Hi Ladies,

Nothing to report i am afraid, didnt sleep beside him last night as i had hoped, my son came into the sitting room while me and H were chatting and asked me where Nephew would be sleeping and i said the spare room, son said "No thats ok Mam he can sleep in my room, i havnt seen him in a long time so i would like to have some fun with him playing the PS3 etc so he can share with me. I couldnt say no to that so i just said ok. Later on H and me were chatting and i said very casually "i dont like sleeping in that spare room, its not very comfortable, i think i will move back to my own bed" H didnt comment so at least he didnt say anything negative.

While we were chatting his friend rang and asked him to go for a few beers, he said ok i will meet you in half an hour, when he hung up he said to me "do you mind if i go"? i said well, you wont be around much the next few days and i wanted to spend some time with you and he said ok then i wont go. He rang his friend back and cancelled.

He is working tonight and sunday night so the only time he will be at home is tomorrow night, i armed myself with earplugs today, i am sleeping in our bed tonight and i will stay here as well tomorrow night too and see how it goes. it wont be much fun though because we go out for a few beers on a sat night and when he has had a few his snores are terrible!

Will keep you posted

Im not sure of moving back into the bedroom is the right thing to do at this moment in time, he came home from golfing today and we were chatting in general and i told him i slept in our bed last night and i intended to move back in tonight , he didnt make a comment but by the look on his face he wasnt happy and it upset me, i dont know if i should now!

You need to get back in your bed and stay there. Quit bringing it up. It would be a sore subject for anybody that has been rejected as long as you have been rejecting your husband. You are holding your affection randsome by refusing to sleep with your husband. It would irritate anybody. He could be mad that you have taken so long to come back to bed. His look could be anything. Men expect to sleep with their wives and have them available and interested in sex. Stop punishing your husband unless you want someone else to sleep with him.

Thanks SS, point taken. You dont mince your words! I needed that.

You are welcome. Are you in bed yet?

This is a really serious issue. It is abusive and cruel to expect a healthy man to be celibate and sleep alone while married - not to mention unrealistic. You have done this for years! I know that I am being strong on this subject. SF and Affection are top intimate needs. You posted early in your thread that you have not had sex with your husband for 2 years. Most married men (and women) would not tolerate that. We have never slept apart - not even on d-day. We are not always lovey dovey in bed but we sleep together. Period. I wouldn't give up the opportunity for physical contact, the spooning, the middle of the night little kisses, the long slow tender kisses and caresses that turn to blazing fireworks. You have no opportunities for any of these blessings because you have spent your nights in another room because of something your husband said 2 years ago. My husband has said plenty of ugly things. I have still slept in my bed next to him- sometimes way over on my side. Many times, he has rolled over and apologized, pulled me back to his side and we have made up right then. The few times I have gone to another room out of anger, he has never come to get me -never. I would hear him snoring and crawl back in my own bed - after waking him. By marrying you, your husband has the expectation to have his sexual needs met by you. In many states, not having sex with your spouse can be grounds for divorce - impotence is grounds for fault in my state. You have mentioned that your husband works out and goes to the gym. You and your husband are the same age as we are. Are you working out? Are you a healthy weight? Are there other issues that you are not mentioning that play into this situation? If your husband is not getting this need met elsewhere you are very very lucky - for now. Have you read all the posts here from women struggling to get their husbands back in the house? Your husband is in your bed waiting for you. Do you realize how lucky you are?

Please don't make any more excuses about this. Grab your earplugs and get in your bed. If you want to talk to your husband about this, do it in bed. You owe him an apology.

Gab, I have not posted to you, but I have to echo SS. Girl I am 60 yrs old and I need the SF of my marriage. I felt a bit ignored because I had not had SF in 4 days. My DH does work 7 days at 12 hr shifts. I zipped him out an E-mail stating that dinner would be at 6:OO with dessert to follow at 7:30 in our room. He came home early from work. I read where you state that you "care" for your H. I don't see where you sit him down
and TELL him you LOVE him. Do You? Pride is a frightful thing in a relationship, do we see "PRIDE" in your side of the relationship? God won't tolerate pride. Go talk to your H, tell him you WANT him, tell him you NEED him, tell him he completes you....then tell him you are workin' overtime to reduce your weight for your own health, and above all tell him you love him!!! And, then, doggone it girl, don't announce your arrival back into the marriage bed, just show up when he's about to go to sleep, snuggle up to him, nude. You may or may not get a result.....you won't be "kicked" OUT OF BED. If you don't score, try again tomorrow night. That bed belongs to you. too, your H is yours. alone! TELL him
you love him! GF

Hi SS,
I know you are right in what you are saying, i moved back into the bed on sat night, he had gone out for a few beers with his golfing mates so when he came home i was in the bed, i woke when he came in but i didnt let him know that. I put the earplugs in and his snoring didnt bother me at all. I had a good nights sleep too. He was working last night so i had the bed to myself.

I moved out of the bed because one night in bed i asked him for a kiss goodnight and he said no, i asked him why and he said he didnt feel like it and then the next day when i pushed him further about it he told me as far as he was concerned the marriage was over. I moved out of the bedroom that night, you dont know what my H is like, when he says something he means it, there is no going back with him, he would rather be right and alone than say he was sorry and work on it. If we have a blow up over something, he would stop talking to me for maybe 10 days no problem to him. I am far from being a saint but i get mad, say what i have to say and then i calm down, but he holds a grudge and wont back down or apologise. It is usually me who does that.

I know that whatever chance we have of getting close again is practically nil if we are not sleeping together, even the other night when he was beside me it was nice to feel him close to me, and to feel our arms, legs touching, nothing special but just to feel that closeness. I didnt realise how much i missed that.

No i am not a healthy weight but i am working on that, i have a lot of weight to lose which is why i have such low self esteem. I am working on getting rid of this weight and i am doing well at it. I go walking every day and i have joined weight watchers. The weight is coming off at a steady pace.

I will apologise to him for moving out of the room when the time is right and it feels safe to say that to him. I am reading your thread at the moment, i have only got as far as page 6 but i will read it all. Hope all is well with you.

Thanks for your help

Hi GF, Thanks for taking the time to post to me i appreciate it. Pride is on both sides of our relationship in a big way, more on his than on mine i would say. he will never admit to being in the wrong about anything and that leads me to resent him because it is always me who has to do the making up. He never seems to think he has done anything wrong at all and this really gets me mad.

I dont know about the snuggling up to him in the nude bit, not yet anyway, maybe when i have lost another bit of weight i will try that out

He knows how i feel about him, i have told him before and his reply was that he had taken what i said onboard, he hasnt mentioned it since. Nobody likes to be rejected, i have told him how much he means to me, i have moved back into the bed too, this is a big step for me, it mighten seem like one but believe me it is for me.

I am so glad that you are back in bed. Now, stay there. (you can get out every morning but at night you have to go back to your bed!)

I love all the body contact at night. It is ok to get mad. I get that. My husband has said some pretty awful things too as you will read in my thread. He says some pretty terrific things too. Sunday he told me that he had tried to convince himself that he didn't love me anymore when he was having the affair but that I woke him up. He said that he was in love with me and always had been. I understand better than you know about a stubborn man. My husband is just as stubborn and will hold his ground until I come back to him with an olive branch. That is why I told you to go back to bed. You have to be the one to bend. I had gained 60 pounds by the time I found out about my husband's affair. Just gave up on myself really. Too many nights alone. Too many hours at work. Too neglected. Too many excuses really! That is why I asked about your weight. I had a feeling that you didn't feel your best. Funny thing is, a few days after d-day when we had sf for the first time, I had only lost about 5 pounds and I thought to myself that I had almost lost my husband. He had stayed and was in my bed. I was getting a second chance. I was going to go for it. I was taking back what was mine. I had sf with him like I was a porn star. I let go of all the negative self talk and just enjoyed my husband. I have now lost 27 pounds and he compliments me every day. He tells me how sexy I am. I am starting to believe him. We have SF most days too. It is an important and powerful way to bond and reclaim what is yours.

Hi SS,
He is not making this easy at all! he hasnt made any comment about me moving back into the bed but there again it has only been one night with him in it too LOL.

I am thinking there was probably a payoff with me in the other room like being able to stay on the laptop as long as i wanted too and as late as i wanted to without bothering anyone else, you see i am a night owl and my H is bleary eyed and ready for bed by 11pm at the latest. Some nights i would still be awake at 1-2pm. I know its not healthy to stay up so late but i just cannot sleep. They say SF is a great sleeping pill so here's hoping

Do you really think that by me sleeping beside him is going to make him want to work on our marriage? I cannot see it happening anytime soon but i hope i am wrong. I would dearly love to have him love me again but he is so resentful towards me for neglecting him that i dont know if he will want to work on our marriage.

The weight issue with me is a big one, when he had the affair i lost a lot of weight, the infidelity diet is a powerful one! He has said nasty things to me regarding my weight over the years which have stayed with me and left me with a poor self image, I have lost 19 lbs so far but i have another 70 to go so it is a long road ahead but i am determined to get there.

your poor husband must be exhausted with all the SF, but they do say that it is great exercise so keep up the good work

He didn't kick you out did he? I told you not to expect him to thank you. He is probably going to be irritated for a while that he slept alone for so long. Just enjoy it. Sometimes words are over-rated.

Try to go to sleep with him and wake up with him. I did the same thing that you are doing before d-day and it robs you of opportunities for affection and SF. Falling asleep in each other's arms is better than anything on the internet. Waking up together with a hug and a kiss is pretty great too. Ever since d-day, I have gone to bed with him and got up with him every morning. I make husband breakfast every morning and visit with him before he goes to work. We are sleeping great! Husband is having a hard time getting to work on time though.

Well, sleeping somewhere else wasn't going to bring him closer. I don't know your husband so I don't know what he will do. I know that it won't hurt. It may not work for a long time. You have a lot of damage to undo from neglecting him so long. Good news is that he is still in the house and sleeping in your bed. Just shoot for improvement. Don't shoot for instant perfection. Its not possible. You must fill his lovebank to overflowing. It is much easier when you are spending time together. Bedtime counts! I wouldn't go over the top trying to seduce him with crazy lingerie or overt sexual advances because it has been so long and you are very sensitive to rejection (btdt). Believe I don't want to set you up to get your feelings hurt. I would just try to be sweet and available. Let him take the lead. I would be open to him without any begging or pressure. Just enjoy sleeping with him.

I am getting my self-image back slowly. I noticed that your husband works out. Can you go with him? More opportunities to spend time together and fewer opportunities for him to find a little gym bunny to work out with. My husband and I work out together after work and we have started doing 5ks. He runs. I walk. He is really proud of the progress that I have made. He has called me his incredible shrinking wife. I have heard him bragging about it to his friends. It is slow going but progress is what I am after. Your health has to be a priority. A messy house can be cleaned up in a hurry. Health takes daily care.

He is up to the challenge.

Gabzz, all I can say is WOW. You did it. You did it for all of us BS.

I too am a night owl. I can tell you it did a big part in wrecking my M. Many many nights, H wanted to go to bed and I would say in a minute. Well I would kill for all those offers now and sleeping in my king size bed all alone. I used to stay up playing scrabble on line. Funny part since D Day I NEVER play it anymore and never miss it.

STAY IN THAT BED. He might at some point say something hurtful. Ignore it. It is a test. You are married -- stay in the marital bed.

I know what a HUGE step this is for you. I am sure your self esteem is hanging by a thread but you overcame it. So you have some weight to lose. It did not come on you overnight and even though you gained it -- your H did not leave.

KEEP IT UP. I pray for you both. That is great news. Don't overthink it, obsess or anything. As Nike says "just do it"

Hiya Hope,

Just letting off steam here!

He said something to me tonight that really hurt me and to be honest i dont want to be in the same room as him let alone the same bed. His friend called over to visit him and i went into the room to say Hi to him, they were talking about mobile phones and the cost of bill phones and i was explaining to his friend how good our service provider is. I told him that because me and H have the same provider that we could talk to each other for as long as we wanted at no cost. When i said this my H turned to his friend, gave a smirk and said "No thanks, il pass on that". It might not sound like much but to me it did and it hurt me. I left the house because i was upset and in tears. Ten minutes later he rings me and asks me to bring him home some beers, I said to him "Oh you dont mind talking to me on the phone now do you! I told him i was upset at what he said and he said he was only having a laugh and i said yeah at my expense. he got mad and hung up. The fact that his friend knows all about our marriage problems doesnt help, H filled him in a while ago on all the details. I know this because he told me he had confided in this friend.

You are right Hope, my self esteem is hanging by a thread and he can knock it with a couple of words, why cant he just keep his big mouth shut, he might have thought it was funny but he was the only one laughing. He's a prxxk

You did the right thing to take a break and cool off. I know that what he said was rude. You have a lot of hurt feelings both ways. This kind of stuff will happen until his lovebank is full again. My husband came home in a foul mood tonight and was saying rude things also. Nothing specific just rude in general. I told him that I could see that he was in a bad mood and needed some space. I went in another room and folded laundry. Then I took my dog for a long walk. I came back in a much better mood. He had gone to the gym and had left me a note. We didn't let it become a lovebusting festival. You can't either. Compose yourself. Get the beer and try to be nice. This is not a sprint. This is a marathon. And, even if you are still mad tonight, you had better get in that bed!!! Progress is made one step at a time. Sometimes it feels like we are walking on hot coals but just hold on to your progress. No lovebusting when you get there either!!! Keep coming to vent!

Gabzz, breathe breathe. He is testing you. You KNOW if you move back you will prove everything that he thinks.
You go in that room, put those earplugs in, sink your heels into that mattress and just stay. He could let lose some stink bombs -- you stay; snoring like a bomb -- stay; talking in his sleep - listen carefully but stay! see use a little humor. vent here -- but stay in that bed!

Gabzz,
How are you doing this morning? Hope things calmed down for you. Did you sleep in your bed?

Are you ready to take care of yourself today? What are you going to eat? What exercise will you do? The better you feel about yourself, the better you will be able to handle stress. Do you have a plan. I ate a scrambled egg(in Pam) with a little 2% cheddar cheese and 2 pieces of rcal wheat bread as a breakfast sandwich and 2 cups of black coffee - total calories for breakfast 266. I plan to take my dog for a 1 hour walk (to help train for this weekend's 5k walk) and go to the gym with my husband after work.

HI Gab,
I've been reading your thread all along I didn't forget you.. Just busy with my DD's situation...

SStanding.. GREAT JOB getting her back in that bed!! we've been trying for months!!

GAB... what he said was cruel.. guys are stupid that way.. although I'm sure it was from some deep seated HURT he had from you... it still was wrong...

This ws a test as all have been saying...he has been hurt by you EVERY NIGHT you stayed out of your bed.... EVERY NIGHT he hasn't has SF from his WIFE...

You have NO IDEA how bad it makes a man feel when his WIFE will not have romantic SF with him!! It's the WORST feeing of rejection a man can feel... It's castration to a man...
MOST men equate SEX to LOVE....Love = Sex.... NO Sex... No Love.... No love..... no sex

What's the FIRST thing a woman may say when she is mad at her H... DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH ME.. and ENJOY THE COUCH TONIGHT>...

Or.. she heads for the couch... this is what we fear most LOL!!

So.. yes he will test you... HE HAS BEN HURT A LONG LONG LONG TIME!! YOU CAN HANDLE A LITTLE... .and IT WILL STOP....he's just not the type of guy to share his feeling openly (something you can teach him later) So.. he's actually by NOT asking you to leave the bed telling you that he WANTS you there...

And by throwing a jab at you... he's saying I AM STILL HURT...

It will stop... DO NOT REACT... just see it as a childlike tantrum....

Hi SS, and Frank.

No i didnt sleep in my bed last night, i just couldnt i was so upset with him, when i did get back to the house at 10pm, with his beers, i might add, he was already in bed. i went up to the room and he was sprawled over my side of the bed reading. He totally ignored me so i left and at this point in time i really dont want to go back.

At lunchtime today i went home and he was there and i asked him why he said it to me and these are his words.
"look, i told you last night i was only having a bit of fun, now thats an end to it, if you dont like it thats tough but there you have it" I said yes you were having a bit of fun but at my expense because you had an audience, he said that was not the case and he told me he didnt really care what i thought and stormed off.

A couple of weeks ago when the same friend was in the house he said some mean things to me as well. I was helping his friend book some flights online and the page kept timing out because the friend didnt have all the information he should have had and had to keep ringing the other people who were travelling as well to get some extra information. H said to me "why cant you just book the flights for him, why are you taking so long, for gods sake its not rocket science,"I told him it was because his friend didnt have the relevant info but he didnt want to hear that! So i got it in the neck for helping his friend. I just cannot win no matter how i try, i am plan Aing my [censored] off and it doesnt matter to him. At this point i am sick to the teeth of him and there is not a snowballs in hell's chance that i am going anywhere near the bed that he is in. He can rot in it for all i care. he's an asshxle

Sorry for venting but i am so pissed off at the moment with him. Dont ask me to go back into that bed tonight because i am not.

My husband says the same types of dumb@ss things when he is mad. You have to remain calm. Storming out of the house and sleeping in the other room is not Plan A. It is plan tantrum. It is counter-productive. I am not taking his side. I am taking your side. You asked if there is any hope for the two of you? The answer is yes but it ain't easy. He may come around eventually. This is up to you. You can save this. You must map out a plan for when he is being a jerk and stick to it. Don't let your emotions rule your actions. I have had problems with this also and have been trying some new methods to see if it would help in my own situation. This is what has been working for me lately. Now, I know that our situations are different. My husband is actively trying to recover our marriage with me. He wasn't in the beginning though. He came around pretty quickly. This may help you.

The next time you husband says something rude and it hurts your feelings. Take a deep breath, tell him that you don't appreciate what he said and then tell him that you will give him some space. Then go do something else. Do not try to engage him in a lovebusting conversation while you are mad. Give yourself time to calm down. He may not appologize at all. Know that up front. Just let him know how you feel in a calm manner and go on about your business. Once he starts to come around, he will remember what you have told him and he will be impressed with how gracefully you have handled yourself. You cannot bully him into treating you better. He has to want to. He won't want to until you fill up his lovebank. Everytime you fight with him, you are draining out all the deposits that you made. You must stop that.

And, you know what else, YOU HAVE TO SLEEP IN YOUR BED EVEN WHEN HE IS A JERK. IT NEEDS TO BE NORMAL AGAIN - NOT RARE!!!!!
No excuses. We all get mad. You must stop sleeping in that other room. Maybe turn it into a gym? Drag the mattress to the curb? Do whatever it takes but that other room needs to stop being an option. Stop punishing him everytime he says something that you don't like. Just stop.

Let's talk about the elephant in the room. Given the lack of a physical relationship and the things that your husband does and says, do you think that he is currently having an affair?