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Thanks everybody. MF I hear you and thanks for the advice.
My WH looks horrible too!! I actually do have empathy for him in that I know that he's not a bad person under all this. If I didn't believe that the I would have to believe that he is a cruel, hateful, mean person that lacks the capacity for compassion and empathy. I have to believe it's the fog that allows him to do these things...
One thing that concerns me is I asked the OW if she was looking for a job and she said some yada yada yada crap about it but I'm not buying it. I know I can't force her to do it but I'm really really hoping she will be the one to do it....
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ok don't 2x4 me for the job thing... I know I know 
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Well you can HOPE all you want, but the bottom line is...if she doesn't leave, your WH will have to or there will be NO RECOVERING FROM THIS.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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VST, try and remember one thing... the hateful, mean person that you're dealing with NOW is your WH... not your H. Try and keep it in that perspective and WH's rants and ugliness won't mean as much. It's not your H. It's WH and you don't like him either!
Widowed 11/10/12 after 35 years of marriage
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“In a sense now, I am homeless. For the home, the place of refuge, solitude, love-where my husband lived-no longer exists.” Joyce Carolyn Oates, A Widow's Story
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No, I don't like him!
I meant to tell OW when I called her to return a certain gift that my WH bought her (jewelry) and I forgot. Should I do that?
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One thing that concerns me is I asked the OW if she was looking for a job and she said some yada yada yada crap about it but I'm not buying it. I know I can't force her to do it but I'm really really hoping she will be the one to do it.... vst, hope is not a plan. I hate to tell you this, but she has no reason to leave the job. Why should she? She can go there every day and make goo goo eyes at your H and sneak off for a quickie with him. She does not need to leave the job. Her H doesn't give a crap if she continues to work with her lover. She is not the one with the problem with them working together, vst, YOU ARE. So telling her to leave or expecting that to happen is a waste of your energy. Bravo for calling the skank!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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No, I don't like him!
I meant to tell OW when I called her to return a certain gift that my WH bought her (jewelry) and I forgot. Should I do that? How about asking her H to get her to send it back?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Regarding WH looking bad...just saw mine for the first time in about 2 months. I almost didn't recognize him -- REALLY.
He looked heavier, greyer, balder and OLDER. And -- not attractive!!!
And I've received several compliments lately -- REALLY, no joke -- how I look YOUNGER, more relaxed, GOOD.
Isn't that ironic?
I guess you can tell who's living the good life!
M 25 yrs, 3 teens
Dday 12/07
5ish False Recoveries (all in 2008)
12/08 WH moves in w/OW, her kids
Plan B/D/FU -- depending on the day
He files 1/09; D final 12/2012
"I'm moving on"
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How about asking her H to get her to send it back? I agree. vts, good job calling. I know that took a lot of courage. Please be prepared to REQUIRE your WH to leave his job. If OW HAPPENS to leave first, fine. But don't base your PLANS around that. Your boundary is that he cannot work with OW. HE has to figure out HOW to make that happen.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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vst --
Good job confronting her!
Have you established a good repoir with OWH? It would be great if you could call him with updates, and get his side of things.
Just like the jewelry -- you could ask him to retrieve it. He likely doesn't even know that it was a gift from your husband.
Its a great way to provide him with more ammo. Just imagine if she's telling him its all over, and yet wearing that piece of jewelry at the same time????
Don't worry about what your husband is SAYING. They all say the same crap.
Think of it this way -- when he starts spewing venom your way, hold up the mirror to deflect it back on him. Its not your husband saying those things, its some alien that has possessed his body. You need the mirror to protect yourself. You need to continue deflecting his crap back onto HIM. When he complains about consequences -- agree that it sucks, but don't accept ANY blame.
Don't participate in the blame game. He would VERY much like to blame you for everything. Don't let him. He needs to face that HE is the one to blame for this. Its time for him to look in the mirror!
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I can call the OWH. The only thing is, he usually takes anything I say and rants about it and calls my WH on it and then I get a flipping hear full from WH telling me I'm pusing him away and adding fuel to the fire etc. I'm not afraid to do it, but the consequences for me suck.
To be honest, I do feel that I've pushed WH to the limit and any more pushing will just put a cap on it. I mean, I'm not able to do Plan A right now because he hates me so much and doesn't want anything to do with me. I feel like if I do keep "adding fuel to the fire" it's not allowing him to calm down and not be so angry at me. If I keep him in an uproar I won't get a chance to do any PAing.
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I can call the OWH. The only thing is, he usually takes anything I say and rants about it and calls my WH on it and then I get a flipping hear full from WH telling me I'm pusing him away and adding fuel to the fire etc. I'm not afraid to do it, but the consequences for me suck. Stop being scared of the consequences. Keeping his feet to the flame is PLAN A. Tell him it is your job to "add fuel to the fire." If he calls and says "YOU ARE ADDDING FUEL TO THE FIRE" politely say THANK YOU, HUNNY. He still believes he can bully you with his anger, so allowing him to manipulate you into silence only fuels that belief. Every action should be done on the basis that it is RIGHT, not on the basis of whether it makes your FOGGED OUT wayward H mad. Ask yourself this: IS THIS THE RIGHT THING TO DO? If yes, then do it. Stop worrying about his girly litttle tantrums, good grief.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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vst, how old is this boy?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I can call the OWH. The only thing is, he usually takes anything I say and rants about it and calls my WH on it and then I get a flipping hear full from WH telling me I'm pusing him away and adding fuel to the fire etc. I'm not afraid to do it, but the consequences for me suck. Stop being scared of the consequences. Keeping his feet to the flame is PLAN A. Tell him it is your job to "add fuel to the fire." If he calls and says "YOU ARE ADDDING FUEL TO THE FIRE" politely say THANK YOU, HUNNY. He still believes he can bully you with his anger, so allowing him to manipulate you into silence only fuels that belief. Every action should be done on the basis that it is RIGHT, not on the basis of whether it makes your FOGGED OUT wayward H mad. Ask yourself this: IS THIS THE RIGHT THING TO DO? If yes, then do it. Stop worrying about his girly litttle tantrums, good grief. Thanks Mel, you're right and I'm glad you're here to keep me on track!
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vst, how old is this boy? 47 years old but emotionally like a 5th grader.....
Last edited by verysadtime; 04/21/09 07:40 PM.
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I just don't know if I'm cut out for this Plan A stuff. I'm really starting to think I just hate him! How dare he? I have suffered all these years living without my EN being met, asking for us to do something about the state of our marriage, but just being ignored. He has ignored this family pretty much the entire time. The job ALWAYS came first then HIS RELAXATION came second then HIS FRIENDS, then maybe our DD then maybe me. That is how it's been for YEARS! He replaced me early in our marriage with his first EA that lasted for years and I believe probably a PA with another work "friend" in between and now this. He is a SERIAL CHEATER. I truly believe this. He has the audacity to blame me for everything?? Why am I even thinking about doing this? I'm gritting my teeth right now because I just HATE HIM SO MUCH! HE IS A JERK! I want to stomp on his face... He emails me telling me he misses our DD so much and could we try to have a family weekend. I want to ask him what is going on but that would be relationship talk. I have no idea what is going on in his mind. We have not talked in a while now. He's been so mad at me that he's stayed away. What can I say to him? Anything asking about what is going on? Or only try to meet his EN.....?
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I mean, I want to ask him "are you still involved with OW?" and "do you still want to try to work out our marriage?"
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Just ask him "What did you have in mind as family time."
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Just ask him "What did you have in mind as family time." That doesn't answer my REAL QUESTIONS!! 
Last edited by verysadtime; 04/22/09 06:16 PM.
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Sorry, I'm having a moment....
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