Why don't you give your phone to Spartan until you get the number changed? You can go without a phone until then, can't you?

Ok, first kudos for the very honest answer of leaving the door open for contact. ACKNOWLEDGED. Next *whack* with a 2x4 for not changing your number N O W. Not tonight, not tomorrow, not soon N O W! I do this for a living, hon. It takes all of 5 minutes with your cell phone provider to change it. DO IT NOW!

Next, acknowledge your depression was perhaps some left over withdrawl. You need to be honest with yourself and spartan. You have had some left over longings for OM, we have all seen it pop up now and then. You need to close off every single possible avenue for contact and have a PLAN! A plan for what to do if contact should occur. Who do you call? What do you do? Involve spartan in the creation of this plan!

He doesn't even want to look at me right now which is understandable. I am here with him and have my phone on full volume and he knows who I am talking to. So far, it's been a bill collector, one of the girls from church and Mrs. W. Do you know if I can have a number blocked? I'm with Verizon.

Do you think Dr. Harley will still counsel with me if Spartan isn't willing?

I have to admit that I'm very afraid right now. The clock is back at zero and those healing wounds are now ripped right back open again, all under my own stupidity.

Spartan said he wants me to get help. I have called my GP about antidepressants but she won't be back until Wed. so I need to wait until then. I see her Friday anyway. I have a request in to Dr. Harley and I plan on calling our marriage counselor today to admit what I did. Same thing will happen tonight at our church recovery group.

I have to take DS2 to the pediatrician today at 3:30 for his kinder physical and will need a phone buddy to stay on the trip with me in case he doesn't want to to. Chances are, he won't. I've killed him again.

VERIZON BLOCKS NUMBERS!! I'm doing that right now.

Change your number anyway! He will realize he's blocked and will use a different phone! and it will happen all over again.

You aren't back at zero - you are in the negative range. He was probably starting to feel like things are improving and you stabbed him in the heart. Stay strong and do whatever he needs to start over.

I'm pretty certain that he won't ever contact me again, but if that will ensure that he doesn't, I will.

There is only one loophole that he will be able to get through and that is the work e-mail address. I can have him blocked, but he can still e-mail me from another address. I have every other Fri. off and on our out of the office replies, we are required to put our cell numbers on there.

This is 100% accurate. I just got his number blocked and am no longer scared of my phone. It was the bain of my existance.

Is there any BW here who will be a phone buddy with me while I take DS2 to his appt? I know this sounds ridiculous, but I don't want to take ANY risks or have ANY questions.

Sparky,

I'm disappointed...

Oh boy this is hard to type. But I've re-read the last couple of weeks of your thread, Sparky, and I have to ask you this. I am not asking out of malice, but am asking because I want you to really look at yourself.

Was this action of responding to the messages from OM a way of pushing Spartan to react so you can be done?

You've been making a lot of on-the-fence statements lately about how different you two are, how he's treated your children, his anger, and how you've thought of divorced life. In the scenario that played out today, you didn't initiate the contact with OM so you can say, "Well, I didn't reach out to him, he contacted me first." And when you two talked for 30 minutes, you could tell yourself, "He said it was serious so I HAD to." But you also know that contacting OM in anyway might be the deal-breaker for your H. Yet you did it anyway, even though you state here you have no desire to get together with OM.

So were you using OM as a way to make Spartan want to leave?

Even if you didn't wake up today looking to renew contact with OM, you didn't run from it once the opportunity came about. But you have before.

I wonder if deep down you want the M to end but you don't want to be the one to do the dirty work. You're trying to encourage Spartan to do it for you.

???

As am I Mark....as am I.

Is Sparty enthusiastic about YOU counseling with Steve? (FYI: Steve is Steve...a counselor, not a PhD...He's still fabulous, but you don't call him Dr. Harley...His sister Jennifer is a PhD - her name is Dr. Chalmers)

Yes, Steve will counsel you alone...

Mrs. W

P.S. Good post L4...I wonder the same...

I need to look straight into the mirror and take some serious personal inventory of my life.


No, I don't think so. It was purely out of selfish motives to find out what he had to say to me. I was still going through withdrawal and I allowed him to contact me while I was weak by not changing my number back in Dec.


The fence sitting has been going on for a while no doubt. Even prior to the affairs because my EN's weren't being met and I didn't step up to the plate then and healthily ask for them to be fulfilled. I've left my love bank open long enough for someone to finally come along and fill it up. Makes me sick that my bank was filled with dirty money. I completely threw my boundaries out and blasted through like no tomorrow. The result was exactly what I deserved. An azz chewing from him (which in the end, who gives a flying flip) and from everyone who truly matters.....Spartan, my church friends, my MB friends and myself.


No. I made a critical error in panicked judgement. I do not in any way want Spartan to leave me at all...ever. If he chooses to leave me, that will be his choice but I will not file. I'll take any measure to make it work. If that means that I need to keep a log of when I leave my desk to go to the restroom or bring one of my coworkers with me, I will.


I desperately want things to get better and my choice today spells out every indication that I didn't. There's no excuse for backsliding at all. I had way too many other choices in front of me and I blew it.......big time. I am not sure if Spartan knows exactly how remorseful I really am because I'm staying very still in his presence. He went with me to DS2's appointment and then to run a few errands with me and the kids thereafter. We are home now but I will be going to church recovery group in about 30 minutes. I plan to come clean there as well.

I've made a very horrible mistake and I want dearly to rectify it. I will pray for forgiveness (that's the easy part) and start walking right with Jesus (that's the more difficult part). If I can't get it right this time, my soul will be condemned and I know it.

I don't know because he is keeping his distance from me and we're not talking except if we have to.


Thank you, sorry...I got confused.



Response above.

I saw your on the fence posts as more withdrawl. Seems to me you have gone through a long period of withdrawl which spartan senses. As for the EN's, well YES spartan should be filling your top EN's but let me tell you another perspective cuz this may be a long hard road for you. As a Christian wife it is up to YOU to protect your part of the marriage. You need to be the biblical wife you are called to be even when spartan does not do his part. I am NOT saying put up with abuse or adultery on his part, I am saying that until spartan gets to a point of wanting to fill your EN's (and he may not for a while now) you still need to act as a Christian wife.

Great Post ff

ITTA with the following;

Problem is, MS has been and still is still in a wayward mindset. Very self centered and focused on how to get HER own EN's met.


How in the world does Spartan do this all over again?

Withdrawal AND wayward mindset. I clearly see that and have a great deal of anger at myself as well as guilt and remorse. At this point, I see that Spartan has been doing all that he can to be a godly husband and has been going an AWESOME job at that. My own self pity and self centeredness blinded me to it and now that I see the pain I've caused him, I see the beauty in him that I've destroyed. The clarity kills me.

I need to grow up, get a grip and start paying attention to things that are not of this world.

I asked myself that over and over again last night. All I can say is that I will hand my life over to Jesus and pray for our marriage. That is the best that I can do.

As far as worldly things, I have made my confession to all who were at my church recovery group, gave up alcohol and will be completely trasparent with him.

It may take years for him trust me again (if ever). I understand that and in all actuallity, I need to be able to trust and believe in myself as well. I know I can do this. I'm not a bad person. I've made mistakes, but I am not a mistake.

I'm saying this with love and compassion:

"Yes. Now prove it."



It really is that simple.