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Thanks Mel, you're right. I've been thinking about what my life will be between now and whenever.....whenever I realize that no one is leaving and I have to go to Plan B.....but I do think I need to try to be in Plan A this weekend just to leave a good memory in place before the big blow up. The last thing on his mind should be pleasant, pleasant, pleasant. That means you need to discuss 2 issues with him NOW so he understands what you require and then you have the weekend to create good memories. So, tomorrow, discuss these 2 issues with him: 1. leaving the job so your marriage can recover - THIS IS WHAT YOU WILL REQUIRE 2. Selling the boat because it is now tainted and will cause you nothing but heartbreak and grief This is what you will REQUIRE to move forward. I would be having this discussion with him TODAY or TOMORROW so you can leave it behind this weekend. Then next week, change your locks, and hand him the Plan B letter. But before you go into Plan B, you will have to have all your ducks in a row. Set up a visitation schedule for your DD and make it clear in your letter he is to let her off in the driveway. You will expect him to pay the bills as usual. The last memories of you need to be as pleasant as possible.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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But... it may be time for "B" now if you think this is more than a rant.. No, I'm ok I was just letting of some major steam. I don't consider my mental health at risk right now. I mean, after what I've been thru for the past year, I would greatly disappoint myself if I crashed now. It's just given my personality, it's going to be very hard to Plan A. 3-4 weeks, vst, 3-4 weeks. Plan A is not supposed to be a way of life for conflict avoiders.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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 Mel.... JUST GET TO THE POINT!! [/quote] You know me! Miss Beat around da Bush!  Unless plan A leaves the wayward spouse with the impression that returning home is an attractive choice, separation can become permanent. So before implementing plan B, you want to be sure that the last thing your spouse remembers about you is the care and thoughtfulness you offered in plan A. That way, the separation can help create, "absence makes the heart grow fonder." .....Harley EXACTAMUNDO!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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[/quote]
No, I'm ok I was just letting of some major steam. I don't consider my mental health at risk right now. I mean, after what I've been thru for the past year, I would greatly disappoint myself if I crashed now.
It's just given my personality, it's going to be very hard to Plan A. [/quote]
Glade to here that...VST... better to us than WH (LB) or DD..... Just let us know it's a rant.. Mel is the best at protecting a BS from damage.... she is a TIGER....warn us it's a rant....
That's what the board is for.. cry here.. scream here...and once in a while have a laugh....
But we want you safe.... that was pretty scary for a while...
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vst, trust me, it is going to get harder and harder to control your ire and protect your mental health. You have been dealing with this for a very long time [TOO LONG] and part of the reason you have endured so long is becuase you WERE IN DENIAL.
We have yanked you out of that, so you no longer have the refuge of your delusion. Nor is it in your H's best interest to be enabled in this way. Every day he sees the OW at work just further entrenches his affair because there are never consequences. This continues to happen for this very reason.
My point is that it is better for your marriage to go dark BEFORE you go down farther. Women, especially, don't endure this kind of abuse for long before they flip. People don't get warning notices before they have nervous breakdowns. Get out while you can still hold your temper for a day or two.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Ok, I will have the conversation about what he is going to do to salvage this marriage, have a plan A weekend, have 3 or 4 more weeks of Plan A, where I still keep the pressure on him and then Plan B. Thanks Mel, you are a tiger and I'm glad you're here with me to keep me straight on the MB plan.  And Frank, you're great at calming me down and keeping me focused on the present. Thanks to both of you!! 
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Another thought about the boat...Sell it like Mel suggested and he can buy a BIGGER better boat that your family can ride by blowing the horn and waving at the OW with...  Ok....a little ratty...but fun to think about...  Mel... off subject...I would appreciate if you would jump over to a thread I started for my DD... I would love your input...She's not posting yet but I am emailing her the responses and she is feeling better... Frank
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vst, trust me, it is going to get harder and harder to control your ire and protect your mental health. You have been dealing with this for a very long time [TOO LONG] and part of the reason you have endured so long is becuase you WERE IN DENIAL.
We have yanked you out of that, so you no longer have the refuge of your delusion. Nor is it in your H's best interest to be enabled in this way. Every day he sees the OW at work just further entrenches his affair because there are never consequences. This continues to happen for this very reason.
My point is that it is better for your marriage to go dark BEFORE you go down farther. Women, especially, don't endure this kind of abuse for long before they flip. People don't get warning notices before they have nervous breakdowns. Get out while you can still hold your temper for a day or two. Excellent point, I was in denial for so so long that that is how I got thru it. And I have enabled him totally as well. I can see how the big emotions will probably sneak up on me and hit me hard. :twobyfour: I'm taking that advice to heart!
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Another thought about the boat...Sell it like Mel suggested and he can buy a BIGGER better boat that your family can ride by blowing the horn and waving at the OW with... Frank Excellent idea Frank! He'll acutally like that idea.....
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Ha...I think it will be YOUR boat if he doesn't shape up!
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Ha...I think it will be YOUR boat if he doesn't shape up! Ha! You're right about that girlfriend!!
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I was just thinking about what Mel said about keeping the pressure on during this time. I've always danced around his "stress" whether it be due to work or this situation.
I think I need to stop dancing....
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Maybe that is something to do together this weekend .... Go boat shopping. It would definitely meet his RC need. And it would help him see that keeping the family intact is the only way he gets to keep his toys....
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Ok so I just asked him what his plans are to salvage our marriage and this is what I got:
"My plan right now is to lay low and focus on work... I am dealing with a lot of crap that has been stirred up in my family and at work. When all that dies down, I can think about poking my head out and thinking about working on something... Right now, I just want to see my daughter and keep from saying things to you that I might regret later... I have a tremendous amount of anger toward you and I have to deal with all the crap with the world knowing my personal business and to an extent being involved in it. That is wrong, was a bad idea and has pushed me about as far from you as I can be... All that said, I love DD and I miss her and I want to spend as much time with her that is "normal' as possible."
This reply does not surprise me at all.
Any reply suggestions?
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That is why I avoid conflict with him. It just creates more conflict!
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"You are a completely selfish *sshole and I hope you rot in hell." Oh wait, sorry...that is for Plan FU. 
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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"You are a completely selfish *sshole and I hope you rot in hell." Oh wait, sorry...that is for Plan FU. I'll probably end up going to that plan unfortunately..... But really, any ideas?
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"Yes, I know, things are very hard for me and I have a ton of anger as well. A TON. I also have to bite my tongue so as not to say things I may regret later.
So, what did you want to do this weekend? DD deserves for us to put our selfish, grown-up issues on the backburner and do something fun with her. I know I can do that for her, can you?
What do you suggest we do? How about (fill in the blank here with a REALLY GREAT recreational activity that you know he loves and DD will like as well)."
P.S. This is a bit of RB as well as some Plan A. You could even start the email off with a HAHAHAHAHA, isn't that funny?!?!? We are both feeling the SAME THINGS!!
This lets him know that his actions have hurt OTHERS as well and will put a little crimp in his "oh, poor me, I have been so hurt over all of this" nonsense.
Last edited by MarriedForever; 04/22/09 07:54 PM.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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Ok so I just asked him what his plans are to salvage our marriage and this is what I got:
"My plan right now is to lay low and focus on work... I am dealing with a lot of crap that has been stirred up in my family and at work. When all that dies down, I can think about poking my head out and thinking about working on something... Right now, I just want to see my daughter and keep from saying things to you that I might regret later... I have a tremendous amount of anger toward you and I have to deal with all the crap with the world knowing my personal business and to an extent being involved in it. That is wrong, was a bad idea and has pushed me about as far from you as I can be... All that said, I love DD and I miss her and I want to spend as much time with her that is "normal' as possible."
This reply does not surprise me at all.
Any reply suggestions? "I am very sorry you put our marriage in this position. But I am willing to work on the marriage and work on forgiving you if you leave that job and end all contact with the OW. I am also very triggered by that boat and don't want to keep it knowing what happened with the OW on it. That just breaks my heart. I am willing to consider another boat, though, so maybe we could boat shop this weekend. please just know I love you and am very willing to forgive you if you will do the necessary things to put our marriage together, such as leave the job and get rid of the boat."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This doesn't have to be conflict. Just think of it as sending messages into the fog. Get your shots in, and ignore what comes back.
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