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[quote=MelodyLane The sinking TITANTIC was a "symptom" of other problems, too, but the sinking ship had to be corrected before the other "problems" could be addressed. There would be no ship to save if the sinking was not stopped first. [/quote] Mel.. you really do kill me.....  Ahh.... I truly love your style.. Start with one part sarcasic humor then add three parts wisdom stir with a carrot and a stick.. and you have...... MelodyLane  Pepper...Amazing I knew I heard that before!! Just couldn't rattle it out of my old tired mind.... GOoD Luck and Prayers... Frank
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If he does not reach the point of choosing his marriage over everything else including his perfect job, you are better off without him.
If you provide an "easy" way out for him now, you are setting up your entire recovery to fail. If he takes the easy way now, he will expect you to furnish an easy way everytime he is uncomfortable with what he needs to do.
You'll fudge here and there on this and that, until you will have a WS all over again.
This is a BIGGIE. Stand firm on it.
"I love you and know that our marriage can be great. As soon as you have no contact with OW, we can begin to rebuild something beautiful for each other and our daughter."
Last edited by sexymamabear; 04/14/09 02:21 PM. Reason: spelling, yet again
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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Thanks SMB, you're right. I've provided any easy out for him all this time and I need to stop and let him stand on his on two feet. I don't want things to end up back where we started and I have to stand firm to keep that from happening. Through all this I have been able to see some of my bad habits and incorrect way of handling things. It's been a great learning process.
Thanks to all of you for holding me up and helping me through!!
Last edited by verysadtime; 04/14/09 02:21 PM.
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OMG not2fun, you've got me pegged... VST, Hon, it was WRITTEN all over your posts....  Of course you want you H to be STRONG....its what we women WANT in a MAN. To be strong and verile.....BUT you need to LET him be the one to do that. If he CHOOSES to be strong and do the RIGHT thing, then your respect and love for him will grow. In fact, it will be a CRUCIAL building block for your recovery..... And if he CHOOSES to be weak, then you really wouldn't want him back anyway. And if you took him back this way, then your building block you will be starting on will be weak, and that is NO way to start a recovery... Right now, he is weak. He is wayward. He doesn't WANT to give up his addiction or fix. He is going to present to you EVERY avenue he can think of not to give it up. Give him some time.....the good ones around here ALWAYS come around.....(and FYI.....IF he truly didn't want you or his family, he would have filed for a divorce AGES ago. Your WH sounds a lot like my WH did....and Believer always said to me, "He is very attached to your family". And B is a very wise woman..... ;)) gotta go work out now....I lost 45 lbs. during the A, and it seems to be creeping back on....gotta nip THAT in the butt..... not2fun
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I was just thinking earlier how I need to call the college I'm thinking of attending and get the ball rolling. I feel the need to work on ME. If I sit around here waiting for something to happen next, it will drive me insane! This is a great idea. Or take up a hobby or two. What would you enjoy learning about?
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Psychology.....I wanted to study that after high school but it just never worked out. I'd love to be a counselor of some kind.
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Thanks for the WOW not2fun. Much appreciated!
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VST..
They are sooo right about NC... this is a boundary that can't be compromised... Your marriage won't have a chance...
How about this...
"WH, I know this is a very hard place for you....I wish there was another way…we could try without NC but from what I've read we are VERY likely to fail.." “There simply is no other way….”
"There has to be a good solution...I have faith in you WH to fix this for our family... it will be hard, but I know you will fine a way" “Then with what I’ve learned.. we can have the kind of marriage that will make us BOTH happy we fought for it”
Something like that...
A little Plan "A" and a lot of boundary...
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He's been on easy street all these years with me anyway. I've never voiced my needs to him, I never pointed out that he ignores his family, that he is totally self-absorbed. I've let him get away with it 'cause I've always worried about what he feels and what his reaction will be. Well, I'm done with that people!! I need to worry about ME! vst, I think you need to worry about him, he is your H. Instead of training him to be a thoughtless PUNK by allowing him to treat you this way, how about TREATING HIM LIKE A MAN? Set your BAR HIGH and tell him you know he is man enough to reach that standard. You know he will do the right thing and you are leaving it in his capable hands. You know he will do the right thing for his family by ending all contact with the OW. You have full confidence in his ability to do so. Stop setting the bar LOW, as if you are dealing with a PUNK. Set the bar high and he will respect himself and most of all, he will respect YOU if you come at a COST. Don't sell yourself and your DD so cheaply.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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"There has to be a good solution... I have faith in you WH to fix this for our family... it will be hard, but I know you will fine a way" Frank nailed it!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If he does not reach the point of choosing his marriage over everything else including his perfect job, you are better off without him. This is extremely true. Your new marriage will have the right priorities. Your new marriage can have the right foundation. It will be up to you to start building it the right way. So for now you have to be tough. It will be worth it. What you want is a husband that will put you before EVERYTHING in his life. And you need to be willing to put him first too. Even before your daughter. The marriage is the foundation to the family.
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This is taken from my Carrot/Stick thread on the "Just Found Out" forum: Offering forgiveness and understanding.
by this I mean .... suggesting to the confused foggy affair-addicted spouse that there is HOPE for the marriage even though what they are doing is awful ... there is a map leading to home
often their thinking is thus: "It's too late now. I've done too much damage ... my spouse could never forgive me, so I might as well continue with the affair."
You, the sane spouse, need to squash that belief that they can never be forgiven for what they have done.
You do not need to forgive them right away, but offer them the hope of a future where all is forgiven.
you can word it something like this:
All of us do things we regret. When I think of some of my past mistakes, I am extremely grateful for having been forgiven by those I've hurt. I want to be in the position to offer you that same grace. I have been forgiven, so I inderstand what it feels like to be in a position where you hope forgiveness is possible. It is possible. The time may come where you can offer the HOPE of forgiveness - which the waynerds don't think they have a showballchanceinhell of getting.
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That's what I'm talking about! Are you a Napoleon fan too???
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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vst, I think you need to worry about him, he is your H. Instead of training him to be a thoughtless PUNK by allowing him to treat you this way, how about TREATING HIM LIKE A MAN?
Set your BAR HIGH and tell him you know he is man enough to reach that standard. You know he will do the right thing and you are leaving it in his capable hands. You know he will do the right thing for his family by ending all contact with the OW. You have full confidence in his ability to do so.
Stop setting the bar LOW, as if you are dealing with a PUNK. Set the bar high and he will respect himself and most of all, he will respect YOU if you come at a COST. Don't sell yourself and your DD so cheaply. This is so right-on, but it tooke me a while to get there...like you, I kept (sometimes still do) wanting to control things...make things EASIER on FWH. But that was half of the problem...I had ALWAYS done that, for our whole M...rather than ask him to help with the kids (or housework, or whatever) because I was afraid of his poutiness, I just did it...and then became resentful. I tried to control his BAD ATTITUDE by letting him off easy...that is a recipe for disaster. Mel is very right and has helped me with this very thing...it's great advice.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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He's been on easy street all these years with me anyway. I've never voiced my needs to him, I never pointed out that he ignores his family, that he is totally self-absorbed. I've let him get away with it 'cause I've always worried about what he feels and what his reaction will be. Well, I'm done with that people!! I need to worry about ME! vst, I think you need to worry about him, he is your H. Instead of training him to be a thoughtless PUNK by allowing him to treat you this way, how about TREATING HIM LIKE A MAN? Set your BAR HIGH and tell him you know he is man enough to reach that standard. You know he will do the right thing and you are leaving it in his capable hands. You know he will do the right thing for his family by ending all contact with the OW. You have full confidence in his ability to do so. Stop setting the bar LOW, as if you are dealing with a PUNK. Set the bar high and he will respect himself and most of all, he will respect YOU if you come at a COST. Don't sell yourself and your DD so cheaply. Wow, Thanks Mel. I totally get that!
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This is so right-on, but it tooke me a while to get there...like you, I kept (sometimes still do) wanting to control things...make things EASIER on FWH.
But that was half of the problem...I had ALWAYS done that, for our whole M...rather than ask him to help with the kids (or housework, or whatever) because I was afraid of his poutiness, I just did it...and then became resentful. I tried to control his BAD ATTITUDE by letting him off easy...that is a recipe for disaster.
Yes, MF that is exactly what I've done all these years.
Last edited by verysadtime; 04/14/09 03:56 PM.
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That's what I'm talking about! Are you a Napoleon fan too??? No, did he steal my line?
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Pepper, thanks for that info on forgiveness. You people know exactly what I need to hear exactly when I need to hear it. Amazing!
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That's what I'm talking about! Are you a Napoleon fan too??? No, did he steal my line? Not Napoleon, but it's in the movie. You should see it.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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