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We just spoke regarding our DD and I sweetly asked him "if I had tried to hold your hand, would you have let me?" and he said "I really don't know.." VST, :twobyfour: :twobyfour: Stop asking him stupid questions like this......you are only hurting yourself..,... This line of questioning is the same as having a discussion on marriage/relationship/affair talk, which we told you was OFF LIMITS this weekend..... other than that, you did a wonderful job..... not2fun
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I just spoke with him regarding DD going there to spend the night with him. He says "do you want to just drive all the way here (instead of meeting half way) and have a beer with me?" and I declined (to go on the boat). I said, "look it's not that I don't want to do that with you, just not here." he said "so you are ever going to be able to be on here again?" and I said "I don't know". and he said "yeah whatever, just meet me half way."
Mel, I have not given that boundary yet....I guess I should but I know that will probably be IT for him. Maybe that is for the best anyway......
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vst, have you started working on your Plan B letter and getting your arrangements in order?
I think it will help you if you try and focus on a STRATEGIC PLAN instead of the emotions surrounding unanswerable questions and hypotheticals.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I'm not sure I believe that.... It may be true in your case since this is about his 3rd affair, but that kind of talk is classic fog talk of someone who is in an affair. Even so, your H may have fallen out of love with you, but he has never HATED YOU. You are experiencing the kind of ABUSE from your spouse that often results in HATE, if not severe emotional and psychological symptoms. so why does he hate me? or does he have phychological problems? huh? Sorry, I'm just in a state right now.....
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I just spoke with him regarding DD going there to spend the night with him. He says "do you want to just drive all the way here (instead of meeting half way) and have a beer with me?" and I declined (to go on the boat). I said, "look it's not that I don't want to do that with you, just not here." he said "so you are ever going to be able to be on here again?" and I said "I don't know". and he said "yeah whatever, just meet me half way."
Mel, I have not given that boundary yet....I guess I should but I know that will probably be IT for him. Maybe that is for the best anyway...... No, it is not "IT" for him, it is "IT" for you. Did you even send him the email the other night?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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We just spoke regarding our DD and I sweetly asked him "if I had tried to hold your hand, would you have let me?" and he said "I really don't know.." VST, :twobyfour: :twobyfour: Stop asking him stupid questions like this......you are only hurting yourself..,... This line of questioning is the same as having a discussion on marriage/relationship/affair talk, which we told you was OFF LIMITS this weekend..... other than that, you did a wonderful job..... not2fun Thanks Not, I know you're right, but, you know how it is......
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I just spoke with him regarding DD going there to spend the night with him. He says "do you want to just drive all the way here (instead of meeting half way) and have a beer with me?" and I declined (to go on the boat). I said, "look it's not that I don't want to do that with you, just not here." he said "so you are ever going to be able to be on here again?" and I said "I don't know". and he said "yeah whatever, just meet me half way."
Mel, I have not given that boundary yet....I guess I should but I know that will probably be IT for him. Maybe that is for the best anyway...... No, it is not "IT" for him, it is "IT" for you. Did you even send him the email the other night? Yes but I didn't mention the boat....
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VST, This isn't about YOU. His affair is NOT ABOUT YOU. If he hated YOU, why would he spend the day with YOU????? (and don't you dare come back with "because of Erin" crap....he could have gone out with her ALONE.....) You have to be strong and confident.....pull yourself OUT OF THIS.....your weekend of Plan Aing him is not over....on Monday, you can whine and cry all you want, but not today and not tomorrow.... ((((VST))))) not2fun
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When were you planning on telling him he has to sell the boat?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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VST, This isn't about YOU. His affair is NOT ABOUT YOU. If he hated YOU, why would he spend the day with YOU????? (and don't you dare come back with "because of Erin" crap....he could have gone out with her ALONE.....) You have to be strong and confident.....pull yourself OUT OF THIS.....your weekend of Plan Aing him is not over....on Monday, you can whine and cry all you want, but not today and not tomorrow.... ((((VST))))) not2fun Ok but I feel like I LB'ed when I told him I wouldn't come to the boat. Just move on from there?
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Ok but I feel like I LB'ed when I told him I wouldn't come to the boat. Just move on from there? I feel like you have AVOIDED CONFLICT by not telling him one of your boundaries is selling the boat. How will he know this is your boundary if you don't tell him? How will he know?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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When were you planning on telling him he has to sell the boat? I don't know...........I'm still trying to decide if I really have such a problem with it that I need to tell him that. I've thought about other options like having the interior completely redone to make it "new and different".
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[quote=verysadtime]
so why does he hate me? VST, This isn't about YOU. His affair is NOT ABOUT YOU. If he hated YOU, why would he spend the day with YOU????? (and don't you dare come back with "because of Erin" crap....he could have gone out with her ALONE.....) You have to be strong and confident.....pull yourself OUT OF THIS.....your weekend of Plan Aing him is not over....on Monday, you can whine and cry all you want, but not today and not tomorrow.... ((((VST))))) not2fun I know it FELT like an LB but its not. Its a boundary. And I'm sure it came off as an LB, but too bad....let him wallow. You OTOH, need to "freshen up", put a smile on, and be a pleasant as possible when you meet him. Suggest going out for Ice Cream.....BUT NO MATTER WHAT....BE PLEASANT..... I don't care if you are in a "mood"....just stick with the Plan...... not2fun
Last edited by not2fun; 04/25/09 04:48 PM.
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When were you planning on telling him he has to sell the boat? I don't know...........I'm still trying to decide if I really have such a problem with it that I need to tell him that. I've thought about other options like having the interior completely redone to make it "new and different". If you don't have a problem with it, then why did you decline to go there tonight? I thought you said you DID have a problem with it? This sounds like more conflict avoidance to me, vst. How has that worked for you in the past?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mel, I'm confused as to why she would discuss the boat right now.
Wouldn't that be the same as me telling tst I won't reconcile if you don't sell your be car?
The boat WILL be a trigger. But she has options as to how to deal with that trigger once they are in recovery. She could claim it back, as many BS's do with places.
I'm just thinking that her boundary right now should focus around...no other women in our marriage. Nothing else, just that.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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Mel, I'm confused as to why she would discuss the boat right now.
Wouldn't that be the same as me telling tst I won't reconcile if you don't sell your be car?
The boat WILL be a trigger. But she has options as to how to deal with that trigger once they are in recovery. She could claim it back, as many BS's do with places.
I'm just thinking that her boundary right now should focus around...no other women in our marriage. Nothing else, just that. This would fall in the same category as him working with the OW. The boat not only is a ready place where he can rendevous with the OW, it represents the same obstacle to recovery as his continued working with the OW. The boat is the same as an AFFAIR APARTMENT, which is why it triggers her so. He has to be told what it will take to recover his marriage. If she will not tell him, then WHO WILL? He has be told the PLAN in order to accept or reject it if there is going to be any recovery. She can't play cat and mouse with her own boundaries. And most importantly, there is only ONE REASON she didn't tell him this; she is avoiding conflict. There is absolutely no other reason not to tell him. Plans made on the basis of how to BEST AVOID CONFLICT, rather than WHAT IS BEST FOR MY MARRIAGE will only result in failure.
Last edited by MelodyLane; 04/25/09 04:58 PM.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mel, I'm confused as to why she would discuss the boat right now.
Wouldn't that be the same as me telling tst I won't reconcile if you don't sell your be car?
The boat WILL be a trigger. But she has options as to how to deal with that trigger once they are in recovery. She could claim it back, as many BS's do with places.
I'm just thinking that her boundary right now should focus around...no other women in our marriage. Nothing else, just that. I'M GOING TO RECLAIM MY BOAT TONIGHT. Be back later. Thanks! Mel, thanks and I may be avoiding conflict but I'm really on the fence about this being a boundary. So I'm going tonight and see how it goes.
Last edited by verysadtime; 04/25/09 05:02 PM.
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I'M GOING TO RECLAIM MY BOAT TONIGHT. Be back later. Thanks! That's confidence!! YOU GO!! GOoD LUCK!! 
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Plans made on the basis of how to BEST AVOID CONFLICT, rather than WHAT IS BEST FOR MY MARRIAGE will only result in failure. Mel, thanks and I do appreciate you holding my feet to the fire. I need that. I went tonight and it was hard but it didn't envoke any huge emotional triggers for me. I think maybe it's because the OW contaminated the boat a long time ago anyway, when she and her family were with us every weekend last summer. I thought that, now that I know they did go there, it might be something I wouldn't be able to handle. But I found that it went ok tonight. We talked a lot about general stuff and it was nice. I do think that, if we do try to recover, that I will make "remodeling" it a boundary and that will be ok. Maybe I am avoiding conflict, it could be true. I'm very good at that.....  I know I told you it would bother me but I'm, for now, taking that back.
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Hello everyone. I'm doing some preliminary planning for Plan B. I'm looking for advice on a Post-marital agreement. I am in a fault state in case that is useful info here. I read on another thread how stating "if you have an A with OW again....", isn't a good idea as it puts the burden of proof on the BS. Would it be a simple "if you file for divorce within X # of years BS gets X amt of assets"? Any advice on this would me much appreciated. I realize a PMA might not go hand in hand with Plan B but I'd like to know about it anyway.
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