Hey everyone, I'm new to the forum at least posting wise. I've read a lot of different posts on this topic. They are either one way or the other. A brief history on my situation.

Long story short version i hope. Basically my wife made a decision to move out because I've been in a deep seeded depression for the two years that we have been married. I lost my mother to cancer about a year before we meet. When we first meet we were in the crazy love stage for sure. We moved in together 6 months later. We got engaged and married within 9 months of us living together. After our honey moon I was offered a new job in the same industry and it was a much higher paying job. Well I didn't know the amount of stress that it would put me under. Soon i was thinking about work all the time and became pretty depressed. Our home life suffered and our sex life really never got to the next level of intimacy. We pretty much stopped having sex for about 7 months. Way too long!! She was telling me that something had to change but I just didn't think that meant I'm leaving. We fought a little but not that much. We have been best friends the entire time we've known each other. Which has been 4 years now. I was diagnosed with kidney cancer last year and that was a scare and i knew my job wasn't going to last through the end of the year. I had surgery to remove and the cancer was removed with success. Two days after I returned from that i was let go from my high paying job. I was the only source of income. i went deeper into depression at that time when I couldn't find a job right away.

After the years of neglect emotionally and physically she said she was moving out. She signed a year lease and moved out a month ago. Please don't get me wrong she is a great person and one of the most genuine loving people that I've ever known. I do know that I'm in the wrong here. I've expressed that to her in a mature way and not tried to beg her or bother her at all. We are still communicating through txt'ing mostly and have seen each other twice. the first time was very weird but the second time was casual and we had fun laughing and just shooting the bull. She hasn't told me at all what she wants. Just that she needs some time to figure out what she wants to do. There hasn't been a mention of divorce at this time just when we argued when she was leaving she said she did. After she left and the dust settled she hasn't mentioned it since. I've expressed how I'm very sorry for the way things have been for her over our marriage. I let her know that I love her and would like things to workout. I've also said that I hope in time that the positive changes that I'm making for myself will allow her to feel more comfortable with the thought of continuing the marriage.

I know there are a lot of pieces left out at this time, but I hope I can fill them in for you all as we go through this. We don't have kids just two great dogs. She has come over a couple of times and spent time with the dogs while I was at work. She also still tells me she loves me and is still calling me baby in the txt and emails.

I guess I'm just curious with how people would handle this situation. I have been giving her the space that she needs and it seems to be the best thing for the both of us at this time. It's very painful and there are times when i just break down. She has taken some more of her clothes and few chairs for her place. She has made a little home for herself and I'm happy that she isn't feeling the pressures of my depression.

I actually found a job with my company before the last one the day after she moved out. I'm doing really well with it. Her moving out really snapped me out of the funk at least enough to make a difference and try and make myself better. It's really helped me get out of the depression and I've been seeing a therapist and reading about every book there is on depression. Feeling Good is probably the most insightful book that I've read about depression and how to handle all the negative self talk.

I'm being patient with her and allowing her to hopefully heal a little from the physical and emotional neglect. I know this is the one of the number one things that a women doesn't like to feel is rejection. She made comments that she can't be the one to make me happy at this time and I have to do that for myself. The really hard thing that I would love for to be able see all the positive changes that I've made. I've rekindled old friendships and have been exercising again as well.

Sorry for the long story but I kept writing and dumping things out.

Please let me know if you need more info on certain topics to better understand our situation. Thanks for all the comments ahead of time.

I'm very hopeful but I'm expecting the worse and hoping for the best at this time. Just don't want to set myself up for a prolonged hurt when she maybe has made her mind up already. Looking for any woman out there to give some advice on whether you would continue to say I love you and calling him baby if you were done with the marriage.

I am very open to all the advice from everyone on here. There is a lot of great advice on here and I appreciate it.

OT but you knew your job was letting you go before you got cancer, right? Just asking because if they let you go because of the illness you probably have a case against them.

Anyway, congrats on the success of the surgery.

So if you were the only breadwinner, how is she paying for the apartment?

So I have to ask this. Are there any other men in her life, men whom she's just friends with?

I thought about the lawsuit but it just didn't seem worth it in the end.

She has a job waiting tables in a fine dinning restaurant. she's making enough I think to be able to support herself. I've been giving her some money here and there as well.

She has friends but not too many guy friends. I have thought maybe there could be someone else. She has said that there isn't and the reason for her leaving was solely my depression and lack of intimacy. I wouldn't be surprised if she was getting interest from other men. I do hope that she is a better person to have an affair and still ask for money and call me baby and say I love you. I'm having a difficult time with the thought of losing her for good of course. I do know that I could find someone else and have a happy life I'm sure. I'm a good looking guy with a big heart and have a lot to offer. At this point though she is the person that I would like to spend the rest of my life with.

When she responds to this email that I sent her it will be very telling to where she is in her mind. It might not be what I want to hear and I pray that I can handle it. She means a great deal to me.

So would you be telling someone that you love them and calling them baby if you were following through with a divorce?

What are you doing to restore intimacy? Do you understand the concept of LoveBusters(LB's) and Emotional Needs(EN's)?

T

Have you read any of the threads here about people having affairs? They are telling their spouse they love them and calling them baby while they are in the middle of 'doing it' in a hotel.

The reason you need to consider an affair is that (1) feeling neglected is one of the #1 reasons, if not THE #1 reason, women go INTO an affair; and (2) affairs make formerly wonderful and upstanding people lie; and (3) if she is, the advice we give you would be completely different and any other kind of advice would in fact be counterproductive.

I agree with you on all accounts. Let's just say for the sake of this thread that she isn't seeing someone else at this time. I believe that she isn't. If and when I find out that she has been than we can start discussing that. She very well may be having sex with someone as I type this. I just don't see the point in putting myself through that unless I knew for sure.

I would like some advice from the standpoint of her not seeing someone and behaving the way she is. She hasn't been mean or rude or cut off all contact at this time. The last time we communicated was on Saturday.

My sister received an email from her and she thanked her for the kind words that she gave her about us. She said she is still pretty sick and exhausted. I'm going to let her do her thing and get through what she thinks she needs to get through. It may be over with us for all I know. I just would like to think that she just doesn't know at this point and is trying to keep her head above water financially.

Whatever happened to "for better or worse"? You've been grieving your mother, gone through cancer, had a stressful job and then lost it and your wife leaves you? I know depression is hard to live with (for the one experiencing it and the one living with the one experiencing it) but that alone doesn't seem reason to give up on a marriage. Even not having sex for several months...that doesn't help a marriage, sure, but with all you've been through...
My emphasis would be on helping her see what she fell in love with you for again...Plan A, Plan A, Plan A. Don't bring up divorce, see if you can get your M back on track again. I wouldn't assume she is having an affair, but I wouldn't rule out anything because people have been known to do everything. My (now ex) H still called me Baby and said he loved me all the while living with someone else in another town during his work week (his job was too far to commute)! He did this not once but twice...the second time I divorced him.
I wish you all the best, you've been through a lot and your depression is understandable...I'd be seeing a doctor for it and getting treatment, there is so much help available. Eventually, no matter what your wife decides, your life will be better and this will all be a distant memory.

The point is that IF she is having an affair, the sooner you know about it, the sooner you can do something about it and the better your chances of success are. Either way, you are going to have to get a Plan A going. You need to start meeting as many ENs as you can while avoiding LBs as much as possible. It's tough to do when you aren't living together but there are some posters on this board who have done it.

Oh, and I wanted to add that given that there has been little to no intimacy and your depression has probably been a major LB - enough for her to leave - she's a prime candidate for an affair. You need to find this out. You deserve the truth.

So yesterday was of course a hard day. A little recap of the weekend. I sent her flowers on Friday and that seemed to be a good move. She txted and said that it was very sweet and unexpected and that she loved them. I then txted her late on Saturday night and let her know that I knew that she was working very hard and that I wished her sweetdreams and for her to sleep well. She txted that she was about to txt me as well. She said that she got home from a rough day and saw the flowers and made her smile. I let her know that she was welcome and that I kissed the dogs for her and that I loved her. She txted that she loved me as well. I called her on Sunday to wish her a happy easter and she was working. She called me later in the day when she got off work. I told her that it was really great to hear her voice. She told me that she wanted to call me last night but that I said goodnight and she thought that I was going to sleep and was tired. We talked for a little a while and I said that I missed her but she didn't reciprocate the comment. I then let her know that I wanted to see her and she said that she didn't know her schedule and wasn't sure when she could see me. That made me a little upset but I didn't let her notice that I was upset at the time. We talked a little bit more and I told her that I would let her go and that I loved her and she did say that she loved me as well.

I'm just frustrated to be in this state of not knowing what the hell is going to happen. I think she is feeling guilty and not wanting to let me know. On the other hand by her saying that she wanted to call me on Saturday I figured that she wouldn't have told me that if she was leaning towards divorcing me. Also calling me back after she saw that I tried to call her. All those things do give me signs of hope. I think again it seems as if she isn't ready to discuss anything or that she hasn't really healed from the years of neglect at this point. Do you all think that I'm being impatient in expecting something after 6 weeks of this? I'm just getting very frustrated and I do want to be patient with her and let her open up to me in her own time but it's just the hardest thing to do and it seems to be affecting my progress on working on myself.

I'm looking for anyone's opinion on the behavior I guess at this point.

I think if she is not having an affair, it's too soon to expect anything from her. Women are very slow to trust you.

That said, I would try to be innovative in how you can keep communicating with her. Find ways to continue contact without it being an 'I love you/miss you/want you' fest - if you just keep saying that stuff, it starts to be hollow talk.

Do you have a dog park in your city? Ask her if she'll meet you there with the dogs. Do they need to go to the vets for a checkup? Ask her if she wants to meet you there, to see what the vet says. Do they get groomed? Ask her if she will take them for you, and have a supper waiting when she comes home with them.

Tell her you're having a garage sale and would appreciate the help. Tell her you're going to visit your mom and wanted to know if she'd like to go see her with you, since you know they love each other.

I'm just making stuff up here, so fill in whatever fits your situation. But be creative.

The one thing I've learned is that it's nigh impossible to read anything into what they say and do because they so often deceive. Focus on YOUR responses and actions and trust the results to God. Try not to think so much about the future and concentrate on what you are doing now.

It's a struggle to learn so much about depression and how much it affects you sexually and in other ways and not be able to let her know. I guess I have to trust that she either cares to eventually want to know those things or not. I don't want to send her another long email on what I've learned. I think that would just be another let down for me maybe not getting a response.

I haven't spoken or contacted her since Sunday and I'm probably waiting until tomorrow or Friday to contact her. I might even just wait for her to contact me and see if she just doesn't want to contact me at this point.

I'm trying to step away and focus on other things going on in my life and I think I'm doing a pretty good job. It becomes more difficult over time when I don't hear from her for a while.

One thing I wanted to get out is that I'm going through a lot with processing my mother's death this week. I'm working with a friend that is going through his mother's death this week. They are taking her off the ventilator tomorrow and she will pass shortly there after. I'm also putting a memento into my mother's space in the mausoleum. This is something that I feel will help me move on with my mother's death. I've held onto that since she passed. These are all things that I would love to share with W, but I understand that she's not ready yet.

Your W may be content to go her own merry way and not make contact with you...it could be you'll have to make the contact for it to happen...I wouldn't bug her, but it certainly wouldn't be out of line to make an attempt every now and then and keep the conversation pleasant. I wouldn't go into anything deep or heavy (like your grief over your mother) as that is part of the problem...she needs to see you more as the person she married, she can't handle the depression and grief. There are wonderful support groups to join to help you deal with the grief, it's apparent your wife doesn't want to be a sounding board for you at this time. Once you've worked on reestablishing things between the two of you, that may change to some extent. As Cat suggested, find some activities for you to share with her.

She sent me an email today and said that she has thought about it and would like to move on with the divorce. This is one of the saddest days of my life. Plus she did it in an email!!! She has so much guilt that she can't even face me or hear my voice. I'm pissed and moving forward at this point. It's going to be so hard to do but u have no choice anymore. At least I know what happens next and not in limbo land anymore.

I'm so sorry.

It sounds to me like she's seeing someone. Can you get her to meet with you?

I agree that she's seeing someone. She will not see me or contact me at this point. She is done with the whole process. I'm not sure what the next contact will be at this point. I changed my locks yesterday which was so hard it was unbelievable.

I'm contacting an attourney to get some advice. If she wants a divorce she can go through the process and I will sign the papers and that's that. Now the pain starts and has started. I'm feeling like I'm slipping into a deep depression so my number on priority is to keep myself out of that as much as possible.

Just got into her email and she is seeming someone. An old friend of her's. It makes sense now that all this is going on.

Well, if you still want her, you can fight for her. What that means is exposing the affair (yes, it is an affair) to all the important people in her life and asking them to help you help her.

Do you want to try to save your marriage?

Not at this point. I don't like the fact that I was disrespected and lied to during this whole process. I've been giving her money and helping her out and this has been going on for sometime now. Already on the phone with a lawyer and will file this week.