Muted,
I've never posted to your thread because I couldn't figure out what your deal was, it seemed like you were saying "all the right things" to a certain extent.
Who did you think you were fooling? You've had some of the best posting to you and you've basically made a mockery of them. You're lucky that some of them are willing to continue on with you (if you'll get real).
When did you REALLY first break contact? I suspect that there were more than just phone calls.
I went through your thread and highlighted some dates and statements made by you that were foggy or just downright lies. I did this so you could see the pattern. Can you?
February 15 I didn't get any text messages or phone calls from my xOM but I did receive some flowers which I refused.
This is the first time that I've heard from him since 12/29.
We'll get together tonight to put together a NC letter.
Mel/Mrs. W: I haven't contacted him, but I know you'll call me out on this one since the OM broke NC. I could change my number but he can easily get my new one. I have to post my number on my e-mails and he could get the new number from my out of office replies.
How do I work with this when I've got nothing to hide and am offering but he won't look?
I know he's afraid to trust me and I will continue on the MB and Christian pathway to earn his trust and most importantly, learn to trust myself again.
I'm having a tough time within myself today. Fog, withdrawl, triggers.
Spartan could tell that there was something bothering me and at first he felt certain that I had broken NC. I talked to him this morning and opened up to him about a few things. I had some strong feelings of withdrawl yesterday and called another MB member for support.
I am losing my mind with withdrawal today but am still maintaining NC.....THANK GOD.
Maybe he feels that I've broken NC but I have an open trail and encourage him to verify my whereabouts.
Sure, I was able to hide things from Spartan for a while but not a single movement of mine was missed by God. I remember praying aloud in the garage and telling Him, "I am so busted for this" and shaking my head in disgust at myself. 1 Corinthians 6 brought me to my KNEES!!!
My will has truly been put to the test today.......and I passed. As I was leaving for lunch today, the OM and I saw each other on the road. We made eye contact, he waved and I continued driving.
He was proud of me and was grateful for my honesty.
Secondly, I will show Spartan where the OM lives. Not knowing has been bothering him. I also explained to him what he looks like (I do not have any pictures and he doesn't do any social networking sites). He wants to be able to recognize him should he show up at our door or we run into him by chance.
When will this withdrawal stop?! I'm really burned out on feeling like I'm living in a void.
Been talking to my husband about things rather than hiding them and journaling.
I will cancel my membership today.
All is not well on the homefront. Lots of AO'S, DJ's and blameshifting on both of our parts.
I've been putting "check points" in place for him so that he knows where I am and who I am with at all times. Same thing with the cell phone.
I can feel myself headed down to a very deep depression. Very difficult to get out of bed in the mornings, I don't want to eat any more and I feel like crying for no apparent reason.
I sorely miss training but even if I had my membership I doubt that I would go. My self esteem is so low that I don't even want to go out any more.
Tonight, I see our counselor but will be going solo since Spartan has to go out of town for work until Sun. Don't worry...I have PLENTY to keep me busy.
Spartan and I miss each other very much and have been calling and texting since he left.
Nose piercing went totally well! My mum decided to go somewhere else, so it was just the boys and I.
I cannot lie and say that I haven't been tempted to want to see the xOM but then I pray to bind those thoughts and I envision Jesus dying on the cross and the thoughts disappear quickly.
Never again will I open my lovebank to someone else.
He has been asking me very detailed questions about the SF that I got from the OM and then he hates me for the answer. I don't know what to do anymore.
FIGHTING, FIGHTING, FIGHTING....that's all we ever do! I can't do anything right and I'm STILL being punished for something that happened LAST WEEK!!
By the time we got home, I was ready to file for divorce.
I daydream of living alone with the kids and doing things as a single mom.
I think I have been drinking to escape the pain and guilt of what I have done.
Yes, I'm trying very hard to be trusted again although I do get frustrated that it can't be gained overnight.
I had a very hard time softening up while we were there. I could feel myself throwing up a cold, steel wall and getting defensive and annoyed when I would see couples who were truly connected with each other.
There were times where I could feel myself being lifted up but then came crashing down again. I will NOT submit to the adversary!! In stead of looking stunned, saying "this isn't happening to me" I need to stand up and scream "THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN TO ME!"
I need a no contact letter. I backslid.
I will change my cell number tonight.
I don't want him to leave me, but how can I blame him? What I did was completely unnecessary, stupid and selfish.
OM texted/called. I responded. He called and was still wanting me to leave Spartan and was angry that I chose my marriage over him. Said some very hurtful things to me.
He texted me and I texted back. He called me and left me a message and said he wanted to talk to me about something (sounded serious). I called back and we got into a pretty heated arguement for about 30 minutes.
I haven't offered Spartan ANY excuses or tried to back out of telling the truth with any of his questions. I have sincerely apologized to him. I will endure his anger...he has every right to be!
I didn't have a strong plan because it still left an open avenue for contact. I will change my number.
Until it gets changed, I put him in my phone with the name of DO NOT ANSWER.
I'm pretty certain that he won't ever contact me again, but if that will ensure that he doesn't, I will.
There is only one loophole that he will be able to get through and that is the work e-mail address. I can have him blocked, but he can still e-mail me from another address.
I just got his number blocked and am no longer scared of my phone. It was the bain of my existance.
It was purely out of selfish motives to find out what he had to say to me. I was still going through withdrawal and I allowed him to contact me while I was weak by not changing my number back in Dec.
I have purged any and all reminders of him that I could find. I also blocked him from e-mailing me at work.
I haven't changed my number yet because I am waiting on Steve Harley to call me. POSOM is blocked to my number and to my e-mail. It's been a HUGE relief not hearing from him.
I have deleted & trashed anything and everything that reminded me of him. ALL OF IT. There isn't one thing that remains in my possession that reminds me of him. I want to go through my cell phone call history and delete his number out of there as well. I don't even want to see his phone number.
I have had a very repentant heart since Monday.
I can honestly show that I want this by choosing to remain in the light.
I chose to take the bait.
I knew within my heart that God NEVER blessed that relationship. It was damned with the first thought of it entering in my head.
I got addicted to the extra attention that I received from the OM and the fantasy life that I could never in reality have.
I owe OM absolutely NOTHING. I will not allow him any space in my head, heart, soul or marriage.
I'm in this for the long haul. When I start feeling weak, I have not only God, but a network of MB friends that I can turn to for support.
And after ALL of this, it is revealed that you've had OVER 50 phone conversations with OM. Not ONCE did you own up to that. Not ONCE did you admit that you were lying to your DH and to the posters who were posting to you.
Are you done lying? Why don't you come clean and tell ALL OF IT. Not just what was found out. There's more, right?
