LF,

Boundaries is something that the 2 of you need to establish.

There will always be 'someone who needs help', and it won't always be a man.

You can help to rid this OW away, but you can't police every female and rid them of this world. This needs to be WH job, because he understands his boundaries in M and wants to protect it for the both of you.

In what way did you abandon him?

Just a quick update - OW was busted yesterday for drinking. She spent the night in jail.

Tippity-tap, Tippity-tap, Happy Dance, Happy Dance!

WR, I haven't been needy for almost a week now - I'm keeping a stiff upper lip! LOL

Cat - I stopped doing any RC with him, kept reading while he was trying to talk to me, and was woefully lacking in SF. Now, I'm trying to ease my way back into RC (and was invited to go with him today, except it's raining), and my book is put away when he's home. I'm available for SF too.

V, You're right about the boundaries. That is something we need to establish as we go along.

He's home now - back in awhile.

Oh my, what a cold-blooded witch you were! How dare you?!

Seriously, hon, I'm glad you're taking your share of the blame, but enough of that!

NOW it is time for HIM to take some share, ok?

PLEASE do some thinking and reading about what a partner should provide in a marriage; I think yours is just a tad too dysfunctional for you to see that what he is doing should NOT be acceptable. It just isn't.

Time for you to step up and say 'the time you spend with other women is unacceptable to me. I'm owning my faults in this marriage, but the marriage won't succeed while you think you can have any outside interests with other women, even if it is just to 'help' them and stroke your ego. Let me do that for you.'

It must be the red hair! You would not believe how good the OW going to jail made me feel! Tippity-tap, Tippity-tap, Happy Dance, Happy Dance!

I do know that this is not acceptable behavior for him, but he was so closed to me that I was terrified to say anything. Now he's aware that it's not good, and will be ending it in the next week or so. Or else. And he's keeping me either directly involved or informed.

Anyway, we were supposed to RC today, but it was raining. So he asked if I'd like to go for a ride with him. Naturally I accepted! We drove about 30 miles away through the country and stopped for lunch. Although we didn't do a lot of talking, I think it was relaxing for both of us.

I reminded him again of his statement to Whorella (or Slutlee as I also like to call her)(have to let go of the negatives and think only about the positives). He agreed, but said it wasn't quite that easy. I said no, it's not, just take it one thing at a time. He said he's trying.

I do believe he is trying. He said he'd been hanging around home more and coming home earlier to get used to being here again. Even though he was here, he used to be so closed to me that it was like he wasn't.

I encouraged him to get back to scouting; he loves that so much and it's such a release for him. There's no reason why he can't do that several times a week and still be home for me and the puppies. And sometimes I'll go with him.

It's looking better...slowly...(I must practice patience)

Whorella-Marcella... see where I got it? Hehe. I love naming people more fittingly.

Good luck, stay STRONG, and "he'll be dealing with it in the next or so?" Ummmm, week or so is too flexy.

Do you have children/grandchildren at home that would be part of the scouting program?

If not, encourage him to do an activity that you can BOTH participate in and enjoy. How are you going to have 15 hours of undivided attention if he's gone during the day every day and doing scouting several times a week?

I agree. You could pick other programs that allow both of you to participate, like the YMCA's camping programs. Sending him off to do yet another activity without you, huge red flags!

Oh, he's retired, and the scouting is not Boy Scouts, it's for hunting predators.

I've revived my interest in the recreational activity we used to share, and that is about 6 hours a week. We also play pool most every night in our basement, and that's a couple of hours. We're having a two person tournament right now and that's a lot of fun.

He's smiling more and teasing more, SF just about every night.

Slutlee is still in jail, just breaks my heart. NOT! It's hard not to smirk about that, and it gives me such a warm and fuzzy feeling to know I'm responsible. Am I evil or what? ROFLMAO

Keep it up (it's Plan A) but I have to say I still feel a breeze from the red flags waving in the wind. We went through an SF almost every night phase shortly after the big blow up 1/1, and it wasn't real recovery by any stretch. Beware that when Slutlee gets out, he'll still be addicted to her

I called the jail today; she's still in and has no release date.

WH has a cold today, so talking very much is not a good idea.

I agree, WR, I'm still feeling that breeze and chill from the red flags. It's not as strong as it was, though.

I'm vigilantly keeping my guts on alert. And working Plan A.

Well, I had a brilliant idea that didn't work out.

I wrote a NC letter for Slutee to copy and mail to my H. I took it to the jail, and she had already had her one visitor today. And the officer couldn't deliver it for me. I have to mail it to the jail. I really wanted to talk to her about it, I do think she'll do it, when I explain why.

They've already had almost a week of NC, and this seemed a perfect time. I mean, why waste a week of NC?

I'll have to find out what her status is, and maybe I'll mail it.

Poop!

This is the letter I'm writing to her:

As you know, H and I are attempting to rebuild our marriage. We cannot do this as long as you and he maintain your friendship. I realize that he has helped you with your current problems, but this cannot continue. What you need to do, you need to do yourself.

You are a strong and honorable lady, so I am going to ask you to do this – copy the enclosed letter to H (reword it if you need to) and mail it to him. This no contact letter is a necessary part of ending the relationship. I’ve enclosed a stamped envelope for you to use.

I truly, truly trust that you will do this, and as before, that you will keep this between you and me.

Best regards,

Your opinions are urgently requested! TIA!

I totally would NOT do that, Leapfroggy.

• The state of your marriage is of NO concern to OW.
• She doesn't need to be told of the power she holds over you, your WH, and the M.
• NC should be done because your *H* does it. He has to be the one to commit to NC and set precautions in place. He has to be the one protecting the marriage. He has to learn boundaries. Not OW.
• "Keep this between you and me"? What happened to openness and honesty? What on earth makes you think OW will keep your secret from WH? And how will WH feel when he learns you've been sneaking behind his back?

The person you need to be talking to is your H, not OW.

Ah, it's too late now, Turtle. I mailed the letter about an hour ago.

If this is only a friendship, as they claim, then she holds no power. My WH is determined to help her through her drug court sentence, and considers it a challenge. (Although why he can't work on the challenge of saving our M, I don't understand.)

Doing this is no less dishonest than putting a gps on his phone. He got used to that very quickly, once he understood that I did it because he lied to me too many times.

I don't think OW will tell him, and if she does, I have total denial build in - my writing is nowhere on the letter - it's typed. (And why would I do something like that, anyway?)

I just hate to waste this week of NC - it seems like a gift.

She's been in jail for almost a week. I just talked to her PO, she's in until next Thursday at the earliest. When I mentioned that she's been messing with my H, he was VERY interested. They're not supposed to do stuff like that while in the program.
I also said that her being in jail was helping with this, and he said "Oh, hmmm, I bet it is." Maybe they'll violate her program and send her straight to prison.

I know that sounds hard, but I really don't give a poop about her.

Oh Froggy, I'm sorry to say I agree with Turtle. Think about this for a minute... has she really shown you ANY respect? H3ll NO! She's been sneaking around with your H! What gives you this idea?

It just seemed like something I should do, WR. If Slutlee writes the letter, all is well and good. If she doesn't and squeals on me, I'm gonna lie through my teeth and deny any knowledge of it.

As I told Turtle, I hate to waste this week of NC. By the earliest she could get out, it'll be 10 days.

My H has been happier with me than in a long time. We're doing a few more things together; he laughs and teases me. He hasn't done THAT in a long time.

I know and expect that he'll be depressed and sad if she writes the letter, but he was depressed and sad when she first got busted too.

You guys see where I'm coming from on this?

I do. I just think you have one thing wrong here.

DO NOT DENY DOING IT!

Why? Because YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE!

In fact, you should have taken action eons ago. In fact, you should have said 'leave my H alone or else.'

If he gets in your face, it is the PERFECT time to say her or me.

Well, with horse out of the gate, what good is it to yell CLOSE THE BARN DOOR? Sooo... I gotta say I agree with Cat at this point. Seriously, WHY would you ever apologize or deny trying to save your marriage?! If she tattles, I'd tell him point blank that you have every right to fight for your marriage and that H AND OW had gone up and down the promise hill, and now you are DONE with that. That you had thought maybe there was an ounce of respectability within OW, that might recognize the error in her ways, and that you have now been proven wrong, as she doesn't even have the class to step off of another womans territory. I'd tell him it's at least a relief to confirm 150% what you are dealing with. And addict, who lacks all morals and compassion-- way to Affair Down, buddy!

Geez, you're so right, Cat. I've been fighting a guerilla war, when it should be slash and burn.

If he can't make a decision, I have to make it for him. I don't LIKE doing this, but I think it has to be forced.

God, I'm so sick of this sh*t! I hate feeling this sick feeling every time I think of them.