I agree, vst...this is what D would look like.

My FWH had to have all 4 kids at his PARENTS house every other weekend and I am sure it wasn't that great! But that is exactly what D would have looked like had he not performed that cranial-rectal extraction!

Let DD tell her dad if she is not happy about it...that part he will have to deal with!

{{{{{{{{{vst}}}}}}}}

vst, you do have Surviving an Affair, right? If you look on page 81, Dr Harley recommends sending a copy of the PBL to the OP with a note addressed to them. The note goes like this:

Skankyhola,

I love "Greg" with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make him happy. I will wait for him to give me that chance.

This puts huge pressure on the OP to end contact.

Also, have you spoken to OWH recently? Does he know what the skank said about her children and that your H had pictures of her kids in his office?

Thanks ya'll! Going to bed now. Been up since 3:30 a.m. I have ocassional sleep issues....taking a pill tonight!

night hunny!

ok I'll check that out. I've thought about waiting until I go into PB to let OWH know about that stuff. Then I won't suffer the rath of WH when he finds out. He mysteriously finds out when I call OWH....wonder how?

nighty night.

That is WAY too nice.......ok really going to bed now. nite!

Leilana is my role model for Godessness! She absolutely was convinced beyond a shadow of a doubt that she deserved respect and on-his-knees worship for giving him another chance and taking his wayward butt back in the first place. So when he broke her trust she went indifferent onhim, but absolutely no contact because he was no longer worth her time of day!

He was beside-himself-sick at losing contact with her - even the OW was calling begging Leilana to take him back!! that makes me laugh to this day - imagine - OW gets the WH - and she don't wanhim! Whaahhhh! At least not ALL the time - she can share! She's not greedy! Please Lei Please - take him back part time so he'll stop puking all over my sofa!

I know you have a hard time envisioning this now, and you want to protect your daughter at all costs -- but having her with him in-a-not-so-convenient environment helps you.

Your daughter is not going to put up with being exposed to OW. Your daughter is going to be miserable for a few weekends -- but it will help your overall goal -- to make your husband understand how much he wants his family restored.

And it is important for little girls to have a relationship with their fathers.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY -- YOU NEED THE TIME OFF. You need to recharge your batteries. You need to pamper yourself. And you need this time to start creating your new life.

Protect your time....don't accomodate changes to the schedule.
Let him wonder what you are up to all the time, and why you are so busy. He won't be able to talk to you to quiz you...
Don't inform your daughter of your plans either....

WH just picked up DD. He's not wearing his wedding ring. Nice. I bet that makes the OW's heart just fludder! Only thing is, she isn't leaving her H so her wedding ring in on her finger. Wonder how that makes my WH feel?

Getting closer to the day I won't be concerning myself with all this crap!

Plan B, my friend...Plan B.

Have you contacted your attorney about the RO?

Can you find out exactly which day he will be served?

Hang in there...you're almost free of his B.S!

Dear WH,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that allowed you to have the desire to have an affair with OW. I realize now what my mistakes were in our marriage. I was not meeting your emotional needs and I‘m sorry for that. I didn’t know what to do to have a healthy marriage but now I do and I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meets both of our needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with OW once and for all. What it will take for our marriage to recover is a complete end to contact with OW, whether that means you leaving or her leaving the job, and for you to agree to participate in a marriage recovery program guided by a marriage coach. Once those conditions are met, I will consider reconciliation.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. You will not be able to come in the house, and I will not be coming to the boat. DD will be waiting outside for you to pick her up on your scheduled visits. If you want to communicate about DD or any other matter, it will have to be through my friend MF/SMB/TST. I will block your emails and I will not accept any phone calls from you.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your adulterous relationship with OW, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are still in contact with her. I still love you and it hurts me too much to see you under these conditions.

As soon as you permanently separate from her and are willing to follow the measures that I gave you to ensure total separation and protection for me from the pain of your affair, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to be in love again. We can build a new life in which everything we do makes us both happy. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend. I fully believe this is possible for us. I want this for DD too because she deserves to have her parents together and in love.

I loved you when we married and I love you today. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in contact with OW in any way.

vst


(Copy to OW with note: OW, I want you to know that I love WH and I am willing to do whatever it takes to recover our marriage and for us to be happy together.)


----------------------------
Intermediary Contact Information:

xxxxxxxxx


Visitation Schedule: Once during the week and every other weekend. We will alternate holidays.

This is a standard visitation schedule and it will help DD and I to have structure in our lives and to start creating a new normal for she and I. While she is still in school, she will continue to have tumbling on Thursdays. You can pick her up there at 5:00. Your first full weekend will be Friday, May 16th. You may pick DD up at 6:00 and return her on Sunday May 18th at 6:00. I would appreciate it if she still attends church on your weekends and if you are on time for pick up and drop off.

Going to a PARTY!! Later peeps!

Have FUN!!

Have been thinking a lot since last night. The party I went to was a good friend and she absolutely hates WH with a passion. She is afraid for me she says. Because of his past behavior (other probable affair(s)) and the way this affair was so blantantly took place at work (finding this out now) and the way he has treated me and the things he's said recently. I understand her feelings but I also understand the fog and I told her I just can't walk away yet. Something is keeping me from doing that "yet". I have to see, I have to give him the opportunity to step up and be a real man. Something I realize now he has never been. He's been a child in a man's body and I've allowed it for years because of my lack of boundaries. I've learned so much in the last few weeks and I'm thankful because I know that I would be a basket case right now if not for MB and my advisors and supporters.

I heard that he is telling people that our marriage is over and he isn't wearing his ring. It hurts to think that some of them may see nothing wrong with what he is doing because they believe the "I've not loved her in years" crap. What does it tell you about someone who says they haven't loved their wife in 11 years? That he is a coward plain and simple. Because that is news to me and if you've been miserable for that long and NEVER said a word about it, you've got some serious problems with yourself. Oh sure I knew I wasn't happy therefore assumed he wasn't, but I spoke up quite a few time but was talking to a brick wall.

Anyway, I just needed to vent. I'm really scared about Plan B. I think the visitation schedule is going to really piss him off. He's going to see it as "keeping DD from him", as me putting her in the middle or using her against him. I know he will. That is going to be the hardest part.

I'm just so tired of hurting.....and I can now see that it's beginning to really affect DD. I saw it in her eyes when I told her what the plan was for last night and she said "oh I'm supposed to stay with Daddy..." and had this really sad look on her face, like she was letting me down. This is going to be really hard...

Good for you! YOu are committed to working Dr. H's plans to give your marriage its best chance. Then, if he stills continues on in fogland, you can leave knowing that you did your best.





I know how much this hurts. (((((((vst)))))




Good insight. His affairs are NOT your fault.





If it wasn't this, it would be something else. He's wayward. He's going to act like a toddler having a trantrum no matter what you do.

Do the right thing because it's the right thing.

You know why you need to be in Plan B. He is destroying your mental health and the well-being of your family. Your daughter needs you to be healthy. She's counting on you to take care of yourself so that you can care for her.

"Fear not, for I am with you, says the Lord."




Make a happy home for you and DD.

WH is responsible for his relationship with DD. It's between them.

Hi VST. I haven't posted but I"ve been reading your thread. I'm about to go Plan B with my own husband---not because of an affair but because he will not do his part to contribute financially to this household. He's got (in my opinion) some deep seated depression issues and other mental issues that are skewing his ideas about working--he wants a job for which he thinks he is qualified and deserves and is not willing in the meantime to do whatever it takes to help me put a roof over our heads and keep food on the table. This has been going on in some fashion for almost 7 years. He's worked sporadically but not steadily. There's also an alcohol abuse issue.

I wrote him a letter last month telling him I was going to force a separation if he didn't find a job--ANY job-- and cut his alcohol intake. I wrote it in very Plan B fashion--I love him and I'm doing this to preserve my love for him. I gave him a timeline. I told him about all the things I was doing to clean up my side of the street as well. I've been trying to "Plan A" him for several months now. Not much has changed and the unemployment, angry outburst and emotional abuse continues.

So I am following through and he is acting much like a wayward in that he is calling me all sorts of names, having tantrums, asking me how he's going to survive without an income, etc. Playing on my guilt.

It came to me yesterday. My love bank is so far in the red, I'm not sure it will ever come back. Forcing him out the door and living apart from me IS OUR ONLY CHANCE at this point. He might not agree--but that's also a chance I've got to take. I have lost all respect for him and am rapidly losing all feeling for him.

I am telling you all of this because I believe Plan B's intent--to remove you from the cycle of abuse and bad feelings and to help you preserve your feelings for him in the event you do reconcile--I believe in it wholeheartedly. When the time comes to Plan B, do it knowing you are doing it for yourself and for your marriage.

Thanks SMB.....I appreciate you helping to hold me up.