I'm about to throw this f**king computer out the window I'm so frustrated right now. No, I'm not frustated with you guys--I'm just ready to burst open and scream in general.

I know I need to do something. I don't know how I got myself into this situation. It's not as easy as you all say to get out. Ok, so I tell H....what? Everything I can think of to say is a DJ and he will push back on everything.

You need to move out until you find a job and become self-sufficient. He refuses. Then what? Get the sheriff over here and traumatize the kids? Not an option. Get a lawyer? Not an option--that costs money. I know I'm just pushing back and naysaying but this is WHY I want him to go back to Oregon. I can try to stretch the $$$ here--would be nice if he sent money home but I wouldn't count on it for now. And hopefully he'd get his act together. I doubt I'd move the kids out there to be with him. Perhaps we'd move but not to the same house. But he would be OUT of this house.

Maybe I should call his aunt/uncle today and see what they say.

A good friend who was going through verbal, emotional, and financial abuse called the local crisis line, and even though the abuse was not physical, she and her family were given room and board, counseling for her and her family, and legal aid for her divorce while she is getting their family back on their feet. Only you can determine if you're at that point. She didn't and wasn't asked to press any charges against her H, and the whole thing is very private; none of her coworkers know.

Housing was within our means while UI was coming in. And I knew it was going to end in May, hence the second job as well as the shifts I talked him into taking (he does have 5 more weeks of UI but I don't think we'll see anything for a few weeks because they had to reprocess the claim). Our cable/phone/internet is a package deal and I am talking w/ Verizon about disconnecting the phone and cable and just leaving the internet. I have to have that to do either of my jobs. I need my cell phone for the same reason. I am getting a raise at work but still don't know how much. How nutty is that? LOL Kids are pulled out of sports and all other activities. So far not signed up for camp this summer-they've gone there every year for 7 years (oldest is working there this year) and the camp has been great about camperships but we have an outstanding balance that I can't pay so they can't extend an campership this summer. When I tell H what's going on, he goes into the 'this is all my fault' routine. I said 'this isn't helping fix the situation' and that started a fight.

{{{OH}}}

I wish I could do something for you. I so understand the frustration. I'm in the process of shutting down our expenses because of H's bills. We couldn't take D18 on vacation this year, her last year living with us, because of it, and it hurts. She offered to go to community college instead of university to help us out.

Are there steps you can take to remove him from your living expenses? Pay only for what you and your kids use, anything else, he has to find money to pay for, like his own gas? I do this with my D18.

And I second ears' suggestion about calling the help line. You don't know til you try.

Go ahead and call his family, ask them to try to convince him to take that job for HIS CHILDREN'S SAKES.

But please call the help line and ask them for advice. And go to www.unitedway.org today, too. They can do TONS of stuff to help you.

Most help lines around here won't do anything unless it's in the face of domestic violence.

I make too much money to qualify for food stamps, or any other social services.



I've frozen the gym membership. My hair is now completely gray because I can't afford to keep coloring it.

We keep separate checking accts so that I don't pay for his booze and whatever else he wants to spend money on. His UI used to go in there so he'll soon be broke.

My son also offered to go to community college. I had a long talk with the financial aid counselor though and I think we'll at least be able to make the first year work.

I agree with the 2nd half of what you said but the 1st half is not always true. Especially in abusive relationships, there is often deception. The person goes to long lengths to present a "persona" of what the person is looking for. Once married or once they have their first child, now the person shows their true self. While generally true that we find partners similar to ourselves, there are exceptions. An abuser will work towards making all things equal. ie... "you are just as messed up as me". Flip flip flip. And so I would like to point out the danger of the statement you made above. It can be damaging.

Sorry to keep pushing you, but that sounds like a really flip answer. The kind that abuse victims always give. So they don't have to do the hard work.

Is that really how you want to give up? Not examining every possibility? So you've actually called them all? Visited the shelters? Talked to United Way? Gone to your church? Looked for clubs? Gone to City Hall to see what services they offer?

Oh my goodness IAgree I'm SO glad you ended it before there was a first child. Can you imagine what the custody battle would be like! I have a friend going through that now, with a woman with a history of lawsuits against former partners. She "turned" in the delivery recovery room into a completely different woman than him and his family had ever seen before. Scary stuff.

It sounds like you are afraid to really confront the man. Hinting around that he needs to get a job wont do it.

I would say:

1. You need to get a job now
2. It is because of you not working that we lost the home
3. It is because of you not working we are losing our apartment
4. It is because of you not working the kids cant do sports
5. The kids cant go to camp because YOU wont work
6. Why wont you work? Other men do.
7. What is the problem that you cannot work.
8. Why will you NOT work?
9. i need you to get a job and contribute (600 a week) to our family.
10. This is what we need to get by is 2200 a month from you.

Also, why were you letting him use his UC to buy stuff for himself? That should have gone to the family. how much of that UC did he contribute toward the bills?

If you confronted him in these ways what would happen?

1. Would he yell?
2. Would he leave?
3. Would he kill you?
4. Would he abuse you and the kids more?
5. Could he sit and still do nothing about working?

I think I would try the strong confrontation method. He does not care about you enough to care if your hair is grey or if you are worried about finances. He could care less. So force him to work and turn over his check to you. If you dont, you are asking for paying alimony to him in a divorce! That would be terrible after all he did to you and the family. Get the lazy man working.

I had another thought. EVERY DAY your husband refuses to work, drop him off at "day labor"> Like "Labor ready". Every city has them. Drop him off and expect him to bring home the check every day.

If he refuses you have no choice other than to divorce. Or separate or something. At least he would not have as much energy to abuse you and the kids if he was digging ditches all day long! Start getting his work clothing and boots together to go to be a day laborer. Or temp worker in an office if he can cut it.

If he sees you are serious he might get a job just so he does not have to do either of these things. You have been way too easy on him. Letting him walk all over you and abuse the kids. Time to get strong and definitive.

Here are some jobs he could do today. Mandatory jobs. To use his (abusive) energy up.

1. Digging ditches
2. Painting homes
3. Mowing lawns
4. Collecting bottles and cans
5. Cleaning up the highways
6. Yardwork
7. Building attractive brick firepits for people
8. Working on a road crew
9. Care providing for an elderly or disabled person
10. Babysitting

There are some things he can do for no money just to be working. He should be working even if he makes no money for now. It will be good for him. You should require it of him.

1. Volunteering in a hospital
2. Volunteering at a business to help them
3. Volunteering at an animal shelter
4. Volunteering...anywhere


If he cannot think of things to do for 8 hours each day, you can help him think of them. Once he is out there working or volunteering 8 hours a day every day, he will abuse you and the kids less. Because he will be tired. And productive in his working day. It is more mentally healthy for both you and the family.

Yeah. I know I am super fortunate. Just think of the time she took a full swing at the side of my head and when I called my mom to tell her what had just happened, what did she do? She clutched her belly button piercing and said that it had ripped and that's why she punched me. And she also said "he only gets like this when he's been drinking". I was like "wait a second here... what are you implying?" If I had called the cops, I have no doubt she would have done something to herself to bruise herself up and make it look like I had done something to her. A liar is a VERY dangerous person-- you can find yourself in a real pickle before you know it.

Not to mention I found out that she later told the chiropractor that I had raped her which is completely untrue. She was just playing the same old game. Telling the same story to her new victim with a few plot twists. She definitely uses sympathy to try and manipulate people.

This past Christmas she called me. I picked up not knowing it was her. I told her that she needed to put whatever she wanted to say in an email-- that communication by phone was not an option. She wrote and apologized for what she had done years ago. At first one might think the apology sincere. Yet I spotted numerous lies in her apology. She claimed she aborted the baby instead of having had a miscarriage. But that story didn't add up for me either. At the rate she was going, she was going to need to apologize for the apology. So I just rolled my eyes to myself and said "yep, compulsive liars never change." Casey Anthony reminds me of her in so many ways. I think Casey Anthony is a complete mystery to some but to me, the way she operates is very familiar.

Yeah, Casey Anthony is a puzzle to me, but like Al Turtle says, "Everyone makes sense all the time." I am SO glad that you are so far from that point today! I SO look forward to when OH can look back on April 2009 and laugh, "I'm so glad that stuff is not part of my life anymore!" When those behaviors that depress her would be a distant memory.

OH, I think the social services folks may be able to suggest some options you may have never thought of before. For example, if you and your H separate, he may be able to get SSI for depression once UI runs out. And he can get Medicaid, food stamps, and subsidized housing once your income stops disqualifying him. Bad OH! There may be hundreds of options you two haven't thought of.

OH, sorry, didn't mean to be a bummer. I just meant that even in the worst case there are good options. Your H has a lot of skills and gifts, and it's not likely it would ever come to any of that. I was home at lunch, and H's headhhunter friend called. She's made a lot of money off of him over the years! She asked him to put the phone on speaker, so she could talk to both of us, and I'm glad that she treats us like that, like a team that works better together. She gave him a bunch of action steps, and she's someone he really trusts, who has never steered him wrong before. And she's going to review and update his resume. So I'm very relieved, because you know how tough it is to work towards a goal if you have no plan!

Does your H have a friend like that in your field? It may be different, because H is a CPA, and your H is a professional in another field, but this is what she said.

• Get on Linked in especially, and also Facebook, and use the excitement of reconnecting to mention that you are a Professional in Transistion and can use any advice or information you can get. "Is there anyone you can think of that I should be speaking to?"
• Call these consulting agencies. I will also follow up with them and tell them that I've known you for years, and you do great work.
• Send me your resume so I can review it and suggest any needed changes.

H is frozen Ears--deer-in-the-headlights. I've seen this before and it's aggravating because I lose patience and there's nothing I can do. I posted earlier about a bank job open for which he has done nothing except rewrite his cover letter and profile for my input--11 times! I told him no more. I've given him all the input he's going to get. By the time he gets that resume in there the job will be filled. And he spends hours on LI--he will look for someone connected to the company he's targeting, read a gazillion employee/employer profiles, so on and so on. What he hasn't yet done ,which I've encouraged him to do several times now, is exactly what your H's headhunter has said to do--rewrite his LI profile to say he's 'in transition' or 'looking for new opportunities', etc. I have several friends and coworkers out of work and they've all made this change.

Ironically, he thinks FB is a waste of time.

ETA: There's a local networking group that meets once a week here in town. H used to go to the meetings religiously when he was out of work in early 2002. He's gone to 3 since he's been out of work this round. His usual complaints ensue.

Locking at request of thread starter.