|
|
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Dec 2008
Posts: 1,931 |
ETA staff reviews are TORTURE for me. I dread them like going to the dentist. The last few years though my reviews have been very good and I've started to relax about them. Thinking about all this, it's probably more a "personality" issue than a "self esteem" issue. Evaluations used to make me nervous, but then I realized that constructive criticism is the way to make me better at what I do. I just started to view it differently. We should have some 'dreadedness' when being critiqued anyway, otherwise we would be so overconfident in what we do that we wouldn't question any of our actions. That's when mistakes happen. BTW Kiwi, I think you're pretty kewl!
M'd 22 years
BW-me
D-Day 08/08 LTA
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 4
Junior Member
|
|
Junior Member
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 4 |
Ironically, it's knowing I don't deserve Christ's love that can make me not feel valuable.
I'm not arguing, I'm just trying to explain what I was thinking. **********************edit***********
Last edited by JustUss; 05/02/09 02:03 PM. Reason: BA
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617 |
Great thread Pep...My self esteem has been wrapped up in my looks all my life and I never thought I was good looking enough, even when I was very attractive...Dont know why....I got what I wanted with my looks, Love....What I thought was love anyways. Really just attention from any male.
My mother was screwed up, not entirely her fault....I remember being obsessed with men even when I was a young child...I flirted and got attention. My mother said I was a relentless flirt....Then for some unknown reason my mother hated me hanging out with a bunch of my girlfriends but would let me hang out with boys whenever I wanted....Screwy I know I would love to know the psychology behind that.
I dont want to go completely into detail but....bad stuff happened, my mom did not believe me and every boy I went with from 14 on was abusive. To me attention from abuse = attention that I so desperately needed. Eventually abuse = love...Sex=Love.
Then I met my H...My mom loved him and basically would not let me out of the house unless it was to be with him...So I went with him...He was nice, too nice for me...not jealous, not abusive so I didnt like him...eventually I fell for his niceness and came to love him for it. I deserved to be treated nice....years later, had a baby fell into deep depression gained a little weight...wasnt having enough sex for WH and he dumped me for someone prettier that he could have sex with.
Just proves to me that without my looks and without sex= No love for stilly. Its come full circle for me. I know that my self esteem should not be wrapped up in being loved by a man, but I just want my H to love me through thick and thin....but I have the true unconditional love of my son and I give him my true unconditional love. He is my lifesaver.
Without the love I have for him, I would not feel there was any worth for me on this earth....I have my little guy that needs me and little does he know what he has enriched my life with. He doesnt care if i am fat or skinny...he loves me. And I will always be there for him no matter what he does (hopefully its only good stuff) but I will be there if its bad stuff too. Children are definitly a gift from God. I am a great mom and I know it....
but my self esteem is in the gutter..the one person who knew me good and bad, inside and out, though I was worthless, my H...How do you get over that?
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy. 
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
but my self esteem is in the gutter..the one person who knew me good and bad, inside and out, though I was worthless, my H...How do you get over that? What you wrote does not make sense. SELF esteem is a measure of how you esteem yourself. Not how others esteem you. Self esteem, by definition, is NOT dependent on how someone else "esteems" you. What tool are you using to place value, AKA "esteem" in how you see yourself? Are you aware that those who use the opinions of others as THE major tool for self perception are MOST at risk for affairs?? As in: "That guy I am not married to thinks I am sexy. Therefore I am sexy." Want better SELF esteem? Accomplish things you think are valuable and worth your time. People with very high self esteem can be criminals .... Think Bernie Madoff, for example. Very HIGH self esteem. A very BAD man.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
but my self esteem is in the gutter.. Focus on earning self respect. I find there is much more life-traction there.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,140 |
It's so easy for people who have high self esteem to pooh pooh the idea that there is such a thing as low self esteem. This leapt out at me. It strikes me as being very true. As Jen described, the flattening process happens at an age where you have no defences against it, and stops you from growing the emotional muscle that 'naturally' self-confident people seem to have. My mother has always pursued a 'scorched-earth' policy on close family - she is relentlessly and ruthlessly scathing about everyone else's judgement, tastes, opinions, decisions and actions. The only person who has The Right Answer is her. If any family member even attempted to pursue a path that she didn't agree with, she would sweep them aside and 'manage' the situation for them, making it clear that she had to do this because of their own incompetence. Resistance turned into nuclear war. I was thrown out of the house on several occasions for saying 'But...'. (Mother: 'I will not have CHEEK! I will not you and your lip in this house!' I was the world's quietest child.) Her own parents and unmarried sister crept around her, trying to hold onto little bits of autonomy without being found out. The sister ended up dead of cancer because my mother interpreted her symptoms as stress and dismissed them as unimportant - and my mother's word was law. It was easier to die than to disobey Mother and see the doctor. My mother could not allow any member of the family to show the faintest degree of self-assertion; the punishment (rage, sneering, insults) would go on for weeks. I grew up believing I was academically bright (there was obvious evidence for this), but had no adult competence and was of very little value to the adult world. When I had the temerity to raise the issue a few years ago (she uncharacteristically asked if I had any 'hangups' about childhood), she threw a huge tantrum and broke off all contact for over two years. It beats me how parents can do so much damage and apparently be unaware of it. TA good god - if anyone is still reading this, please look up NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder). This is an extreme but textbook case. Yes, it does have a name and no, you are not crazy. But NPDs are terrible addicts for ATTENTION ATTENTION ATTENTION and are horrible parents, as all addicts are.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617 |
Yes you are right about the self esteem thing...My WH thinks he is the greatest thing God put on this earth, even after leaving his family for OW....
But I have the opposite problem...I know in my mind that I am doing things right, I respect others feelings...I do the right things so I should have high self esteem...
I know that I just dont care about myself anymore though...I take good care of my son and I feel that is all I have left now, ya know? I know you are not a psychologist...I am just saying that for some reason I hold so much of my self worth in the fact that the person I married and that knew me the most, threw me away like trash and feels that for some reason I deserved it. I feel that I will never get passed that.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
But I have the opposite problem...I know in my mind that I am doing things right, I respect others feelings...I do the right things so I should have high self esteem... ummmm  I think there are areas where you are not doing things "right". I know that I just dont care about myself anymore though... Like this, for instance. I take good care of my son And, taking EXCELLENT care of your son also means taking excellent care of your son's mother. Would you agree? I hold so much of my self worth in the fact that the person I married and that knew me the most, threw me away like trash and feels that for some reason I deserved it. I feel that I will never get passed that. Well, are you married to feeling this way? Or are you open to changing your thinking error?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
And, a warning, I have a large 2X4 headed your way if you continue to insist that you will "never" get past your inappropriate guilt for your husband's bad choices.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617 |
Yes, yes I agree that I should take better care of myself for DS...And lately I have been little by little doing better with this. Eating healthier, Went for my checkups I havent been too since DS was born...Healthy as a horse, unfortunately I look like one now too...
I have been going to therapy and open to changing my way of thinking, but it has been years and I just cant get over it...I will be one of those people that other people say "She was never the same after her H left."...Ya, know? I have just accepted that this is my life now...but thank you Pep....I think I am beyond help now, but I appreciate the effort...I was just venting anyway....
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Put on your helmet, kiddo. INCOMING >>>>>> ...I was just venting anyway.... Yes, you were just explaining how well the victim suit fits.  And you accept the victim suit for the rest of your life. You did not choose to be cheated on and abandoned. You did NOT deserve what happened. WH is a crap-load-of-crap-in-a-man-suit. Don't misread me. What you are choosing today, is what you allow to define the remaining years of the GIFT which is life. It's your's to cherish, or yours to squander. This ~~~> "I just can't get over it." OK. I'm OK with this. Admit that this is a choice. Then, not getting over it is a choice you make of your own free will. I did not choose a lot of crap that happened to me. I did (and do) choose what I am going to do after all that crap. It's all on me. Let me ask you the most hurtful question possible. READY? Did your son do something "wrong" to deserve a mother who "can't get over it" ????
Because, "not getting over it" effects his life in a huge way.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617 |
No, DS does not deserve a mother who cant get over it, not at all....but its not that I wont...I really just cant...I have tried so hard and do so good for a long while and then I backslide...For lots of reasons....Someone I know getting married...or going away with their spouse or when DS asks he cant have a "normal" father that lives with us....
I know that I am extremely lucky to have a home and a wonderful little boy and we are both healthy...WH see DS a lot so that helps him soooo much, thank God for that. I just am not able to move on from this, self esteem wise. No matter how happy I seem on the outside, No matter how much my DS makes me laugh and makes me happy...there is always that underlying worthlessness underneath that I just cannot shake.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996 |
Are you open to the possibility that you will change, but that it might take longer than expected?
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617 |
Yes, Yes I am very open to that.....I feel that even now that I definitely have changed, just not as much as I see of others on here who have been through the same...
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617 |
Maybe my hole was just deeper to begin with I guess before the A...God I hope that is the case....
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10 |
stilly,
My question will annoy you because you will have answered it before, but I can't read your history just now:
What kind of therapy have you done, and are you taking anti-depressants?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617 |
I am on lexapro and wellbutrin....I have recently ended my IC cuz I just dont feel it was helping me..and its the second therapist I have been to so maybe its just me, IDK....I was going for the most part since this whole A thing happened, but I was definitly in need of it even before the A.
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Sep 2008
Posts: 9,549 Likes: 10 |
An annoying follow-up:
Have you considered one of the behaviourally-based therapies, like cognitive behavioural therapy?
BW
Married 1989
His PA 2003-2006
2 kids.
|
|
|
|
|
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617
Member
|
|
Member
Joined: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,617 |
I did a little of that at the hospital when the A first happened...What do I do look for a therapist the does that specifically or do they all do it if you want? Do you think that will help me more?
BW me-41 WH -39 DS - 9 married 12 Yrs together(?) 18 yrs when A discovered DDay aug 2007 found MB dec 2007 Moved out april 2008 still seeing OW Plan B Okay I fixed the ages, it was looking screwy.
|
|
|
Moderated by Ariel, BerlinMB, Denali, Fordude, IrishGreen, MBeliever, MBsurvivor, MBSync, McLovin, Mizar, PhoenixMB, Toujours
|
0 members (),
366
guests, and
106
robots. |
|
Key:
Admin,
Global Mod,
Mod
|
|
|
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,035
| |
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
|
|
|
|
