This is my first post, but I've been a lurker on here for over a month. I'm looking for some guidance. Here's my story: On March 6th my wife told me she wanted out of the marriage. She was unhappy. I was shocked as she blind-sided me with this. Our marriage wasn't perfect, but I never thought that it would come to this. Everyone was very shocked as we were considered a great couple. Many things didn't make sense to me and friends and family said the same. She didn't want to try and reconcile. She wasn't talking to her close friends and her mom. I talked to many people to try and figure out what to do and what was happening. I had some suspicions that she could be having an affair, but I think I was in denial initially. A few weeks later (about two weeks ago), I gathered enough evidence to prove the affair, and I confronted her about it in a long letter. Up to that point I wanted to reconcile the marriage and get back to normal. I was willing to do anything. I was essentially following something like the Plan A. She didn't deny the affair when I confronted her with the proof.

My prolem now is that every day since I exposed the affair (didn't do the best job with exposure because I didn't know if I wanted her back), I've felt like I just want to give up and move on. I've been reading enough of the posts here on Marriage Builders to understand that is fairly normal. I actually feel better when I don't see my wife and I don't communicate with her. Lately I jus get upset and angry when I think of her and what she has done to me. I guess there is a very small part of me that still wants her back, but for the most part I feel like giving up and throwing in the towel. I'm religious (Catholic) and I don't really believe in divorce, but I know from a practical standpoint I can't let this mess screw up my life too much and there is only so much I can do to try and get her back.

Some other important information: My MIL has been a big help and provided support to me through all this. She doesn't approve of my wife's behavior and is upset about the affair. She is on my side for the most part. The only other person I exposed the affair to is the OM's wife. They have been separated since mid-February. It hurt her to know what happened but she wasn't that surprised because of his past behavior. From what she tells me the OM is very good at impressing women, but he has a dark side. He is an alcoholic, has done drugs (cocaine), and has been physically and emotionally abusive in the past. some serious deep issues with this guy I realize she might be bitter and resentful, but I think she is telling me the truth about his past. It greatly worries me what my wife is getting herself into. I think she got caught up very quickly with this guy. I know my wife was communicating with him while he was deciding to end his own marriage, so I guess this is how their relationship began. I've shared the information with my MIL and she is also very concerned. My MIL is going to try and talk to my wife again and ask her to slow down with her decisions, try some couseling, and hopefully get her back on track. As you can imagine, my wife is in a heavy fog. She is so caught up in her emotions and is also so stubborn that she won't listen to anyone that has an opinion different from her. She is so angry for me getting friend and family involved in this whole mess (which I know is to be expected as she blames me for everything that has happened).

I'm not sure what to do at this point. My wife stay with the OM several night a week (usually weekends and a weekday or two, and then stays at our house in the middle of the week. I thought I could handle it, but I don't think its healthy for me. It's starting to effect me too much.

Should I try to limit communication and contact with her as much as possible (similar to a Plan B)? I don't see how I can cut all contact due to financial reasons - we are still living in the same house and have two dogs to take care of. Seems like too many logistical problems. I should note that my wife is already looking for another job close to where the OM lives (about 2 hrs away) and she sid she wants to find an apartment near there (but I suspect she migh just try and move in with the the OM in his apartment). So this might make it a little easier to cut communication, but in the meantime what do I do?

Any guidance on what to do here?

Welcome to MB, I'm sorry you find yourself here, but I can assure you that it's the best place under the circumstances.

I have been here and learned so much. Weekends are not as active but I see that many of the vets are around posting. They are way much better as the logistics of helping you decide what your course of action will be.

You can save your M, you can have a better than ever before M if you want. Please listen to what people tell you. It may seem weird, go against the grain of what you understand, but they have walked before you and understand.

I can offer you how to work the Plans, I just am not the greatest at know what to do first. Hang tight, I'll be around seeing if I can help.

So sorry you are here, Joe. But the first thing I would do is expose this affair to EVERYONE. To all of your family, friends, children, his family, your pastor, etc. Affairs thrive on secrecy so this kind of wide spread exposure will hasten its death.

Secondly, her going off to shack up with the OM while living with you is profoundly abusive and cruel. I would ask her to control herself while she still lives at home. If she continues to do this, tell her right in front of your children where she is going: ie: off to shack up in an adulterous affair. Everyone should know she is doing this.

The point is to make as much trouble as possible in the affair. It is also a good idea to meet with the OM and ask him "what are you intentions with my wife" and let him know that you will fight for your marriage and will not make things easy in any potential court proceedings. For example, if you live in an alienation of affection state and/or a fault state, let him know he will be called into court to testify about his affair.

Let him also know that he will be perpetually hated by your children so there is no future in his affair.

Make as much trouble as possible, Joe! Here is an outline of Plan A, but in the meantime, you should get your hands on Surviving an Affair by Dr Willard Harley:

The Carrot and the Stick of Plan A


The carrot of Plan A

Meeting your wandering spouse's emotional needs.

Making "home" a warm and inviting place to be.

Placing emphasis on what has worked in the marriage.

Showing consistent self improvement in areas where previously lacking.

Stop lovebusting behaviors.

Communicating with a calm reassuring voice and relaxed body language, even in the center of a verbal storm created by the infidel.

Becoming the person any reasonable spouse would want to come home to.

Remaining open to the possibility of recovery.

Offering forgiveness and understanding.


The stick of Plan A

Exposing adultery where it matters most. Exposure that takes the form of a swift and sudden unexpected tsunami of truth.

Not apologizing for exposure or speaking the truth in a kind yet direct way.

Directly communicating the hurt and devastation that the affair has caused.

Not accepting blame for the infidel's choice to become adulterous.

Let the consequences of adultery and infidelity fall freely upon the heads of the adulterous.

Establishing boundaries that disallow the affair to effect children of the marriage, financal security of the marriage, and otherwise ruin innocent bystanders.

Standing up to infidelity as a beast that must be slayed for the good of the family.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Plan A is both a *carrot* and a *stick*.

Honestly it sounds like she is playing you both. If I were you I would first and foremost decide if you want your marriage to work. And if you do, tell her that she needs to forget about this other guy and be your wife. Do you have any children? Because that makes a lot of difference in what you do. Be aware of her state when she is home, (meaning) is she drinking and doing drugs with him? She sounds like she is confused about what she wants. Make sure that you both want the same thing. Make sure that you aren't fighting a losing battle. Stay strong and be the best husband you can. Don't let her walk all over you or try to manipulate you. Tell her you want to do something on the weekend, an activity that you both used to love doing. Help her remember that you were once happy, and show her that you can be again.

GoddessLacey, with all due respect, what does this have to do with Marriage Builders concepts? How in the world would he "want the same thing" as a wayward who is high on the addiction of an affair? This advice makes no sense. Do you understand this man is here to get help from MARRIAGE BUILDERS? He is here to learn about MARRIAGE BUILDERS and I don't recognize anything you have posted here.

Where does MB EVER say to "make sure you both want the same thing" when dealing with a wayward? How is that even possible? The advice you are doling out here resembles nothing I have ever seen from Dr Harley. Can you source it?

A little more information that might help.

We have been married just shy of five years. No children. Currenty she has no desire to try and reconcile the marriage. She wants to be with the OM. I really don't think she know much if anything about his addictions and his part behaviors. And even if she does, I think the OM might be telling her that he only did that stuff because of the way his wife treated him. Like it wasn't his fault. And he won't do it again.

I didn't see the point in exposing the affair to everyone unless I wanted her back. I'm not sure if I want her back. Part of me does, but that part gets less and less every day. It's just so painful at times. One part of me feels bad for what she got caught up in, but on the other hand I don't know if I could ever trust her again. She just seems so incapable of changing her ways. She is so stubborn.

I'm sure there is plenty more to the story, so please feel free to ask for any clarification. It's just hard to think sometimes and put everthing into words.

A young M and no children? My advice would be to cut your losses. Recovery is HARD work.

I know what you mean. I'm 31, so I know it would be possible to start over again. But I also feel like I have invested a lot over the years.

Joe,

You shouldn't make any major decisions right now. Your emotions are all over the place. Give yourself 6 months working the plans here. This will give you plenty of time to decide what you want to do.

By then you will have an answer.

5 years is not a lot.

I've got over 25 years "invested" in my current relationship. And we've been M'd for almost 18 years. And we have 2 children.

I'm 4 years into recovery this May. Frankly, if God was to give me a "reset" button that gave me the option to go back and choose to walk away when she first showed me that she was capable of cheating - I'd be pressing that button in an instant.

So, my advice would be - don't find yourself in 20 years where I find myself now. Walk away.

MIM - do you consider yourself and your wife in recovery or are you (you-you and both of you) staying for the children?

I wouldn't say that I'm just "staying for the children". I suspect she might be, but it's difficult to read my FWW at times. As for our M, things are a LOT better now than they were a few years ago, however frankly I'd rather have an M that didn't feature infidelity at all. That she actually CHOSE to engage in something like that means that I will likely never be able to trust her again like I used to, and my thoughts and plans for the future have to take that into consideration.

MIM your WW has consistently refused to do any work in recovery and I suspect that says more about your recovery than anything and it certainly colours your views.

I wouldn't say that. She has tried in her own way.

Don't get me wrong - I do love my FWW. But Ms require a bit more than that, don't they?

I think my mindset might be a bit like Krazy's though when it comes to infidelity in an M. The "problem" may be more with me than my FWW.

I guess if you add the time we dated and were engaged the total is just under 8 years. I realize that compared to many here on the forums its not a lot of time, but its about a quarter of my entire life.

I'm wondering if I just need to slow down and think about things more. As someone said previously, my emotions are likely all over the place. Emotions are likely what got my wife into her affair. It wasn't her mind or heart, because deep down inside she knows it was wrong. I don't want to fall victim to my own emotions like she did and make any rash decisions.

I just feel like I'm enabling the affair to continue too easily. I need to decide when to stop be so nice and pleasant, and stop the contact with her (as much as possible/practical).

I feel bad for my MIL. She is widowed and lost her husband about 6 month after my wife and I started dating. My wife is any only child, so she is really all her mom has right now. This mess has put some distance between the two of them. I feel like if I just give up trying, I'm failing not only myself and my marriage, but I'm also hurting my MIL. Family is important to her and I'm sure she wants to see the best for my wife, and probably some grandchildren some day.

I'm a little worried that maybe I'll regret it someday that I gave up and didn't fight or put enough effort into repairing things. That's why I'm so confused as to how to proceed.

I will admit that I've learned SO MUCH about myself, marriage issues, and relationships in general over the past month through talking, reading, research, and writing. At least that is one good thing that has come from this mess. I wish I could say the same about my wife. Not only has she learned nothing, but she has likely taken a step back.

Another question/thought: Is it wrong for me to have what I would call revenge thoughts? When I'm feeling depressed or angry I always think about the day that will come when my wife realizes the truth about the OM and who he really is, and also the day when the OM realizes the issues that my wife has never dealt with. Or when the OM does the same thing (has an affair) that my wife did to me. I know its cruel to think this way, but at least it makes me feel a little better.

There is nothing cruel or vengeful about wanting mean people to experience the consequences of their actions. Consequences are a GIFT that help people change their lives. There is nothing cruel about wanting them to face the likely consequences of their actions.

Joe, I would strongly suggest exposing the affair and going through the motions of Plan A. You can decide LATER if you want to stay married when things have calmed down somewhat. But exposure is a benefit to EVERYONE INVOLVED. It helps the adulterers, helps you and it helps those who interact with them better understand who they are. You can't lose either way when you expose.

Joe,
Your WW is living in a fantasy right now. Stats show that most A's die in two years. And the ones that don't end and they get M, also end in D within a few years(a very high rate). A's are fantasies.

Read about Plan A and plan B.

What is Plan A and Plan B?

You should be doing plan A if you want to try to save your M.

Reread the post from MelodyLane with the Carrot and the Stick of Plan A. Work it. Give yourself a timeframe that you will be in Plan A. Improve you and work at eliminating LBs in your M. Try to meet her ENs when and if you can. Learn to be the best man that you can be. THAT will stay with you the rest of your life no matter what happens to your M.

Then when your timeframe is up go to plan B. That will mean you cease contact with her COMPLETELY. But don't worry about that just yet. Start with plan A.

By the time you have completed the plans, you'll know if you still want the M or not and you'll know you did everything you could to save it. Looking in the mirror won't be a problem for you. You will have done the right thing.




Absolutely not, BUT don't act on them. We all have had revenge thoughts and a few have acted on the and made the situation MUCH worse. Try to keep those thoughts in control and do what NEEDS to be done, the right way.

BTW, you're not alone. We've been there. Keep posting.

ITA with Mel....EXPOSE

Joe,

This is a POWERFUL message from MIM, and you should probably think long and hard about the amount of pain that he has endured so he could share this message with you.

As a fellow BH, I concur with MIM ... short M ... no children ... young ... START OVER with someone who is better MARRIAGE MATERIAL.

Also, for you own peace of mind ... the next time she jaunts off to OM's for the weekend ... CHANGE THE LOCKS and drop off her personal belongings at your MIL's.

NO MAN should have to accept the level of ABUSE where his WW rubs his face in her ADULTERY by brazenly trotting off to the OM's with her BH having full knowledge of where she's going.

It's bad enough when they sneak around, but its much WORSE when they rub your face in their A.

Cut WW off from you financially. Do not finance her A. Get a another bank account and deposit your paycheck there. Take at least half the money in the existing account and put it in your new one. Since POSOM does drugs the last thing you want is for WW to be giving him money. If WW doesn't know about the drug use he can still ask her to "borrow" money because his mean BW is greedy and not giving him any money. I'd expose to everyone as well as tell them about OM's drug use and all his other charming personality traits.

It's too soon to know what you want. You'll want a recovered M in the morning and want to kick WW to the curb by lunch. No hurry to decide if you want to file D but you need to protect yourself financially. If she moves abruptly will you have to move out of your current apartment?

Did OM's BW say anything about OM leaving their home?