There are people who recognize the danger and stop, and there are people who decide not to stop. It is not one decision. It is a series of decisions, and that is why I think it is due to weak character or immorality.

From my perspective, based on things he has said to me, the devastating part of the affair to him was the change in his own view of himself. It was painful to have put himself up on a pedastal as far as moral character is concerned and then have to face that he had an affair. He seems to completely lack any sort of appreciation for the pain he has caused his wife, his parents, his children, or his wife's family.

Since the pain he feels has to do with his own view of himself, the reason why he wouldn't have another affair is to avoid experiencing that pain again.

Sure, he could justify another affair. He justified having an affair as the only way he could stay married, which was the moral thing to do. What would hold him back is the pain it would cause him.

My husband called it "a convenient escape."

It was really hard dealing with a frazzled wife with colicky baby, a 1 year old, a 3 year old and a 6 year old. It was much more fun to go out to nice restaurants with a nice-looking woman who could pay rapt attention to you.

That 1 year old is now 8, and her First Communion is in two days. My parents are coming and seeing my husband for the first time since they learned that, in addition to having an affair, he broke my arm because I threatened to call this woman. That was the week before Christmas and 12 days after I had a hysterectomy, and I hid the broken arm for four months. He's not being very gracious about seeing them. It makes me realize how little he has changed. He once said that he's the same person I married. Yes, it's true. He is. The affair was not out of character. The affair revealed his character.

My parents are staying with my brother, who lives in my same town. Next Wednesday is a band concert for our 10 year old, and our 15 year old is attending Driver's Ed until 6 and then leaving for a band trip at 8. My husband wanted to attend the Band Concert, and I said I'd be willing to take care of the daughter who needs to be picked up from Driver's Ed and then taken back to the school at 8 for the Band concert. As he was leaving, I heard him mutter under my breath, "But I don't want to be stuck with your parents." When I asked him what he said, he said, "Nothing."

What a despicable jerk.

I do believe people can change. I believe he could change in the future. I married him with a different view of his character. My view has changed because of how he has treated me and continues to act.

We have managed to live together to care for our children, and I try to stay away from him as much as I can. For our wedding anniversary, I am giving him a book that portrays how two people can live together for years with completely different views of the marriage and one person can create an entire myth about their spouse to justify immoral behavior. It's called The Viper's Tangle. I doubt very much that he'll see himself in the main character, if he bothers to read the book at all. That is the extent of my communicating with him. We manage to coordinate rides, take care of finances, and care of the home, but I live alone in this marriage. He doesn't understand me at all and doesn't care about how I feel or what I do. Dr. Harley himself said to me, "The concept of care doesn't make sense to him."

It's all about him and how he is affected by what goes on around him. He has no empathy whatsoever for my mother in particular who had the shock of her life to find out that her son in law was beating up her daughter in front of her grandchildren. He has no realization how difficult it has been for her to accept that I am staying with this guy and to attend a Band Concert with him.

In the book The Viper's Tangle, the husband eventually came to an understanding of what he had done and he intended to reconcile with his wife, but she died before he actually did talk with her. The book is in the form of a journal by this husband. It is very moving. Where there's life, there's hope. In the meantime, I am following the words of John Paul II: "The man loves, and the woman loves in return." I wait. My husband has learned to not be physically abusive, and I doubt he'll have another affair because of the pain it caused him in facing his own moral deficiencies and not because of any pain his affair caused anyone else.

We have been married 16 years next week, and our lives are not intertwined at all. He has no clue. I am a stranger to him.

Cherished

My husband has impeccable integrity in many areas of his life. Pre-affair, I believed he would always be faithful.

Now ten years post affair, I believe differently.

I know pride goes before a fall, but really, I can't imagine myself in an affair in any circumstance, before or after my husband's affairs. For one thing men hitting on me makes me want to It has since I have been married. I lose any respect for any man, especially married men, who exhibit any inappropriate attention to a married woman or a woman other than his wife. I am very monogamous. And I think for those of us that ARE pre-disposed to this level of faithfulness also have the hardest time SEEING potential problems and then recovering when the worst happens. Nothing hurts worse than when something is done to us, that we would never do.

But I have other weaknesses.

So when you are looking at a lifetime mate, it stands to reason that a bad set of circumstances, timing and needs not met can contribute to infidelity in people that are vulnerable to this weakness.

It is just a shame that we don't come with a warning label or a disclaimer before we mate for life.

According to the MB formula, these folks should have gone Wayward some time ago. Yet, as far as one can tell from their MB posts anyway, they remain faithful. Not only that, but from what I've seen on the forum, more often than not it's the spouses refusing to provide ENs who end up going Wayward! For example, the wife who refuses to have SF with her husband goes and has an affair where SF is frequent and freely given-to the OM.

One conclusion one could come to is that the spouses who remain faithful despite their top ENs NOT being met seem to have a stronger sense of integrity, a stronger moral fibre, than the ones who go wayward. And yet Dr. Harley is reputed to say that ANYONE could become a WS under the right circumstances...

Yes, we are all imperfect, but an affair is not usually the result of one weak moment. It is a pattern of behavior built over months of developing a friendship which becomes sexual. There are moments along the way when a person realizes this is pleasurable but is crossing the line into something it shouldn't be, and yet the person continues.

There are people who recognize the danger and stop, and there are people who decide not to stop. It is not one decision. It is a series of decisions, and that is why I think it is due to weak character or immorality.

I know pride goes before a fall, but really, I can't imagine myself in an affair in any circumstance, before or after my husband's affairs. For one thing men hitting on me makes me want to It has since I have been married. I lose any respect for any man, especially married men, who exhibit any inappropriate attention to a married woman or a woman other than his wife. I am very monogamous. And I think for those of us that ARE pre-disposed to this level of faithfulness also have the hardest time SEEING potential problems and then recovering when the worst happens. Nothing hurts worse than when something is done to us, that we would never do.

So when you are looking at a lifetime mate, it stands to reason that a bad set of circumstances, timing and needs not met can contribute to infidelity in people that are vulnerable to this weakness.

It is just a shame that we don't come with a warning label or a disclaimer before we mate for life.

I hate to admit it but I warned my husband about his actions for months before he started the affair. He believed that I was just jealous and unreasonable. I knew better. He believed that he was better than he actually was. I avoided all opportunities to be in tempting situations because I knew the dangers were real and potentially devastating. He sought out the tempting situations and enjoyed the risk and the ellicit admiration. It was an exhibit of selfishness and arrogance IMO. I am not perfect either. I do believe that if I put myself in a tempting situation and fostered an inappropriate friendship I would cheat also. I don't foster friendships with men. I don't go to bars alone to hang out. When an attractive man started working at my place of employment, I would avoid him. I go home and take care of my family. I am not better than my husband. I am just as weak. I am much more careful. I don't want to hurt my husband the way that he hurt me. I don't ever want to be that person. I like living an honest and open life that I can be proud of.

For me personally, the obsession with the OW had to do with not wanting to face that the man I married could have acted in such a way. Of course, there are women out there who will have an affair with a man with young children. There are lots of people out there who have no morals or such weakness of character as to have an affair.

The fact is you married a man who has no morals or weakness of character. When you are able to face that fact, you'll realize how totally irrelevant it is that he had an affair with this married coworker with young children vs. that married coworker with young children.

A person of strong character would not set aside his value ssytem and moral fiber in order to justify the crime he was commiting.

Sorry to all FWSs, but this is like saying, someone who murders is not a murderer. In my world integrity and strong moral fibre are defined by keeping your commitment (or vows) and being honest. By that definition, a FWS has weak character by definition.

From my perspective, based on things he has said to me, the devastating part of the affair to him was the change in his own view of himself. It was painful to have put himself up on a pedastal as far as moral character is concerned and then have to face that he had an affair.

At that point, there will be no reason for us to share a home.

For most waywards, the A is a temporary aberration of what used to be a good character, and what can be a good character again.

So what to make of all that? Is it that some people's character is far stronger than others, or that the frustrated spouses I've mentioned above simply haven't really faced temptation yet?

H&S, this is a slap in the face of all good and repentant FWS's, and especially the ones here. They know they can never undo what they did, and yet find new strength and courage to rebuild themselves, often their marriages, and give generously of themselves to help others who are hurting.

Just as there is a difference between someone who murdered someone once, and a serial killer or assassin who murder people as a way of life, there is a big difference between your basic WS/FWS and a serial cheater, for example.

Of my many FWS friends here, they were all good people before, gave themselves over to evil for a while, and reclaimed their good character after learning some life-shattering lessons. I am proud to know them, and I am proud to be married to my husband - a good man of strong, Godly morals.

To be able to intentionally suppress an otherwise outstanding code of ethics and morals is not intrinsically possible. Such ability means, it is evidence for, a problem with a persons ethics and morals and character to start with. It can be traced to one’s very wiring, as Dr H says.