I've lurked a looong time. My 41 WH began an affair 02/07 with a now 26 yo employee. She was married, with 3 kids. She left her BH within a couple months, eventually he divorced her. This isn't her first rodeo.

It's been a downward spiral, with each cycle bringing more distance. Her FBH called me a few months after it began & I confronted WH. He hedged until I pushed & then came out with "I want a divorce, I can't stand you" I took that to mean we were getting divorced, started planning. He became ANGRY. WH is PA although he doesn't fit the usual mold in that he's very successful at work.
After a few months of me unwittingly Plan Aing him, he came forward & said he thought we could work it out, he was ending it with the HW. He did, but then it's back on, underground. That thanksgiving, they hatched a plan to tell me she was fired from her job for stealing. I found out later she quit so they could be together. I'm not sure what the motive for lying was?
The following March, he started staying at her house and within a few weeks, I had found a new home and was preparing to move. I knew he was acting really weird & finally realize, he was ticked about us moving without him. He did the same thing. I want us to work it out blah blah blah. He was back home by May.
By September, it was clear this wasn't happening. He lived here, continued to call her, stopped for quick visits etc. all the time swearing it was over & being totally wounded because I didn't believe him. I told him if I found one shred of evidence to support my suspicion, he was gone. I did. (I highly recommend Family Finder! LOL)
It was pretty ugly.later, I found an email he had sent 2 nights earlier, saying he didn't know how to live without her, but that he couldn't see any way they could be together with him living in this area. And that he didn't see himself leaving this area anytime soon. He hoped she would stick to what they had agreed, bunch of teenage dribble blah blah. She replied back that they were the loves of each others lives and that since I had made it impossible for them to talk & text or be together, she wanted to end it. Hoped they could still talk & text but he should find someone else. He has always said he can't stand her children, her family & she is simply not good enough for him. He has said that sometimes he thinks maybe it's not so bad, but then he realizes it is and he can't deal with it. She is aware of this, the night I found him there she said "B**ch, I KNOW he can't stand my kids. He tells me that to my FACE! I don't care!" Nice, huh?? in the mean time, she has lost multiple jobs, been evicted once & had two cars repossessed. It's a mess.

He claimed that the night I found him there, he had gone there to end it & I had ruined it, leaving him no choice but to stay. His shirt was ripped to shreds, he said that when he tried to leave she fought him to stay.
He stayed gone for 5 months, it was rough. He alternated between ANGER, going out of his way to come to the house & pick really bizarre fights, to being very pleasant & friendly. Saw the girls VERY LITTLE, maybe 45 minutes every 2 weeks. She had said in texts she was jealous & felt the time spent with the girls should have been hers. She wanted him to bring the girls to her home so they could spend the time "as a family". Thank goodness, he never did this, said he wasn't ready for that & knew the girls would NEVER go for it, so he used them as an excuse. I did Plan B him for a time, but by January I had decided he was gone and just wanted to get along.
Then, all of a SOS, asked if I thought he could sleep in one of the spare bedrooms, just til he could get past the A & we could start over. I told him the same conditions would apply that I had given him all along.
2/28 he showed up at my door. Had taken employees out for an award dinner, lots of drinking & HW apparently had been calling the entire time, then sent her S in to get my WH. He flipped out, she was endangering his job. Left, come to my house. Thank the Good Lord, we were not home. They had another Springer moment in my driveway, she stole his phone, hit him & left. He goes over the next am, gets his things. Swears it's over, says all the right stuff.
I've know for a few weeks he is still talking to her & seeing her I'm sure. We coexist but strangely enough, he's just not regaining any feelings for me & can't figure out why!
One minute he tells me that honestly, if we could have worked the money out a year ago, we would be D know & that it's a good thing that didn't happen. Now we can work things out between us, the next he says he wants a D, never been more than friends.
I know you are getting ready to give me the 2X4 right between the eyes & that's ok, just be gentle!I have no friends & my family has never been onboard with continuing the marriage so I can't talk to them about it at all. I know my biggest mistake was in allowing this to continue & not being stronger. Just need an outsiders opinion. I know on Wed, she texted & ended it again. I'm sure his having left her & living here must be a strain on the relationship. LOL Friday he told me he wants a D, only been married 22 years because of money, never thought of me as more than a friend. Is he confused & in a total fog? Wanting to be married, but can't live without her either? Or, am I reading something that isn't there?

I am wondering why you choose to live like this? Why would you expose your own children to this spectacle of a grown woman allowing her H to have TWO women? What would you tell your own daughters in a situation like this? What if your daughter grows up and marries a man who keeps two women in his harem?

Would you tell her to ENABLE him for years on end and just "hope" for the best?

He is not alone....

Have you considered getting counseling to uncover why you would choose to live like this and subject your own children to this spectacle?

Wow! So much for being gentle. Thanks

happytobeme, I was not trying to be "gentle," I was trying to help you.

Did you read my posts?

Why do you choose to live like this? Why are you setting this horrendous example for your daughters?

What would you tell your own daughters to do in this situation?

H2B:

Mel WILL help.

But you have been living a nightmare. Why would you continue?

Is there a chance for you? Most affairs run thier course in about two years.

Your about past that. Maybe it will work for you.

You state that you have been lurking. What have you learned?

How would you like to fix yourself? We can't help your wayward husband.

Do you want to learn about boundaries?
How to make sure that he doesn't trample yours?
Do you want to learn about surviving this nightmare?

Buy Surviving an Affair, and His Needs, Her Needs. Directly from this website. Its cheap and has fast delivery.

Then you will know a little bit better from where Mel is coming from.

She can be tough. On her Dday, she threw her WH out of the car and started beating him in the street. That's obviously one thing that H2B isn't capable of doing. But to be successful in defeating infidelity and recovering you marriage, you HAVE TO BE TOUGH.

Are you ready?

LG

Listen to Mel. She knows her stchuff!

Be strong.

I wasn't being "tough" in my posts. I asked an obvious question: why would a 41 year old woman, who is old enough to know better, choose to live like this and expose her own children to this sorry spectacle?

Ditto what the others say. Mel doesn't sugar coat things but she knows her stuff. One of the things I've learned here is the things that usually sting the most are the things I need to go back and re-read, and consider... without letting my pride or defensiveness get in the way. When something hurts or angers there is usually a kernel of truth to it that we would rather avoid.

You say you've been lurking.
Do you know what Plan A is?
Do you know what his top ENs are, and are you meeting them to the best of your ability?
Do you know what LBs are and are you avoiding them like the plague?

Have you exposed his affair? If so, when and to whom?

Your WH is ambivalent and he is a cake eater. There is hope, if you learn these concepts, get a plan, and stick to it.

I think I'm looking for constructive criticism- I took that to be more of "Oh my gosh! You are an idiot!!" LOL I already know that!

I have exposed, all family & his employer, her family knows. They think it's great. He's a catch. :crosseyedcrazy: He flipped out, totally freaked. Then, would swear it was over, he knew it wouldn't work, had to end it. Then, when the heat is off a bit, he rolls right back into it. He is a major, big time cake eater. I get that. He uses intmidation, threats & manipulation to keep you in line. They do it to each other too(WH & OW)
I let it all go this fall, started D papers & contacted a mediator. She could get no where with him, said he was like a caged lion, backed into a corner. Completely& totally confused and making no sense at all. He was furious, we were puzzled. He lived with his GF, why wouldn't he want a D? I told him I was just trying to give him what he wanted.
He did sign sep papers,but I finally dropped the D just because my financial concerns were covered with the sep. & I really didn't want a D.
We were absolute best friends, he has never "liked" most people & doesn't like to socialize. I was his only friend. Practically one person. I have always had a couple close girlfriends (which he alway resented) but I never went out without him & vice versa.
It's always been "you & me against the world" we've relocated several times, & I'm sure being isolated didn't help but- I simply couldnt accept that he wasn't telling me the truth! I've read Surviving An Affair and I knew that all the stuff he was saying about the M was BS, but until recently, he would not even discuss D, always just kept saying "I know it's going to work out" I've only recently gotten strong enough to accept that pretty much anything that comes out of his mouth is untrue & he can't be trusted.
I've realized that, although I ran what I thought was a pretty good Plan A, I did it for the sole purpose of getting him to come back. Not because I NEEDED IT FOR ME. We were so intertwined I couldn't reach that "loving detachment" place.

What would I tell my girls? What DO I tell my girls? Jeez, I tell them that you don't ever let anyone make you feel like your feelings don't matter. I tell them all we can do is pray for him & ourselves then do what's best for us. I tell them we are moving as soon as they finish the school year & I know they don't want that, but it has to be that way. We've moved them so many times & he has worked that. The first summer it was so DD2 could finish her Sr year out. This year it was so DD2 & 3 could finish out middle school. But, as soon as school is out we have to get out of here.
Fog? I'm sure of it. Maybe not so much now, but oh yeah! I've been there. Just trying to work my way out of it now.

Happytobe, sorry you find yourself here.

First read some of the Vets stories. Educate yourself.
Next ask yourself...do you want to save your M. Don't keep throwing the D word around if you are using it as pawn chip. If you need to protect yourself financially then do what you need to do then.

You have been on a wild ride. Take a breathe and make a plan and a goal. Read what you wrote here. It is madness for you and your family. Your children do not need to be exposed to that.

Your H is using your family as a revolving door. Time to put a lock on it and detach.

Work on yourself and YOUR needs not how it reacts to him.

I am not a vet and in the middle of D that I do not want but WH filed. But I know there are good success stories here.

Here is what confuses me. (Among other things!!) I don't want a D. In the last month or so, if he's upset he'll say he does. The other night he sent me this series of texts about how he had been sitting around for hours trying to figure out what made him happy & why he did the things he did. That he never wanted to break his girls hearts and his whole life has been about making other people happy, that he never gets to do for himself. That he has nothing to show for his years of work and living. He says he can't commit to any kind of relationship, that he knows his marriage is crap and he doesn't have any reason or desire to fix it. He is just going to step outside himself & do what makes him happy & everyone else can go to H**L So, I take that to mean he is saying he wants a D??
The texts he sent to me were forwards & I think he sent them to the OW too because they don't say FW usually & the whole thing about "committing to a relationship" really threw me for a loop. He says they only went to me but, he's a BFL so that doesn't mean much. I asked him what is he saying? He flips out, tells me it has nothing to do with me, he was just trying to get something off his chest. I told him the years of work were appreciated, that I was sorry he was hurting & that I would be thinking about him. He got really ticked off that I mentioned the texts & said "don't!" I told him I would be praying for him. He says "well don't, it won't do any good"
I said all you can do is put yourself in G**s hands & pray. He yells "well maybe I should just be thinking I need a D! Maybe that's what I should be praying for!"
I thought that's what he was saying. I don't think HE KNOW WHAT HE'S SAYING EITHER.
Here's my question- I've been working a pretty good plan A, especially for the last 2 weeks when I've finally mastered the detachment & calm.
I've told him I don't mind coexisting FOR A TIME and that he is welcome in the house but that he isn't going to "date" & live here. He claims he's ended it so there shouldn't be any reason to worry about him not coming home at night but, I totally don't believe that he's stopped talking to her. They fight like crazy & she's always texting to say that "she is done" and now he will have to live without her and the "siport" (her spelling, not mine) of his "best friend"
I think he freaks when she does it & jumps through hoops to keep it going. Which is so not him! But, then he's pi**y & takes it out on me.
So, obviously Plan B will come into effect at some point, right? He will have to leave the house for that to happen, right? It it just a matter of planning & dropping it on him. Not driven by events, correct? Unless of course, he decides to go spend the night with the OW in which case, he's out. I've already told him that.
I've never been clear on transitioning from A to B, obviously!

I would begin Plan B immediately. First by asking him to leave. Then we can help you with a Plan B letter.

Are your finances separated? Do you have an intermediary you can use?

Really? I've always thought keeping him here was to my advantage!
Timing is so weird here. My girls get out of school next month, he is expecting a promotion which will require another transfer. We thought that would come about the 1st of June or July. At first he kept saying the transfer would be great, it would solve the "problem" of getting away from the OW. Up until 2 weeks ago he would say occasionally that he didn't know what was going to happen with us & then continue to plan & talk about what we would do when we moved, where we should live etc.
Suddenly, he can't stand me, has no desire to fix the marriage & claims to be moving alone. I feel like he's using our home as a place to crash & then "dating" the OW, teenager stuff, sneaking around texting. He is miserable when he lives with her because she A. is poor, doesn't work B. makes him crazy and C. her kids drive him nuts. (I don't have any proof he's seeing her, just gut. I'm usually dead on)
I have NO intermediary at all. When he left before I ask him to just contact the girls directly regarding visitation, which wasn't a big deal considering he only found time to see them 4 o 5 times in 5 months. We have a written agreement as far as finances go. My only concern is because I don't know anyone he had agreed to help if I had car trouble or needed something fixed around the house. Plan B means I'm on my own & that's pretty scary. But,I know I'll live, it's only for 6 weeks & then the girls will be out of school & we can go home.
So, no more Plan A, kick him to the curb. LOL

Plan A should last about 3 or 4 weeks and I think you are about 3 years into this affair? So, no it is not in your best interest or his to continue to be a flop house for him while he carries on his affair. Plan B is way, way overdue.

I would get him out now and then go dark as night in a air tight Plan B.

Do you have Surviving an Affair? The Plan B letter template is in there.

Well, this would defeat the whole purpose of Plan B, so I would make other plans to get things fixed around your house. There are always handy men!

Yes, I agree. Now, a question. First off, I don't WANT a D. Who does?? LOL
But, is it time to consider letting this go? Is continuing this holding pattern counter productive? I feel like all I'm doing is assuring him that he can do whatever he wants & I'll always be right here, waiting on him to decide.

htb, I agree with you. You have become his enabler. Without consequences, he is being trained to be a bad man and has no reason to change.

So, is it Plan B with a D? Or just a D?

Happy,

I have a WH like yours. He was the ultimate cake eater. Why?
Because I baked cakes like there was no tomorrow. He will do this as long as you let him.

If you don't want a D, don't file for one, but do file for legal separation to protect yourself financially and prevent him from running off on you and not giving you support. Tell him if he wants the D, he has to do it.

Remove yourself from this triangle before it destroys you. Plan B girlfriend.