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Hang in there, vst...you are doing the right thing, your own BS fog is clouding your vision right now but once you get into Plan B you will see how right it is to protect yourself from WH's abuse.
It's the best chance you can give your M right now...this IS marriage building!
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. 
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Hi VST. I haven't posted but I"ve been reading your thread. I'm about to go Plan B with my own husband---not because of an affair but because he will not do his part to contribute financially to this household. He's got (in my opinion) some deep seated depression issues and other mental issues that are skewing his ideas about working--he wants a job for which he thinks he is qualified and deserves and is not willing in the meantime to do whatever it takes to help me put a roof over our heads and keep food on the table. This has been going on in some fashion for almost 7 years. He's worked sporadically but not steadily. There's also an alcohol abuse issue.
I wrote him a letter last month telling him I was going to force a separation if he didn't find a job--ANY job-- and cut his alcohol intake. I wrote it in very Plan B fashion--I love him and I'm doing this to preserve my love for him. I gave him a timeline. I told him about all the things I was doing to clean up my side of the street as well. I've been trying to "Plan A" him for several months now. Not much has changed and the unemployment, angry outburst and emotional abuse continues.
So I am following through and he is acting much like a wayward in that he is calling me all sorts of names, having tantrums, asking me how he's going to survive without an income, etc. Playing on my guilt.
It came to me yesterday. My love bank is so far in the red, I'm not sure it will ever come back. Forcing him out the door and living apart from me IS OUR ONLY CHANCE at this point. He might not agree--but that's also a chance I've got to take. I have lost all respect for him and am rapidly losing all feeling for him.
I am telling you all of this because I believe Plan B's intent--to remove you from the cycle of abuse and bad feelings and to help you preserve your feelings for him in the event you do reconcile--I believe in it wholeheartedly. When the time comes to Plan B, do it knowing you are doing it for yourself and for your marriage. Thanks for you input OH, I appreciate it and it helps so much to hear this from another's perspective. I wish you the very best!
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Hey, just wondering about something. DD is staying with a friend tonight. Should I ask WH to dinner? Or are things just too broken right now? I'm sure I can avoid LBing. He came over today to drop off DD and pay bills. He was nice and so was I. And he is coming to church with us tomorrow. What do you think?
Last edited by verysadtime; 05/02/09 10:52 AM.
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He is having sex with and banging the other woman and you are wanting to see him and bring him to church??? Oh honey!!!!
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I am howling in pain for you. Thinking you have to put up with this cheater and let him have both of you...
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vst, you are in Plan A until you are in Plan B.
So, IF you can go out with WH and Plan A...with absolutely NO LBs and NO relationship talk, then yes, go out.
BUT if you cannot control your LBs or avoid relationship talk, then NO, DO NOT GO.
I would suggest making it a specific time frame, and even if it's going well, end the evening. It might help prevent LBs or relationship talk.
Bubbles, anyone here who has recovered a marriage has "put up with a cheater" for a time. Those who can't stomach it, choose divorce immediately. vst has chose to give her marriage one last shot using MB.
Happily married to HerPapaBear
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vst, you are in Plan A until you are in Plan B.
So, IF you can go out with WH and Plan A...with absolutely NO LBs and NO relationship talk, then yes, go out.
BUT if you cannot control your LBs or avoid relationship talk, then NO, DO NOT GO.
I would suggest making it a specific time frame, and even if it's going well, end the evening. It might help prevent LBs or relationship talk.
Bubbles, anyone here who has recovered a marriage has "put up with a cheater" for a time. Those who can't stomach it, choose divorce immediately. vst has chose to give her marriage one last shot using MB. Thanks SMB, I think if he'll go it would be a good last PA to get in. And thanks for your reponse to Bubbles, it was appropriate. What I had in mind might not have been......
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He is having sex with and banging the other woman and you are wanting to see him and bring him to church??? Oh honey!!!! Why would you say this???? EVERY BS has been in this situation, it SUCKS, is incredibly hard and very hurtful, but if a recovered M is what you want, then you have to do it ANYWAYS. vst...I agree, if you are SURE you can be with him and not LB, then go for it! You are planning on going to PB this week, and you don't have many more opportunities to Plan A him, so this would be a great chance!
Me,BW - 42; FWH-46 4 kids D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006 D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR) Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007 In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks.
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His response to the dinner invitation:
"I'm not ready to do that kind of thing right now... I am in a constant state of agitation. I hope you understand."
I replied "It's ok. I do understand."
Whew! At least it didn't feel like a stab in the gut!
Last edited by verysadtime; 05/02/09 12:27 PM.
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Oh boy another reponse: "Maybe the three of us can get breakfast after church before I work on the deck." ???
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I said "that sounds good to me."
Also, he told me today that he has not slept well all week and has not felt well all week either. An infection of the guilty conscious maybe??
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Does this sound like someone who is done with this M like he said he was??
Last edited by verysadtime; 05/02/09 12:34 PM.
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Hi VST, Checking in on you. I haven't had a chance to check up on you and see what's happening. Your lost post caught my eye. A wayward says and does things that make absolutely no sense. We don't know what's going on in their heads, we only know what is going on in ours. We can only control ourselves, not them as much as we wish. Give me a few to catch up ok? 
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Ok, so Plan B is on the horizon? How are you with that?
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Ok, so Plan B is on the horizon? How are you with that? Thanks for checking in on me Queenie, it's an honor. I've followed your thread some as well and admire your strength. I'm feeling stronger every day regarding PB. I have no doubt it is the only choice I have other than simply walking away and I'm just not ready to do that. I really feel, as bad as he's been, that there is something really good in him and I want to give every chance I can to allow him to discover that good and allow it to come out. I still love him and I want to protect that. I trust what my wonderful MB advisors have been telling me and I plan to continue to follow their advice 'till the end.
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I know I shouldn't get my hopes up based on his last responses to me but the magnitude of difference between today and what was said on Wed. is so huge, I just feel hopeful today. It's a reflection of the good that I know is in there somewhere.
And although I know it could change drastically in just a day, I'm savoring this smile on my face for today.
Last edited by verysadtime; 05/02/09 02:25 PM.
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VST, you are truly too kind. I'm no one special, just someone who understands exactly what you are saying about your H.
I get that you are resigned to knowing the Plan B is the best way to go. But how are you feeling about it. I read your letter. How are you mentally prepared.
Is it something you want to do? Do you have any questions, expectations?
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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Unfortunately, we can't count on a WH at all. They are so diametrical to real life. They are up, they are down, they are addicted. Same thing. They are up, they are down.
Girl, you savor every part of your smile on your face today, and you feel the goodness that it is bringing you. You deserve it. You have been working hard in Plan A and Plan B, is totally different. And just as hard.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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VST, you are truly too kind. I'm no one special, just someone who understands exactly what you are saying about your H.
I get that you are resigned to knowing the Plan B is the best way to go. But how are you feeling about it. I read your letter. How are you mentally prepared.
Is it something you want to do? Do you have any questions, expectations? How I FEEL about it is hard to explain. I dread it really but I look forward to the eventual repreve it will bring from his rants and foggy behavior. But I know that I'm not willing to live in limbo any longer than is absolutely necessary and until I put this PB into action, limbo is where I'll stay. My boundaries may be too much for him to handle and I have to be ready for that. I'm asking him to give up the three most important things in his life to date, job, boat and OW. I know without a miracle from God, which has been prayed for by me and many, many others, it won't happen. But as long as I have a flicker of hope, I'm going to stay the course. I've thought about how hard it's going to be to ignore his anger and attempts to contact me and to not allow people to tell me anything about what is going on with him. I'm going to simply have to focus on making a happy life for me and DD. That is something I haven't had the energy to really do since all of this started over a year and a half ago. I'm looking forward to giving myself permission to let it all go for now and focus just on that and if the possibility of the recovery of my marriage comes about, I will thankfully take it and do my best.
Last edited by verysadtime; 05/02/09 03:02 PM.
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Please remember we are here for you. PB is so boring. You aren't caught up in the chaos, you aren't doing anything and it's just dark. WH didn't try and break it, in fact I think my spirit broke in many ways when I realized he just didn't try anything.
It's so easy to say you are going to let it go and focus on yourself and not your M. I congratulate you if you find it easy. I didn't and so if you don't, please don't beat yourself up. Just come here and look for support.
I'm a doer, a fixer and PB was absolutely the hardest thing I could do. They told me that my heart and mind needed to be in sync. It wasn't totally. It was what G-d wanted and thus I had to do it.
I think woman in particular are taught that our identies are our families, being mom to someone, and being the wife of someone. How could strangers be asking me to give up my identity with the possibility that it was the end of my M. How I came to true terms, was PB was the ultimate commitment to my love for my H. I gave G-d my H to do what he could and pray everyday it involves coming home.
It's a risk we take, but in the end, we learn alot about ourselves.
BS 52, FWH 53, Married 1-1-84
D-day 5-14-07, WH moved in with OW
Plan A 9 months, DARK Plan B 3-17-08 until 3-2-09
WH and OW broke up 1-09
Started over 7-09
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