Waywards get PISSED when you expose. It sheds light on their little secret life. Be prepared for angry outbursts when he realizes what you have done.

Exposure is a great tool for ending affairs. Expose, expose, expose.

And snoop, snooop, snoooooop! Find ways to verify his whereabouts. You need to know 100% of what he's doing. Stay strong!

WH came home about 6, way earlier than I expected. He said he was a little upset. I said I thought he would be. We played pool for awhile, and talked normally. He was not as pissed as I thought he would be, which may be a cause for concern. Is he hiding it? Usually when he's mad at me, his attitude gets very closed up.

I've got find out about getting a gps on his phone...

This is the worst experience of my life, as you know yourself, DNU1, but I will be strong!

My WH won't open his mind to the good things we had in our marriage. All he can do is brood and brood about how I abandoned him emotionally and all of my other perceived transgressions. Thinking about these things constantly is only making them worse.

I believe that if he could let go of those things and remember the good stuff, the road to recovery would be easier for both of us.

Any suggestions are most welcome!

I'm sorry you are here. I'm by no means an expert, as I'm just a few months down this hellish road, too, but I offer hugs and an ear, and I can tell you what *I* have experienced.

Did your H have an A? (Do you know for certain?)

It sounds like you are new to here and the concepts herein. I encourage you to dive in and read, read, read. (Or, don't be a dummy like me, if you are busy person with too much on your plate already then just save yourself the frustration and buy the CD's)

Read up on Plan A. Make sure relationship talk isn't constant because it does suck the life out of people. Have you guys done the questionnaires and reviewed or?

((hugs)) I feel your pain, truly. My H used to be such an optimist about all things, and now even though he recognizes my profound changes in ME, he still has been such a dedicated pessimist.

Froggy,
Get the book "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr Harley. Also, "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. Also, read the articles on this site. READ, READ, READ



This statement is a to me. Your WH is blaming you for his A. While you are 50% at fault for the state if your marriage per A, you have no fault in his A.

Was your marriage great for you pre-A? Was he meeting all of your emotional needs? Were you meeting his??

Your WH needs to work with you to change the things in your marriage that allowed him to have the A

I strongly suggest you and your WH taking the Emotional Needs questionnaire. And also the Love Busters one.

You and your WH must determine what your Needs are and what are Love busters for you.

Yes, White, he did have an affair, although I'm convinced it was an EA.

I am new here, and I've been reading and reading, and then reading again. I've also read HNHN, and started on Surviving an Affair.

I'm trying to keep the relationship talk to not every night, but when he wants to talk...

We haven't done the questionnaires yet, I don't think he's quite ready. Probably in a few days.

JoJo - He's not exactly blaming me for his A, although it would not have happened had I not abandoned him emotionally. I mainly see his main fault in not making sure I knew what he was feeling. I mean, he claims this has been building up for 7 years!

At one time, our M was fantastic. We were playmates, lovers and best friends. I left the playmates part unintentionally, and the rest left on its own. I had absolutely no idea things had gone so horribly wrong. Blindsided doesn't even begin to cover it.

I totally relate... right down to the playmates thing even, because all our old "do together" stuff died off when kiddo was born, and then WHAMMO I was blindsided. My famed line is that I would have been less surprised to have been swimming in a lake and hit by a bus.

LF, please re-read the two or three posts you've made in your thread and look for disrespectful judgments. Practice recognizing them so that you can eliminate them. Nobody likes to be told what they think and feel, or how they should think and feel.


DDay was very recent. He is still rewriting history. It is very normal for waywards to only be able to remember the bad parts of the marriage and even think they were never happy in the marriage and that they got married for all the wrong reasons.

Are you sure there is absolutely no contact between WH and OW? That would be my main concern.

All I can offer is what my MIL told me. When you talk to him don't start with the "you don't do this enough" and "you do this to hurt me" but instead lead with "i feel _______." and "I need ________." It will help him feel less like he's getting ridiculed and more like he's hearing about you. Make the conversations as light as possible. Make him want to participate. And ask him what he feels and what he wants. Because as much it doesn't always seem like it, M is a two way street. And sometimes life gets in the way like a traffic jam, and sometimes there are road blocks. You just have to figure out how to get through it.

Oh man, he is super pissed! He adamantly denies an A, when I said that I had seen him at the OW house, he denied that. She is a friend only, one who needs help. (one of reasons a A starts...)

Yesterday, I did a drive by on her house and was seen by someone. WH said a friend who also lives on that street called him, wondering what I was doing there. The odd thing is that no unknown calls were on his cell yesterday...

Verizon is my cell carrier, and today I put Chaperone, a gps, on his phone. I can locate his phone at any time, and it will send me a message if he enters the area around her home.

Today he forgot his phone when he left. At least I hope he forgot it and didn't leave it home intentionally. That would not be good.

Ah, Goddess, a very wise and profound statement.

Whenever I ask what he wants he doesn't know and when I ask how he feels about something, he just doesn't care.

He says he's gotten used to being alone and enjoys that very much. However, it just occurred to me - if that's so, then why did he ever mention it to begin with? He must have wanted me to do something, wouldn't you think?

I put a gps on his cell today. We'll see what that shows...

Since it seems you can't trust his friends to help you, my #1 advice would be to spend the money to hire a PI to follow him for a week. That way, you'll have your answer one way or another, and will know how to proceed.

Does he use a computer? If so, do you have a keylogger installed on it?

I feel for you...

I would suggest (as was suggested to me) that you try to have one thread going, so that all your info can be followed. You'll find that some of the longtimers will then adopt you and work to pull you through your stuff and his. There are about 3 that follow me, and I love them and feel like they are family, and I've only really been here since the beginning of the year. Frankly, my own real family wouldn't take the time and energy they have.

Edited to add- I need to learn more about the GPS features on cells. WH carries a prepaid cell...

I have thought of a PI, Cat, but WH is out in the tules 98% of each day, and anyone following or even shadowing him would stand out worse than a sore thumb. What I need is one of those high altitude robot TV planes. LOL

He doesn't use a computer; but I did put a gps on his cell today. It will show me within a 1/4 mile where he is. It will also alert me if he gets near the house of the OP.

Do you know how I would combine my two threads, White? As you say, that would probably work better.

Check your WH's cell carrier Web site, you should be able to find info about gps on his prepaid there. I know it can be done, I just don't know how. I was assured by several people that my WH will never know it's on his phone.

I'd say just pick one and stop using the other. That's what I did. If there is some vital history in the one you are abandoning, copy and paste into a quote box on the thread you keep.

No offense, lf, but how do you know this? When I first read this, my FIRST thought was - Wow, what an amazing excuse to have, to be able to screw around on your wife without her being suspicious!

How about this? How about, just for grins, to humor US, just for this week, you go into factfinding mode and put away all those assumptions you have of what he is doing? If after the week, you find nothing, we will drop the subject and move forward with your marriage's other issues? What do you have to lose?

I should be able to determine his location with the gps on his cell now.

Do you have any other suggestions on factfinding, Cat?
You're entirely right - I do need more information.

Thanks!

Then I suggest you tell him he better figure it out, (as nicely as possible) Tell him that he needs to figure out what he wants so that you can decide your future as a couple. But if he is not willing to do that, then you have two choices 1) stay and keep things the way they are hoping he will change, or 2) start living for you and start making yourself happy and hope he wants to join in on the happiness, or ok there is 3) get out while you still have some of your sanity. At the moment it looks like those are your options, to me. Because you can't live for him forever.

Be careful with the Verizon Chaperone, it will alert him when you locate him. We have this, GM suggested it because I already knew what he had been up to and I wanted another way to be certain he was not up to it again. He knows when I use it. You need to check if you don't want him to know you are snooping.