Hey, Ladies. Those four stages of forgiveness sound like they were lifted from How Can I forgive You?: The Courage to Forgive, the Freedom Not To by Janis Abrahms Spring, PhD.

My copy of this book is very worn. I have mentioned it here a few times to posters and have been reminded by bigkahuna that I need to "understand this book is not what the bible means by forgiveness."

I know the book has been very helpful for me as I have tried to earn forgiveness from my H, the BW, and even myself. Note that I didn't write "as I have asked for forgiveness" -- as I don't do that. I practice forgiving acts and if the recipient chooses to forgive me or not is his/her choice. I do not request or demand it.

I started reading that forgiveness thread - good stuff. It's exactly what I needed for my own recovery at this point.

So, hows it all going ST?

Right then, I was hoping I might get chance to resurface here today. I have about 30 mins til kids bath and bed, so I'll cut the chit chat.

I have been trying really hard to avoid Js current biggest LB which is IB under the guise of sitting at the PC.

We have done the LBq this week and the ENq this week and gone through them.

I need to focus my attention on:
affection: kisses and cuddles (I'm not a cuddly person)
admiration:
SF: initiating it
Family commitment
Honesty and Openess

I need to work on the affection and SF and to a lesser degree admiration, the others he says I'm good at.

As for LBs - this is tricky, is it ok that actually I was more aware of what LBd him than he was???

Annoying habits: not finishing jobs, eg writing birthday cards but never sending them, cutting the grass but not strimming, getting the washing in but not putting it away.

These annoy him I need to address them, but in my defence I can't start the strimmer without giving myself an injury, I'm usually getting the washing in on the way out of the door and then forget about it when I come back - no excuses on the birthday cards... and I guess forgetting about the washing is what I need to overcome.

IB

THis is the MB forum - I am getting use to not popping on every 6 hours or so (sort of)
..and getting ready in the morning - when I get ready in the morning I pay all my attention to the children and sort everything to do with them first and then totally focus on myself. If J is here and it's his turn to get up first I leave the children totally to him. I do mean totally - I don't really talk to any of them. I like to organise my thoughts and work out the day's schedule in peace and quiet without interruptions - if my thoughts get interrupted I get twitchy ( I think he'd call that an understatement).

(this I really really need to work on - I think maybe an area for POJA) and this one also comes into Selfish demands - I expect him to do it all on these prob 3 mornings of 5 that he is around in a 10 day period.

He discussed my LBs and ENs but still thinks that it isn't something that we should have to work at it should just happens - and it upsets him when I say that I'm going to really work at trying to meet his needs - because he says it should just happen. He's happy to bumble along. This slightly upsets me because I feel that he doesn't actually want to fight for us, but he says he wants us. His nature is to just let things happen - his loci of control is definitely more external.

I hate the thought of life passing us by and us missing out on a truly great relationship - I have to fight and work hard for what I want and I don't believe that if it's meant to be it's meant to be - I strongly believe we make our own futures.


We have our Wii at last so we have been doing some of that - it's nice to get away from the tv and I'm better at bowling than him!!!! We have obviously been talking lots which is great.

I'm going for it big time. Our M seems to be working quite well this week - we have been talking so many plans, ideas.

2 bits that aren't going so well:
Life is manic and I want to drop something - only prob is the thing apart from rebuilding M the thing that causes me most stress and takes most time is the Degree - an obvious choice to go - but J is almost desperate for me to do it.

...and I struggle with getting POSOM out of my head and I know all the reasons why - I am exhausted from using all the stop sign strategies, changing memories- I must do it at least 10times a day and this is getting me down.

PLEASE, JUST GET OUT OF MY HEAD

That morning thing needs sorting. I am really annoyed because this morning he phoned me while I was trying to get ready for the day and then complained because I wasn't enthusiastic about his conversation.

Irrational.

I think i'd like to become a hermit

your DH???

yeah, I think I may need to address my taker

u-huh.

Does he normally phone in the morning?
What about his call made you feel annoyed about the fact he was taking up your time? IS there some way you could POJA this?

Hows it going with not thinking about the POSOM?

no, me irrational

LOL, par for the course

Its not better on this side either sweety

I'm quite sure it's no better that side.

He sometimes calls in the morning. All mornings are something we need to POJA - whether he is at work or here

Is he into Poja/undertands it?

you have mail BTW

We have used it once before I think and often if I suggest something to him and he agrees I ask him whether he is really happy to do it.

I wasn't avoiding the POSOM q by the way, I can do it, but it just gets tiring and I'm fed up of the constant battle in my head - it's v distracting.

LOL
I asked Flick what worked for him and he said shouting LA LA LA LA LA inside his head worked best.
He also said about 9 months down the track you will suddenly realise that you havent thought about the POS for sometime.

He also suggests talking to an as close to nutural person as you can find helps, off loading without reinforcement. These people are hard to find

Thanks Flick and Lil. LALALALALALALALALALALALA Actually, that works quite well. I can't wait for that day to come!!

I am really happy for you, ST. It reads that you and your H are working together to make this recovery progress. Going through the forms, really communicating about MB stuff, getting specific examples of what is and is not working for your two... I'm envious!

Say it loud so those in the back of the room can hear you, Sista!

Yay!

I don't even admit this here on MB any more. I feel like such a failure when I bring up any struggles that have anything to do with the FOM, so I've stopped doing so. Just know you have company with this.

Keep going, ST. Sometimes I feel alone in my recovered FWW quest as others here on MB are falling off the wagon. But in you I have a companion and hopefully we can lift each other up.

Of course Lildoggie helps too. (Hi, Lildoggie!)

Hi L4.
Hey dont forget Jen in the FWW recovered quest

And please, just amoung us friends let us not stand on formality...its LIL

LOL

It reads like that and I'm pushing it, can I push myself too hard?

Then of course there is the slight doubt that creeps in - am I making the wrong future?




Thank you for letting me know i have company with this - I had wondered. Thing is if something is in my head I have to get it out in the open. It isn't failing - it's just trying sooo hard


Thank you L4; I was only just beginning to work out that actually there aren't too many like us here. I'm not sure that I am comfortable with FWW yet. I wonder what j thinks..

And I'm certainly you on. Thanks lil for keeping an eye on us.

I'm not keeping an eye on you lol, that sounds like a scary person. I just like 'nice' people, I admire waywards who are trying to stop being so, and if I can help, I will. You and L4 are amazing women, and i like you both

Feeling slightly ambivalent today, did you guess?

He was a funny b**g*r this morning, and said some odd things all because our plans (which we had with my sis) changed due to the weather and a funny noise on the car. I tried at every point to involve him in a change of plan, asked exactly what he wanted to do but at every Q he just said "do what you want". I kept telling him that I'd like to know what he wanted but he wouldn't say. Just kept geting cross - I know he wanted to spend time with me and DS and I was giving him that opportunity but he also knew that I had promised sis to help her get some stuff for my nieces christening (Sis does have Faith). Both could have been done.

We continued discussions on the phone and then he revealed that he was upset about my post on here yesterday about the battles in my head. Which of course I understand and I am sympathetic to. I do have to be O&H about this don't I?

So he said:

" I just want it to be the 4 of us for the next 3 months"

I replied "mum is just about to start treatment for breast cancer" and hung up

We haven't mentioned it tonight.

Call me a renter, and maybe I am, but there is No Way I will drop my family ever.