BK,

Om is done, gone and finshed with. We're just doing the Af/SF thing now

Dr Harley, yes you are right i have been depressed most of our married life. A major part of that has been through losing many loved ones through our marriage. One being my dear Mother who i was incredibly close to. And just last night my father in Law died. This of course has left my poor hubby shattered. We have been up all night but i am grateful we were all there when he died.In the car on the way to see my father in law, i turned the radio off and told my h that i had been posting on here and that you would like to talk to him also. He was very receptive to the whole idea. Sounds like i underestimated him. I explained to him about emotional needs and how sf is at the bottom of my list.He stated that its not that high on his list either but he still has needs. he reminded me of a holiday we took together (3days as his son got married on an island) where we had non stop sex. I said i know and we had no kids so i felt relaxed. We talked about putting a lock on our bedroom door?? I also explained catpersons views on our sleeping arrangements he wasnt happy at what she had said. I also might mention that h had this week off work and we did the garden side by side we had a great time i think this is the sort of stuff we need to do. We just need time together. I also said the kids are nearly 18 they will be doing their own thing soon and we will only have each other so lets make it the best we can. We had a great chat but i cant see much happening in the next few days as we are obviously tied up with his family for now. I also mentioned that you would like to talk to him too he was very open to the idea.. And the lung thing is Cystic Fibrosis i was born with it, and its really no biggie unless im in hospital for a tune up ( intravenous drugs ) And i know the transplant will be tricky but how lucky am i to get a second chance? I feel very lucky. I will have time to read the basic concepts this weekend and i will wait till he is feeling emotionally stronger and we will go over it together.. Thanks again for taking an interest in us regards kez

yes there is no one else

Ah to be honest i had forgotten about him.. Nothing happened i blocked him when he became suggestive because it scared the life out of me
kez

hi there it was $45.000 and that 20 years ago was a lot of money as the first house we bought we paid $30.000 for.. Then also we had huge legal fees.. Im not sure i have to make that up to him as we both willingly handed the money over because we trusted him. I just would like my h not to hate my uncle as i loved him very much and would love to be able to talk about him. we never ever mention him at all.
kez

hi there, i am under a team of Professors at my hospital so i will be sure to ask them next time i go in.. I must admit i am very slack about going to the Doctors but i am able to have phone contact with them at all times. So im thinking i will call them on Monday ill let you know how i go...
kez

Hi Kez,

this is so great that your H is interested, it shows he is still invested in the M. I have such a good feeling about this

Hi there, yes it is great news. I even told him i have put some very personal stuff on here and he was great about it. He also said sf isnt at the top of his list so i was very excited about that. As his Dad has just died and the funeral has to be arranged i think it will be a little while before he gets on but he is very keen so im very happy....
kez

kewwy:

Getting your husband's perspective on the issues you raise will be enlightening for both of us. With neither of you all that interested in sex, you may be feeling guilty for nothing. Not all marriages need sex. On the other hand, your husband mentions other emotional needs. What are they?

As I told you earlier, we'll try to fix the emotional bond issue first. What will it take for you and your husband to feel close to each other again? You both may find that once you feel emotionally connected, a sexual interest will develop, and your fear of sex will disappear. Time will tell.

Apparently, Love Busters may not be much of a problem in your marriage. But go over them with your husband just to be sure. Failure to meet each other's emotional needs, however, may be the primary problem. Meaningful conversation, time alone with each other, an affectionate environment -- failure to have these essential needs met in your marriage may be at the root of your problem.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley

Hi Dr Harley, sorry ive taken so long to reply, we have been tied up with funeral arrangements. I will go over both of our emotional needs over the weekend. Also lildoggie gave me the name of a book shop that sells your books so im hoping to get them on Thursday.So this weekend will be the start of a new us.. I will also get hubby to look through this site and see what he thinks. But he is very willing so thats a great start.Also tomorrow is the day they do transplant clinic so i will call them to talk about the new anti depressant, they will mail out a script so thats good.
Regards Kez

Hi all i look forward to getting every ones posts and i do take your ideas on board. Thank you all for your help and advice.
Regards kez

kewwy:

I'm happy to hear that your friend, lildoggie, will be there for both of you to guide you toward solutions.

Keep in mind the point I made earlier about what your husband does that causes Love Bank withdrawals, and what he doesn't do to make deposits. From what you've told me so far, it doesn't look like he's doing any of it deliberately. For example, both of you going to the funeral to pay your respects demonstrates the care that both of you show toward others. But because it's an emotionally negative experience, it's likely to cause both of you to make Love Bank withdrawals. It's unintentional, yet possibly effective in keeping you from bonding with your husband.

Perhaps you actually feel closer to your husband because he joined you at the funeral, but I'd like to see you together in positive and emotionally uplifting experiences. What would it take for you both to make more Love Bank deposits and avoid making withdrawals? That's a topic I'd like to see you both discuss.

Best wishes,
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

joining you at the funeral is a very caring thing

Kewwy and Dr. Harley: I had a similar experience a few years back: close family member dying in the midst of a terribly difficult time between my husband and me. I had just found out about his EA and we were in the process of establishing recovery. Though I hadn't known about MB at that time, I guess instinctively, we were following many of MB procedures: NC letter had been written and sent, EA exposed, passwords exchanged, etc.

So when the death occured, and I had to travel out of town to the funeral, I thought H would stay behind with the kids. Instea, he made arrangements for them to stay with a neighbor overnight and he joined me. It was a 5 hour car trip and we had a lot of UA time on the way down. We talked and it was very positive and I'm sure good for both our love banks. We did the funeral thing that day. My elderly aunt was in rehab for a broken hip so we had her apartment to ourselves and despite the emotional drain of the funeral, we managed to have a nice, intimate dinner and evening. We left very early the next morning to get home before the kids got home from school.

I found the overall experience drew us closer, despite the negative emotional effect of the death in the family. And we did not even have near as strong an emotional bond Kewwy, as you seem to have.

Anyway, I'm not disagreeing with Dr. Harley about positive vs negative experiences. I am offering the perspective that sharing our feelings about the death led to some high quality UA time between the two of us where we were able to talk to each other as we hadn't in years.

kewwy and OurHouse:

Very good point, OurHouse. If emotional needs can be met while attending a funeral, it can have a very positive effect on Love Bank balances. If you focus more on the opportunity to be alone to meet each other's emotional needs, instead of the loss of a loved one, it could turn into Love Bank deposits for both of you.

Best wishes,
Dr. Harley

FWIW, Flicks father died during the A last May, and while I was 'allowed' to attend as his wife, it was not a love bank balance building exercise for me, or for Flick.

Flicks grandmother died last month, 8 months in recovery and this time it was positive for both of us. We were able to support each other, not just through Grandma’s death and funeral, but also as a buffer against the negative atmosphere that developed with certain family members. We were also able to have more UA than we normally have due to my job, and Flick appreciated my companionship. As he said, “It was proper”

Kez,

Just out of curiosity, have you worked out what your top EN's might be yet?

Dr Harley, Well the funeral was today and as funerals go it was a nice send off. I feel very removed from hubby this week as i dont get on with his family and as you would expect it is a family thing. He has a sister who has a husband and 4 daughters who lived with us for 2 years.. Their youngest daughter was doing drugs and she ran away from home and came to me. We had a huge house and we decided to all live together to help her through her drugged time. It was a very trying 2 years with many many nights of her in my bed and me watching over her making sure she stayed asleep and didnt run away or do drugs... She overdosed once while with me and another night was on the roof. But i got her a job had her constantly by my side and she got through it.. It all turned ugly towards the end as i told her Mother i needed more help from her as i was tired..They packed up and moved out i was devastated and none of us have spoken since.. So being around them and not talking all this week has been horrible. And although hubby ignores them to i have to wonder what he really thinks? My children are very close to these girls and they are in contact through email as they now live interstate.. I feel so sad for my hubby as he adored his Dad and his Dad was a lovely man but i was not close to him. Both my hubby and i have been married before and hubby has a 33 year old son.. I have always felt they were people i visited never felt part of the family at all. I think they were more in favour of the first wife..Today i feel like it is all a mess. Hubby is shattered and i know this but i want to get on with our marriage but he needs time. I think selfishly my emotional needs are to be hubbys number one.. And i swear i hate saying that cause he is going through a very hard time.. But today i felt very much on the outer, my family came for moral support thank goodness for them.. My hubby is one of six so its a huge gathering and i feel like im on the outside looking in.. I want to do our emotional needs and love bank list together but not sure when to bring it up? Im sorry if i sound like a spoilt child but its been a tough week
kez

Ourhouse, thankyou so much for your post.. I have been by hubbys side the whole time and he has thanked me for his support. But somehow i feel its been his siblings he has needed more. He had a really bad day yesterday so i was there for him.At the funeral today he wanted me to go to communion with him and although i didnt receive it i walked up with him.. He wouldnt mingle at the wake said he couldnt so we chattered to ones sitting around us.. I know what you are saying about it being positive and in some small ways it has been i just feel everthing is very messy at the moment
kez

hey there, not sure if i was a buffer against the negativity or if i was the cause of it.. I will be glad when everthing settles and we can work on things i feel like we have taken a huge step backwards.. Funny how i feel sick about everything and hubby is here in bed snoring his head off!!! ( sheesh he is loud ))Im hoping to get to the book shop tomoz and he knows i am going so maybe this weekend we can do some lists
kez

Hey, havent done them yet its on my list for the weekend so wish me luck xx