IWhat can I say to him? Anything asking about what is going on? Or only try to meet his EN.....?

I have no idea what is going on in his mind. We have not talked in a while now. He's been so mad at me that he's stayed away.

I would be asking him hard questions. Why are you avoiding the subject??? vst, this is not the time for more CONFLICT AVOIDANCE!

And I guess I am going to have to be a broken record here. Plan B, Plan B, Plan B. Living in a state of limbo with a unrepentant serial cheater is doing nothing to help your mental health.

I'm just so tired and I still have such a long way to go.

I mean, I want to ask him "are you still involved with OW?" and "do you still want to try to work out our marriage?"

"What is your plan to salvage our marriage? I am willing to work on the marriage as long as you are willing to end all contact with your mistress." <-----that is a conversation you should be having. Avoiding the subject does not help, vst.

Your H did not have an affair because of unmet needs, but becasue he is a serial cheater who can GET AWAY WITH IT. Unless something changes this time, you are going to have a future of more of the same.

Plan A is not supposed to be a way of life, but a SHORT PLAN that lasts no longer than 3-4 weeks. If your H will not leave his job with the OW, then Plan B is warranted.

Maybe you could spend a family weekend with him and then go to Plan B. But sitting around twiddling your thumbs in a state of limbo is going to avail you nothing, I assure you.

Your H did not have an affair because of unmet needs, but becasue he is a serial cheater who can GET AWAY WITH IT. Unless something changes this time, you are going to have a future of more of the same.

Really? I mean is what PH saying not what I'm supposed to be doing for whatever period of time I give it? I know if I go there it will end his desire to have any family time. That's the only problem with that. I know it's conflict avoidance but really, until somebody leave their job, what kind of questions can I really ask? All I know is that absolutely SUCKS!

Yeah... good point Mel...maybe just this weekend and then Plan B if she is still this angry....

When a WS refuses to leave the lover, there are no good options for the BS. At first, plan A is recommended because there is a slim hope (15%) that, with encouragement, a WS will make the decision to leave the lover. But 85% don't do that, even when plan A is implemented perfectly. That leaves two other choices which are both bad. The first is to continue plan A indefinitely, trying to encourage the WS to leave the lover, and the second is to initiate plan B, which is to completely separate from the WS. The problem with a continuation of plan A is that it usually leads to severe emotional symptoms, including years of post-traumatic stress disorder, even when the WS eventually returns. Many women that I've counseled actually have nervous breakdowns in their effort to draw their WS back to them. Instead of making the BS attractive to the WS, plan A actually makes these poor women so unattractive that it completely eliminates all hope of reconciliation. And 95% of all affairs eventually "die a natural death." If you do absolutely nothing, they usually end.

So I've recommended plan B rather early in the effort to separate the WS from his lover.

MelodyLane:

The primary reason for abandoning plan A for plan B is protection. The stress experienced in plan A (trying to care for someone too long who is hurting you more deeply than you ever have, or ever will, experience) can leave you physically and emotionally damaged. So the question each person must ask themselves is, "how tough am I?"

My experience is that men are tougher mentally and physically than women. By that, I mean that women seem to start falling apart emotionally and physically after just a few months, or even a few weeks, of plan A. Men, on the other hand, seem to be able to keep it up for years before experiencing health problems.

If I don't know a person too well, I tend to lean to the safe side by recommending 3-4 weeks of plan A for women, and 6 months for men. But if a woman is no worse for wear after a few weeks, or a man is feeling okay after 6 months, there's no reason to end plan A at that point. As you can see, it's inexact, and depends on how the person is doing. A good support system (like the support people often receive on the Forum) can often keep a person in plan A much longer.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Here's another sticking point for me. Remember the boat? Where he is living now and where they had their special times together? At some point (I assume) he's going to want me to go back there. I cringe at that....knowing what they did there. ON MY BOAT! He always tried to tell me that they never went there, that they went to a hotel but I think that is because it would kill my desire for being on the boat. Well it has and that is his biggest RR!

SELL the boat.

But... it may be time for "B" now if you think this is more than a rant..