L4,

I don't know if this is a test or not. I don't know if you pass or fail makes much difference at this point. I do know what will give you the best chance at happiness with your husband:

• Meet his ENs to fill his LB$.
• Avoid Love Busters that make withdrawals from his LB$.
• Fill his Love Bank so that the balance exceeds the romantic threshold.
• Follow POJA, PORH and UA.
• Strive to move him into a state of Intimacy where he will want to give to you because he will simply want to at that point.

You can't push this, pull it, twist it or shape it to match what you want, expect or think you need. You won't reason this into being or talk your way into him deciding to stay. You won't get him to commit to staying with you by asking him about it, by pressing him to decide or by trying to measure your success based on the answer to your questions about it.

Meet his ENs.
Avoid Love Busters.
Apply Marriage Builders methodology.

You don't have to sell it, demonstrate it or explain it for it to work. Just do it! (Thanks, NIKE)

You might still end up alone but it won't be because you didn't do the right thing and it won't be because you didn't do all that you could.

Every day he is still around is a day closer to him staying forever.

Mark

No one at the job knows what happened between FOM and me. Because he worked there, there is no guarantee that FOM's name will never come up. The job doesn't involve his former department or former team members. H said as long as FOM didn't work there, he is fine with me doing my work for them from our home. H likes the money I'll be making and likes the people he knows that I'll be working with. Now my mind is racing, ottert.

Brought tears to my eyes reading this too. I don't know if it's good or bad that you're thinking of me, but thank you for sharing this. You don't have to explain to me about being affected emotionally by music. A single song can send me from a mountain top to a valley in moments, and vice versa.

Last Friday I made a mistake. H had a list of all his passwords open on our family computer -- the one we use for Quicken and family photos. I sat down to put in my receipts and saw the list. Yes I scanned it. I saw his passwords for his email accounts. (I don't know how many he has.) I told H that I saw it was open and closed his password list. H asked if I saw his passwords. I said I scanned them. He asked if I copied and pasted his email passwords. I didn't and told him so. Again, because he didn't ask the perfect questions, I didn't give him the full answers. A few days later, my gut was hurting because I knew I wasn't being fully honest with my H as my H needed me to be. I emailed H that when I scanned the list, I caught enough of his email password that he should change it. That I know how protective he is of his passwords and that I don't want him to have any reason to question if they've been compromised because I saw enough of the password that if I wanted to take the time, I could figure it out. I don't want to take the time and I won't, but he should know. H wasn't happy about it and told me so.

This list is the same list that 2 years ago H showed me in case he gets "hit by a truck" and I should ever to get into his accounts. (Costco, 401K, AOL, etc.) Now he hides it under lock and key. What's H's is his and he wants to keep it that way. If this is what he wants, I respect that.

I was fine with this. I went expecting I'd be reading books in the room and spending much time alone. I went to be there for H when and if H had any time. I believed we had the same understanding.

Yesterday H said he was so stressed out and that I shouldn't have come because he was letting me down by not taking me out. I was surprised to hear this as I didn't feel this nor at any point did I say this. I made a joking comment Thursday morning saying I should have snuck out after he went to sleep with people who had invited us to play so I could have won us a bunch of money. It was a joke and based on H's response, I thought he saw it as such.

Thursday we were at lunch and I don't know how it started, but H brought up the passwords again, that I didn't have fun in Vegas (not true), that he felt that he had to entertain me while there (?), and that he still doesn't know if he can stay with me. He trusts me 5%. I understand.

As he was saying all these things I got sad. and teared up a lot. I excused myself a couple of times to be alone in the restroom. It continued off and on throughout the afternoon. And again at the airport. I think he was flooding with past memories. I said I'm sorry and asked what I can do. That I want to do whatever I can for him. That's why I was in Vegas, to support him. H agreed with me being there. And now he was holdling it against me. I'm sure I did something wrong. Everything I did was with his full knowledge and his approval, but I'm sure I did something that I missed and therefore can't share with you here.

I'm trying. But I seem to be falling short of the mark. I re-focus, and then I do something stupid. And then I pull up the bootstraps, and something happens that I didn't see coming.

Thanks.

Okay.

Thank you, Mark.

L4 - my dear friend that I've never met... You're doing good, hon. Keep it up. If you keep doing your part and fixing what YOU can then all will be OK, no matter where life takes you.

(((hug)))

An example of how my thinking has changed...

I read an article in Sports Illustrated Wednesday on Chris Evert's and Greg Norman's marriage. It was reported that they've been accused of falling for each other and pursuing each other while they were both still married. They both weakly denied it in the article, then added things like (not verbatim), "You can't stop true love," and "We're so much happier now," and listed things that their previous spouses wouldn't do... I was so disappointed. Because I have been a fan of Evert's since the 70s. I got home and Googled it and it appears this was true, that they got together while both were still married. Why Chris?!

Then that night I stumbled upon William Shatner's Raw Nerve on Biography. (Shatner as a talkshow host???) Valerie Bertinelli was the guest. She admitted to adultery. It was interesting that Shatner was almost giving her an out, stating that her H had been a rock star and wasn't around and people would understand why she strayed... Bertinelli would not allow it. She took full responsibility for her behavior and said she knows the devastation it caused to so many people. She sounded like a genuine FWW who is to this day still sorry and sad about what she did. I couldn't have given a hoot about her before, but my respect level for her shot up after seeing that inteview.

Thank you, Roo.

Last thing for today...

H is being kind. Yesterday I don't think I could have paid him to comfort me. Today he's noticed I'm not so up and about. I'm very tired. He asked me what I want to do for my birthday which is Sunday. He asked if my parents could baby-sit and if he should invite Sis and her partner over for lunch. I said I'd like to see people if they can make it on short notice. I have no expectations and will be fine if it ends up just H and the kids and an ice cream cake. Yum.

He's out now with the kids running errands. He's being sweet, though slightly distant. I told him it meant a lot hearing ILY when we talked on the phone earlier this week. He didn't say anything.

Eeyoree, RubyDoo, KiwiJ, Mrs. Flint, or any other FWWs... It's still early. I am very well aware of this. And I so value the insight I'm getting from everyone, including Mark, Roo, LG, b_r, 6YL, V, and everyone. It means so much that you're sticking with me despite the things I do to disappoint you.

But I'm wondering from you gals who did what I did...

Did your H ever tell you he's not sure he wanted to be with you? If so, how did you plow through it? I'm not walking away. Just wondering if you have any suggestions or tips to get me through those really hard times when I seem to question what I'm doing. Then again, maybe you've never gone through this. I need to hear from successful FWWs, if you're game.

Of course I'll take comments from anyone. This is an equal opportunity thread.

Yes Chris Evert. I remember her. Always lost to Navrotilova in the finals ! ok, I am being mean to Chris. L4, I dont know why her story influenced your thinking. In what way ? That your love for your husband is not "true love" ?. (I am sorry if I am being just a bit too sarcastic here). Oh, dont get me started on that one. The subject of "true love".

So what if she found "true love". Who cares ? Your recovery should have nothing to do with what she went through.

That she didn't seem regretful about it. That what SI chose to print didn't refelct any kind of remorse for how their relationship affected the children and their BSs. Before my own indiscretion, I wouldn't have thought that much about the BSs and children. I would have thought probably, "Well that's too bad about their BSs. But if they're happy then it was probably meant to be."

I have new insight, thanks to everyone here.

L4, Of course SI just printed the stuff glamorizing/excusing the adultery.

They really believe that nonsense. Why should they stand for integrity?

(((L4)))

Northridge would be fine till I leave LA!

L4, when he's being secretive, hiding and changing his passwords, he's going to add to his sense of disconnect from you and distrust of you, a big LB$ withdrawal from your account. "Yes, I need to protect myself from her, this is what she is doing to me." What do you think about asking about this on GQII and getting the input of others who would explain it better than me?

L4, have these passwords been kept secret by H since your confession?

Has he given you a reason why they need to be kept secret, from a wife?

I agree with what ears has said about this.

ETD my last thought, maybe later.

It's 12:10am Sunday .... Happy Birthday L4!

This part gave me a cringe. My H will jokingly make innocent comments using words like snuck or secret, and I just get a 'cringe'. It reminds me of his sneaking around and his secrets.
It sounds so trivial. I have no idea if other BS's feel like this, but I thought I would mention it to you.


L4, you are like what LG said, doing many things right.
Your honesty about yourself has helped you more than you know.

The Chris E. thing .... they both sound really, really foggy ..... true love ????

One more thing, you have come so far and you are working so hard to repair your M. Please don't get distracted by others, who really do not have your best interest at heart, if IYWIM.
Or I will have to slap you.

Oh yeah, totally there and thought the same thign when i read it, but then I thought, hey its L4 and i believe she is truely a FWW. If Flick makes similar comments I have to bite my tongue...hard.

Hey BTW I hear its..........

L4's Birthday!!!!


Hope it was awesome!!!!!!!!!!

Happy Birthday L4.

Happy Birthday!

What do you mean by the underlined, Mark?

Thank you all very much for the birthday wishes. Very much.