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Originally Posted by TriggerCat
I'd like to keep on this "high" if I can!

What you are experiencing is known as "BH Fog", and it is just as damaging to making rational decisions, as any "WW Fog".

Your "high" IS NOT a good thing!!!

You are being UNREASONABLY optomistic based on the FACTS of your situation. You would be much better served by maintaining a CLEAR head about the REALITY of your circumstances.

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Originally Posted by TriggerCat
50/50 Day

Man, things can look so bad and then end on a better note.


TC, I know this is tough but you are doing great. The calm talk you had with her is EXACTLY what I am talking about.

Originally Posted by TriggerCat
About an hour later, she called again. Her voice was extremely calm and she was very direct. She told me that she was sorry about last evening, it was a mistake to stay out all night. She also said that she felt that she had to be blunt, but she wanted to make sure I knew that it was over. That she would not consider trying to save our marriage. .


That is ok. I think I get it now. She thought she would do a "dress rehearsal" and see what it means to be out of the house overnight. She is right now very angry you busted her fairy tale love affair. Her thinking is totally irrational - which you would expect anyway from a wayward.


Originally Posted by TriggerCat
Normally, I would have taken this as just a glitch, but her calm demeanor and directness in her voice made me think otherwise. .


DO NOT over interpret. She is going through major turmoil in her life. She is experiencing wild swinging of emotions on daily basis. Just like you do. Some of these feelings change everyday. What you felt so strong about a week ago may not be the case anymore today. It is time to LEAD your heart and NOT follow it (not my line....lifted straight from the movie). You LEAD your heart by following Plan A.

Originally Posted by TriggerCat
At 3:30 I meet her in a local park clubhouse where the children take advanced math classes. As I sat in the car with her, she said, you wanted to talk? At this point, I thought I might as well give her everything that was on my chest.
Remembering everyone's advice and comments, plus looking her in the eye and speaking in a low, clear voice, I told her EXACTLY HOW I FELT. AND WHY I WAS DOING WHAT I WAS DOING.
I don't remember everything I said, but she never said a word. She just looked at me. I talked for 45 minutes about why I snooped, why I wanted to break up her affair, what an affair REALLY was, how she was destroying the family, how she hurt the girls and me, why I felt that hurting them was the last straw. How I knew what went wrong, and how we could address them together.
She finally commented that she COULD have maybe agreed to trying to save our marriage until the day I went to the airport and confronted the OM and exposed the A to her colleagues. She said after that, she knew she could never forgive me.
I explained WHY I did it, to somehow shake her out of the fog of the fantasy A and see it for what it really was, an illusion of lies. She didn't understand, she said it just made her angry with me.
We cut the conversation off when the children arrived. I waited for the eldest DD and then went home. While in the kitchen, helping to prepare dinner, she came up along the side of me and said "I am really sorry. I believe I would have done the same thing if I was in your shoes.".

ok, I am a realist but at the same time total optimist.I see nothing but POSITIVE in your narrative above.

Originally Posted by TriggerCat
You know, I still don't know where I stand. .

DONT worry about this man. No one going through what you are experiencing fully know where they stand. It takes plenty of time. 7 months later I still sometimes dont know where I stand. But looking back there were so many postives that it does not matter as long as you are trekking along.


Last edited by optin1; 05/12/09 09:34 AM.
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Thanks optin1, I needed a lift.

It's true that I do feel optimistic, but I also have a clear head. I know this war is FAR from over. I just needed to win a battle (little as it is) to keep myself motivated.

I see her attitude has wild swings now after I busted up the affair. She must be in withdrawal, it is so clear now. Her A was more an EA than PA, and you can see it in her actions. I also think she is finally feeling a bit of remorse. Let's hope so.

I need to keep looking at this from the "big picture" view and not try to analyze the details so much. It does appear to be easy to get fooled by her emotional swings into false hopes and such. If I keep looking at it from the "big picture", maybe I won't get caught in the ups and downs of her emotions...?

Regardless of the outcome, I have vowed to keep working my Plan A, and if she moves out: Plan B. "Cracks" in her defenses or not, any positive sign is encouragement for me to keep fighting.

Thanks everyone...

-TC


Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation.
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they do vascillate. don't read too much into her words. do your MB best. you will be better off for trying your hardest - whether she comes around or not.

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cinderella,

That is what I'm afraid of. I'm already preparing myself mentally for the "less than positive" attitude I get from her this evening. I guess it's like a game of ping-pong; back and forth, good and bad. I'll just keep working for the good, good, good, better, better, best...?

-TC


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Update

Well, it's been a few days. and, as you all have predicted, her attitude has swung both ways. Not major swings, but little swings. Monday seemed like the end, but after our talk, I was a little encouraged. Tuesday came and she left in the morning without saying anything to me. Came home and avoided me, but later started some small talk with me. Actually told me "good night" last evening, and woke me up when she got up so I could sleep in our bed (we swap bed/couch time). Called me this morning and even though she didn't say a lot, it was the first time she called me "just to talk".

I know two of her EN's are Affection and Conversation. I'm trying to keep up the "non-committal" conversation because I know she loves just to talk. That is how we first met, talking for hours on the phone.

Affection is one place I'm trying but have missed the boat. I am a gift-giver, but I don't think that is working. I found a book that she wanted and left it in her car with a simple note. When she called this morning she did not say anything about the book until I asked, and she said "oh yes, thank you". Not exactly the response I expected, but it then dawned on me that maybe I'm trying to buy her heart...so I said, "well, I happened to see that book on the bargain rack at Barnes and Noble, it was only $6.97. That's why you have it."
THAT earned a positive response. Point learned, she doesn't want me to BUY HER STUFF, but appreciates me thinking of her, such as seeing a book she wants that is a great deal.

I'll got a LOT to learn. Man, I'd suck as a psychiatrist!

I'm continuing working the Plan. Like I said, I keep Mark's list in my pocket and read it several times during the day. optin1 and cinderella, I watch for the swings and keep myself on the steady path. I am more comfortable in my habits and my attitudes as I work on myself. I know I have a long way to go, but I think my "improved" behaviors are becoming "good habits". We'll see. I don't engage in any relationship discussions, just simple conversations, injecting humor as much as I can. I have been brainstorming ways to show affection WITHOUT going over the top. Any suggestions here would be appreciated! She still resists spending time with me. I don't think I've built up enough credits yet for that. I guess I'll just keep plugging along and see what unfolds...

Thank you everyone. Your help means more to me than I can express...


-TC


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Major Swing

Well, it's Friday, and this evening she is avoiding me like the plague! Answers my responses but nothing beyond that. Told my neighbor this evening when he asked if our pool was ready for the season, "I don't know, you should ask the owner".
How vile can you be?
She and DD9 went to the movies, didn't include me. I asked if I could go but she responded "I'd like to take DD9 alone".
Being the doormat really bites. This "negative swing" has lasted two days. I hope she starts swinging back the other way soon...

I did do something today that may account for her negative mood: I text her this morning. Just a simple text "Good Morning, Happy Friday, hope your day is going well".
Didn't hear back from her, so I assumed she was having a bad/busy day. Because we live fairly close to her work, and I take DD9 to school, I suggested to DD9 that we surprise Mommy with a treat because she sounded like she was having a bad day.
We left early, ran to the neighborhood StarBucks and got her an iced coffee, cream & two sweeteners. I ran DD9 up to the front of the Airport Terminal and instructed her to run in with the drink, hand it to her Mother, and tell her that "we" thought this might make her morning seem brighter.
So, we dropped it off without a hitch. DD9 came back to the car and said her Mother said thank you, and that was it.
Didn't hear anything from her all day. Guess she didn't like the gesture.

This putting forth all this effort for nothing is getting tougher and tougher each day...


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That's because you have barely done anything to stop the affair. Did you call EVERYONE in her family and friends to tell them what she is doing? Did you go to her BOSS (not her coworkers) and tell them what is going on? Did you hire the PI to follow her?

No.

That's why you are getting treated like sh*t. You're too afraid to get mad and protect your marriage.

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Originally Posted by TriggerCat
DD9 came back to the car and said her Mother said thank you, and that was it.
Didn't hear anything from her all day. Guess she didn't like the gesture...

She thought you were checking on her ? Possibly and may explain why she may have been so aloof.

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TC, I know both your wife and OM still work together and that makes very difficult for recovery to get jump started. But I still believe if you stick to your Plan A and the fact that the affair is now out in the open, continue to work on yourself, and with your daughters....and give it your BEST attempt...there is a chance...

Just remind yourself...progress is counted in MONTHS..not days or weeks. Again, I am not trying to raise any false hopes.

Your comment about being a doormat. I felt that way in the beginning...a lot. What she needs to realise (and this may take sometime) is that you are a good husband and a good father. You are willing to learn and change yourself to become even a better person through Plan A. BUT at the same time, you will NOT tolerate any more of her contact with OM. I still encourage you to set some time with her to talk about anything. Avoid difficult subjects in the beginning.

I meant to tell you this. I understand meeting her needs is important but very difficult to follow through when she completely shut you down. I would say then pick three things she always wished you did for her. flowers ? washing dishes after dinner ? take the trash out ?

Last edited by optin1; 05/16/09 02:45 AM.
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catperson,

I have done this. Her family knows, my family knows, our friends know, her Boss knows, HIS wife knows, HIS family knows. I know things at her work are tense because their co-workers now know.
I'm not sure yet what is happening to her schedule but I know her scheduled days have changed since this all went down.
She works days that he doesn't. Still not 100%, but a little progress.
I am mad. I DO WANT TO SAVE MY MARRIAGE. What I think am fighting is her checking out of our marriage. The other half of the "fog-think"...you know, "our marriage was failing before I met the OM blah blah blah". She still seems determined to leave.
I don't disagree with you, I understand if I can get total NC that will take away a lot of the issues. I didn't want jobs lost but I guess that is what I have to do...


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optin1,

Yeah, I think you're right. She has'nt normally been scheduled Friday, so she probably did think I was checking up on her...and using the little one to do the dirty work.

Guess that back-fired on me, huh?

Honesty, it wasn't my intention, but I can see now why she might take it that way.


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optin1,

Thanks for your help. I think you and I were cut from the same cloth.

Quote
TC, I know both your wife and OM still work together and that makes very difficult for recovery to get jump started.
I'm going to have to do more work here...guess my initial conversation with her Boss didn't get the point across.

Quote
Just remind yourself...progress is counted in MONTHS..not days or weeks. Again, I am not trying to raise any false hopes.
Yeah, I keep having to remind myself that. I know nothing is certain, but I keep sticking to the Plan. I need DAILY reminders that progress, if any, is SLOW.

Quote
I meant to tell you this. I understand meeting her needs is important but very difficult to follow through when she completely shut you down. I would say then pick three things she always wished you did for her. flowers ? washing dishes after dinner ? take the trash out ?
Well, I already do those things: gifts, trash, dishes, etc. No effect, or it back-fires. What she was missing from me fell into the emotional side...treating her like an equal, not talking down to her, not controlling her. I guess I just had been taking her for granted, and making her feel like a prisoner in her own home.
I'm TRYING to correct these habits, and I constantly think before I open my mouth, making sure I don't convey ANY of these bad habits...but it doesn't seem to have taken effect.
I don't question little things I normally would have, I act pleasant and upbeat (even when she is short with me). I keep myself busy at home, doing chores and not hanging over her.
I don't know, she is just locked in this mindset of "it's over, and I won't change my mind".
In our Monday talk, where I actually heard a little bit of encouraging talk, one of the things she said was "how could you ever forgive me" and "there would always be this black spot in the back of your mind of what I've done to you...how could you live with that?"
Could these be affecting her? Has she convinced herself that what she has done is so bad that she thinks I never could forgive her? Or am I totally missing it?


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Originally Posted by TriggerCat
she said was "how could you ever forgive me" and "there would always be this black spot in the back of your mind of what I've done to you...how could you live with that?"
Could these be affecting her? Has she convinced herself that what she has done is so bad that she thinks I never could forgive her? Or am I totally missing it?

I will reply later on in detail but that is EXACTLY what you want to hear. She is stunned and is coming to realisation the depth of damage she has caused. Dont worry about forgiveness for now. (i mean you forgiving her...you probably did or very close to doing it...it took me about 3 months to actually open up and tell her that I had forgiven my wife....BUT remember it is a process not a standalone decision...more on that later).


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