I have an appt. with my lawyer. He said he can file and drag his feet. My concern is the retainer for a D on A. He had mentioned anywhere from $2500 to $5000 at my first consult. I asked him would he consider something less just to file and drag it out. He said he will consider that.

I also think I have the computer financial situation figured out as well. And I have a intermediary lined up. I'm working on the letter now. I'll put the FU letter to the side, for now....

ok thanks. I understand all of this.

Ok here's my letter as of now:

Dear WH,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that caused you to have the desire to have an affair with OW. I realize now what the majority of my mistakes were in our marriage. I was not meeting your emotional needs and I‘m sorry for that. I didn’t know what to do to have a healthy marriage but now I do and I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meets your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with OW once and for all. I will not consider beginning to recover our marriage until you have met the following conditions: Either you or she leaves the company, after that then no contact for life, sell the boat, and agree to marriage coaching, a weekend seminar, or an online seminar through Marriage Builders. This process by Dr. Harley is what I believe will be the key to recovering our marriage and creating a new and healthy relationship for us.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. My friend A has agreed to help make arrangements for you to pick DD up for a visit whenever you would like. You will not be able to come in the house. If you want to communicate about DD or any other matter, it will have to be through A. I will not read any emails or accept any phone calls from you.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with OW, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are still seeing her everyday. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you permanently separate from her and are willing to follow the measures that I gave you to ensure total separation and protection for me from the pain of your affair, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. That could very well mean buying a bigger and better boat that is ours and has no reminders of the pain of the affair. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I fully believe this is possible for us.

I loved you when we married and I love you today. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing OW.

Love,
vst

Lexxy, if you are out there.....ignore my ramblings today.

My lawyer asked me to pay a small amount of my retainer up front. Then...are you ready for this...

My lawyer sent tst's lawyer the bill for the full retainer. He wrote a letter stating that as a stay-at-home mom for the last 17 years, I was completely dependent financially on tst and that he was responsible for paying my bill.



The lawyer said he would reimburse me the amount I paid if tst paid the bill.

The amount I paid upfront covered the couple hours work he put into my case. If you just want it filed but don't want to do much after that, he won't be investing much time in your case.

great that is what I'm hoping for.

Do I need to mention filing for D in the letter?

Did you have to go ahead and file for my same reasons? My WH doesn't have a lawyer that I'm aware of.

I think you did a great job with this letter. I've made a few suggestions below.

Also, I would add a line in here about your daughter deserving to have her parents together and in love or something like that.




Dear WH,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that caused allowed you to have the desire to have an affair with OW. I realize now what the majority of my mistakes were in our marriage. I was not meeting your emotional needs and I‘m sorry for that. I didn’t know what to do to have a healthy marriage but now I do and I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meets your both of our needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with OW once and for all. I will not consider beginning to recover our marriage until you have met the following conditions: Either you or she leaves the company You no longer work with OW , after that then no contact for life, sell the boat, and agree to marriage coaching, a weekend seminar, or an online seminar through Marriage Builders. This process by Dr. Harley is what I believe will be the key to recovering our marriage and creating a new and healthy relationship for us.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. My friend A has agreed to help make arrangements for you to pick DD up for a visit whenever you would like on your scheduled visits(it cannot be whenever he would like) . You will not be able to come in the housemy home, and I will not be coming to your residence (this reminds him that he chose to not live at the family home) If you want to communicate about DD or any other matter, it will have to be through A. I will not read any emails or accept any phone calls from you.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your adulterous relationship with OW, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are still seeing her everydayin contact with her. I still love you but I cannot and it hurts me too much to see you under these conditions.

As soon as you permanently separate from her and are willing to follow the measures that I gave you to ensure total separation and protection for me from the pain of your affair, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each otherin love again. We need to can build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. That could very well mean buying a bigger and better boat that is ours and has no reminders of the pain of the affair. (I don't think you need to mention the boat again. You don't need to explain yourself and you may not even want a boat if you reconcile) I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I fully believe this is possible for us.

I loved you when we married and I love you today. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeingin contact with OW in any way.

Love,
vst

IMO, the BEST scenario would be for you to deliver your letter and later that day or the very next day he receives the divorce paperwork.

Excellent thank you!

tst was pushing me to file for dissolution. I never went into Plan B; and my lawyer never did file anything, although we were about 30 days from filing. I live in a no fault state, so legally our situations are different. I would have LOVED to be in a fault state. I would have loved the opportunity to call OW out like that.



Well, I guess he'll either have to give up the OW or get a lawyer, now won't he.

Yep!

If I were you, as soon as I go dark and the paperwork is filed, I would tell my lawyer that I want OW deposed. Make sure your lawyer has the info from the PI.

That pressure on her is GOOD. It will rock her world without you even having to be involved emotionally. It's another way to attack the affair and destroy the fantasy.

She would definitely lovebust him on that. And you will be dark and protected in your Plan B. He will only have her to love bust back at.

See how removing yourself from the drama leaves them stuck with each other. He can't USE YOU to love bust at. They don't look so pretty to each other when they only have each other to deal with reality.

She cannot meet all his top EN's. He gets them met BETWEEN the two of you. Without you in the picture, he will eventually see that she ain't all that. And if she is lovebusting, he will see it sooner.

Ahhhh...great idea. I like that one! I warned her of that when I called her last week.

I would change the "sell the boat" to something different.

Maybe "replace the boat" or "trade in the boat for something new"

You don't want him to think he has to give up boating entirely.

Yes, SMB that is the main reason I wanted to mention getting a new boat. To give him some hope in that regard.

Lexxy, I see what you are saying. However, it may be something he does have to give up. It allows for IB, and having a boat is directly connected to his affair. So in recovery it may be important for her that they DON'T own a boat for awhile.

I think she needs to leave herself that option.