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Let him know this------------> "I am willing to forgive you and give you a chance to earn my trust." Let him know you would be willing under CERTAIN circumstances.
You have not yet told him there is a ENTRANCE PRICE, so he is focusing only his own anger at getting busted.
And I do suspect he is still actively seeing the OW. They have just gone further underground.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He is angry because you INTERFERED WITH HIS AFFAIR, keep that in mind. This is all because you made it harder for him to see the OW.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I know he's really really pissed that people at work know. He says my exposing was WRONG. How do I reply to that?
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I know he's really really pissed that people at work know. He says my exposing was WRONG. How do I reply to that? "I am sorry you are embarrassed about your affair. I am embarrassed too." then drop it, you can't reason with a falling down drunk. There is nothing to debate here. When his affair really does end he won't be so pissed about it.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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How about this for a reply...
This whole thing has been hard on everyone involved... It is just as hard on me and DD that everyone knows. But please believe me it was done out of love not anger... People that have restored their marriages have told me there was no other way... They also tell me that you will thank me someday...
What's important now is that we formulate a plan together to fix this... I took care of all I could from my end....now you have to take care of your end....I KNOW you can do this!!
I love you... DD loves you and we will get though this and have a better marriage than we ever thought possible... You can do this!! I have faith in you... and us... WE CAN DO THIS!!
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are you writing a reply, vst?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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This is what I have:
"Yes, I know, things are very hard for me and I have a ton of anger as well. A TON. I also have to bite my tongue so as not to say things I may regret later. I am very sorry you put our marriage in this position. But I am willing to work on the marriage and work on forgiving you if you end all contact with her. I'm hoping there will soon come a time when you will be able to think about what you have done to your family instead of what I have done to you. My purpose was to try and save what your actions were destroying. I'm sorry you are embarassed about your affair, I'm embarassed too. Our lives have been shattered, my life and Erin's life, by your continious affair. I would love to put our lives and our family back together but I need your help.
So, what did you want to do this weekend? DD deserves for us to put our selfish, grown-up issues on the backburner and do something fun with her. I know I can do that for her, can you?"
What do you think?
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So, what did you want to do this weekend? Shoot myself....LOL... I think some of it was a little too educational....and you seem a little bitter... If you are being nice... AND biting your tougue NOW.. what will it be like when I come home... trapped.....? WH
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Maybe I should add, "well, you liked me when I was enabling your affair!"
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WHAT YOU WROTE AND WHAT HE MAY HEAR…
Yes, I know, things are very hard for me and I have a ton of anger as well. A TON. I’M JUST BEING NICE TO GET YOU TO STOP…… I also have to bite my tongue so as not to say things I may regret later. I’M NOT BEING TOTALLY HONEST ABOUT HOW I FEEL… IF YOU KNEW YOU’D BE MAD……..I am very sorry you put our marriage in this position. But I am willing to work on the marriage and work on forgiving you if you end all contact with her.I WANT YOU TO END THE AFFAIR BUT….I STILL MAY NEVER FORGIVE YOU….. I'm hoping there will soon come a time when you will be able to think about what you have done to your family instead of what I have done to you. IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT AND YOU WILL NEVER LIVE IT DOWN….IF I HAVE ANY SAY….My purpose was to try and save what your actions were destroying. I'm sorry you are embarassed about your affair, I'm embarassed too. Our lives have been shattered, my life and Erin's life, by your continious affair. I WILL MAKE YOU FEEL GUILTY FOREVER…….MY LIFE AND HER LIFE IS BEYOND REPAIR…..I would love to put our lives and our family back together but I need your help.THIS IS GOOD….
So, what did you want to do this weekend? DD deserves for us to put our selfish, ARE YOU FEELING GUILTY?? grown-up issues on the backburner and do something fun with her. I know I can do that for her, can you?"
What do you think?
Read what I posted before… I think he has no hope and if you don’t TRULY believe he never will and since he already ruined everything… why stop…..?
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be I should add, "well, you liked me when I was enabling your affair!" Temper temper...... 
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This is what I have:
"Yes, I know, things are very hard for me and I have a ton of anger as well. A TON. I also have to bite my tongue so as not to say things I may regret later. I am very sorry you put our marriage in this position. But I am willing to work on the marriage and work on forgiving you if you end all contact with her. I'm hoping there will soon come a time when you will be able to think about what you have done to your family instead of what I have done to you. My purpose was to try and save what your actions were destroying. I'm sorry you are embarassed about your affair, I'm embarassed too. Our lives have been shattered, my life and Erin's life, by your continious affair. I would love to put our lives and our family back together but I need your help.
So, what did you want to do this weekend? DD deserves for us to put our selfish, grown-up issues on the backburner and do something fun with her. I know I can do that for her, can you?"
What do you think? Send the dang thing, it is a TAKE!!! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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ok but I have two different opinions here......
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that letter is just great, send it!
Part of the reason he is sulking today is because you called the OW, which caused conflict in his affair. He hasn't admitted that to you, though, because that is an admission that he is in contact with the ho, WHICH HE IS.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Listen VST... this is how I see this.. you've done a GREAT job exposing.. and I know that was tough for you.. bravo...but just as Plan "A" IS about exposing and trying to negociate the end of the affair...
It's ALSO about a spouse with a firm belief that things can change... a spouse that is willing to forgive and move forward and work hard to fix a broken marriage....and to make changes in herself to be the kind of spouse he will never want to cheat on... If he's a serial cheater... the kind of spouse that will help him dig down and find the reason... the pain that in the past caused him to do this...
You have to see this from his angle too.... If ....like Harley says.. he feels that you are a "safe" place to return to he will... if he feels it's hopeless... he won't.
You have a GREAT opportunity to get some deposits this weekend...that HE ASKED FOR.... make the best and then decide...
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Listen VST... this is how I see this.. you've done a GREAT job exposing.. and I know that was tough for you.. bravo...but just as Plan "A" IS about exposing and trying to negociate the end of the affair...
It's ALSO about a spouse with a firm belief that things can change... a spouse that is willing to forgive and move forward and work hard to fix a broken marriage....and to make changes in herself to be the kind of spouse he will never want to cheat on... If he's a serial cheater... the kind of spouse that will help him dig down and find the reason... the pain that in the past caused him to do this...
You have to see this from his angle too.... If ....like Harley says.. he feels that you are a "safe" place to return to he will... if he feels it's hopeless... he won't.
You have a GREAT opportunity to get some deposits this weekend...that HE ASKED FOR.... make the best and then decide... Thanks. I'm going to hold off on my reply for now - I'm feeling torn so I want to pray about it. I totally see both your points, Mel & Frank. I'd love to hear from a FWH on this pending reply. Anybody?
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Send that letter just as you wrote it.
That's not only my vote,
it's smb's vote as well.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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Thanks. I'm going to hold off on my reply for now - I'm feeling torn so I want to pray about it. I totally see both your points, Mel & Frank.
I'd love to hear from a FWH on this pending reply. Anybody? vst, I am not going to post here anymore because it just causes too much confusion. But I will leave you with this thought. It is a big mistake to overthink every little thing. It has left you in a state of analysis paralysis that should not be there and only contributes to your practice of conflict avoidance. Conflict avoidance and indecision is what has led you to this terrible place. This response should not have taken more than 10 minutes deliberation. This letter should never have been a big deal. I wish you luck but I am moving on..
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Send that letter just as you wrote it.
That's not only my vote,
it's smb's vote as well. Thanks tst and thank smb as well!
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Appeasement will get you nowhere with a wayward.
Your letter, the way you wrote it, is brilliant.
Recovery began 10/07;
Meeting my wife's EN's is my "thank you" that refuses to be silenced.
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