Thank you, L4.....as always, the words that I need to hear.

Church was wonderful (we rocked as usual) and celebrated "Resurrection Day" PROPER! The kids had a blast going through their baskets and findind the eggs that Spartan and I hid. The rest of the day was spend over at my parents' house and Spartan and I unraveled into a very distant, angry mess. By the time we got home, I was ready to file for divorce.

Our church gifted Spartan and I a FamilyLife "A Weekend to Remember" for this coming weekend. In my heart of hearts, I think that this may be the last thing we can do to try to salvage this marriage. We cannot afford an MB weekend as much as I want to go. We do not have any credit cards and my 401K has been emptied out to get caught up on our mortgage payment.

I'm tired of him being disrespectful to the kids (he told DS1 last night to sit on the floor because he didn't want to make room on the loveseat for him to join him). That didn't set well with me. He got totally angry because I went on to MB to check my thread and was actually acting like I was on MySpace or Facebook or something like that. I had just gotten on and began to read a post when he came in and argued with me, so I quickly shut it down.

Sex between us is miserable. Just like Harley explains in the book, if a woman isn't ready she will be sacrificing herself if her man pressures her to engage in SF. And that's exactly the way it is between us. I feel bitter and used because of it.

I daydream of living alone with the kids and doing things as a single mom. Going to the beach, working with them on their homework, teaching them new things and raising respectful men without hearing their father bark at them and treat them like dirt. That really p*ssed me off last night! When it comes to the kids, you don't go there with me around. Fine if he wants to treat me like crap but NOT THEM.......EVER.

I don't know how many times I've started this post and then pulled it back.

I think I have been drinking to escape the pain and guilt of what I have done.

I understand, Sparky. My alcohol intake increased post-A and certainly post D-day. And I've noticed my H's has too.

We are adults and well aware of the dangers of this. The guilt and shame may be numbed by the liquor, but they don't go away. While they will likely never go away, you can hand them over to God to carry along with you.

I know this is hard as I am not fully there either. You have to look at what you did and why. You have to know you can't change what you did. You put up solid EPs and boundaries, and you move on. Hopefully moving on includes Spartan. If it doesn't, make sure it's not because you didn't give it a try.

You are a child of God and God is with you now. No alcohol, no OM, no job, and no words from others can take that from you. Lean on God now and know you will get through this.

Give yourself a chance, Sparky, and Spartan too. Stay clear, focused, and committed. Don't stop until you KNOW you can't do it anymore. Take a breath, get some sleep, and go again tomorrow.

BTW... What was with this weekend? You, Roo, and I all sure had a go of it, didn't we?

Take care. And I mean really... Take care.

I don't know if this helps or not, but if you guys can get through the hardest bit of recovery, the drinking will more than likely peter out.

BTDT.

I'm so sorry it's so hard right now.

MS, you keep shooting yourself and your marriage in the foot, and then complain because it hurts.

When you do this it's GONNA hurt!

It's been 4 weeks since I told you to read SAA and HNHN and then re-read HNHN and answer the questions at the end of the chapter.

I can tell that you still have not done this.

I can tell you are allowing yourself to be distracted by every breeze that blows into your life and then complain because everything is going wrong, and it's not your fault.

What you decide to give priority is what will have priority.

You are still suffering from the disease of poor choices that causes extreme outbreaks of poor meeee's.

You are absolutely right on every level. I've been wallowing in everything that I've done wrong and concentrating on how miserable things are because of it. I realize how counterproductive it is and I needed to get smacked back into reality to pick myself up and start moving again. I honestly thank you for that. I was being stupid and it's no wonder why no one wanted to help me out. No one wants to hear it and now that I look back at my posts, I don't want to hear it either.

I got a pretty heavy 2x4 last night from one of the girls at our church recovery group. She demanded that I come to the meeting last night (I haven't been in weeks) to watch The Passion. After the movie was over, she told me that I had no business drinking with everything that is going on. She also told me that she didn't care whether or not Spartan was doing what he was "supposed to do" as a husband. What SHE cared about was that I was serving GOD and being a GODLY wife. She chased me around for quite a bit last night and was appropriately unapologetic about it. Yeah it stung but I listened. I learned quite a bit about her last night and found that she and I have a lot in common about our past ways. Evidently, God knows that I needed her because she got my attention. She and her husband will be going to the "Weekend to Remember" with us this weekend along with several other couples from church.

When I came home last night, Spartan had vacuumed, cleaned our bathroom, did the dishes, watered the plants, went to Home Depot to get salt for the water softener, picked up the house and left one of the accent lights on in the kitchen for me (he knows I like that). It melted me and I thanked him profusely and told him how much that meant to me.

Have you read the books?

I'm still reading HNHN's.

Between tst and this young woman, God has been trying to get your attention. Hon, tst is right. You need to F O C U S on your recovery. Forget all those other books you want to read. Read SAA and HNHN. Whether spartan does or does not do the "right" things, YOU need to do what is necessary to recover from this. That is whether or not your M recovers. Otherwise, you will never regain your self respect. I can look in the mirror again, can you?

Nope. I haven't had self respect in a number of years and I've been relying on everyone else to supply that for me by how they see me. If someone says anything negative to me, I let it decimate me.

My friend from church just replied to an e-mail I sent her thanking her for straightening me up last night.

Here is what she sent me:

I’m sorry if I came on strong, but God has done and continues to do so much for me and Miguel that it would be a sin to just watch you and Bob come so far for you to just hand your marriage over to Satan.



Just keep your focus on the LORD and be in the Word (read Ephesians), I know it’s hard(SUPER HARD no doubt) but just do it! Just imagine how rewarding it will be once you share your testimony with another couple after your 50th anniversary with Bob…. The man that you made your covenant with God till death do you part.


I'm in grateful tears....

What are you going to ALLOW to be important in your life? A human's words, or God's will?

God knows you from the top of your head to the tips of your toesies and loves you anyway.

Why would you place any importance upon mere words when the Holiest of Holies already loves you unconditionally?

That is the Lord speaking to you through this woman. You are very blessed to have her in your life.

Yeppers! This is the truth!

My focus has been all wrong for a while. I was just starting to "get it" and then I totally went off of the deep end and let all of the white noise in life interfere. God was whispering but I didn't quiet down to listen. I wasn't going to church, wasn't reading my bible as I used to, wasn't praying for the things that I needed and let my relationship with Jesus lax. Plain and simple, I wasn't faithful to my Father. And I wonder why I feel like this?!

Yes, Athena is a blessing for me. She came from out of nowhere and was exactly what I needed.

Ask yourself that in the Grand Scheme of Things, after all that you've lived through, are the words that are being said to you the absolute Worst Things Ever?

Honestly, now.

All of us here have been through much worse than criticism, right?

It's all about perspective. Sometimes YOU have to change the view so you can see it from ALL of the sides, instead of settin' (sitting) in one spot and ALLOWING it to take you up the wazoo.

You're so right! You wouldn't believe some of the things that I've been through in my life.

OOOOHHH! You gave me the shivvvvvvvvers.

Say it again!

All hail to the queen!!! You lil stinker. :crosseyedcrazy:

It's like Whoopie Goldberg's character in Lion King.

"Mufasa."

"Ohhh. That name scares me to death! Say it again!"

"Mufasa, Mufasa, Mufasa!"