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His response: I'm not going to leave the co. I have no say in what the OW & OWH do. If she leaves, I don't care. If she stays, I don't care... If you are or have been trying to get one of us fired, that will not work." Does he know that you have exposed at work? TO WHOM have you exposed the afffair there? Was it OFFICIALLY exposed to the Director of Human Resources? Yes to the VP of HR and to WH's boss.
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He just said that he doesn't believe for a second that I love him. That during my E I didn't tell anyone that I loved him (wrong I did). That he is stretched as thin as he can get. That I need to stop trying to control and manipulate him. That if I want to guarantee that our M ends, to keep doing what I'm doing. This is nothing more than a manipulation to get you to SHUT UP and back down. vst, you need to prepare for Plan B. I haven't gotten to do very much Plan A at all.....How soon do you think and how will I know when it's time?
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His response: I'm not going to leave the co. I have no say in what the OW & OWH do. If she leaves, I don't care. If she stays, I don't care... If you are or have been trying to get one of us fired, that will not work." Does he know that you have exposed at work? TO WHOM have you exposed the afffair there? Was it OFFICIALLY exposed to the Director of Human Resources? Yes to the VP of HR and to WH's boss. He was called into their office and spoken to. Oh he knows and I think it's hit the rumor mill (his boss has a huge mouth  ) and he's suffering with that. He's also suffering with the OWH calling with threats.
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He just said that he doesn't believe for a second that I love him. That during my E I didn't tell anyone that I loved him (wrong I did). That he is stretched as thin as he can get. That I need to stop trying to control and manipulate him. That if I want to guarantee that our M ends, to keep doing what I'm doing. This is nothing more than a manipulation to get you to SHUT UP and back down. vst, you need to prepare for Plan B. I haven't gotten to do very much Plan A at all.....How soon do you think and how will I know when it's time? 3 to 4 weeks of Plan A is all it should take. I would start working on your letter and getting all your ducks in a row NOW. You will need to designate an intermediary and be prepared to block him from getting through. I GUARANTEE you that your H will flip out when you go dark because he will not like losing control of you. Can you withstand that? Some women are just too weak to withstand the control of a wayward spouse.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He just said that he doesn't believe for a second that I love him. That during my E I didn't tell anyone that I loved him (wrong I did). That he is stretched as thin as he can get. That I need to stop trying to control and manipulate him. That if I want to guarantee that our M ends, to keep doing what I'm doing. This is nothing more than a manipulation to get you to SHUT UP and back down. vst, you need to prepare for Plan B. I haven't gotten to do very much Plan A at all.....How soon do you think and how will I know when it's time? 3 to 4 weeks of Plan A is all it should take. I would start working on your letter and getting all your ducks in a row NOW. You will need to designate an intermediary and be prepared to block him from getting through. I GUARANTEE you that your H will flip out when you go dark because he will not like losing control of you. Can you withstand that? Some women are just too weak to withstand the control of a wayward spouse. Wow, I've never thought of him as having control of me, at least knowingly....I don't see him that way. My DD has a phone of her own so he will be free to contact her. The other problem with that is our financials are on this computer and he does everything online. I could just set a time for him to be here to do that and I won't be here. I can't file for a separation because that would forego a D on A grounds. I need to hang on to that card. I don't mean to throw gliches in already but a dark plan B will be hard to accomplish.
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Wow, I've never thought of him as having control of me, at least knowingly....I don't see him that way. He has complete control of this situation and when you tell him he is not to contact you, he will flip. My DD has a phone of her own so he will be free to contact her. In the letter, you would want to propose a visitation schedule. In fact, you might want to get something set up now. The other problem with that is our financials are on this computer and he does everything online. I could just set a time for him to be here to do that and I won't be here. That cannot work, vst. He would need to do it from another computer. He can't be coming in the house AT ALL after you go dark or this will defeat the purpose. I don't mean to throw gliches in already but a dark plan B will be hard to accomplish. Just be creative. People do this every day with no problem. You just have to be creative.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Plan B should emulate a DIVORCE and give him a taste of what it will be as a divorced man.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The other problem with that is our financials are on this computer and he does everything online. I could just set a time for him to be here to do that and I won't be here.
That cannot work, vst. He would need to do it from another computer. He can't be coming in the house AT ALL after you go dark or this will defeat the purpose. In order to do the financials from another computer, I will have to ask him (or tell him) to transfer this stuff to another computer which would have to be his work computer as we only have this one. This is something that he may not agree to, well, probably won't agree to as it is quite an undertaking. I'm just thinking out loud here but that is going to be an issue....
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I mean I would imagine that when you send the Plan B letter, you are prepared to shut everything off at that point. This computer thing will take some planning ahead and involve his cooperation.
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The other problem with that is our financials are on this computer and he does everything online. I could just set a time for him to be here to do that and I won't be here.
That cannot work, vst. He would need to do it from another computer. He can't be coming in the house AT ALL after you go dark or this will defeat the purpose. In order to do the financials from another computer, I will have to ask him (or tell him) to transfer this stuff to another computer which would have to be his work computer as we only have this one. This is something that he may not agree to, well, probably won't agree to as it is quite an undertaking. I'm just thinking out loud here but that is going to be an issue.... vst, your finances will have to be separated anyway in a separation. What about him putting a set amount in your account and you paying the bills? How would it be done if you were getting divorced? That is the question you should ask yourself. Just keep thinking until you find a creative solution. People go into Plan B every day.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'll be thinking about it but our's are a lot more involved as we own properties that bring in monthy income and require management, etc. I really don't have any idea how it would be split in a divorce.....But I'll come up with something.
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I'll be thinking about it but our's are a lot more involved as we own properties that bring in monthy income and require management, etc. I really don't have any idea how it would be split in a divorce.....But I'll come up with something. vst, even if you have to give him this computer, I would be prepared to do this. HE can't be coming in the house when you are in Plan B. He will need to continue to pay the bills, give you spending money, though. When he picks up your DD for visitation, he would stay in the car and not come inside. She would need to be coached not to hand you the phone if he calls and asks for you. Do you have anyone in mind who could be your intermediary? Ideally, it will be a person who can remain NEUTRAL and who will support your Plan B. Their job is to only pass on pertinent information about finances and children. They would be a spam filter.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The OWH has called him twice with "veiled threats" he says. He he now has strained relationships with a few people at work. "I'm sorry that your AFFAIR has made things uncomfortable for you at work."
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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The OWH has called him twice with "veiled threats" he says. "Wow, I'm shocked! Who woulda thought a man could get so mad when he discovers his WIFE is screwing another man!!!"
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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The OWH has called him twice with "veiled threats" he says. That is very restrained of the OWH to just give him "veiled threats." Your H has done much worse to the OWH by screwing his wife and deserves much more from him. I would tell your H that he should be GRATEFUL that is all the OWH is doing to him since he has done SO MUCH MORE TO HIM. Your H is lucky he has not been beat up for what he has done to this man.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The OWH has called him twice with "veiled threats" he says. That is very restrained of the OWH to just give him "veiled threats." Your H has done much worse to the OWH by screwing his wife and deserves much more from him. I would tell your H that he should be GRATEFUL that is all the OWH is doing to him since he has done SO MUCH MORE TO HIM. Your H is lucky he has not been beat up for what he has done to this man. Mel, I know! If it wouldn't be LBing, and I think it would...., I'd tell him that and so much more! He's blaming all of this "discomfort" on my being mislead into thinking a mass intervention was a good idea. He warned me once again to leave the OWH alone as it is only pouring gas on the fire. It makes me want to call the OW just because I sooooo have a right to tell her what I think. I'm still thinking about what I might say.
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I would tell your H that he should be GRATEFUL that is all the OWH is doing to him since he has done SO MUCH MORE TO HIM. Your H is lucky he has not been beat up for what he has done to this man. vst, this is not LBing. You want to avoid doing it in an angry tone, but you certainly can tell him that he is VERY FORTUNATE that HIS actions with OWH haven't brought on more problems than a phone call.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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The key is to not let it turn into a love buster after that.
He will respond with some fog babble, and you must either reverse babble it back to him or not respond.
Disengage and refuse to argue. Refuse to lose control of your emotions in his presence.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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"I'm sorry that your AFFAIR ADULTERY has made things uncomfortable for you at work."
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[quote=MelodyLane] It makes me want to call the OW just because I sooooo have a right to tell her what I think. I'm still thinking about what I might say. Personally, I would do this right now while she is feeling the pressure of exposure at work and at home. I would tell her that you are committed to saving your family, and that you are prepared to sue her for alienation of affection. Tell her she will be named in your divorce case as the affair partner and she will be called in for depositions and to testify in court about her adulterous affair with a married man. If you decide to call, WRITE IT DOWN before you call. Your emotions will rattle your mind, and if you are like me, you won't be able to think clearly. By writing it down, you can make your point, stay in control of the conversation and yourself, and then hang up immediately. DO NOT let her have a say. NOT ONE WORD.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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