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vst, it is very possible that if you start into recovery, the boat issue is going to be huge for you. I know you don't see that right now.
But you will have so many huge triggers that some days they will consume you, especially if you feel trapped into having a boat because you gave him that hope in the Plan B letter.
Does that make sense?
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So in recovery it may be important for her that they DON'T own a boat for awhile.
I think she needs to leave herself that option. This is a good point too. I will need some time off from that lifestyle.
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I really think you need to stay focused on--
No contact
Changing jobs
MB counseling
IF he agrees to those things, this boat stuff and other issues will be worked out through the MB program.
If he doesn't agree to those things, well, then you don't have to invest emotional energy you don't have into worrying about the boat issue.
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I really think you need to stay focused on--
No contact
Changing jobs
MB counseling
IF he agrees to those things, this boat stuff and other issues will be worked out through the MB program.
If he doesn't agree to those things, well, then you don't have to invest emotional energy you don't have into worrying about the boat issue. So don't mention selling the boat at all?
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I like that you mentioned selling the boat. But saying more misleads him into thinking you are honkey dorey with having a boat and you just may not be.
In fact, I think it will be VERY PAINFUL for you to be on ANY boat with him for awhile.
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I like that you mentioned selling the boat. But saying more misleads him into thinking you are honkey dorey with having a boat and you just may not be.
In fact, I think it will be VERY PAINFUL for you to be on ANY boat with him for awhile. I agree.
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I'm not sure if I am making myself clear.
If he won't even agree to NC and quitting the job, then the boat issue is irrelevant.
If he will agree to those things, it will be in the best interest of your early recovery to not have that boat or probably any boat.
BUT the MB program will deal with the boat. Dr. H will deal with the boat. So as long as he agrees to the MB counseling in some form, then this issue WILL get resolved.
Keep the "sell the boat" part in the letter. I just don't think you should mention it more than that.
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And I wouldn't want him back if he isn't WILLING to give up the boat...
or anything else that is associated with the affair or IB.
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I'm not sure if I am making myself clear.
If he won't even agree to NC and quitting the job, then the boat issue is irrelevant.
If he will agree to those things, it will be in the best interest of your early recovery to not have that boat or probably any boat.
BUT the MB program will deal with the boat. Dr. H will deal with the boat. So as long as he agrees to the MB counseling in some form, then this issue WILL get resolved.
Keep the "sell the boat" part in the letter. I just don't think you should mention it more than that. Yes I understand that without agreeing to NC the boat is irrelevant and MB will deal with it when/if it comes time. I'll leave "sell it" in the letter. You're right if he refuses to sell it knowing how it makes me feel, then I wouldn't want to be with him.
Last edited by verysadtime; 04/27/09 03:30 PM.
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what is this? I never went into Plan B - why? Here's a bit I found to describe a dissolution... In a dissolution of marriage..., the husband and wife file a joint petition where both parties
are requesting the court to grant the same relief, namely, that their marriage be terminated and
that their separation agreement that is attached to the joint petition be reviewed and approved
by the court. The separation agreement must settle all property disputes and all issues
pertaining to spousal support, child custody and visitation, property division, and payment of
marital debts. If the husband and wife cannot resolve all the issues between them and include
those provisions in their separation agreement, one of them will have to file a complaint
requesting a divorce instead of filing the joint petition requesting a dissolution of their marriage
because in a divorce case, the court may resolve any issues that the parties cannot settle
between themselves.It's a nice "friendly" agreement...which was NOT happening here! I didn't do Plan B because tst came home before I did. I had been working toward. I waited too long. I needed it about 2 months earlier. I was walking on an emotional cliff that I didnt' realize I was on.
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Personally I think it's a mistake to put anything about the boat in the PBL...the letter is supposed to be a "love letter".
He doesn't need to sell the boat in order to get into recovery, so why bother bringing it up right now?What if it takes 6 months to sell????
For example...I knew my FWH was forever and ever going to have to give up running and training for marathons since he met OW on a message board for runners. I did NOT mention that in the PBL because I knew that would be overload for him...instead I stuck to the basics and then we covered that once we got into recovery.
FWIW, anyways.
Last edited by MarriedForever; 04/27/09 04:01 PM.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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Also, are you sure you want to mention MB in the letter? You don't want him coming here and finding your thread if you are in PB...
Instead I would say something like "Agree to MC with counselor or marriage building program of my choice".
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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Also, are you sure you want to mention MB in the letter? You don't want him coming here and finding your thread if you are in PB...
Instead I would say something like "Agree to MC with counselor or marriage building program of my choice". Good points MF. I know w/o a doubt that mentioning selling the boat will be a huge LB so if that isn't supposed to take place in the PBL then I shouldn't mention it. And you're right, it may take a long time to sell, especially in this economy. Good catch about MB too. I won't be specific there.
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I agree with mentioning the boat being a LBer...that was the same with my FWH and running marathons/other IBs.
I left them out of my PBL because once we got into recovery I knew that would be covered in the MB program.
If you are going to pick which "marriage building" program you are to use, then you know that will be covered in the MB basic concepts...so it's kind of a moot point.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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I agree with mentioning the boat being a LBer...that was the same with my FWH and running marathons/other IBs.
I left them out of my PBL because once we got into recovery I knew that would be covered in the MB program.
If you are going to pick which "marriage building" program you are to use, then you know that will be covered in the MB basic concepts...so it's kind of a moot point. What MB program did you and your WH do? Counseling, weekend, or online?
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What MB program did you and your WH do? Counseling, weekend, or online? We've done phone counseling and we went to the MB Weekend. We also follow all of the basic concepts here...that's really the bottom line, but the phone counseling and MBW really help to solidify WHY following these concepts is so crucial.
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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vst, love the letter! I would suggest toning down this part so it is not a DEMAND: I will not consider beginning to recover our marriage until you have met the following conditions: Either you or she leaves the company, after that then no contact for life, sell the boat, and agree to marriage coaching, a weekend seminar, or an online seminar through Marriage Builders. This process by Dr. Harley is what I believe will be the key to recovering our marriage and creating a new and healthy relationship for us. I would replace with: What it will take for our marriage to recover is a complete end to contact with Skankyhola, whether than means you leaving or her leaving the job, agreement to sell the boat, and participate in a marriage recovery program guided by a marriage coach. Once those conditions are met, I will consider reconcilation. Also, is your IM tough? How will she hold up under torrents of abuse from your H?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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What MB program did you and your WH do? Counseling, weekend, or online? vst, several of us here went to the weekend, but you are lucky in that they have started the online course just recently. It is everything the MB weekend has except it is cheaper and you don't have to fly there to do it. They do the whole thing online. BUT, they assign you a marriage coach and you have daily access to Dr Harley. That is worth the whole shot right there. They keep you on track and GUIDE you through the entire program.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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vst, love the letter! I would suggest toning down this part so it is not a DEMAND: I will not consider beginning to recover our marriage until you have met the following conditions: Either you or she leaves the company, after that then no contact for life, sell the boat, and agree to marriage coaching, a weekend seminar, or an online seminar through Marriage Builders. This process by Dr. Harley is what I believe will be the key to recovering our marriage and creating a new and healthy relationship for us. I would replace with: What it will take for our marriage to recover is a complete end to contact with Skankyhola, whether than means you leaving or her leaving the job, agreement to sell the boat, and participate in a marriage recovery program guided by a marriage coach. Once those conditions are met, I will consider reconcilation. Also, is your IM tough? How will she hold up under torrents of abuse from your H? Yes that is better than my demanding sounding stmt. Also, my IM is tough as nails!!
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I'm still feeling uncomfortable with, while in PA, mentioning my boundaries or talking about the situation at all because of his reactions. Can someone give me a little coaching on how to lead up to that without LBing?
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