So, first off, I went to a wonderful concert of my favorite band with a girlfriend and had a blast! Just enjoyed every song, sang my little heart out and felt soo good!

I decided that after enough people in my life tell me to end contact with WH for my own good, maybe they are seeing something I'm not. I wasn't able to handle seeing, talking or reading his little self-pity statements in email. It was eating up my strength and self respect.

So, my IM agreed to come back on board, (thanks, Dancing Machine!) and we have sent the following message to WH:

"In order to better protect myself from the pain you have caused from your continued affair with OW, I must return to no contact with you. Please reference the November letter for details. Only communication (except for child-related emergencies) will be accepted through the IM or through the lawyers. If you choose to end your contact with OW, then I can again have you in my life.
LYA,
Your wife,
BF"

I think now I am in a better place to protect myself after seeing what a month of regular contact with him did to my well-being. Further, his treatment of DD13 is just toxic and it has helped me to see how sick he is and that I need to stay as strong as I can for my kids. Re: DD13, she has asked that he stop seeing OW (or anyone) until D, so she could be more comfortable around him and work on their relationship (which he says is his priority), but he refuses and DD13 is confused, angry and more hurt than he will ever know....
I keep thinking about the Mulan quote that is on someone's thread, essentially: "waywards do not care about the pain the BS (and kids) are in..." I think I'm finally getting that!

BF439

I'll keep posting, especially when this is hard, because I want to stay strong, like a bodybuilder!!! He'll be at DD13's track meet tonight, but I won't have to be around him...

{{{bf}}} I'm so proud of you!

This is SO TRUE! We just don't see the tiny bits of ourselves that we let go of like dead skin, just to keep them around. And at what cost?

Did I ever recommend this website to you? It is priceless for helping teen daughters going through things like this. It has helped me so very much with D18. They used to have a newsletter, and she and I would sit down and read it, all the issues covered in it, talk about how they relate to her life, discuss the solutions...it was just priceless.

What a great website! I can't wait to read more -- too bad WH isn't researching on how to connect with her! My IC thinks he probably never did and now its just way more obvious...

BF,

This is one of the better things you have done in a very long time. It's been excruciating watching you plod along from a distance. That's part of the reason I haven't posted to you very much. I want to help support you but I haven't agreed with alot of your choices. I've popped in a few times to give you a 2x4 (lightly) to try to get you on track. It takes you a while but eventually you seem to get to the right place. You need this dark Plan B very much right now. Don't be all doom and gloom about it. Enjoy the break from the sadness and drama and live life for yourself and your children!! Let your attorney deal with any inquisitions he may have about the D. Let your IM handle all other inquiries. Stay insulated and try to get out more and do things for yourself! Just like the concert!! See how much fun you had?!?! There is a life after WH. Go out and start living it.

(((((BF))))))

Mindshare

Thanks, mindshare, I think I needed to better understand why I was in "b" -- now I get it's to keep me from his dysfunction and work on myself. I think before it was more about me still trying to "get him back,"
I think I will be posting more just to keep up my spirits-- I felt pretty low today. I found out I need some minor surgery, but it sucks that I have to comb through my friends for rides when before my H did all of that, just as I did for him. Blahhh.,,,
It's all so different, but it's been so long that I have a hard time remembering what it was like pre-affair in our lives...

That is so weird hearing you say that. I was set to have minor surgery last year where I tried to plan it so that I could just stay at the doctor's office til the stuff wore out. That's how much I DIDN'T want my husband's help. Needless to say, it hurt his feelings. But at the time, I didn't care.

there's a part of me that wishes H felt bad- he even expressed that feeling technically last week when I had to go to the ER, but Its not genuine. I'm sure that in his current state it would not shake him if I died- it would just clear the way for OW to come into my home with him to care for the kids..
"ws's don't care about the pain of the BS"....

First day of re-establishing no contact with WH and already my shoulders feel lighter.
For me, this is also a lesson in letting go of the illusion of control. I cannot control who WH sees or sleeps with; I cannot control how much he is hurting the kids and me. I have tried so many ways to get him to see what damage he is causing and nothing "works." I have been trying to control him out of my own fear that I cannot be without him; that the kids and I (and him) will be permanently damaged if he doesn't change his course.

"Whatever we try to control does have control over our life" -- Melody Beattie.

Today I am going to work on letting go and trusting that my world will not end if I stop trying to make certain realities come to life.

BF439

bf, speaking from an amateur psychologist, when you DO go dark, it has the one best chance of making your H sit up and take notice.

Now, I'm not saying it will bring him back, but if there IS a chance, you saying you can live without him will be the biggest attraction of all.

Yes, but more and more I am not sure if I would want him. I think for me its one thing to be dysfunctional and hurt me; its another thing all together to be dysfunctional and hurt my kids. I just don't know if he's got the ability to be the kind of person I want in my life.
Regardless, I have created a pretty good life for me and my kids and I want to enjoy it without always focusing on him!

BTW -- has anyone ever purchased stuff from IKEA? Is it decent quality? I'm planning to get a couch there this weekend (part of my plan to make my house my house on the cheap!) and I wonder if they are just too good to be true?!
BF439

I have a number of things from Ikea in my house. Not everything is worth buying, but you certainly can find some great buys there. My general rule of thumb is this- I don't buy it for my bedroom or the "main" living room, but its great for the kids, guest rooms, basement, etc.

Thanks!

We have lots of IKEA stuff. You get what you pay for. I wouldn't buy a couch there and expect a bunch of teenage boys to use it and it survive. But if it's just for sitting and watching tv, it should be ok.

I would add that if you can find a consignment shop, or even a GoodWill type store, you can find good, well-made furniture on the cheap.

Its for the living room, which is my quiet room, so I think it will not have a lot of activity. I'm buying a white one with an extra cover just to live on the edge (three kids and two dogs! Am I nuts?), but it will look just fine I think...
Thanks!

Hey, bf, if it's white cotton, it can be bleached clean...

Glad to see you reinstating darkness. You always seemed to do better without him, even when you were doing it on your own steam. Charlotte and the lawyer are in place to help protect you. Thank God for them.

Not sure about the other kids, but don't you think DD 13 would do better with no contact as well, since it hurts her so much to be around him? She's already told him she doesn't want to be around him while OW is in the picture. Can the courts force visitation with a teenager who doesn't want it? I don't know. Anybody?

Looks like he doesn't have it in him to do the right thing, so I'mI think you're wise to question why you'd even want him, given the level and length of his selfishness. At this point, I don't think he'll ever pull his head out of his patootie.

Oh, and I think that quote you referred to was, "Never forget, your pain means nothing to a wayward."

Hold your friends and family close. Let WH go.

RHW

Sick? Oh, yeah. Selfish and sinful, too.

But YOU, dear lady, are none of those things, so you need not fear the karma bus. WH...well, that's another matter. Once you are safely and completely removed, and your life is humming along, you will hear the crash. Till then, you must try to avoid thinking about it.

Easier said than done, I know.

(((bf)))

Thanks, I am doing better the more I'm dark from him.
Here's a twist when your dark and have kids-- I've got to hear some of what he says to my kids. For example, he apparently he told DD 13 that he's in love and she needs to get used to it. This is after she's told him multiple times that she wants him to ""pick" her over OW -- but he won't, so I watch my kids hurt so much and it pisses me off to no end. It's one thing to hurt me, it's another to actively hurt my kids.....
Grrrr.....
Otherwise, DD13 and I went to ikea, had a blast and got our couch. The renewed "bf439" household is coming along.....

Tomorrow is the appointment with the lawyers. I am anxious and want to lash out at WH or OW for this painful mess, but I'll post here instead...
I asked my lawyer to allow me to set up early in the second conference room. I've told her that I don't want to see him or talk to him. I feel like I'm being a bit of a chicken, but I don't want to put myself through that. This is hard enough...

Um...who is the chicken? The one who's keeping the family together or the one who lied, cheated, snuck around on you and can't face his own guilt?