vst,

It is clear that you don't understand lovebusters. Dr. H has created a list of behaviors that withdraw love units from someone's love bank. Those are what we are talking about when we say don't love bust. They include...

angry outbursts
disrespectful judgements
annoying habits
selfish demands
independent behavior
dishonesty

Just because he gets P.O.'d doesn't mean that you love busted. He's a wayward. He's not going to like you having boundaries and being truthful about how his actions affect you and your DD.

Stating your boundary is part of the stick of Plan A. Remember, there's the carrot (demonstrating the willingness to meet ENs and not LBing) and there's the stick (exposure and boundaries).

An obvious boundary is...

I will not share my husband with an OW.

Is it wrong for you to state that boundary just because he doesn't like it????

Of course not.

I think this is more conflict avoidance.

How to state the boundaries while in Plan A???


"There is nothing I want more than to be your wife forever; but I'm not willing to share someone so special to me." (Here you state your boundary (won't share H) and meet an admiration/affection need).

"I have complete faith in your ability to provide for our family no matter where you work and no matter where we live. You are so good at what you do." (This is a subtle way to reinforce the boundary already stated--he has to leave his job without beating him over the head with it. At the same time, you are ADMIRING him.)

"I remember the awesome husband you have been for me and I know that we can be crazy in love again with the help of a great marriage coach."

Ouch....you're right. I'm a conflict avoider with years experience. I think I do understand the concept of LBing. I don't know I guess I was looking for a good lead into the subject. Like "how are you? Have you been thinking about what you are willing to do to salvage our marriage?" Sorry, I seem to require/need/desire some hand holding....I'll try to be more independent. I let him have way too much control over me!

Whenever you can state a boundary in a way that you can add in admiration or affection, it has it best punch.

Thanks, this is the kind of thing I was looking for.

Here is what you can initially expect from your WS in Plan B:

1. refusal to speak to your IM

2. legal threats to make you speak to him

3. seemingly reasonable arguments to your IM to persuade you to let him through on the grounds of "we can't resolve anything if we aren't talking.." It is horrible if your IM becomes his mouth piece

4. contacting the IM about endless trivialities like "what will we do in September about enrolling DD into Girl Scouts??" I know one very controlling WW who contacted the IM daily about this kind of crap - Your IM will have to SCREEN out the absolutely unneccessary contact.

5. asking your DD to hand you the phone thinking you will give in because you don't want to involve DD. The solution is to tell DD beforehand that you won't talk to your H unless it is an emergency. If she hands you the phone ask "is this an emergency?" He will likely say YES. Then say "what is the emergency?" At that point even the most stubborn WS usually give up.

In fact, if you want, give your IM my email address and tell her she is FREE to call me. I have coached a few IMs with difficult WSs. For example, I coached Julie2u's IM for a long time and Julie never had an inkling about half the crap her WS was pulling. We just handled it and kept her protected.

Just be prepared for your H to be FURIOUS about losing control of you and for him to try a number of tricks to get through. He will test your resolve and you have to pass the test.

I suggest you never ask him how he is. It's a lead in for him to love bust you.

"Well, I'm pretty sh!tty thanks to you telling everybody about my friendship with OW."

See how quickly that can turn on you.

You might instead say to him, "Wow, honey, you're not looking very well. I'm worried about your health."




This would be a no-no.

This is a DJ and it opens relationship talk.


THINK admiration mixed with loving boundaries.

Firm messages of your boundaries (I just can't share you, and I can't stay in this "waiting place" much longer because it hurts me tremendously)

mixed with admiration (you are worth fighting for, you are valuable to me, you are a good provider, you are sexy, you have been a great dad, etc.)

Mel, Thanks so much. This will be so helpful. I think he'll be difficult at first but then he'll calm down, I think. But I will prepare her with this and at some point if you want to give me your email that will be great too.

BTW, I love Mel's change in your letter so that it is not a demand.

I also agree with MF about not using the MB name. Just be sure that you specify that it will be the coach of YOUR choice.

Thanks smb, I don't always see DJ's clearly so that helps a lot.

Make sure your IM reads the articles here about Plan B so that she understands it's purpose.

Great guidance, SMB!

vst, my email address is ohmelodylane@aol.com. I would be happy to help her in any way. It is TOUGH and scary being an IM the first time.

smb is giving you great ideas on how to enforce boundaries without LBing...

However...AHEM...I still recommend the book "Boundaries in Marriage". How boundaries work will be crystal clear then, and you really need that.

And I recommend you hurry...pretty soon things are going to start cropping up and if you aren't clear on how to enforce a boundary, you could really get screwed.

I will get the book tomorrow if it's in stock. I think its obvious that boundaries are not my strong suit.

I will give her this and all the information you suggested. Thanks.

Don't feel bad, I had never even heard the word (in this context) until I came to MB!

I ordered my copy used from Amazon...you could do that tonight if you wanted.

wow thanks Pep, I appreciate the compliment!

After seeing your sig line it's a good thing for me!