Roo,

Part of the whole concept in being a buyer is seeking solutions for the long haul and not merely a quick fix to get the problem over with and out of the way. That is in fact the difference between a renter and a real buyer. A renter might paint the walls, put up new draperies, even clean the carpet, but will not fix the crack in the foundation or pay to have a new roof put on the house.

An affair destroys a marriage at its foundation. The whole thing falls down and must be rebuilt. It still doesn't have fresh paint on the walls or nice clean carpet, but it really needs to be dismantled and rebuild from the ground up.

FWIW, you don't have to tell him you are willing to do that, Roo. You just have to BE willing to do it. In fact it will not be your words that win him back, but your actions. What you say matters very little. Only what you do from now on will make a difference.

Mark

So only a month past D-day and I should do this? Tell him I'm all in and if he's not file for D? Mindshare...he thinks I'm crazy. Wont this really solidify those thoughts?

Actions. I am trying. He is tolerating me, doesn't really want me around. It's strange because it seems the BS on this site work so hard for their marriage, they want their spouse back. No, not the ugly one who had an A but the one they fell in love with. My H doesn't appear to want me around much, if at all. I have no worth to him.

Roo,

Your perceived value to him is based on what happened. A month after d-day is not the time to be looking for him to be committed. He can't commit right now because he is afraid of being hurt again. On top of that he might be testing the waters with this partner of his and that shows him that he does in fact have options in life.

He is unable to commit until he knows that you really will be all that he wants and needs. That you will be the wife that he has dreamed of and that will remain faithful to him. Frankly, he would be a fool to recommit without some kind of experience with the new you to go on. The old you, the one he was sure he knew betrayed him.

Now as he examines the past he sees signs that he is sure he should have recognized and things that will bring into question all that he once thought was real and true. He can't commit until he knows he can trust you and he questions the trust he once placed in you. He wonders constantly when you decided to betray him. He wonders if any of the history you shared might have ever been real or if it was all just an act so that you could hurt him in the end.

It seems like something insurmountable that you have to overcome, Roo. And if your focus is on trying to convince him by what you say that this time you mean those vows you already broke before it is impossible to overcome.

I do not think this is a lost cause and I don't think pressing for a "hurry up and decide if you want me or not" decision is the way to rekindle the romance with your BH. Show him that YOU are committed and changed. You can't change him, only yourself. Make Roogirl the best Roo that can be and see if he doesn't find himself helplessly attracted to her. That is who he fell in love with once and he can again.

Show him that the real Roo is the wonderful and faithful Roo.

Mark

You're right. Now is not the time to be (nor is it ever) demanding. Besides, I haven't committed, either.


I understand what you're saying here, I really do. I wonder though, can either of us commit when we don't know if we'll be all the other wants and needs. We both often said, "I don't need you but I want you." That has changed for both of us now.


A couple of weeks ago he wanted to know how long the A lasted. I told him: 18 months. So no, not all of our life was a lie and it certainly wasn't an act. There was a very real breakdown in our marriage that neither of us really took a hold of to fix.


Insurmountable. Great word. This *IS* how it feels.


Thank you, Mark. I know you don't post much and I appreciate you taking the time to post here.

All I can think about today is D.

I don't want the house or the lake property or half of his retirement or his pension or half of my loans to be given to him.

I only want my inheritance. That's all.

We have no children.

I moved into the guest bedroom 10 months ago and out of the house five months ago.

Part of me says this is just a low day and another part of me remembers this quote, don't know who said it..."giving up doesn't have to mean your weak; sometimes it means you're strong enough to let go."

Have you made any decisions, Roo?

Thinking of you...

-L4

Hi L4 - no. No decisions made here. I am taking off Thursday and Friday this week to take some time to myself because I'm off to San Francisco all next week for work. I really need to figure this out and start DOING something, no matter what it is. Being passive isn't who I am and I don't like it.

I haven't read your thread...this is the post that made me go "wow"...

It's strange because I see FWW's on this site work so hard for their marriage. Once they choose to stop their wayward perception...stop permitting themselves to continue their DJs.

Try it. You'll like it.

You're still in a wayward state of mind. Instead of appreciating someone you shredded into tiny pieces for 18-months hasn't shut you out of their lives...is deciding what they can and can't take, is phenonmenal.

I think you answered your own question--your BH still hasn't seen the woman he took as his life partner...she's not back yet.

Make her back, Roo. Change your permissions...stop the wayward crud.

LA

The next time I talk to my H I will ask him what I'm worth to him. My bet is on very little. If it turns out I'm wrong I owe you.



You are right. I haven't shown him the woman he took as his partner. Touche.

Crazy low tonight. Not quite suicidal but also keenly aware of the handguns in the closet. Shouldn't be drinking but I am.

Called my H and he wasn't home. Called my girlfriend and my sister. Both have said they're sleeping with their phones. The family you're born into and the family you choose. I am fortunate to have them both in my life.

Roo. I'm here. Talk to me. Talk to anyone. You will get through this. I promise.

Talk to me...

L4 - thank you, thank you, thank you. I was crying in bed last night but I did get your reply on my BlackBerry. And I cried harder. :shrug:

What started all of this off was a friend request on Facebook from a girl I went to HS with. I accepted and then went to her profile to check out how she's been doing. Married, children, vacations, kissy pictures with her hubs (another from our graduating class). It was beautiful. And made me want to tear my face off. I realized that I may have thrown all of those dreams for myself into the trash and I hurt. Occasionally I can pull myself out of a downward spiral but yesterday was not one of those days.

I was able to get in touch with my H last night around midnight. We texted back and forth a bit - I asked him if I could come out to the house. He replied that he was leaving in six hours - why did I want to come out. I said that I was stupid and worthless and he replied that I'm not. He guessed that I was sad. He feels the same way. There are good days and bad days. I texted back that I wish we could comfort each other through the bad days and celebrate together the good ones. He replied, "Me too."

That was it. I called and told him that I miss his stupid jokes ("I hear what you're cluckin' big chicken" rather than "I hear what you're saying") and that I missed fighting with him over the fan in the bedroom (I hate it, he can't sleep without it). I told him that I love him and I want to do my best to make this work. That I miss us. He said that he missed there being an us. I cried and said I was sorry again and again. For the first time he said that our problems weren't all mine to carry alone. He apologized, too.

Was this all just junk? I'm scared that posters are going to come in here and 2x4 me for something... was this ALL bad? I hope not.

I have to travel to San Francisco for work next week and he's off TWT - I asked him if he would like a mini-vacation, said that I would buy the ticket, but he's not interested, saying that it wouldn't be a good idea.

It's starting to become a good idea to call Dr. H and see what he has to say. Several of you have said that one of us has to take the lead and you were always right. I think I'm beginning to find strength to do this.

And as a side note, a good friend of mine is taking the handguns tonight to store indefinitely.

Roo,

Most importanty, I'm sorry that you are feeling so down. There are people here that are thinking about you and are hoping you will feel better soon. Including me!

I think this was a good development. I've been using the 'all in' phrase with you for a while now but there was always alot of hesitation and reluctance on your part. You have broken through that now and have told him what you think, feel and desire. You even saw some small cracks in that wall that he has up with a few of his comments. It seems to me that he is still heavily guarding his heart which is understandable. Keep being the best Roo you can be and keep letting him know how you feel and what your hopes are for the future. Impossible to tell if he will come around or not but as long as you are going 'all in' you should get some answers one way or the other soon. This is important because I think you are really harming yourself and slipping into a depression due to being stuck in this perpetual limbo. Nobody can live like that indefinitely. Keep up with the 'all in' approach and see where that eventually leads.

And you better get those d@mn guns out of the house or I'm personally going to kick your [censored]!!!! NOTHING is worth that. NOTHING!!!!

Mindshare

A rollercoaster. It's definitely a rollercoaster.


There totally was.


TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE.


I am trying to find creative ways to show him my best Roo. I thought of ordering a pizza and having it delivered to his work but then worried about how he would sign the credit card reciept. I'll keep brainstorming.

And of course I hope that he comes to a decision one way or the other soon but I have to remember that we're only 6 weeks past D-Day. I'm not sure it's realistic for him to move that fast.


I see my IC again on the 27th or 28th. I'll talk to her about this if it's still going on and then likely see my medical doctor. I also want to work on quitting smoking as I know my H hates it.


They will be out of the house tonight.

My H sent me a text last night saying, "I hope tonight has been better than last night." I replied that it had been and that I love him. He sent back, "I'm glad."

Is this good? I like to think so.

That sounds pretty good. Sounds like he's letting down the guard a little. I hope you hang in there Roo. I think a marriage deserves your best effort. What else could be more worthwhile?

Thanks, Zen.

It feels a little lonely in here. I watch the "viewed" count go up and up and up and... no one posts. Perhaps the whole thing is too boring. Drama is, well, dramatic. And I'm not.

I had a fairly nice night. After school I came back to my apt. and put laundry away, posted a bit with some friends from HS on FB and ate dinner (a hard boiled egg). My mom is in Seattle visiting my sister so I took the rest of the week off to hang at her house. It will be nice to unwind in my childhood home for a couple of days.

I want to reach out to my H again tonight. Why is it that his "crazy" comment resounds in my head. I don't want to be that crazy woman.

Criminy, I'm thankful as he11 that the INSANE drama of my story seems to have slowed a little. I'm a really calm, level-headed person. We had a very stable home life. Never in a million years would I have imagined the turn my life took over the last few months.

Funny, I've had several meals consisting of hard boiled eggs this week. We boiled a bunch up for the kids before the last spike of drama, then Easter prep kinda got crushed like the last few holidays. Easter itself was very weird. I spent the better part of the day with my wife's family, without my wife, with them telling me to divorce her. Surreal. Anyway, the appetite is so up and down lately. Lighter than I've been since high school.

Eat something! Unless you have some weight to lose, an egg is not gonna sustain you. Better choice than some other 70 calorie items.

Hang in there!

Well, it's good to hear that you were able to have Easter with your family - they're important now more than ever.

Yeah, I think I have to hit up the fridge again. I'm down nearly 20 lbs and 3 sizes since this whole fiasco came to a head. <<off to find food>>

Take care, Zen.