That's what I thought when I read your story. So I agree with those who say that you need to spend some time together. It doesn't seem like he's mad at all??? Just used to not being with you. That occurred to me when you said that you called him to get together and talk and he was busy fishing or something? (That was at the beginning of your story).

I agree about the work schedule thing, that is going to be tough. I agree with oceanspray, that he doesn't seem to care anymore. I would guess that at this point everyone he know will tell him to just move on, seems like he has already grieved the loss.

Maybe you should try to get a response from him. Do you think he would respond to a letter? If you wrote down your thoughts and asked him perhaps he would give you some idea as to where he is emotionally?

Totally dedicated lurker but you asked for it .....

So first of all if your BH were my son (and he could be since I was married in 1969 )

I would for sure advise him to divorce ASAP and move on with his life.

That said I 'm going to tell you a secret to a good life ....

Screw work , if your schedules are out of kilter quit your job and get ANY one that will allow YOU to spend every minute that he will allow WITH him (to romance HIM).

IF you don't do that forget it , someone else will.
And they will deserve him.
Sorry in this life you have to decide what's important.

A JOB isn't... your mate IS .

I'd work at McDonalds to keep my wife if I had too .

I was "trying" from the get go. I wasn't going to eat crap forever but our recovery was slow and steady at the outset and then accelerated thanks to getting my wife on MB. She took it from there.

If you can get him to agree to the roadtrip together that's a first step. I don't know about pulling out the CD as he may be defensive about it (as though you are saying HE needs to work on things). Get it and bring it along and you MAY find the opportunity to present it and listen to it together, but other than that...use the weekend/roadtrip to demonstrate your changes and make deposits so that later you can begin recovery. He's got to decide he wants to TRY first.

Perhaps presenting my "If we are going to potentially divorce anyway...let's enjoy the summer, get to really know each other better, and go out with a bang." "Let's not remember "the end" distastefully". Hopefully, during this period you'll be making love deposits with your Plan A without any withdrawals (love busters)...demonstrating YOUR changes and hope that's enough to lure him to committing to "trying". THEN...you whip out that recovery requires a plan and try to get him on board with it.

You are likely still somewhat foggy. It's going to take a concerted effort on your part to avoid the common pitfalls of the (former) wayward attempting to lead recovery. Rule number one...SHUT UP AND LISTEN. You walked all over the marriage by committing adultery...you are likely the last person in the world he wants marriage advice from. Instead focus on YOUR actions...because your words mean squat to him. DON'T try to teach him anything. LISTEN to him. Acknowledge him and if you feel the need to argue with him or try to justify your "position" ....TAKE A BREATHER and indicate you are having difficult feelings regarding his statements/position and would like time to think about it before responding. Don't be defensive. Sure the marriage wasn't great pre-affair and some of that is his fault but let HIM recognize that himself. That's HIS crap that HE has to own on his own.

Practice being SLOW to speak and remember men don't have the emotional vocabulary that women have so you are likely better off avoiding engaging in serious discussion (until he's committing to it...[afterthough...plus, you make him feel like a man and LEADING a recovery himself...get the book I think is called "Wild at Heart" which is a Christian book about the nature of men). Men want happy easy going wives for the most part. Don't mess that up by forcing conversation.

Finally...remember...he'll mess up. Be VERY slow to anger as he doesn't have to be with you at all and he's never been betrayed before so he WILL say stupid things. Give him a lot of slack....NO ANGRY OUTBURSTS.

As far as boundaries go....picture yourself as a fenced in backyard right next to his fenced in backyard. You don't go over the fence to fix his backyard you focus on making yours beautiful and lush. Hopefully, he'll be attracted to your yard and come over to figure out how you got yours so green and nice. You assist him with information and discussion but he's still responsible for tending his own yard. Stay off the fence.

Mr. Wondering

So much to think about. Road trip seems to be a good idea to ask about. I'm not sure he's there yet but it's worth a shot.

Thanks, Six.

Lots of people think he should cut-bait. I get that. I don't like it but I understand.

He works nights on a rotating shift (6 days on, 3 off) and I work a traditional 40 hour work week, M-F. I know that he can't move to days...likely can't for another 7 months at the very earliest. As for me moving to nights...we need my income and I couldn't make what I'm making and still get by.

It's weird. He's not gotten mad at me once. Like I keep saying, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop but I'm not sure he's that emotional to do that - get angry about this.

I think I wanted to see him but he was fishing in the morning, or had been fishing and was tired. But yes, we were both used to not seeing each other even a year ago and it's definitely gotten more pronounced.

He says there are good days and bad days. I thought that meant there are days when he thinks he wants to try and days when he wants to walk. I'll ask him to clarify that the next time I see him - good point.

Sooner or later we have to figure out where we each stand.

I'm really not sure. Anything is worth a try at this point. I do have to be patient though. He's not quick to action on anything.

Thanks oceanspray...

Yikes - I wonder..should I go back and count the "cut your losses" votes?

Thank you.

Your BH does not know what to believe when he thinks about you. He did not know about the PA. That you were involved with the OM when you moved out. He does not know why the PA ended. Does not know if you dumped the OM. Or the OM dumped you. Which makes BH wonder then are you back with him because you want to or have no other place to go.

You are keeping your BH in the dark on these important points. You woun't even address these things with us. People that don't know you.

What is there to be afraid for us to know?

RG how are you today?

I just wanted to quickly say I feel there may be something to the thoughts expressed that you and your H were so disconnected that your going was a 'oh well' for your H. Not that he wanted it but in the end what was the negative for him? Probably right then not much.

His reluctance to engage with you is likely both a self defence reaction and a 'well you got what you wanted go away' thing.

To get him engaged could be difficult and to perhaps paint him into a corner to respond now about fighting for the marriage is very likely to result in a 'no way'.

Right now this could be how he really feels or it could be a response to your moving out and the affair.

If he would go on a road trip that could be a start... but I feel it is going to be at a snails pace before he even knows what he really wants.

With all due respect, TheRoad, you admitted in your first post here that this thread is too long to read.

He DOES know that I was involved with the OM when I moved out. He DOES know why the A ended.

I have said to him that I will answer any and all questions he asks, and I have. He will ask about things at his own pace, I can't and won't force them on him. What I've read is that it's up to each BS to decide what they want to know.

I wish I was at home and not in San Francisco. Today is my H's first of 3 days off and I would have liked to be there with him. I offered for him to come here and he said no.


Exactly.


Thank you, aussieswife. If I can get him to talk with me and spend time with me would be a big step - not in any direction in particular, but a big step.

Roo,

Have you decided for yourself that you are 100% committed to fixing your M? If you are at all on the fence then it would be very cruel to pull your BH back into this.

I have seen cases where the WW realizes that she is actually going to lose her hold over the BH and then goes back to keep him on the leash. Please don't do that.

Sorry, but I thought you said that you didn't want BH to know why you broke up with the OM. Why did you and the OM end it?

I've been thinking alot about this since the beginning of the year and moreso since D-Day. I have a counseling appointment in a week and would like to discuss my feelings a little more before choosing a route.

I understand your train of thought though I have never had a "hold" over my husband or kept him on the leash. Quite the opposite, I'd say. Each of us had either too long a leash or no leash at all.

I told him: "I have acted like a whore for nearly two years. It ends today." And it did.

Roo,

You had a 2 year affair in a 6 year marriage?