Just about, yes. A year and nine months.

Roo,

Is your BH in counseling? This is such a long betrayal, it will take him a long long time to recover personally. Please think about just letting him go, I know it is not what you want.

He is not in counseling. He sees that it helps others but has said many times (and not just since finding out about the A) that it's not for him.

Thank you, Six. I do value and appreciate your ideas, views and opinions. I'm doing my best...

Roo,

I'm not trying to give you a 2x4. It might even be the best idea for yourself to move on. It is going to be very very difficult to build what you have now into a solid marriage and there will always be the bad memories.

I do understand, Six. I'm thinking alot here in San Francisco with little to do. Spoke with a great old girl friend for a bit this morning and have a lot to ponder.

I DO know that you're all here to help. And I really really wish you could all say, "RooGirl - do THIS and all will be good." I know it doesn't work that way.

My H texted the other night that the computer and TiVo were smoked. I called him and he said that neither were working so I did "support" via the phone on the computer and got that up and running. He was very upset that he didn't have TiVo OR the computer. So, I sat on the phone and walked him through getting the system up and running again, all well and good. (Dang KVM switch that I had forgotten about automatically boots up to a computer that we don't really use.)

Afterward I wanted to try and tackle the TiVo but it sounds like the power supply is dead. I went online while talking to him and found the part, told him that if he wanted I could order it and come out to put it in (I'm more technical than he is, though he was an auto mechanic) but he didn't know if he wanted to spend the money.

At that point in our conversation he said he was bored and that "no one is answering their phone!" Huh. Well, I thought, you texted me and I called back and I've helped to fix your computer "problem" and attempted to fix TiVo but that means nothing. Ok. I said to him, "that's too bad. I have to go now but I hope that having the internet connection back helps you get through a boring evening." Silence from the other end of the line.

Roo,
I reread most of your thread and I couldn't help but wonder why do you want him back? From your wedding day your M has had problems. He's not interested in counseling so if he did come back to you - wouldn't he go back to same old M? I don't see a resolution in the outcome. Even your IC asked you if he came back without making changes, would you want it and you said "No." As the BS I was willing to go to MC and work with my H because I recognized I didn't want the same M.

GG

Roo,

I agree with gg. I've been trying to get you to go 'all in' for a while now because I think you need to get to a resolution one way or another. If you give it everything you have and your BH will not lift a finger to improve things then it's time to move on. If you had a great marriage before all this happened I might not feel the same way. But, by your own admission you both have had alot of issues since the very beginning and it takes alot of hard work to change these things. Regardless of whether you BH is a BH or not based on the way you describe him (pre-a) I just don't get the feeling that he would have ever been willing to work on building a better marriage with you.

How much longer do you plan to stay in limbo?

Mindshare

I ask myself this alot. It's becoming more clear that I had a vision of what I wanted and was trying - for YEARS - to get him to conform to that vision. I realize that it's gotta sound ridiculous but I really think that I thought that he would change. The more I go to IC and the more I learn and read here, people have to CHOOSE to change. They have to see that the life they're living, the choices they're making aren't WORKING. If they don't see those things for themselves...well..then they don't.


Yes. He absolutely would. He believed our M was a good one. He was happy. I was the one drowning.


Thank you for posting, GG. Are you and your WS recovering/recovered?

You have, Mindshare. I told my H I wanted to come home. Asked him if I could. To this point he's not agreed that that would be a good idea. To push him on this (or anything) would be a LB..not that I can LB much more than I already have. @@


I'm in the process of a bit of an experiment. I'll let you know late this weekend how it goes.


This is true. He's of the opinion that love shouldn't be hard work. And to an exent I can agree with that. At the same time I've come to know that it's much more condusive to happiness to work TOGETHER, rather than fight each other, to be happy.


I don't honestly know. I'm waiting for that feeling, I guess. The one that says: I'm done.

Dr. Harley told me you will know that feeling when it arrives. It's a matter of the energy you are willing to put into it. Once your energy runs low enough, you'll stop asking for advice, you'll stop looking for answers. You'll just know that leaving is best.

Sure enough, that's exactly what happened to me. It didn't make the decision easy, I just had no doubts when it arrived. Every time I go over the whys and hows again in my head, it just comes down to running out of the will to try anymore. Everyone's breaking point is different.

I think as long as you want to try, you should. You'll know when you're done.

Hi Zen :wave:


My energy is running low. Really, really low. I thought that by this point my H would at the very least be asking questions about the A. Getting angry at me. Wanting to scream at me. Nothing. Not a single mean word to me...


Thank you, Zen.

This Saturday will be my 32nd birthday. It will be the first time in 13 years that I wont be celebrating with my H.

We'll see how it goes.

Thank you, Lil...

I have an IC appointment tomorrow. I haven't seen her since late March and it feels like nothing has happened and at the same time so much.

Folks, my drive is gone. G-O-N-E, gone.

I wrote a paper for college in the spring of 2005 which was titled "Starter Marriage" - I knew THEN that my relationship with my H was on the rocks. In my paper I talked about the reasons that my generation (X) had such a high percentage of failed marriages: we're the first real children of divorce, we don't know what it means to be married, we don't know what it is to be a Husband or a Wife. There is a huge gap, in my opinion, between expectation and reality of what marriage is for my generation...

I closed the first draft of that paper with these words, "I have often wondered, but am reluctant to admit, if I am in the first stages of a starter marriage."

Something to think about...

Roo,

Why don't you share these feelings with your BH? Maybe you could start a discussion from their. I know this must be a hard time for you. I'm not sure what your planning was on having children but I'm guessing you have at least a little pressure on that as well.

As an outsider, I suggest counseling to figure out what you really want going forward. Your M really ended 2 years ago, maybe best to look forward.

Gabe

Roo,

I'm going to agree with 6. If your motivation is gone then I think you should come clean with your BH about that. Honestly, it's another way of going 'all in' which I have been trying to persuade you to do for quite some time now. Put all the chips on the table. Let him know that you need to know where he stand with regards to building a new marriage with you. If he can't or is unwilling then you simply must move on. You cannot remain in this limbo h@ll forever. It's really unfair for both of you.

Mindshare

A Taurus like me.

I'll celebrate with you, Roo. Know I'll be with you in spirit.

Hey Roo! Are you ok? Please check in.....

MindShare

Hey roo,
I keep meaning to say, if you ever want to 'talk', my email is in my sigline. I think your often on when I am, at least your 'face' is lit up then.

Could just be a reflection of my sparkling presence

[color:#3333FF]Happy ...or]
(Click)

I'm having a piece in your honor.

(You are such a youngin'!)