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If he does not reach the point of choosing his marriage over everything else including his perfect job, you are better off without him. This is extremely true. Your new marriage will have the right priorities. Your new marriage can have the right foundation. It will be up to you to start building it the right way. So for now you have to be tough. It will be worth it. What you want is a husband that will put you before EVERYTHING in his life. And you need to be willing to put him first too. Even before your daughter. The marriage is the foundation to the family. Thanks Lexxy, MY NEW MARRIAGE. I like the sound of that!
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vst, you should REALLY REALLY be learning the MB concepts. They will become invaluable in your R.
Go to the homepage of this website and click on Basic Concepts. Start reading...they are all there. You can also order HNHN which would be even better.
The buildup of resentment wreaks havoc in a M...as you have experienced. The MB concepts gives a good roadmap of how to AVOID resentment in M.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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Thanks MF, I've read that but it's been a little while. I'll read it again. I already have the book HNHN but need to read it.
and yes lots and lots of resentment on my end! I handled it by withdrawing....passive aggressive behavior....I'm a pro at that!
Last edited by verysadtime; 04/14/09 05:08 PM.
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vst, you should REALLY REALLY be learning the MB concepts. They will become invaluable in your R.
Go to the homepage of this website and click on Basic Concepts. Start reading...they are all there. You can also order HNHN which would be even better.
The buildup of resentment wreaks havoc in a M...as you have experienced. The MB concepts gives a good roadmap of how to AVOID resentment in M. I agree.....you also need to read "Surviving An Affair". It's the Holy Grail here. YOu will honestly be WOWWED by it. It just makes so much sense, especially when so many things seem senseless right now.....(I had read the book before I came to the forums.....)...... not2fun
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Thanks not2fun, I've got it and I'm almost done reading it.
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That's good. All the other books are good too, but when you are dealing with Affairs, SAA is the place to start..... HNHN is good too. I never truly understood my H needs. I thought they weren't real or trivial. I just didn't take them seriously. Especially, the need of SF and PA, my H's top 2 needs. After reading the chapters in HNHN's, I was completely besides myself. I was ASHAMED of myself, and how I had treated my H's needs (who knew that he wasn't the only "problem" in our M......  )..... Now, I "get it"......and furthermore, my H "gets it" too.... So, yes, you need to learn how you would like your "new" marriage to be..... Keep learning, you're getting there.... not2fun
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it will be hard, but I know you will fine a way"  I guess my spell check works just fine...I mean find...I mean.... oh @#@$... Where's my brain checker?
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Not Napoleon, but it's in the movie. You should see it. Or not.  I warn you, vst, it was an incredibly painful experience sitting through that movie!
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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Not Napoleon, but it's in the movie. You should see it. Or not. I warn you, vst, it was an incredibly painful experience sitting through that movie! HUH?!?!?! That is one of the best movies ever made!! We own SEVERAL copies of it!!!
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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So my WH drops by tonight without me knowing he's coming. Our DD asked him to come by and didn't tell me. So he's just kind of stand-offish, doesn't really look me in the eyes. But I am nice and he warms up a little. Just odd after our last encounter was so much better. Who knows what's going on in his head?? I know he saw the OW at work today, but she's NOT supposed to be talking to him......right.....
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I'm watching The Biggest Looser and they had a makeover and are coming down the stairs to meet their spouses who haven't seen them in a while and they are so happy and they love each other....I'm so sad. I'm just so sad. I want that. I want to love and to be loved.
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I was just thinking that I'd like to write my WH a letter saying that if he isn't ready to give up then why don't we start working on this now? I want him to make me proud of him. I want him to be a man of honor.
What is going on with him right now? Can anyone tell me what he is thinking?
The OWH told me he talked to my H and my H said "this has got to end and we need to restore our lives."
What is he thinking now that all this has been exposed and everyone knows, as he says, what a monster he is.
Somebody please fill me in. Is he trying to figure out how to keep her in his life still? Or is he coming to terms with stopping the A? Is he ready to think about seriously working on us?
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I cannot tell you for sure, but after exposure and I went to Plan B, my FWH stayed gone for 6 weeks...no one here (or IRL) could understand at all WTH he was doing or thinking.
The A was over...he wanted nothing to do with her. He was telling everyone he wanted to repair our M. So WTF was taking so long????
I have asked him why he stayed away so long...his answers were: he was humiliated and could not face me; he was scared, he didn't know what to expect; he was trying to save face; he needed to time to get his head together and figure out "how he was going to win me back".
There are a few possibilities...but C with the OW is going to change that a some...it's going to keep him foggy.
And remember...this is a roller coaster. That is why it seemed fairly good the last time you saw him and then rough today. Hang in there...keep Plan A'ing him for now.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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Who knows what's going on in his head?? Your better off spending your energies scrubbing the toilets.... Also, don't write that letter.....its another controlling factor for you...... Better off writting down what EN'S your H has and learning about those.... not2fun
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VST, You've been awfully quiet today......how are you doing??? I hope you took the toilet comment as tongue-in-cheek. It was really just humor, though B DID always say it to me.... The other point of that was it is hard to know what is going on in the minds of our lost spouses. I would wonder, think, ponder, and it would drive me crazy. Then when I "thought" I knew, I would be wrong. While you can't know what is going on in his head, or even begin to make sense of it, I am including a thread for you to read.....Its titled "Inside the Wayward Mind". It was writte by Resonance (aka...Lala) who is a FWW. She came to MB, after her affair was over, but still very foggy and in the wayward mindset. She got racked over the coals quite a bit and began to see the light, thanks to many on here. She wrote this after the fog had cleared to help us BS see a little into what the waywards are thinking..... http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2029218But honestly, the best advice I can give you is let him stew in his own stuff. Let him fix himself and his own problems. He got himself into this, he can find his way out. YOU, on the other hand, can be the light shining the way home. Giving hope that you both CAN get through this (BTW...awesome job last night on his stopping by....that girlfriend, is PLAN A..... ;)). I know this stuff is hard....  BUT, I know it can be done.....my marriage is proof....my WH was bad...awful. Did awful things, said awful things....My H TODAY wrote "I love u" on the bathroom mirror in shaving cream. Just a year ago, I didn't think it would be possible..... not2fun
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Thanks not2fun. You could never offend me! I've been quite because basically nothing has transpired today. I have not heard a word from him and I haven't contacted him either. Last night after he left I emailed him that I thought he looked handsome when he stopped by (dressed for work). He just said thank you. I'll let him simmer in his on stew for a while. He has a lot of stuff to fix for sure. But I'm feeling pretty spunky today and have smiled a lot. I know I'll be ok one way or the other. I'm going to set the bar way high and see if he can belly up. It will have to be a complete change from how he was before, go back 11 years....
Last edited by verysadtime; 04/15/09 05:24 PM.
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I've been quite because basically nothing has transpired today. That's when you post about YOU....what you are doing today for YOU.....and what you are doing today to meet WH's EN'S. Which BTW, have you figured out what those are???? It is crucial to identify those and to find ways to meet those. If you need suggestions or help, just ask..... not2fun
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I had him do the EN thing a while back. They are:
Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Recreational Relationship
Physical Attractiveness
Honesty and Openness
Kinda hard to cover these while separated....
Do you think showing WH the "inside the wayward mind" is a good idea or a bad idea? Or would it just be babble to him?
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I've got the PA covered though!
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How do I add a signature to my posts?....
never mind!
Last edited by verysadtime; 04/15/09 06:29 PM.
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