Good question.

In all fairness, the same could be posted to you, except for the fact that you are here and wanting to rebuild your M. You are here looking to learn how to do that.

MB can't make anyone stay M, MB can only give us the tools to help us rebuild. We have to do the work, and how much we put into it, is up to us, BS or WS.

You sound frustrated RooGirl.

Do the best Plan A that you are capable of doing. Do it without expecting anything in return from BH.

Use this time to dissect yourself, recognize your faults, change your thinking and become a better you. Whether a BS or WS, this is part of committing to a M.

The goal is to not only be a better spouse, but a better person ... despite the outcome of the A.

FWIW, Roo... I read you everytime I'm on MB yet don't always post. As you're well aware, I'm in a process here and feel the experts -- the recovered FWWs and BHs -- can offer more than I can as far as helping you make progress. But you are always among my must-reads when I'm here.

Know that unfortunately, there are many who have walked this horribly difficult road before you, or who like me, are walking it with you. Know at any time, you can just put out your hand. I will take it as I am right beside you, and we will get through this. As long as we are being the best people we can be, as long as we are doing everything we can to help our H's heal, as long as we are sticking to our EPs, and as long as we are being radically honest, we have a chance. As long as you want that chance, keep it going -- keep working and keep practicing patience. If you don't want that chance, you'll get no judgements from me. It's for you to decide.

You only need to decide.

You're still in my prayers, and still among my must-reads. Take care, Roo.

-L4

When their are no kids and the marriage has been short, the BS is young. It is most often the best to plan D.

Your a WW. You chose to cheat. You now chose to recover. As a WW you can do all that is needed to recover your marriage. Transparent, answer all questions.

Your BH had no control of your choices. You have no control of his. BH may not want to or can not recover from your affair.

You can only chose to put in the effort, without any regards to success. Recovery can take two to five years. If you can't put in the time without any guarantee for success then you can plan D, sit back and do nothing and wait for BH to plan D.

I don't remember and your post is to long to read. Did you confess to your BH?

Hi Roo,

I've been one of those lurkers on your thread. I was wondering if you are back home yet? I don't think so but I may have missed something.

I usually like to try to put myself in the BH shoes and then tell what I would be thinking. Can you tell me a little about your BH? You mentioned that he had been cheated on before. Also that he did not catch you but you confessed?

When I read that three things quickly pop into my head

1) How will he ever trust you again? You have proven yourself to be an olympic level deceiver.

2) Why did you tell if it was over? Not only did you cheat but then you just get to dump it all on the H and get rid of that burden as well. (I know it is not MB, and not my situation but I do feel that when I read these accounts)

3) Childish man thing (along the womans line of "was she prettier"). You know was he "better" or bigger was that the reason. For these purposes taller also would hurt. I was so glad the OM is more than 6 inches shorter than me.

I'll keep reading between diapers and bottles.

Gabe

Hi, Roo.

How about you you send him a postcard from San Francisco? It would show you're thinking of him more than just as an after-thought as it requires a little more effort than a text. Plus, I think hand-writing is more personal -- it's a part of you he can see that an email and text can't provide.

Consider buying him something from there as well. Some Ghiradelli (sp?) chocolate or a Golden Gate ornament. If he has a sense of humor, perhaps a cheesy magnet that he could put on his fridge or silly coffee cup or snow globe -- things he might see every day that would make him think of you. If he's more sophisticated perhaps a set of wine glasses from the water front or a great bottle of Napa wine. Get something you can bring back then say, "I got a little something for you. Can I stop by tomorrow and bring it to you?"

Have fun while you're there. Stop in to Pier 23 for me would ya?

Roo,

I have something for you to think on, maybe it will help you come up with a plan. If you were your H's mother or someone who only cared about what is best for him. What would you advise him to do and why? What would you say his cheating wife needed to do for him to take her back?

As a father, I would tell him to cut his losses. There are no children, the marriage was relatively short and his w had already moved out and cheated on him. What would he say if his own father gave him that advice?

Rusty,

Your wife's love bank for you was low which made her vulnerable pre-affair...

Then...

In order to justify and rationalize her affair she drained all the remaining love bank for you completely out.

She's home likely because it's the right thing to do and/or the affair ended (sorry...I'm not going back to read).

Sure she's depressed...she's home and has little to no love for you.

I went through this. It took many months of patience and baby steps. If you are journaling at all you should notice a trend of two steps forward...one step back for quite some time. There will be short periods of breakthroughs and when you least expect it FOG rolls in.

One thing to explain to her is that the MB method is predicated upon the fact that feelings will follow action. You explain that you understand she doesn't have a lot of feelings for you right now (and frankly, you aren't in total love with her either) but TRYING is the right thing to do and if you both commit to it for a year (performing loving actions and abstaining from love busters) you'll find yourselves in love a year from now.

In the beginning I suggest a couple things.

1. Get His Needs..Her Needs the CD Audio version. Take a road trip and listen to it together. Pause and discuss at will. The car is the best place to do this as there is little non-verbal communication, you're both stuck and there are no distractions.

2. Commit to going out this summer and having a good time. If you two were/are partiers, party it up. Cut her (and yourself) a break on the serious conversations as it's too early to really make a ton of progress. You'll also be avoiding some pretty hurtful conversations by avoiding them because she will say some hurtful things she really doesn't mean...she's just foggy. Somehow fit it in that this COULD be your last summer married to each other and you want to SEIZE IT. Either way...you don't want to look back at this summer and regret not enjoying it together. You also want to take the opportunity to REALLY get to know her as you've felt like an outsider to her inner thoughts for a long time ("Honey...if we might divorce, I, at least want to know the really you before it happens"). This will build intimacy without her really knowing that's what you are doing. Remember...because she's depressed she's not likely to be running around making plans...so YOU must make them and make her go.

Trust me...the FEELINGS will follow the ACTIONS.

Mr. Wondering

From Rusty's thread:


I want to add one thing..

I'd lay this out as a PLAN. (without a plan you are simply wasting time, walking on eggshells and treading water)

Because there ARE issues that need addressing...in time. You don't want to ever give the impression that the affair is bygones and/or being swept under the rug. You don't want to be in a position at the end of summer wherein you begin to address matters and she thought you were over it already.

Also...you WILL end up having deep conversations and these should not be avoided. Even conflict need not be avoided for through conflict intimacy is achieved. However, you do so utilizing the MB principles regarding conflict and practice constructive conflict techniques WITHOUT LOVE BUSTERS.

Also...during this period you need to focus on changing YOURSELF. Whether you actually recover or not...YOU can become a better person using the MB techniques so you are not wasting your efforts at all. When YOU change...your spouse will likely follow.

In the end...YOU don't change your spouse...THEY change themselves because they want to be with you. There is always that underlying threat that if they don't change...you'll move on. You retain that right for some time. I would never suggest you stay with a foggy spouse forever....just for now, work on YOUR betrayed fog and see what happens.

Hi RG,

I have also been following your story. I was wondering if your H. was very upset when you decided to move out? I didn't see anything about him asking you not to or doing anything for you to come back? Were you two so disconnected from eachother that he didn't catch onto the A? Didn't he ever stop by or wonder what you were up to? I am just wondering if that was the state of your relationship or am I confused?