It sure sounds like you married your step-dad, though.

So you are willing to duplicate your mom's life? Until you just can't take any more?

Translation: He is afraid you will learn even more and be more determined to leave him, so he wants to cut off the source of information.

This was not me it was SS2, i had both of my parents together until they passed away. They were married for 51 years.

I do not know what his reasoning is. I tried to tell him that it was just to give me a different perspective on things.

I will admit that i do hide it from him because he does not like to talk about anything because he gets defensive so i try not to talk about it with him. I come here and ask opinions instead.

But he said he did not know if we were going to work out because he thinks i am doing more than just posting on MB.

I told him he was welcome to read my thread but he just got mad and said no.

So i am doing most of my posting while i am at work (when i have a break or some down time for a minute).

Hrm....

Sounds like wayward thinking to me. Like he's trying to deflect his own actions on to you and make you out to be the bad guy. Are you sure nothing is going on with him?

I am not SURE of anything. However i do not THINK he is currently wayward.

And he has always tried to turn things around on me and it is infuriating at times.

So, he wants to work on the marriage without talking about it? How specifically? By just having fun and letting go of the past? Sounds like a waywards dream - and very unrealistic IMO. Since he doesn't want to talk about it, what is he willing to do? You don't want talk anyway. You want actions that prove he wants to protect you from future harm. If he really wants you to stay and be happy, what is he willing to DO?

Nothing has really changed SS2 and i really should not be backing down on the date i originally set out with.

I guess i am just not ready for it to end so i am willing to wait and see if he "changes" anything.

Ok, Still_Crazy,

Please forgive me butting in, I do read your thread frequently but I think I'm missing some details, please will you fill me in.

We'll make this a positive exercise, we won't think of what is still not quite right but think of what still needs to be done.

Please can we do a quick refresher of everything that your H has done or is still doing to show to you that he is worthy of being your H and that he is truly remorseful for his A.


And after that list please could you note all the things that he can still do to make you more relaxed and more comfortable.

Thank you

You are not butting in.

He really has not done anything except come home from staying with the OW.

I guess that is not entirely true i should say he has done very little.

He does give me his cell phone as soon as he get homes every day (that is how they communicated). He calls me at least once a day. He tells me that he loves me every day (but he did that during tha A as well). And he is now not being "friendly" with other women while we are together.

What he can do to make me me feel safer is to not be so "friendly" with his female co-workers, to take my feelings into consideration sometimes, to admit his "weaknesses" when it came to getting into the A to begin with, to tell me the whole truth about the affair and not down play either the sex or the feelings that were involved, to have at least "indifference" toward the FOW, and to discuss his "feelings" with me so that we have a better chance of this not happening again.

I will start there and see where we go.

Like I said, this is just him manipulating you by guilt, into leaving MB so you won't have a support system and he can keep doing what he wants without you butting in.

sorry about the confusion; I keep getting y'all's stories mixed up!

Warning: 2x4s coming:

Oh, yeah, that's really going to work! I bet he's just chafing at the rope to get in there and change himself, because he wants to be such a great husband to you!

Sorry, but get real. He has everything he wants. Why should he lift even a pinky, when he knows you are too chicken to even stand up for your pre-expressed boundaries? They are just more 'woman talk' to him - meaningless.

So are you totally convinced there is NC? He gives you his phone - do you also have access to the bill?
Well these are good things. Do you believe he loves you? When he calls do you have plenty to say to each other?
How do you know he is "so friendly"? How would you know he wasn't being so friendly?,Do you think there is any O&H at all form your H?

So far I am very concerned for you that he isn't yet FW. Can you give me an example of something that suggests he really is FW?

What happens when the 2 of you are together? Do you get your 15hours UA in?

Yes, I am TOTALLY convinced there is NC.

I do have access to his bill because it is a work cell phone and we have to pay for any personal calls made on it so we get the bill every month and i go through it.

And i believe he is being too friendly with his female co-workers because IMO he knows too much personal stuff about them for my liking.

I have always believed he loves me even during the A.

I had never caught my H in a lie until he had his A, then he lied to my face on a daily basis. He has been O&H about some things to do with the A but very little he always tells me he "can't remember".

I do not feel safe enough to know if he is O&H with me now because of how he was during the A i do not trust anything he tells me now.

And if we are not at work we are together PERIOD so i am pretty sure he is not currently wayward.

Believe me i know CP i could actually kick my own [censored] for agreeing to it.

Ok, good, good.

How is the time you spend together? - what do you get up to together?

Does he meet any of your ENs? Do you meet his?

(tell me to bu**er off if you like)

He may not be having an active affair, but from your posts he sounds VERY wayward to me. The difference? Timing - no affair now, but if he's still wayward he probably will later. So why hang around for that to happen?

I don't know your sitch very well. To be honest I've slowly continued reading, but gave your R up for a lost cause. From what I've read, your H has done next to NOTHING towards R. Which means you are wasting your time hoping he'll suddenly start making things right.

Your choices are simple. Keep your D day date and better yourself, force changes in your marriage, or keep waiting for things to get better and stay a doormat.

I hope you make the right choice for YOU.

Yes, but what about the disposable phone he buys that he only uses to call her? Sorry, but that's a really lame excuse for believing him. Just trying to protect you here.

OT: I just had to comment. D18 was reading to us about the history of words the other day, and there's this whole convoluted history of the words [censored], a$$, and donkey, like how the words [censored] disappeared from American use. Fascinating stuff:
Until the late 18th century, "[censored]" presumably had no profane meaning, and simply referred to the animal now mostly known as the donkey. Because of the increasingly non-rhotic nature of standard British English, "[censored]" was often rendered "[censored]". However indirect evidence of the change from [censored] to [censored] traces back to 1785 (in euphemistic avoidance of [censored] "donkey" by polite speakers) and perhaps to Shakespeare, if Nick Bottom transformed into a donkey in "A Midsummer Night's Dream" (1594) is such a word-play. This usage was also adopted in America, which is why the word "[censored]" is not usually used in the United States. The age of Victorian propriety resulted in the renaming of the horse-like animal, changing the name to "donkey" (not recorded in English before 1785, slang, perhaps from dun "dull grey-brown," the form perhaps influenced by monkey, or possibly from a familiar form of Duncan, cf. dobbin) to avoid any improper inferences. Although before World War I they were similar, the English pronunciations of "[censored]" IPA: /ˈæs/ and "[censored]" /ˈɑːs/ are now quite different apart from in American English speaking countries, although [censored] is commonly used in Atlantic Canada, west of the Ottawa river, [censored] is more idiomatic.

Ok, carry on!

ouch!!!

OK skald - so you took the direct approach - I was hoping with very direct questioning Still_Crazy might see the gaps herself.

Well - what he said!

Still_crazy, keep asking yourself lots of questions about your H and what he is doing and then take a good look at you and what you really want and whether that H can really really do the work. Stop letting him trample you.

I have been reading your post pretty regularly and don't think it is a mistake to give a 25 year marriage every chance to recover. You have said within the last couple of weeks that things are much better than they were. You have told me that you have seen improvements. The affair was two years ago. I don't blame you for wanting to give a long term previously happy marriage a chance to fully recover. Is your husband doing everything he can? Absolutely not. No argument there. Will he ever get it? Probably not. You have told me that you both love each other and have passion for each other. You have children together and a long history together. Most of your history has been good until the affair. I don't know what you should do. I don't know your husband. I only know the parts of your side that you post here. Ultimately you have to do what is best for you and your family.