People will probably groan when I say this again.

But there are additional therapies that you can look into that go hand in hand with MB and are really helpful.

Most specifically, Art Therapy is great for identifying, and controlling pain. Pain in the past, and current pain. It is great for forgiving- yourself and others.

With a good textbook, and proper guidence you can work on it by yourself. You do not have to be an artist to recieve benefits.
Try the "art therapy sourcebook". There are all kinds of others, too.

The thing that would scare me the most is that your husband won't see that changes must be made to affair-proof the marriage. Without EPs in place you are vulnerable to another affair. So, you don't let your guard down because you know that it could happen again because he is not willing to take extra precautions. He just acts like it was an ordinary mistake and tries to minimize the affair.

This is so true SS2!!!!

It sounds like you have a lot to consider. Does your husband know that he is fast-approaching a significant deadline once your son graduates next month? If he were willing to put EP in place, would it make a difference?

He is aware, i gave him the date of June 1 quite a while ago.

I am not sure, it may be too late already!

I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry, it is my decision although not one i have taken lightly to say the least.

When i answered that yesterday i did not elaborate, i am not sure if he ever will put EPs in place, i have asked for them for 25 years with my asks going ignored. So unfortunately i just do not think my H has it in him to NOT "be friendly" with women.

And i am just not willing to give him back my heart as i fear it will just get broken again somewhere down the line and i do not want either of us to live that kind of life.

I love him very much and we still get along great and are passionate and everything but i have that little voice inside my head everyday wondering what women is he "being friendly" with right now.

My mother and stepfather loved each other. They were openly affectionate. My step-dad had an affair that we knew about that my mother forgave early in their marriage. It produced an illegitimate child. He paid child support for 18 years. I remember when the OW came to our house and confronted my mother. I think I was 11 years old. Fast forward, 29 years, my step-dad had another affair with a 23 year old that he got pregnant and my mom divorced him. They have been divorced for 10 years. We just found out last year that he had 13 affairs not 2 and not 2 but 3 illegitimate children. My step-dad was surprised when my mom divorced him. He still loves her. He still calls her. He was always friendly with women. He never changed. I don't have a relationship with my step-dad even though he raised me.

Many on the the discussion forums have said that it takes longer than two years to recover. If you have love and passion, do you think that trust may come in the next couple of years? Have you seen improvements since d-day?

I have seen improvements since i announced my plan to leave on June 1. He no longer is "friendly" with other women while he is with me anyway.

I do still believe he is too personal with his female co-workers which is what got him in trouble to begin with. He just knows too much about them for my liking i guess.

Maybe it is just me being paranoid or suspicious or whatever but i do not know as much about my male co-workers as he does his female co-workers and i have worked at my job for 12 years, he has been at his for almost 1 year (later this month it will be 1 year).

And it is not like it is that big of a deal but he knows personal things about a couple of them (i know for sure he know where one of them lives and that she rides to work with her boyfriend on a motorcycle and another one's husband had a heart attack and can't work and that aother one's husband works in a bakery).

Like i said maybe it is just paranoia but it makes me think he must spend an awful lot of time talking to them when he does not really share an office with them he has to go to where they are to talk to them. He does have to go to them for his job so it is not like he is going out of his way to talk to them but it just seems like he talks to them an awful lot and knows them pretty well for such a short time working there.

I just worry every day that it is going to happen again and i hate it. He of course just says i was just talking to them and sees it all as innocent still. I can not get him to understand that i need the EPs whether he thinks they are necessary or not.

That is why i say that maybe i am asking too much from him, maybe i am expecting too much i do not know.

Well i guess TJD and LG gave up on me, i do not know if they thought i was lying or what regarding my H's drinking.

I said all along that i thought he had a problem during the time the ENIL lived here and during the A.

I could really use their male perspective though.

PS or maybe they think they can not help me.

Before I came to MB, I had a job that sometimes had a lot of free time between customers. We worked long hours and had some down time to kill. We all talked about things to pass the time. We knew a lot of personal information about each other. These women may be innocently chatting with your husband out of boredom. It might be considered rude to tell them to stop if he is in a group on a break and they are just talking. He also might see the boyfriend driving the girlfriend to work on the motorcycle. You can't expect him to close his eyes and ears whenever women are around at work - although in a perfect world it would be nice. I understand that it is a trigger for you. I deal with triggers daily still. Does you husband have the kind of job that you can meet him for lunches sometimes? Have you met these women? Are there work parties or socializing that you can join to get a better feel for what is going on? If so, how much do they know about your personal life? That would concern me more. What is he sharing? Is he spending time socializing out of work with these women going to lunch or drinks? I hope not. I am glad that you have seen improvements.

I understand what you are saying however he does not even work in the same office as these women he has to go down the hall to the area where they are located and it is simply to give them paperwork that they enter into a computer system.

Technically there is no need for him to spend any amount of time with them just drop off his paperwork and go back down the hall to the office that he shares with a man.

And it it more than he has seen her riding in with her boyfriend he told me he had a conversation with her regarding where she lived and such and found out about the boyfriend and riding together. An he had the conversation with the woman about her sick husband and the conversation about where the other woman's husband works. Beside that they work different times of the day, he comes in earlier than they do and leaves before they do. And these things just kind of slipped out i am sure he did not want me to know that he talks to them.

I work in the same area as the men i work with although they are behind a closed door and like i stated i have been there 12 years working with these same men and i do not know where any of them live. I speak to them and am friendly with them on a daily basis but i do not talk personal stuff.

We talk about work related stuff or make fun of the e-mails we receive from our national headquarters, things like that. I do not know any of their wives names. I do know their kids names.

He also has a job where he drives around the city all day by himself going to different job sites and always tells me that on some days he has time to kill so who knows how he is killing that time. His boss would never know and neither would i unless he tells me.

And we can not have lunch on a daily basis, we do have lunch if one of his jobs brings him close to where i work and it is near the lunch time hour.

Also i do not know how often i will be posting. My H now thinks i am having an internet affair because i post here.

We got into a heck of an argument yesterday because of it and he was going to leave.

I told him to go ahead but he did not.

"What if the BS can never get over it?"

1 don't get over it, a BS does not have to get over it

2 divorce

3 revenge affair

4 any combination of or all of the above




Get over it or move on. Nothing happens staying in between.

I talking to my husband about this and he recommended a gps on the car. It would give you peace of mind and he shouldn't mind if he's not doing anything. Unaccounted time is scary. Is he willing to help you feel safe again?

The vehicle is a work vehicle not a personal vehicle and the only cell phone that we have is also a work cell not a persoanl cell.

My husband carries two phones. One is a work cell and the other is a gps personal cell. He started carrying the gps cell after dday to prove his whereabouts. He promised to answer it to prove that it wasn't ditched.

Neither of us have a personal cell and we are in bankruptcy so any additional monthly bills are out of the question right now.

My H asked me last night if i would stay at the house longer (until we have to give it up) to try to work on our M more.

I told him i would but i am still very torn about my decision. I really do not want a divorce or separation or whatever but i am so tired of worrying every day because he chooses not to provide extraordinary care to our marriage.

I swear that i feel like he had this affair and got away scott free. There have been very few changes from him and he does not think he has to change anything.

And we are also to the point where he has basically told me that he does not want to talk about my feelings about our relationship anymore because i think he can not understand that i am talking about our marriage and not the A. And when we discuss it he just always get defensive and nasty to me and basically tells me to get over it and leave it in the past.