, “Why don’t you just leave here? Go somewhere else? If you’re on your own you can do anything you want. You can be with Sis, you can be on your computer, you can go on MB whenever you want, you can go to concerts, you can get a job or not if you want, you can have as much sex as you want with whomever you want, you can be with your family whenever you want…” I said that that’s not what I want and I thought I had been showing him what I want. That he and our family are what I want. H said, “If you leave you can do anything and not have to worry about me getting mad. I don’t have to be the bad guy anymore.”

He repeated his list of all the things I can do without him including having sex with strangers. I was crying and H looked at me smugly – as if my tears were satisfying him. I said, “I can’t listen to this anymore. You know what I want. And tonight I only wanted to know if you wanted good seats or bad. Again I am very sorry for my decision to call Sis for help. I’m going to bed.” As I was leaving H yelled sarcastically, “What’s wrong? I wasn’t calling you any names. What’s the problem?…”

I put 2 of our concert tickets on his desk for him to use. I put the other 2 for sale on Craig’s List. I told Sis to use or sell her extras – I didn’t tell her about our fight. I’ve cancelled the hotel reservation. I’m not going to the show which is the end of August unless H asks me to be his guest. I won’t bring it up again.

Loving you, Sparkster.

I'm making dinner right now, but I'll be back.

As for the motorcycle ride...my guess is in his mind he thought you didn't care about him during your A so why are you worried about him now. In fact, you might be happy or relieved if he was dead. Not saying you think that L4 but those type of thoughts run through a BS's mind.


L4, your intentions may have been good but honestly I'd be POed with you too. You weren't going with your sis but you are going to be sitting next to her? Come on...at that point what's the difference? H specifically told you he doesn't want to be around SIL at the concert and you're response sounds like you are trying to explain that "technically" you aren't going with her. H probably feels like you ignore what he says so why bother because you are going to find a way to do what you want. His AO of do what you want then ensues. You may have had good intentions but with all the trust issues he has surrounding the infidelity, in his mind it's another example of you not giving a hoot what he says and he's tired of hearing "I'm sorry" after the fact. My H has done similar things since Dday. At some point I got sick of hearing "I'm sorry." He wouldn't have to say Sorry if he just listened. I would get irritated, H would get mad that I was irritated and then turn it into he was only trying to be helpful, practical, etc. and then it would lead into how he can't do anything right, yada, yada...


H is frustrated and is still dealing with the rollercoaster of emotions. I don't know what the answer is to help your H. If he was open to seeking help instead of trying to deal with his hurt and anger all alone that may help him move forward but he has to decide for himself to reach out.

Signing off for the night. I'm sure the calvary will be along soon. Good night.

L4:

Your a walking disaster.

You mention the concert to your H:


And you SAID:


But you DID:


And everything afterthat is your husbands fault.

No.

It was yours.

"Don't involve your sister"

You immediately invovlve your sister.

"We won't be going with sister"

Sis bought tickets.


Can't you SEE THIS?

You wanted to have a night out with your husband for his birthday, including dinner, the concert and a hotel room.

And you were 95% of the way there. And you called you sister to get help with the tickets.

OUCH.

L4, I really feeling for you here. But dialing that phone to your sisters house lead to EVERYTHING that happened afterward.

Had you just set up the plan, where would you be now?

Sis could have had her own tickets and her own plans.

And the motorcycle ride? Stop worrying about him killing himself. You can't control it, you can't make him stop and your worry is your own problem. Flamingo worrys MORE than you ever could. Seriously. I got a will, and a large insurance policy. She is taken care of now. She feels ALOT better.

And about the motorcycle ride? He said he would be home at 2. He got home a 2:45 and your pissed becaused he didn't do what he said he was going to do.

Wanna buy some tickets?

LG

One of my close friends was killed on a motorcycle -- I was on the back and survived with many injuries. My friend died enroute to the hostpital. I have forbidden H to have a bike and everyone has been sensitive about my position on this, including H. Letting us spend hard earned money on what I see as a possible death machine was huge for me. H promised he'd be careful, being fully aware of how big this is for me to be okay with him riding. He had had the bike for all of 5 days and was already pushing my tolerence. If he was thinking that I would have no problem with him being killed and he thought he should test my thoughts about his death this way, then he is a cruel man.

When I showed genuine relief and worry when he came in, he made light of it, paying no mind to the fact that I was seriously freaked out.

We were NOT going to be sitting next to her. ONLY if H wanted to.

The tickets I bought are maybe 15 rows from the top of the arena. My Sis' ticketes are across the arena -- on the opposite side -- 7 rows up from the floor. We couldn't be much further apart from each other. I was providing H with the OPTION of either sticking with the plan and keeping our nosebleed seats OR sitting with Sis in her great seats. I hadn't committed anything to Sis and WAS ASKING H WHAT DID HE WANT TO DO. Knowing how he felt about going to the show with Sis, I offered him the choice, (or at least was trying to) as H is very picky about where we sit at shows and my tickets are crap. The choice he made is to not go at all with me. Ever.

We are not sitting with Sis and never were. If H WANTED to sit with her in awesome seats, she was offering us the tickets.

If he had LISTENED to WHAT I was asking of him and telling him, H would have understood what I was asking. Instead he jumped to the worst conclusion and it was the wrong conclusion. I apologized because I should have asked him if my plan for purchasing the tickets was okay with him. I understood his frustration at involving Sis without checking with him and for that I am and was sorry. I did not apologize for and am not sorry for giving H an OPTION to have great seats at the expense of sitting with Sis OR not sitting with Sis at the expense of having crappy seats.

What I guess I should have done was only said that Sis ended up getting great seats and she has offered us her two spare tickets. I should have said nothing about working with her to make sure we got tickets so we could be guaranteed getting in the arena. But then that wouldn't have been O&H. And I don't do that any more. My


Yes he does. And thank you, b_r.

I am. And I'm tired.

I detail these conversations/fights/discussions so I can get objective feedback. I know I get defensive. But know I'm truly absorbing what folks say -- including you, LG. I don't always agree with people's perspectives and mistakenly don't follow it at times, but I appreciate you picking things apart so I can learn. I am always learning.

How is this going to the show with Sis? She and I decided 10 minutes before tickets went on sale to work together to make sure we had tickets. (I would have gotten to the store sooner as I usually do, but I had been making breakfast for my son's 5 friends after his birthday party sleep-over.) Knowing how H feels about Sis, let alone going to this show WITH Sis, the plan was never to go to the show with her or sit next to her. Our deal was to get tickets for each other if we didn't hear from the other. We'd then have tix we could sell or barter -- have leverage for a show where last time tickets were going for as high as $500 per ticket.

He didn't ask this of me and I didn't say I wouldn't. I said we would not be doing the concert together. It was an IM conversation. Checking the IM history, the exact conversation was:

[4/10/2009 1:02:32 PM] H says: AC DC comes back in Aug
[4/10/2009 1:02:37 PM] H says: tix go on sale tomorrow
[4/10/2009 1:02:39 PM] L4 says: I know.
[4/10/2009 1:02:46 PM] L4 says: Don't ruin your b-day present.
[4/10/2009 1:03:20 PM] H says: would we have to go with Sis and Sis' partner too?
[4/10/2009 1:08:10 PM] L4 says: Nope.
[4/10/2009 1:18:12 PM] H says: this rain is messing with my bike riding

We weren't.

The arena holds 17,000. She is the one who told me of the show and ticket sales in the first place. I knew she was going to buy tickets.

Not really. I didn't do anything that I said I wasn't going to do.

Looking back, I could have done a few things differently.

When I saw the time, I could have taken the greater chance of not getting tickets and spending hundreds of dollars on scalped tickets later.

I could not have told H at all about my Sister's offer for better seats.

I could have called H first when I was worried I wasn't going to get tickets -- I was 10th in the line. I could have asked if H was okay with me working with Sis to ensure we got tix.

As it was, the mere mention of my sister's involvement -- even though it was for the potential benefit of H and me -- made it all wrong and has ruined my b-day plans and any future concerts with my H. I didn't think I was out of line asking for her help in getting something I really wanted for H and me.

But maybe I'm still too close to it. I'll re-read your post a few more times.

I did have a plan. Until I didn't get out of the house until 20 minutes before tix went on sale due to son's party.

She did have her own plans. I asked if she'd change them for me if it looked like I wasn't going to make it in time.

I am worried about him getting hurt. But I know I can't control this. Which is why I drove him to the bike shop last Tuesday to buy a bike.

He said he'd be home in time to get our son to a playdate at the park by 2. As it was, DS7 didn't get his playdate, I didn't get my workout, and I missed a prayer celebration at our church. I thought his being an hour late was thoughtless since he knew how I was counting on him getting back by 1:45 to get the other things done. And because he was out and about on the motorcycle, I was even more sensitive. I wasn't pi**ed but I was upset that he was late. I was upset because instead of apologzing for ruining two other people's plans and worrying me, he smiled and patted me on the back.

No thanks. But I have two for sale if you have a buyer.

Based on what you, LG, and b_r are saying, going forward I shouldn't ask Sis for help when I'm in a pickle -- even if I didn't say I wouldn't. And when H's IB ruins the plans of others -- plans he is well aware of and includes disappointing our kids -- I'll chuckle about it just like he does.

And yes, this last statement is sarcastic.

Does knowing more details change any of your opinion about what I did? Please give it to me straight because if after knowing more you still think I was all wrong in this, I want to know. I can take the 2x4s. Bring it on. Please. Because as I said at the beginning, I am tired. I feel some days like I am wasting energy. I want to know where I can improve which is why I run through these real-life examples with y'all.

Thank you.

Ok, so you are my first post in recovery. So be gentle.

What is the resentment towards your sister on your H's part?

Let me ask you something. Do you honor and respect your H?

Do you trust G-d?

Hi L4. I am a lurker, never posted before. Until now. I have been following your thread from the beginning - your story deeply touched me, as it did many people on this site. I apologize in advance if what I am going to say is out of line - just my opinion... I do realize you are getting some of the best advice available on this site, but something compelled me to finally write something tonight, so here it is.
From what I have read so far, it looks to me like your husband is just a very selfish, self-centered person... He has always been that way - before, during and, save for a short period of time, after the A. This recent situation with tickets and the bike ride only proves it yet again. In my opinion, this is his nature, and this is what you have to look forward to in the future, should he decide to stick around as he is now - it doesn't seem like he sees the need to make any self-improvements... I think he simply is not capable of being the person you so desperately want him to be (what a good husband SHOULD be) - loving, caring, sharing, filling your EN's, etc. He just doesn't see, that without those very qualities your marriage, or any marriage for that matter, stands very little chance of surviving... Unless he realizes that and works on his becoming the Giver, not just the Taker, not much will change for the better.

His profoundly selfish nature is, in my opinion, the main reason he cannot forgive you for the affair. It is very HARD for egotists to forgive even the slightest transgressions against them. Some people are like that. In my experience they rarely seek to truly see themselves for what they are, so that they can improve.

I admire you for all the hard work you have done and are doing on yourself and your marriage, but sadly, i think at the end of the day it may not matter much... unless you can be content with plan A-ing for the rest of your married life and get very little reciprocation from your H. You are doing all you can to save your family, I think. But you just can't do it alone. He obviously cares very little about the future of your marriage and there is nothing you can do about that... Please save yourself a lot of heartache and focus on the possibility of life without H.
He obviously sees little value in all your efforts, and in my opinion, simply does not deserve you.

This may sound like gloom and doom, and radically different from every other opinion/advice out there, and I apologize again if I am way off and/or out of line. I just get so very sad reading your posts and seeing your heart get broken over and over and over again...

(I wanted to say so much, but putting my thoughts down in comprehensive manner proved to be no easy task... and the fact that english is not my first language didn't help either. Maybe a good thing, after all.)

Really? You are so wise I would think you'd be over here saving all of us recovering wanna-bes. Thank you for doing me the honor, Queenie.

How much time do you have? The Reader's Digest condensed version...

They used to get along famously. Sis was 3 years behind us in school so she's known H since even before we dated in high school.

I think when Sis came out of the closet 20 years ago, things changed a bit. H is not a homophobe, but he is uncomfortable with same-sex relationships. He gets squeemish and while my Sis knows H likes her, she has felt his uneasiness with her.

The true turning point was in 1996 when Sis experienced a very bad break-up with her long-time girlfriend. H and I invited her to spend some time away visiting us. We had just moved to L.A. At the time, H was working a horrible job from 11pm - 7am so they were at the apartment together during the day while I was at work. H and I were adjusting to a different city, new jobs, and no family or friends around. Sis was moping around our apartment, H was hating being in L.A., and I was playing Switzerland to keep everyone from killing each other. Sis' visit ended up being 6 weeks long. H was very bitter by the end.

Sis is non-confrontational, though she would stop a bullet for a loved one without thought. She is protective, the least judgemental person I know, easy-going, and highly social. H can be a smart-aleck, he tends to be more negative than positive, he's quite stubborn, and private. They have things in common such as love for music and a good joke, but their core personalities are pretty different.

Sis doesn't think H treats me well. H doesn't like how Sis is in my life and thus his life. But... They do get along most of the time. It's a balancing act for me because Sis is my best friend and H is my H. I've been learning these last 6 months that in the end, I need to put my H first. And while this is VERY hard for me, I think I'm doing a good job. Good enough to where a month ago Sis told me she misses me. She knows things have changed and supports whatever I need to do for my M, but she misses the closeness we had. I do too. But I know it's for the greater good.

You mean outside of my cheating on him and lying to him for months? That's a very good question, Queenie. I do believe I honor him. I got to where before and during my A last spring I didn't respect him much at all and trusted him with my feelings and concerns even less. Post D-day, I respected him a heck of a lot more. I think because of how he comforted me then despite his own pain and because of how strong he stood in trying to figure out why I did what I did. He asked tough questions, really listened to me, and spent time with me. He showed tenderness, kindness, and strength I hadn't seen in years.

He works hard to provide for us. He is a great father. He cares for me and his family. He cares for my family. He is smart. He never lies. He manages our finances and when he's in a good mood, he's so much fun to be with. I respect him, yes. I only wish he showed respect for me more often.

Yes. But I realize after reading a post from Mark a couple of weeks ago that I haven't given myself fully to God. I feel I'm not good enough for all of God's gracious and undying love. This is my problem, not God's. I love God and I KNOW God loves me. However, because God is so good, it's hard to reconcile that God could love one like me who is not all good. I've done a horrible thing to H -- twice! -- and to others such as FOM's BW and both of our families. And I don't like that part of me who did those things. Hard to ask God to love all of me when my flaws are so ugly and have done so much damage. It's contrary to how God operates, I know. But it's how I feel. I'd say I've probably given over 97% of myself to God. I ask God to take all of me, but I know in the deepest reaches of my heart that I haven't given all of me for God to take. I don't feel I'm deserving.

But I'm working on it. I really really am.

Welcome to L4's world, my friend.

Yes, dinner is over, but life just got in the way ... better late than never right?

The Lovebusters book can't arrive soon enough L4, please don't wait to engulf yourself in it.
Consider the audio series that goes along with it. Both you and H need to take long drives together and listen to them. But for now, it is only you, and only you that can fix your half of this M.
Once you do that, you will be better equipped to to decide if you want to remain in this M.
It does take two to make this work, and you have as much right to leave as any of us do.

This was thoughtless to you and DS7.
I'm not convinced that the purchase of this bike was fully POJA'd on your part. Did you really enthusiastically agree, or did you just agree b/c you wanted to make H happy and felt that you owed this to him?

You tip toed around this one. You gave H the impression that sis had nothing to do with going to this concert, when in fact she was going. You say later that the two of you would only sit in the better seats with sis/partner if H wanted to, but you knew H would not want to, with what he had mentioned earlier about sis going. Long of short, I agree with what others have said on this.

I understand it must be very hard to give up the relationship you once had with your sis. I think it can work for all of you, but not with sneaky tactics. This only reiterates to H that sis is more important than him, despite what you say.

This is not to discourage you from having a relationship with sis, but it may need to be kept very separate from H. I see this could also change, once you and H have built a loving M. Sis living with you for 6 wks was not healthy for your M. I'm sure in hindsight you can see why for all that we know now thru MB.

Yes, he was mad, he felt like he had been tricked, he really was not important. H responding like this is not respectful, tit for tat, wrong on both sides.

Do you remember what I said about apologizes. b_r mentioned the same in her post. They lose value when actions are repeated.

I can understand how upsetting this was. Many of us have been through these scenarios, and they are just so destructive.

The conversation became unpleasant soon after it started. You had the right to end it at that point. Sound familiar.
As the ping pong game goes on, it only gets ugly when both want to win.

And hurtful things are disrespectfully said. Your H has a lot of resentment inside, this is his to own and fix. You do not deserve this disrespect and lack of caring.

When was Mr. L4 a caring and respectful H ? When did this change?
Have you ever felt like you were the most important person in H life?
Has Mr. L4 ever felt like he was the most important person in yours?
Really think about these last 2 questions. Really think .....

BTW L4 ...